[Victoria'smom]

I'm questioning if I'm mixed right now? I'm typing to avoid IOP or calling pdoc/T. I know I will get through this. I just don't know how. I'm going to continue to add to this until I see pdoc on the 16th.

Trigger for feelings like assault, ED, SH feelings.

Possible trigger:

I can't stand this nervous energy, I'm nauseous because my ED is back minus the psychosis, I really want to hurt myself but all I have access to is the keys in my pocket. I hate how my body is reacting. It's like any moment I'm going to be murdered or something. The sucky thing is I can't figure out how to explain myself. I'm so confused and overwhelmed. Along with feeling physically ill. I feel like a little kid throwing a fit. H and I went from fighting a lot to not talking. I can’t even go to bed with him because of my heightened sense something bad is going to happen to me. My head luckily isn’t on the same page as my body or I wouldn’t be in the home right now. I’m trying really hard to concentrate on getting through Christmas. I can make it 2 weeks. I want to take an ambien so I can hopefully sleep well and wake up fine.

[Victoria'smom]

How would I know If I was psychotic? Could it just be high anxiety? I’m only dx. BP2/Sza.

[bizi]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now.
Have you experienced psychosis before?
false beliefs, paranoia, delusions.....could be of religious nature.
hearing or seeing things that are not real.
not fun for sure.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Jennyanydots]

Are you feeling hypomania as part of your mixed episode? how long? For me, hypomania always leads to mania/psychosis within a couple weeks after starting to feel hypomanic. Same symptoms listed by bizi when experiencing mania/psychosis. You may want to contact your pdoc now before it gets worse.

[Victoria'smom]

Have you experienced psychosis before? Yes, more often then not. So I'm wondering if this is a mood change without psychosis.

[Victoria'smom]

Are you feeling hypomania as part of your mixed episode? I don't know. I'm horrible at sussing out my feelings.

[bizi]

hypomania can turn into mania with psychosis for the severely affected.
what has happened in the past?
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

I usually only realize when I'm overly parinod of my husband, talking fast, sleeping less then 4 hrs.... Right now I'm sleeping 4-6 hrs, not talking fast. I recently got out of a mini hypomania where I over spent. I'm still buying over budget buy I'm asking so it's not a surprise.

[bizi]

The holidays are here and it is easy to over spend on presents.
talk with your hubby, come up with a plan.
You are not sleeping enough. try to work on this...call you medical team for guidance.
bizi

[~Christina]

You say “ assault “ are you worried about your husband harming you ? Or are you feelings like harming him and your son? You have felt that a lot in the past.

Your husband has never physically hurt you in the past , you’ve never shared if he did. Yes you too have fought off and on , but again you have never shared if he was verbally abusive. Has something changed?

If this follows your “ typical “ path.. you will just continue with tumble down the rabbit hole until you ... either get a Med change or crash and need T and Pdoc but not be fully honest so you won’t get IP or IOP help. Or you will cycle and be spit out the other side.

Do I think you need to call your T and/or Pdoc now? Yes .. why suffer and wait?

Meanwhile you need to increase your use of any coping skills you have and are able to use.

Stay in the present.. color , draw , write, ask your son to play some of the board games you bought.

STOP spending money. You and your husband need to be strict with your budget, yes it’s Christmas but you still have rent bills and food to buy.. you don’t want to be flat broke and eating scraps before Christmas.

Just keep yourself busy , self grounding and lots of Fact checking daily , hourly if need be.

I’m glad you made yourself a thread , daily check ins here should help you stay present and aware.

[bizi]

Do you have enough ambien to take every night?
bizi

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm kind of overwhelmed by my life right now and honestly just can't think of helpful things for anyone but I wanted to tell you that I support you and hope you are feeling better. I definitely think you need to call your pdoc or therapist; 2 weeks is a very long time to suffer and if things escalate you could wind up in a bad position.

I'm glad you are focusing on one moment at a time.

[Victoria'smom]

You say “ assault “ are you worried about your husband harming you ? Yes, Or are you feelings like harming him and your son? No

Your husband has never physically hurt you in the past , you’ve never shared if he did. Yes you too have fought off and on , but again you have never shared if he was verbally abusive. Has something changed? He has never harmed me verbally, or otherwise. He is a bit controlling I don't blame him giving who I am. However in my defense my first half of my life was riddled with all types of random abuse.

Do I think you need to call your T and/or Pdoc now? Yes How do I explain myself?
why suffer and wait? I don't know how to explain myself and everything will eventually pass. Plus it's only two weeks before I see pdoc. If I can figure out a quick blurb to tell my T I may call. I may call and see if she has any openings before my next appointment.

Stay in the present.. color , draw , write, ask your son to play some of the board games you bought. I'm trying, they sleep too much and I'm up alone often and my thoughts turn to SH when alone (a lot). I have yet to be stable enough to get more then my keys back from July. H wants me to wake him but he just wants to keep me in bed instead of getting up for the day.

STOP spending money I may have to block amazon. I don't mean to be buying. I'm suppose to be looking for gifts for me. I'm horrible at finding stuff for me. My parents bailed me out last month by giving me my gift money but they expect gifts for me under the tree. I can't tell them because their solution is we wouldn't have money issues if my husband made more money. They refuse to see my BP. They may just through more money at us.

[Victoria'smom]

Do you have enough ambien to take every night? I'm only suppose to take it after 48 hrs of no sleep. So 30 pills are suppose to last 3+ months if I can. Pdoc doesn't want me taking any more then 8 a month because it can be addictive.

[*Beth*]

Please call and try to get in sooner than the 16th. That's over two weeks away, which is two weeks too long to wait.

You are making perfect sense. I understand you clearly.

If you haven't done so already, my opinion is for you to take the Ambien.

I'm pulling for you. Paranoia sucks.

[~Christina]

Well I think your in the same mental place that unfortunately you spend most of your time in

Medications seldom work because your limited to non pill form to give you much relief other than snowing you under so honestly I think your going to have to start digging deep and challenge your own thinking and perception , put yourself on a strict daily schedule.

But be more accountable for your actions and certainly for your feelings. You can pick apart a thought and find the true meaning. Sure one thought might take you all day to sort out... but it’s something you can do and it will use up time.

Why not pick a random subject to learn about the Internet is right at your fingertips... write up a report about ?? I know you were setting up work study and you said the Math was too hard to handle right now and you worry the writing course would not be good for you at this time .. So pick a topic .. a person, place or thing.. research the hell out of it. Personally Scientology being just North of you is fascinating, loads of craziness and a fun topic. Or pick an animal. Or how about history of a place you’d like to visit one day. The ideas are endless.

Try and put yourself on a strict schedule. Wake up , wash your face brush your teeth , brush your hair , make breakfast , clean up kitchen, spend 15 mins putting away clutter , spend an hour coloring , watch YouTube for an hour, research whatever you picked, make lunch , clean up kitchen , with your husband and son around it’s probably time to pick up clutter again lol then draw for an hour, listen to music, research more. Start making meal plans that will help you create a grocery list. Make dinner , clean everything up , play board games

Find structure

Do you make your bed daily ? I ask because once a bed is all made it’s harder to crawl back into. Makes you wait until “ bed time”

Anyway just something to think about

[BeyondtheRainbow]

To add to all of Christina's good ideas, I have been learning Spanish online for free. They also have a lot of other languages. Duolingo It only takes about 7 minutes per day to meet your minimum goal, which is all I do and I have a perfect 89 running streak since I started it. I'm not good at it but I'm proud I'm trying to learn.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

To add to all of Christina's good ideas, I have been learning Spanish online for free. They also have a lot of other languages. Duolingo It only takes about 7 minutes per day to meet your minimum goal, which is all I do and I have a perfect 89 running streak since I started it. I'm not good at it but I'm proud I'm trying to learn.

[Wander]

Many good ideas have been offered. You have support here. Suffering as you are must be horrible. I wish I could think of some advice. All I can do is let you know I am cheering you on from the sidelines as you battle, and hope you find some peace of mind soon.

[Nammu]

Did you ever get that DBT workbook you said you were going to get? Spending time doing that would be good for you since you refuse to ever go to IOP

[Sunflower123]

I don’t have any advice for you but wanted to offer my support. I hope you start feeling better soon.

[bizi]

Did you take the ambien and did you get some sleep?
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

Start making meal plans that will help you create a grocery list. I spent all morning doing this and I'm amazed at how much we spend on so little. I ordered pickup so I don't have to go into the store and buy stuff given that currently I'd buy more then we need and spend a lot more then we have. Plus shopping is normally super overwhelming to me and next to impossible right now. I know it's more expensive to do pick up because we have to shop at one store but given my current state and how I'm handling everything the extra money seems worth it but ask me at the end of the month. Now to clear space.

H is getting mad at me because I keep waking him to get the **** up but it's 11 o'clock (started at 9) and he's pissing me off because he's sleeping on the couch. He's the one that doesn't go to bed at night. When he gets mad he fires that I need to call pdoc. That pdoc can't help me with all my rules... Our arguing woke up Miguel. Now we're back to not talking. I'm fine with that because he's up.

Try and put yourself on a strict schedule. I'm trying to do one now but our day to day vary so much day to day. I'm not home most days. Just seeing how many times I have to eat on the schedule is freaking me out. I used your suggestions to flesh out the schedule.

Do you make your bed daily ? No I don't, I'm currently to anxious/nervous energy to stay in bed for any longer than I haveto.

I have been learning Spanish online for free I put that on my schedule but I get embarrassed saying the words out loud.

[Victoria'smom]

Did you ever get that DBT workbook you said you were going to get? No, T wants me to get an anxiety workbook but in May a newer version is coming out. I'm not 100% I have anxiety over paranoia. I already over bought for myself. I want to wait until I decide to stay with this T. That's not something I would want to open in front of anyone.

[Victoria'smom]

Did you take the ambien and did you get some sleep? I did not take the ambien but I did sleep.