[Wander]

Today started ok but got worse fast. By 2 pm I was planning my exit seriously. The panic, anxiety, and paranoia are unbelievable. After almost acting I called the hospital, and my doctor was able to get me in within hours.

Still, I have mixed feelings about living. I really donÂ’t want to be IP as IÂ’m scared of being harmed. I havenÂ’t seen my pdoc so I have no idea on treatment. Even with benzos and Seroquel on board IÂ’m freaking out. This is the last place on earth I want to be. If something/someone doesnÂ’t help me help myself soon I wonÂ’t make it.

IÂ’m terrified. Without being psychotic this is the most vulnerable IÂ’ve been in memory. I battle constantly with my SI. It is intense. I donÂ’t know what you wonderful people can do to support me. Maybe just a post here and there. IÂ’m going out on a limb here. IÂ’m scared no one will respond which would crush me further.

Sorry, IÂ’m struggling to think straight. IÂ’m trying to survive while secretly opposing that. In the end no one can say I didnÂ’t try.

[Nammu]

Is this the same hospital you've been in before? You know they have never harmed you and have helped you before. You gotta challenge that faulty thinking. It sounds like the hospital is the best place for you right now.

[TunedOut]

Wander, Glad you took steps to stay safe.

Fear Not

[LilyMop]

I hope you are hanging in there and doing ok. It’s very hard to face our feelings and fears. It feels overwhelming sometimes. If you hang in there it will get better. They have to follow specific protocols in the hospital to make sure you are safe and cared for properly. Hopefully you will see your pdoc soon.

[bpcyclist]

I am happy you are where you are, Wander. I also struggle with tons of SI. Being on PC a lot has really saved me. Happy you reached out. Don't give up. Don't throw in the towel. There are people who care all around you here. Sending you positive vibes and prayers!

[fern46]

Hey Wander. I am so grateful you made the call when you did. I know you hate the hospital, but the part of your brain that is working to fight for you knew you'd be safe there.

Nammu is right. You have to try to challenge your brain when the faulty thoughts arrive. When they come up, don't entertain them. Recognize them for what they are and then do something to occupy your mind. When intrusive thoughts pop up in my mind I say NO and then I sing a song in my head until I am calm again. Sometimes I have to repeat the song a few times, but I keep playing the song in my head over and over until my thought pattern changes. Technically speaking I believe music is stored in another part of the brain and it engages area of memory recall that are different than the area of the brain managing the intrusive thoughts. It helps me to think about what I'm trying to achieve scientifically. It all feels a bit more medical and less unique and scary to me that way.

Keep posting and write whatever you want. Tell us a story. Tell us about what the room you're in looks like. Tell us what they fed you for dinner. Tell us what you notice about the people around you. Whatever. Just occupy your mind somehow by engaging your senses and by being present in the current moment. Grounding and using your senses also helps with the anxiety and repeating thoughts.

We are here for you. Don't give up!!!

[~Christina]

Wander I’m glad your safe. Let them take care of you

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Is this the same hospital you've been in before? You know they have never harmed you and have helped you before. You gotta challenge that faulty thinking. It sounds like the hospital is the best place for you right now.

Yes, it’s the same hospital. No staff has harmed me before, but they have been very unhelpful, dismissive, and cold. That is rare though. I think my paranoia stems from my psychotic admission in February when I believed all the staff were out to harm me. Then I was completely convinced. Now I’m just paranoid. Thanks.

[Scooter9]

I'm glad you reached out for help. There might be ups and downs along the way while you're there but you're getting help and that's what is important.

Hang in there. There is hope.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by fern46

Hey Wander. I am so grateful you made the call when you did. I know you hate the hospital, but the part of your brain that is working to fight for you knew you'd be safe there.

Nammu is right. You have to try to challenge your brain when the faulty thoughts arrive. When they come up, don't entertain them. Recognize them for what they are and then do something to occupy your mind. When intrusive thoughts pop up in my mind I say NO and then I sing a song in my head until I am calm again. Sometimes I have to repeat the song a few times, but I keep playing the song in my head over and over until my thought pattern changes. Technically speaking I believe music is stored in another part of the brain and it engages area of memory recall that are different than the area of the brain managing the intrusive thoughts. It helps me to think about what I'm trying to achieve scientifically. It all feels a bit more medical and less unique and scary to me that way.

Keep posting and write whatever you want. Tell us a story. Tell us about what the room you're in looks like. Tell us what they fed you for dinner. Tell us what you notice about the people around you. Whatever. Just occupy your mind somehow by engaging your senses and by being present in the current moment. Grounding and using your senses also helps with the anxiety and repeating thoughts.

We are here for you. Don't give up!!!

Thanks. I’m listening to music right now. I do try to be present. It freaks me out sometimes though. I’ve spent most of my life hiding inside myself, and disappearing from reality.

[Victoria'smom]

. I'm glad you are safe and you're letting them help you.

[Wander]

It’s 9 pm now. I’ve had interviews with a senior nurse, and my pdoc. The nurse was amazing. So skilled, funny, and compassionate. My pdoc apologised for not getting back to me last week. He had problems getting messages that day. Technology hey. He was very supportive, and talked with me about what I think they can do to best help me. No med changes apart from extra Clonazepam and Seroquel. He also suggested I tell my parents that he wants me to have a few days without visitors to give me a break from the trigger of seeing them. I know a break would be good but I feel so guilty as my Mum lives to serve others so will be lost at home not visiting me.

These positive experiences with my pdoc and nurse have helped ease the paranoia. Still, SI floods me. I’m on frequent observations to keep me safe.

Thank you so much for all your replies. They really mean a great deal to me.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Wander

Thanks. I’m listening to music right now. I do try to be present. It freaks me out sometimes though. I’ve spent most of my life hiding inside myself, and disappearing from reality.

I can appreciate why you'd do that. It is a protective mechanism. However, we need to shift your thought patterns that you're stuck in. I know it feels scary, but take it one little step at a time if you can. Start with a song maybe.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Wander

It’s 9 pm now. I’ve had interviews with a senior nurse, and my pdoc. The nurse was amazing. So skilled, funny, and compassionate. My pdoc apologised for not getting back to me last week. He had problems getting messages that day. Technology hey. He was very supportive, and talked with me about what I think they can do to best help me. No med changes apart from extra Clonazepam and Seroquel. He also suggested I tell my parents that he wants me to have a few days without visitors to give me a break from the trigger of seeing them. I know a break would be good but I feel so guilty as my Mum lives to serve others so will be lost at home not visiting me.

These positive experiences with my pdoc and nurse have helped ease the paranoia. Still, SI floods me. I’m on frequent observations to keep me safe.

Thank you so much for all your replies. They really mean a great deal to me.

This is a great update. I am glad you are getting the help you need. Would it be possible to have the nurse call your Mum and relay what the doctor suggested? That way you dont have to be the one to tell her?

[franz kafka]

I'm glad that you are safe. You seem to have good insight when it comes to knowing when IP is necessary, which is good. I wish you a speedy recovery.

[bizi]

Dear wander, oh am glad that you reached out for help. Am very glad that your health team have been responsive to you including your pdoc. Yes have the nurse call your mom.
I am hooping you are sleeping by now. and get good sleep. klonipin always let me sleep.
Take it a day at a time....let them take care of you for a while.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[HALLIEBETH87]

I’m
Glad you’re safe! We all care about you here and want you around.

Wander I'm so glad you reached out and that you've gotten reassurances to ease the paranoia. You are in my thoughts. Here's to things getting better.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by franz kafka

I'm glad that you are safe. You seem to have good insight when it comes to knowing when IP is necessary, which is good. I wish you a speedy recovery.

Thanks. I’m not in a Bipolar episode so my insight is decent. Still, it took much pressure from my T, a close friend, and a crisis to get me to arrange hospital.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by bizi

Dear wander, oh am glad that you reached out for help. Am very glad that your health team have been responsive to you including your pdoc. Yes have the nurse call your mom.
I am hooping you are sleeping by now. and get good sleep. klonipin always let me sleep.
Take it a day at a time....let them take care of you for a while.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Thanks Bizi. Well I’m up after 2.5 hours sleep despite lots of Clonazepam and Seroquel. I’m still terrified about contacting, or having someone contact, my Mum. Don’t know what I’m going to do.

[Wander]

Woke up nauseas and panicked. Only 2.5 hours sleep so far. Getting close to 2 am. Hoping I get back to sleep soon. Listening to music for now.

[*Beth*]

Wow! I perked up when I read that you were really close to an attempt, but you called the hospital instead! That's inspiring to me.

I hope you're allowing yourself to just relax and rest.

<----- drinking tea

[Wander]

It’s 10 am. Not much sleep but Ive been curled up in bed this morning. Anxiety just getting worse. Want to abscond. Waiting for a nurse. I’m not safe. Voluntary hospital so I can run any minute. Just so terrified.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi Wander, I am so sorry you are struggling like this. I am glad you are in the hospital and that you made that call. I am also glad to hear that the nurse was kind and your pdoc supportive. Is there anything you can try to help bring yourself physically back into the present and to feel more grounded? Maybe one of the staff can guide you through an exercise? Are there opportunities for movement like walks, yoga? Right now it sounds like you are in a safe environment with people who want to help you. If you are afraid you will leave too soon could you discuss your concerns with the pdoc?

[Wander]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Hi Wander, I am so sorry you are struggling like this. I am glad you are in the hospital and that you made that call. I am also glad to hear that the nurse was kind and your pdoc supportive. Is there anything you can try to help bring yourself physically back into the present and to feel more grounded? Maybe one of the staff can guide you through an exercise? Are there opportunities for movement like walks, yoga? Right now it sounds like you are in a safe environment with people who want to help you. If you are afraid you will leave too soon could you discuss your concerns with the pdoc?

Thanks. I just spoke to my nurse who helped ground me, and give me wise advice. I discussed my desperate urge abscond to end it all. She offered me all the support possible to keep me safe. She has known me for nine years throughout many hospitalisations (not that I saw her every time) so she can read me well. I’m lucky to have her as my primary nurse this admission. I haven’t chatted to her much for years.

She gave me Seroquel. It didn’t help last night but I’ve had a higher dose. There are meditation and yoga classes here once a week. Right now I’m too terrified and paranoid to go though. I’m worse today than when I was admitted. The nurses are watching me closely. I’m still curled up in my bed to prevent myself from running away.