Bipolar check-in #42

First dose of Thorazine I slept like 14+ hours

Second a couple hours

Then ??!! not even a long blink I stayed on it about 2 weeks.

I had no Thorazine shuffle.

My only trouble was ... whether I slept or not I had horrible trouble with blurred vision day after, like unable to send or read a text.

Hope it helps you

Glad you got all the paperwork !

You are doing amazing with using couple skills be proud be proud !

Glad your warm

He had macular degeneration. He was a truck driver with blue eyes and never wore sun glasses. My aunt, his sister has it too but she went to the doctor first sign of trouble and they stopped it. I'm brown eyed and wear sunglasses all the time. But because I'm legally deaf the idea of blindness scares the crap outta me. I have no symptoms of macular problems just blurry vision. Yeah those fine print on all glamorous products are very fine print.

Magnum looked so sexy in his short shorts, that's a look very few could pull off.

Oh, just about any puzzle will do. My grandparents did them all the time and and we used to keep some around here but everytime mum gets in a cleaning fit she donates everything that's not nailed down so us kids won't have to deal with it! I do like the pictures of lakes. Used to have those little three dimensional wooden puzzles too but they went a long time ago. A couple of years ago I bought 4-5 puzzles and finished them all and mum shipped them off. She prefers the crosswords and word search puzzles and buys them at the dollar store.

I do have mahjong solitaire on my iPad but it's kind off tiny. I could dig out the deck of cards and play with those

I’m so glad you were not hurt !! I wish people would freaking pay attention while driving !!!!!

Your bible study group?!!! I honestly think I would skip. This restrictive diet is just terrible.. I think I could control myself from grabbing a slice , but I’d be miserable miserable miserable

Thanks, Christina! I actually have LOTS of Abilify(!) The Rx kept getting filled for awhile, even though I wasn't usually taking it. I kind of figured, whatever, better to have it. (I've stopped them filling it for awhile now.) I don't know when I'll see a new pdoc. My primary retired, which shifted my date to be seen till the first week of February, when I will meet my new primary. That's when I can get a referral for mental health. Apparently I can't just set it up myself (I tried, and also tried to see if they could get me a referral before the appt. Nope.) So then of course, it becomes a matter of how long it takes to get in. A few years ago, I actually saw the person I hope to get set up with again. I just picked up my main psych meds the other day and still have 2 refills, so that should not be a problem.

I would have been fine continuing to see the providers I've been with these last few years, but at this point financially I'd have to go self-pay and it is cheaper for me to go to people through my insurance. So change it is.

Thanks, WC! I've realized that part of my problem is that in getting up too late, I haven't been spending a proper amount of time with my light box (because when it's time to go to work, it's time to go to work. Gotta catch that bus. Transit forces me to not just be on IZ Time. ) So that's a viscous circle I need to break.

I'm also sure it's not helping that I've been dealing with a lot of physical pain lately (one side of neck, shoulder, arm, hand that gets to a level of making me very squirmy and impossible to distract myself from.). They're still working on figuring out exactly what's happening and how to help it, but it seems one of the x-rays revealed some arthritic deal in my upper spine that reduces the space that nerves and stuff run through (as I understand it from a quick phone call I got). Makes sense. I'm supposed to find out more at my appt. (first week of Feb.). Meanwhile, I've started PT. I'm hoping that can help, because I shudder to think what surgery on one's spine would cost(!)

But there is also a lot of good stuff in my life, so I'm really working on really, really appreciating that.

I'll try to keep you posted, but I'm not very good at that (dang, full-time work takes up a lot of my time!). I barely keep up reading just this thread and a few games. But I'll try.

Oh BeyondtheRainbow, I'm so glad you are ok!!

On the elimination diet, I hear ya. I've become unable to deal with lactose. At first it was kind of hard, missing some things I love, among them, pizza. (Yeah, yeah, lactose free cheese now -- not impressed and certainly NOT the same). If the decision were mine, I'd skip this one. It's pretty much an impossible to ignore scent, which doesn't help matters, you know?

Have you tried the lactase pills? I find they work well. I'm lactose intolerant too.

I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. try to sleep things may improve by tomorrow.
bizi

Quote:

Originally Posted by childofchaos831 Possible trigger: I can't keep doing this... I am so tired of it all. I'm tired of fighting and it not getting any better...

I'm so sorry. I know the feeling. I hope that after some sleep you find that your hope is at least somewhat restored.

I am sad that my husband had to return to work after the holiday weekend. I'm feeling immediately lonely. I see my therapist today, but I haven't been that eager to see her. I don't dislike her, I just feel she hasn't sparked much in me, during a lackluster period. The relationship feels a little stale.

There is a lot I want to do before May. I wish I had the spark to delve into these things. I'll mention that to my therapist and see what she says. I've mentioned that spring is often my "upswing" time. I don't want to have to rely on upswings to get stuff done. Our plans for May have the makings of a very high one. I need to prepare for that, accordingly.

Yesterday at the store was probably the fifth time in recent years that a local resident asked if I was British. That surprises me because I don't think I sound British at all. Plus, I'm likely more of a local than all of the people who've said that. I couldn't be more central NJ if I tried. I'll admit that where I grew up was on the PA border, but I've lived a little further to the east for over 20 years now. I wonder if my European husband's accent has worn off on me a bit. I wouldn't say that his English sounds British, but his original English studies were British (not American) English. It's odd, my husband's accent doesn't sound much at all like when his family speaks English. Not like his friend's accent (whose lived in central NJ even longer), and definitely not like Ivana Trump's (another Czech), either. Yesterday kind of triggered me in a mild way. I've started to feel like a stranger in my own land. The thought of moving to Europe makes me feel I'll be a stranger there.

Add on: My brother just called and asked if he can visit me today. I have therapy, so told him it had to be early and shorter than usual. Truth is, I don't want to see or talk to anyone in my family other than my husband. I've been avoiding them. I'm avoiding everyone.

Sorry you're struggling so much.

I know it's hard to cope with everyday life when the future looks bleak. It sucks. It really does.

In my case, I was unstable for many, many years straight and felt there was no way out of this hell. Then finally, after finding the right med combo, things got a lot better. It took a long time, but I did find stability. Are my meds perfect, though? No, definitely not. Meds don't work 100% of the time. But I am feeling a lot better than I was before. It was a long and arduous journey, but it was worth fighting. I never imagined I would ever feel so good after feeling so sh_tty for years on in.

We do have to remember that with bipolar, or even schizoaffective, it's virtually impossible to feel this way for the rest of our lives. Things will always get better at some point, as cliche as that sounds. That's the nature of the disorder. Of course, I can't guarantee that you won't become unstable again, but there are at least moments where I've truly enjoyed and cherished life. I cling onto those moments of happiness and joy when I'm feeling down, and it has helped me when I reminisce on all the good times I've had because it reminds me that life can be beautiful and isn't always this hell we have to endure from time to time.

Please don't give up fighting. You deserve to get better and enjoy life. Things will eventually get better. You won't always feel like this.

Uh boy...

Still feeling sick today. I've got like heartburn and this phlegmy cough and on and off nausea. I'm up to soup and bread and had eggs for breakfast today, oh and also drinking pure or practically pure water. This process is he'll on my mind! Like, I don't even want to eat because of nausea but some of that is hunger so I feel better after eating some, but then if I take a wrong bite of something, I lose a little progress it seems.

Possible trigger (ED)

On another note, I oddly seem to be maintaining my fast naturally. But I still look so fat! Like no change! I haven't weighed myself yet since being sick because I weigh at my parents house and they're home now and I don't want to face them... but I'm afraid I'm already gaining back all the weight I may have lost and that depresses me. :/ I mean, the one good thing about being sick is weight loss, no? But I'm afraid I'm back to where I was and I'm STILL not even eating my normal diet. Do I really have to eat so very less to maintain or lose weight anymore?? I mean, yesterday I had two bowls of chicken soup and 3.5 pieces of toast and a banana and applesauce...think that's it. I dunno. Maybe that IS normal and I have a binge eating disorder, but at the same time, I hate my body (well, right now I'm frustrated. I don't always hate it, but I hate that losing weight is so hard) and try to distract myself from food till I can't take the hunger anymore and even after eating just a little, I'm scared to eat more even if I am hungry. I mean, I'm scared of being sick again more than looks, but it's both there. I wanna weigh and see like 4lbs down, but I probably didn't even lose that much because it took two weeks for me to lose two pounds before.

Rant done

I am so sorry you are struggling like this. I know at times, it feels like it will never stop, never get better. But as others have said, it will get better. Just don't give up. See if you can get some rest. Maybe you'll feel better when you get up.

Sending you prayers and support.

Ohh! I found it posted here awhile back when i did my psych testing. It says i have

(I've also been diagnosed with unspecified bipolar disorder

So, there you have it! But meds don't seem to be necessary at this point.

Ahhhh relief ! You have adequate amount of Abilify to get you through times like this. I have ridiculous amount of old left over psych meds, over the years I have been ping ponged back and forth on things, plus is just goes against my common sense to throw out perfectly good medications.

Hope February arrives quickly and you don’t have a long wait to get things lined up.

Oh neck /spine ! I have spinal stenosis, I went to PT once and was shown a few exercises, my GP wanted twice weekly PT for 6 weeks. Was going to be 27.00 per visit , ahhh no can do. I do try to remember to do the exercise daily but I’ve not been really consistent, my bad !

Have you Pdoc brought up ECT ??

You have a lot on your mind, the trip in May which has been a problem time of the year for you in the past and of course making the full move .. I think I’d have trouble trying to find a starting point. Maybe just talking about possible big changes with your T might give you some clarity.

I had some my sister sent because they weren't working for her. I tried them a few times, but I don't trust them to do the job and I do not want to deal with ... consequences if/when they don't. I also think they are way more expensive than they probably should be.

I've just adjusted my eating. Really there are only a handful of foods I really miss.

I can handle incidental amounts of lactose, so that's a help too.

Have you felt doubted? I hope not.
Is the person who has done the testing the one saying meds don't seem necessary? Or is that your pdoc's opinion? Your opinion?

I am wondering if things might settle down for you and might feel more manageable if you tried a mood stabilizer?

I have a BPII diagnosis and for many, many years, I was diagnosed as treatment-resistant MDD. I never thought I would benefit from a mood stabilizer and my pdocs at the time never thought so. Yet, I have seen a different pdoc and she had immediately started a mood stabilizer and I still have some challenges, yet do much, much better than I was without the mood stabilizer.

It would be quite easy to try a mood stabilizer to see if it helps. Many of us use a med called "lamotrigine." It has its pros and cons; yet, I have found it one of the very easiest meds to take and I am incredibly sensitive to meds. We are all different, of course.

I have been reading your thread and have wondered if you just might feel more stability in mood with a mood stabilizer?

just a thought.

Innerzone, I hope you don't mind a question.

Do you have some safe dairy foods? I'll have to test this as I get to that part of the elimination diet but it has seemed like I was ok with some yogurt or a bit of cheese. I ate pizza up until the elimination diet without problems, a sprinkle of cheese on pasta, a bit of cheese on a sandwich, etc. But drink some milk and I'm in trouble (although I accidentally drank chocolate milk, about 4 oz, and didn't react. That is just meaningless though; I'm 99.9% sure I have a dairy issue that seems to be milk only. I haven't tried lactose free or lactaid; I meant to before I started the diet and I forgot/was too afraid. It seems weird.

Thanks

Oh it’s just cold, my dogs are being jerks wanting to go out much more than normal. So off to the pasture we go , I swear I’m back in the house 2 mind and the shorter haired dog is yapping like a freaking jerk to get back in... I’m DONE! He not dealing with diarrhea or anything. Just being a damn jerk !

My carpal tunnel is just being a monster today

Just replied on the other thread but will say again. Looked up the definition of unspecified bipolar disorder and it says basically, not bipolar but has some experience with abnormally elevated moods.

To address this post, I actually was on Abilify for awhile but it didn't seem to do anything and was causing weight gain. I asked my pdoc to help take me off of it. Like I've said, depression is far more concerning for me than my highs. I mean the times of concern are if I cannot sleep and or I become too talkative/textative (lol) and say mean things (the irritability and impatience and extreme boredom). But that was only really really bad when I was also taking Intuniv for possible ADHD, which was just...i mean, I had to get off immediately. Was jittery and couldn't sleep and just felt icky.
So, I'm doing ok not on mood stabilizers right now. I'm just curious about all this and have noticed recently feeling "better"...so just trying to keep tabs.

Wait, what's "felt doubted?"

So I broached the subject of paranoia last session. Next session I think I'll ask other than more medication what I can do about it. I really want my life back. I miss you guys.