Bipolar check-in #42

OH, he was my favorite on that show. They were all good but he had something special!

It’s great your being proactive !!!!

I think writing things down is very helpful !

Hahahahaha!!!!!!

Today my husband watched a typical “ group of young adults in some house/some cabin or camping and typical bad things happen, instead of being smart the characters always do the dumbest thing possible , the girls scream bloody murder all the time. People are picked off one by one , they finally show a glimpse of the monster or crazy looking person hunting them down , but one single girl always survives. The plot is so over used. But usually my husband is asleep 50% or more anyway lol , I just walk by and lower the volume drastically

I've now added 2 foods back to my diet--apples/applesauce and hamburger. Tomorrow I start with eggs I think. Or vegetables. It should start to get easier now.

I'm feeilng gulity because I"m skipping church again. I haven't been since Christmas eve. It's because the foods I can eat aren't portable and my blood sugar sometimes drops enough I need to eat NOW.Protein helps but it's not like I can bring a hamburger to church (and that's the only protein I've cleared yet).

By next week I think that will be better but I feel like I"m not doing something I should. My therapist cautioned me about saying no when I am not well enough to do things; his timing was impeccable. I'm doing well on adding foods back to my diet but I get really tired really easily along with the blood sugar issues.

I'm feeling better on the elimination diet. I hate to admit that because it means there is some benefit but I do. I am so excited for the next few weeks to add vegetables and fruit and more diverse meat. Even pasta sounds good although I'll be starting with chickpea based pasta and sticking to something like that to help control the pre-diabetes.

I can't wait for tomorrow's egg. Or green beans. Or egg....so hard to choose...

I don't think I could ever survive that I limitation diet your on rainbow! It sounds way too hard. I'd miss my cheese too much. I'm glad it is helping though and yay to whichever food you pick tomorrow.

That elimination diet is maddening, I had to do one before but it was absolutely not as strict as what your dealing with.

I know missing church is really bothering you. Could you maybe send a card to someone in your bible study just quick explanation as to why your unable to attend right now ? I imagine you would get prayers from the entire congregation.

I’m very interested in the chick pea pasta .. can you let me know what it’s like ???

I “ think” you had to eliminate all sugar too? I was thinking you should carry glucose tablets.. maybe something to have on hand in the future? My daughter has hypoglycemia and carries them with her since she passed out at work one day. She always keeps protein bars in her purse in case the “ oh hell I have to eat now” hits

My blood sugar will bottom out sometimes, I have probably 3-4 extremely smooshed protein bars in my purse LOL

Enjoy your glorious food additions

Sorry you’re going through so much.

I have had chickpea based pasta. I legit could not tell the difference in flavor when I added sauce on top... and I am a VERY picky eater. Eating it plain is fine for me too. Done that before as well.

If you're looking for specific chickpea pasta brands that are good, the Barilla one is the one I'd recommend. Good protein in it too. Check Barilla Protein Plus. My former nutritionist told me about it.

But yeah, chickpea pasta and adding some sort of flavor on top (sauce, fake butter, etc.) should make it no big deal flavor wise. I honestly just get chickpea pasta nowadays for the protein. All the flavor is in the sauce anyways, and I make my own sauce from crushed tomatoes because I hate the amount of salt in off-the-shelf pasta sauces.

Thanks Christina and Nammu for the support.

Someone from Bible study who is also the church secretary knows. Actually the pastor knew that I was doing this but not really when. I've been trying to balance being honest about things with not sounding like I'm whining or making things up for attention. I can get on the prayer list; maybe that's a good idea.

I have glucose tablets in my purse. Since I'm on metformin every so often I need one. The diet hasn't explicitly said no sugar but it wasn't on the list of things I could have. And now I have pre-diabetes to fight with so sugar will be limited. I actually want healthy stuff more than sugar anyway. I kind of want chocolate but I want fruit more. (besides apples. I can eat them but they aren't my favorite).

Barilla Plus is at least partially chickpea. HellMart (tm Christina) has various bean pastas like lentil, black bean and chickpea. I've never tried those but will soon. Pasta sauce will take a while to get to because it multi-ingredient. I'll let you know how it goes or please let me know if you try anything. I'm curious how if it will make pasta or paste. (I know Barilla Plus is good but not sure of the others. and my mom doesn't like the Barilla Plus). I also buy zucchini spirals (I have one frozen bag that is with pesto) or carrot spirals and eat that instead of pasta. i may wind up buying a spiralmaker thing (I am blanking on the word) if the frozen ones are expensive.

I need to find some protein bars to have with me. That's a good idea. They are tricky because I can't have soy from my MAOI and peanut butter (so I assume peanuts?) is likely to be a food allergy. But if I look I am sure to find something. I get produce through Misfit Market and last time they sent a free protein bar that was icky. Definitely need to try again from that one.

Anyway, thanks again. Yes, this is definitely hard although I'm getting so used to it that aside from feeling crappy most of the time it almost feels like this is a new normal. Someday it will go away. And then I can hopefully have pizza. And Taco bell, my new craving as of yesterday. I don't even like Taco Bell and don't remember what in the commercial sounded so good but something made me desperate for it. Still not as much as pizza though .

Thanks Blue.

We were typing the same thing at the same time pretty much. I like the Protein Plus too but find it needs to cook a little longer than the instructions say to reach al dente. Not a big deal and probably fixed if you don't mainly eat the ones my nieces call "angel's wings" and which I no longer remember the real name. Farafelle? Spaghetti is probably better.

I eat the elbow noodles typically. But yeah, they do take longer to cook in general... the rotini ones in particular. Maybe 10 mins longer for me on average, depending on the type of "noodle."

I have been buying Protein Plus for years now and I have no intentions of going back to regular pasta when this one is so much healthier and has a good source of protein. The only downside to it is that it's more expensive than regular pasta, but otherwise, it's an overall better option IMO.

I tend to buy organic foods for "clean" eating so that I am not loading myself up with weird chemicals or possible allergens. Though, when it comes to fruit like apples, I don't particularly care if they're "organic" or not.

I am here. Not doing so good. My hands have been shaking. I think it is the Straterra. I will postpone this one, and try the Benztropine. If that works, then I will add Amphetamine Salts. I then will be on my original meds before the addition of Straterra,

I ended up getting a suspicious call from a person who claimed to be my cousin. He claimed that his car broke down. How did he get my number? He did not provide me with his name. The callee id was blocked. So I told him to call back in a half an hour. I then drove over there, and after allot of searching, did not find any car matching his description. I am glad that I did not warn him that I was coming. I went home, let the dog in, and locked the front door. When I went outside to walk the dog, I carried protection. Nothing has happened, which is a good thing,

I have been feeling depressed today. I have not been practicing my piano. I have been scatter-brained. I just want to sleep until I feel better. However, tomorrow morning, I need to pick up my daughter for work.

I’m sorry your still struggling hard.

Yeah fishy call.. I don’t get cell service from my house so I’m spared those calls , I get quite a few hang ups , so maybe scammers.

Maybe your old combo will be what’s needed again??? I have been bounced back onto old meds many times and they work well.

Stay safe

I think I'm back. I miss you guys. I was healthy enough to stay on my own 2x this week without "incidence". Good thing about this "episode" is I picked up an old new hobby, drawing and I'm spending more time with family. Now I have to get back to self care and taking care of the house. It was long and I don't know how I got better but I'm glad I'm feeling better. I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone.

That's great news!

I hope you continue to feel better and continue to do well.

I took Strattera before and I didn't get tremors/shaking, but it did make me feel tired and anxious. It was a weird drug for me. I ultimately went off of it because (1.) it was weird as I said, and (2.) it didn't help me with concentration. I'm better off with a stimulant (in my case, Ritalin).

Not to be insulting about the drug, but if you look up reviews, most people say that Strattera causes problems instead of helping. Only a small handful of people actually say it works. But I've read that it acts more like an "antidepressant" type of med (in terms of its mechanism of action) compared to stimulants and other traditional ADHD meds.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon so that you're able to practice playing your piano.

I got 2 hours of sleep last night. I went to bed at 2am and gave up at 4am.

I don't know why I couldn't sleep. It was weird as hell. I just wasn't tired...?

In other news, I officially have my first guitar lesson on Tuesday!! I'm super excited to go to it!! I think I'm actually going to stick with guitar this time, so I hope that it all works out for me. I'm going to dedicate quite a bit of time to practicing to get better, like 1 hour a day. I actually kinda wanna record myself practicing every single day (or at least every week) so that I can see my progress.

I wish I could sing, but I can't. My voice is awful. lol. I also have poor control over my voice in general. My therapist thinks my flat affect and flat vocal tone (which is the problem here) might be due to Asperger's, although I would have to undergo testing for that.

Very happy for you

Sorry you didn’t get any sleep, I tried and failed also

I think it’s great your taking lessons and yes do record your playing , it will be awesome to hear as you improve

I checked out the patient portal and looks like my diagnoses have been changed to PMDD and GAD. This diagnostic journey has been interesting. I know my psychiatrist still thinks something is up with my moods, as well as attention and I think this is just what they landed on at the moment until I follow up with additional specialists. However, I guess I might not actually have bipolar disorder. I feel a little funny that I've been posting here and maybe don't even have this diagnosis, but I am glad I met everyone here anyway. It might not be the exact same diagnosis, but it's been helpful to talk to people who are going through their own mental health journeys.

My husband and I had a lovely time at a Chinese friend's Chinese New Years celebration last night. It was just us, our host friend, and one of her Chinese friends (from Beijing) that also works where my husband does. I confess that in the very beginning, I was quite nervous, as I often am around new people. I started to sweat. Luckily, a tall glass of ice water, and some time, calmed that. Such anxiety if often triggered by a feeling that I must perform. The performance, in this case, was to speak as much Mandarin Chinese as I could remember. I did better than I expected. It's surprising how words and phrases come out of the dusty memory archives, when pressured.

The dinner was outstanding. We had a traditional soup, homemade dumplings, spring rolls, short ribs, pick and peel shrimp, and even a traditional sweet purple rice dessert, and other goodies. We drank rose petal tea and wine. Hubby drank a famous Chinese beer from our friend's hometown, called "Tsing tao". Hubby got a bit drunk, unlike the rest of us. I had to drive home.

While reminiscing about my time in Beijing in 1989 (right before the Tiananmen crisis), the ladies made me realize that I had been the American student selected (out of five) as the primary student representative visiting Beijing No. 8 high school (among the best in China). It was during my senior year in high school. I was assigned to the host family with the nicest apartment, and more "duties" than any of the other four students on the trip. I had to give a speech in Chinese, in front of much of the school. It was me that gave a speech, in English, in front of another school (a School for the Arts), and me that had to demonstrate my dancing ability in front of the school. Each performance was attended by almost 100 Chinese students and teachers, combined. For some reason, I just didn't question why only I had such duties, or object to doing them. The others did nothing solo. When they did anything, I was involved, too. In recent years, since my bipolar diagnosis, I identified having been hypomanic during that trip. I'm guessing it was hypomania that made me able to perform as I did, and be a bit oblivious to my special role; a role that I was not notified about in advance. I also now understand why I was given such a starring role.

Only recently did I read a particular high school grade report from that year. The teacher (also the host of the China trip and my assigned guidance counselor) made a big deal about me representing the US, very admirably, in China. As a teen, I believe I brushed off that praise as nothing.

A few years back, I started to write a memoir. For some very odd reason, I didn't even think to include my China trip in it. And yet, it was extremely significant in my life, and significant to the Chinese; it was during a time when they were only just forming more cultural exchanges with the US. But now, so many aspects of it are clearer than ever. I wonder if other memories of past hypomanias and full manias will become more vivid? I have written about many, these last few years, but continue to add more details. When I write about this China trip chapter, I plan to consult with my friend who served as my host student there. Luckily, I have kept in touch with her a bit over the years. I'm certain that her memory is clearer than mine.

I'm still all hyped but I'm taking a day off the Ativan because I've been taking max dosage every day forl ike three or four days now and it's not working as well as it used to so adios Mr. Lorazapam. God My brain is just going so fast i can't really handle it and sometimes it jdrives me nuts i don't know what to do at these times but I just gotta ride it out and try to keep my sheos on

I am so glad to hear this! I know it must have been a challenge. It's great you are picking up hobbies and thinking of self care. One step at a time.

^^^^

I worked in China a fair bit. You cannot believe a single word that government says.

I am sorry about the sleep issue. I hope you are okay without sleep once in awhile?

Wow! A lesson already! Nice job! I hope you enjoy this very much!
Santana did not sing, did he? If so, it never impressed me, so if he sang is was not great! You might be the next Santana! ?

You sometimes mention the fact that your therapist mentions the fact that she feels you have flat affect. Do you feel like this is true? If so, do you perceive this to be a "problem" for you? And if so, is it possible to simply practice showing affect? I truly do not know that answer and I am hesitant to ask because I honestly like you just the way you are. I am wondering, though, if you would like the flat affect issue to be different? Do you feel it interferes in your life in any problematic way?

I love ya!

I am so glad to read you are feeling better!
Welcome back!