Grasping to cope minute by minute... maybe second by second

@Miguel'smom As I understand it, your husband stays up at night? To most people I think that sounds trite. I do not want to minimize the problem with having a spouse who stays up at night. My husband always stayed up at night, sitting in a recliner, watching TV. He'd fall asleep that way. For me, it was sheer hell...I was desperately to sleep, getting zero support from him, and he'd tell me I was crazy.

We no longer live together, he still stays up all night, still falls asleep for brief periods at his kitchen table, is horribly sleep-deprived, and still believes that "one day" he will change his sleeping habits. His life is a mess specifically because of his weird sleep schedule (he won't get any treatment).

For me, there was something about having the TV on (even with low volume) and knowing he was out there while I was trying to sleep that prevented me from relaxing.

You don't have to say things out loud if you don't want to. It just asks you to do it once per lesson at most and you can click a button that says you can't speak at that time. I'm sure i"m not learning to speak Spanish, more just learning some vocabulary and grammar, but it is fun and keeps my mind busy.

It’s good that you realize you are over spending on groceries ! It shocked me too way back when I saved my receipts and saw it!! Fantastic your working on changing food spending.

I thought you had bought the DBT book Nammu is talking about ?? Why would you wait for a new book in May ?? They have DBT and anxiety workbooks books cheap. Your just making an excuse to hold off buying them. You live in a home where your husband and son both have there own mental illness . You would be showing them you are being proactive in using them. Don’t make up illogical excuses. Just order them it’s the first of the month, adjust the rest of your month budget wise to allow for them.

Learning Spanish sounds fun. If your husband is sleeping a lot do it while he sleeps, again your finding excuses. That’s a lot of people default reaction...but that can be changed .

Stop making excuses you and only you can take steps to improve your quality of life.

I just checked on Amazon they have both books starting at 12.99 and up. You can afford them.. it’s just a decision where to put money you’d blow anyway into something truly helpful.

Get made at your current mental state , demand better for yourself

I bolded the part that really jumped out.
Hmmmm. I'm going to get straight to it. I think it would be a very good idea to examine how much you get in your own way with these "rules" (and other "reasons why not to do/try things"). When it comes to getting help and maintaining stability, we often have to step out of our comfort zone. We need to ease up trying to call all the shots and LET the professionals do their job. They can't help if we don't let them(!)

Doing the same thing again and again doesn't produce different results (Btw, that is NOT insanity, I don't care *who* said it. It IS, however, completely illogical.) A question I find useful regarding that is "and how is that working for you?". Yeah, it isn't.

I'm sorry you're feeling as you are. Please understand that I say what I say out of caring. I WANT you to feel better. It is frustrating to see all the self-imposed roadblocks. From an outside perspective it's pretty obvious the connection with frequent distress. Sure, there will be troubles, but why add to them?

Please do call your pdoc. Can't descibe what's happening? Sure you can! -- you've written about it here. Maybe print out your posts. If nothing else, at least it would start the conversation.

Make that call first thing tomorrow, ok?

As I understand it, your husband stays up at night? Yes, currently it's really effecting our relationship.
You don't have to say things out loud if you don't want to. I'll start it tomorrow then.

They have DBT and anxiety workbooks books cheap. I'm not a "reader". Getting the book T recommends seems like a waste because Idk how long I'm staying with her. I'm not convinced I have anxiety. I'm going to talk to my husband about getting it.

I don't feel I have a lot of rules/ no's. Please understand that I say what I say out of caring. I take everything everyone says out of kindness and caring, I'd rather Someone go "Hey, L your ****ing up x,y and z." than just going "maybe look at x,y,z."

Make that call first thing tomorrow, ok? I really don't want to call about a stupid sensation that's bugging me, that she already knows about. I think it's akathisia. I may call the med line (they don't respond right away)

Why does it matter that he stays up all night ? Your either arguing or not speaking as you have nothing to say.. Do you really want to work on your relationship right now?? Do you have energy for that ?

Is there something you wish your husband would do or say? Is he stuck in his own depression ?

Although its great to have a solid support system it truly boils down to helping ourselves, we hold the key to our own happiness.

DBT and anxiety workbooks are not vast amount of reading , it’s basically a discussion about one aspect at a time then you physically fill in the blanks, DBT is all about learning to control your actions and reactions.

A book your T feels might help you?!! you now aren’t sure you will continue to see her ? Do you have options ? Other T’s to see? Youve always said it’s hard to find one. So why quit seeing her ? You haven’t been with her long. Just a heads up I have yet to met anyone with a mental illness that doesn’t struggle with anxiety. Have you ?

So now you have widdled down your original “ paranoia and the omg just totally overwhelmed to “ stupid sensation?” So what has changed since you started this thread??

I’ll be honest I see lots of self sabotage and downplaying your struggle because you have been challenged with logical questions.

I’ll hush up now, I’m just trying to point out somethings, you and I have known each other for years, this is a ongoing problem /mental place for you.. I’m just poking holes in some faulty thinking Many hugs !

Why does it matter that he stays up all night ? It bugs the living **** out of me. Exspecailly when he wakes up late and then doesn't want to get out of bed and pouts if I don't go back to bed.
Your either arguing or not speaking as you have nothing to say.. We get along when I have nothing to say . No generally even with the "arguing" we have a pretty supportive relationship.
Do you really want to work on your relationship right now?? I don't want to keep fighting. We got in an argument about bagels tonight. Seriously! Full blown, "I can't deal with your ****" over bagels.
Do you have energy for that ? I just have enough stress that fighting just isn't helping.

Is there something you wish your husband would do or say? Be awake, accept that me not wanting to be close is okay right now, stop trying to protect me from me.
Is he stuck in his own depression ? No currently he's just frustrated with me.

A book your T feels might help you?!! She recommends the book to everyone but I got the book now.
you now aren’t sure you will continue to see her ? I haven't ever been sure that I'll stay with her. I was originally seeing her to see me 1x a week but it's working out to every 3 weeks. Plus she says some really off the wall **** that I can't agree with that makes me think her training has stagnated.
Do you have options ? Other T’s to see? No I plan on continuing to see her until my Pdoc's office has a T that h's T recommends.
Youve always said it’s hard to find one. So why quit seeing her? I am trying with her and I won't quite for awhile. I don't see it as helpful.
Just a heads up I have yet to met anyone with a mental illness that doesn’t struggle with anxiety. Have you ? That's really good to know.

So what has changed since you started this thread?? Nothings changed I'm not thinking anything bad is going to happen, like paranoia. I'm feeling something bad is going to happen, restlessness(?), on edge (?) like the feeling you get when you know something bad is going to happen. Is that still Paranoia? It's really uncomfortable and leading to me wanting to use negative coping mechanisms.

I’ll be honest I see lots of self sabotage and downplaying your struggle because you have been challenged with logical questions I'm not trying to downplay or self sabotage. logical questions really do help me sort this out. I know I tend to down play.

So it is paranoia not akathisia or anxiety?

I’ll hush up now, I’m just trying to point out somethings, you and I have known each other for years, this is a ongoing problem /mental place for you.. I’m just poking holes in some faulty thinking Many hugs ! Thank-you for continuing to talk me through my messes even though I can be frustrating.

I’m glad to see that your not as on edge as when you first started this thread. Often just what I call “ word vomit” basically just dumping all the crap out of your head and talking about it can be very helpful.

Is your husband still teaching co-ops ?? If so is he able to sleep at night so he’s able to teach effectively?

What are your sleep habits for your son ? Is he also sleeping day time ??

Ideally it would be great for all of you to have a more standard bedtimes. But that takes time.

Just keep posting, keep challenging you thoughts ... Fact Check

Is your husband still teaching co-ops ?? If so is he able to sleep at night so he’s able to teach effectively?
yes, he usually naps then teaches then goes back to bed when he gets home.What are your sleep habits for your son ? bed by midnight up by 9am.

I took a really hot shower last night and was able to relax enough to sleep next to h. Today it's just energy not nervous energy. 4 hrs sleep and I'm good. I really don't think I should go to class.

I'm really fustrated with your self sabotage it seems like you have crisises to see the t and pdoc. It's as if you find illogical excuses to avoid ANY learning of coping skills. You seem to reject stability and find comfort in crisises.

You come up with pathetic excuses not to go to IOP and learn coping skills it's as if you have decided your identity is a broken mentally ill person and any coping skills will threaten your identity.

Coping skills will not cure you but they will make life better. Your RULES are not rules they are obstacles and barriers you put up to keep from having to learn healthy coping skills and handcuff the providers and keep them from efficient treatment for you. Think what you are modeling to your son. that your illness controls you and that you are helpless and nobody can help.

It's like someone here said, you have to be responsible for going outside your comfort zone to make changes. Only you can do that.

I'm really frustrated with your self sabotage I'm sorry your frustrated I'm not self sabotaging.

it seems like you have crisis's to see the t and pdoc. I don't have crisis to see my treatment team. I've only 2x seen them outside my appointment ever. In the 4 years I've been here. Before that I called outside session 1x when I was psychotic and didn't understand what was going on with me. I often refrain from asking for more support.

It's as if you find illogical excuses to avoid ANY learning of coping skills. You seem to reject stability and find comfort in crisis's. I come off here as less stable then I am. I research and practice coping mechanisms a lot. Usually before I say no I've already tried it.

You come up with pathetic excuses not to go to IOP I've only been offered IOP 1x ever. The clinics I go to doesn't even offer IOP anymore.

as if you have decided your identity is a broken mentally ill person and any coping skills will threaten your identity. No, I don't identify as a mentally ill person. I identify more as a mother/wife then mentally ill.

Your RULES are not rules they are obstacles and barriers you put up to keep from having to learn healthy coping skills and handcuff the providers and keep them from efficient treatment for you. I don't have rules.

Think what you are modeling to your son. that your illness controls you and that you are helpless and nobody can help. I'm modeling open and honesty with your treatment, keeping appointments, trying while between appointments, and things like that.

I don't know, MM...I can't help but feel bad for you. I haven't known you for more than a few months, it's true. But aside from your son, your marriage sounds a lot like mine.

My husband has a severe MI (OCD and hoarding). 15 years into our relationship/marriage I moved into my own place. The kids were in college and I couldn't stand living with him anymore.I was fried from caretaking him. I'm stuck on your sleep thing...I really don't believe that people understand how frustrating it can be when your spouse disrupts the routine of the entire house by not going to bed all night.

If you have BD sleep, of course, is essential. A regular, consistent sleep routine.

Anyway, I could get on a soapbox about how my husband's sleep habits messed up our marriage. Bottom line, you have my sympathy.

Sleep and eating is our main argument when healthy. We're both overly supportive/(co-dependent?) we both can stand in the way of treatment. We've got much better. We're both are in therapy and on meds. He's pretty much the only one I interact with so when I'm having issues he gets the brunt of it. Our "arguments" are maybe 5 min. Where I raise my voice and I'm reminded not to raise my voice and then we talk about it. We're both internalize things vs externalize things. If anyone would be label the care taker it would be him. Thank-you so much for understanding why sleep is such an important issue to me.

PC is really eating posts tonight.

Today was better. I'm ammped up and anxiety but in a different way. I don't want to SH as much. I did draw on my skin, to prevent SH.

I would def talk to your Pdoc and let them know how you are feeling. I've learned that being the "squeaky wheel" and "over explaining" (or how I feel in my mind, but I've expeienced huge leaps by finally letting down my "guard") and maybe they can adjust things to get some relief.

Wish you all the best. Feel free to PM if you need an ear to listen.

<3
Matty

We've been adjusting my med each med check since July-ish maybe earlier. She's light/careful with meds. I will be honest The one problem I see is because I don't act on SH thoughts they're not taken as seriously as they should be.

To me, you definitely sound like you have anxiety. I don't think you have to be ''a reader'' to read a page a day of a DBT or anxiety workbook. I too put up road blocks to changing certain things. Reading for 10 minutes a day if you don't already do so seems like a very achievable goal to me. Did you ever watch the movie ''What about Bob''... its one of my favourite movies, its very funny and I recommend it if you haven't watched it. Bob always talked about ''baby steps''

I haven't seen "what about Bob?" since I was little. 10 min doesn't seem bad. I'm going to try to do that.

Good suggestion for a movie.