Bipolar check-in #42

Haven't updated in here for awhile.


So, things are moving along with the application process for the new apartment complex. I'm just waiting on one document to arrive in the mail then they said I'd be set to move in. I'm excited but stressed at the same time.


One of my cats is very sick, and I'm worried she might have cancer. I have to go to the vet this week to have her examined. She's an older cat, and I'm scared that it may be time for her to get put to sleep. I don't want her to be in pain though. She's such a wonderful girl, my little snuggle bug. She is the most affectionate sweetheart in the world. I love her so much.


I have a toothache so I have to go to the dentist to get that checked out tomorrow. Hoping I don't need a root canal.


I'm stressed, very very stressed. I want to go to sleep and just wake up in the new apartment with everything done and taken care of so I can settle in. And of course I'm very worried about my cat.

Feeling fat today. Otherwise Im good. Listening to the dryer run. Getting clothes caught up. N3 is taking over n2's old room and finding things! A ton of laundry that needs/ed washed and FOUR wheat pennies! My aunt collects them and has a lot. I give her the ones I find. Back on Thanks giving I had n2 bring me the two I had at the time but she lost them! Dont ask me how- no idea. A 5-minute drive and she lost them. She "put them somewhere safe". Anyway ... Now I have six! Yippee!


Been using my Keurig instead of Starbucks. I do need milk/cream in my coffee though but I have given up sugar in my coffee. On rare occasions, I drink it black.


I want a dog but can't afford the vet bills. You can get pet insurance but thats not easy either. My friend had it through her old job for her hedgehog.


I am getting my hair cut Wednesday. Im looking forward to having a tidy hair style but NOT the mirrors! They have mirrors everywhere! And its a new stylist as my old one for years apparently doesnt work there anymore?? She only worked 2 days a week but still we- kids, me, my mom and her husband- all liked her.

bpcyclist, I'm glad to read that your mood is a bit more level today. That sucks that Abilify affects your cycling. I used to bike, but on certain medications I feel a bit off balance. Not that I couldn't bike, but it makes me anxious. That, and I sometimes get so distracted that I end up in a ditch.


Today was OK. When I went to the grocery store my friend (who also has bp1) was working. I asked him how he was and he said he was really tired. He looked tired. I, on the other hand, could honestly say "OK" unlike several days before today. I was happy that I planned my shopping trip very carefully to include lots of sale items, though only ones that I actually wanted/needed. Between "on sale savings" and "PPC & Str Coupons" I saved $45! That represented almost 30% savings total than if I had bought the same items without sales/coupons. I was proud of myself! I bought an on sale bottom round roast and cut it up into beef stew cubes and vacuum sealed it all for the freezer. Then I compared the price at a discount grocery store, per pound, and my efforts saved me about 50% compared to if I had purchased pre-cubed beef. I done such things with chicken, but never with beef for stewing.


I wanted to go to this gourmet shop and buy one of their big oatmeal raisin cookies. I have REALLY craved an oatmeal cookie. But instead of paying $2 for their big cookie, I came home and made a 1/3 batch of my own homemade. That gives me 9 medium-sized cookies for a fraction of the price. They look just as yummy.


I am bound and determined to cut our grocery spending this year!


I went to the pharmacy. As predicted, she tried to give me my Latuda without applying the coupon savings card I gave them about four months back. They tried to get away with that last month. With the coupon savings, my co-pay is $15 per month for Latuda. Without, it is $85. Last month I was fresh home from Florida with bronchitis. I went to the pharmacy with my husband, but he was paying. Luckily my husband noticed the astronomical price before we left. We demanded the coupon be applied. The pharmacist didn't know what he was doing so made me come back the next day to get the refund. I just HATE having to run back and forth to the pharmacy numerous times per month!


What if I had paid that extra $45 at the grocery store and $70 extra copay at the pharmacy? Who here can easily spare an extra $115 in a given day, for no good reason? $115 is more than I paid (after coupons/sales savings) at the grocery store today, and I got a whole lot!


You have to be vigilant!

My colon gaurd kit was delivered this morning and I dropped it off at 4:30. So, that's that done. All my preventive physical stuff is done for a year. With any luck I'll not have to see the doc until 2021. I think my eyeballs are due in July or August tho.

Finally fell asleep about 4 AM and slept until about 10, which is great, for me. Not psychotic or manic this morning, also great. Grateful for all that. Just basically holding on until my next pdoc visit in a day or two. We will try to get a game plan for everything--sleep, mania, pschosis, suicidality. No idea what he is going to want to do. Am also now having this bizarre, quite spooky neuro SE to my Abilifry, where my arms start shaking like crazy up and down when I am riding the bike. Cannot ride like that. Can't find any other reports of this anywhere. It is not TD and not a tremor. Just weird. I am so weird. Plus, I have Periodic Limb Movement Disorder now, so balancing all these neuro issues with effective treatment will be tricky. But Dr. C can do it. He's a genius.

Anyhoo, just holding on. I can make it. I've made it this far.

Sending hugs and love to everyone.

Been up and down.....

My boyfriend's mom sent me a write-up of my boyfriend's history in the system, of his hospitalizations, rehab, everything, so when we move in together and get married if anything happens I can give this to his doctors, (I am planning on taking us far away).

This rattled me A LOT. Can I really take all this on? I mean my past is just as horrible as his, so I have no right to judge him at all, but I can't stop thinking about it.

What if I am making a huge mistake? I love him so much, but what if we destroy each other?

I googled that story, doesn't say how but it does say the Pierre learns to care.

I woke up in a mild funk again. I don't know what to do today. I don't want to do anything, but don't want to do nothing, either. I should look at a French learning textbook. I'll push myself.


Tomorrow is another dreaded trip to Philly for my husband's eyes. The worst part is that his appointment is in the mid morning, instead of the usual 1 pm"ish". During commuter time. They were pressuring him to take an 8:30 am, but we said "No!" because we'd have to get up extremely early. I wish poor hubby's eye would finally recover well enough that these trips were just twice per year! We were there just four weeks ago. We've been making them for what seems like years. At least there is no snow in the forecast.


I see my therapist today. I don't feel like talking to her. I don't dislike her, but...I don't know. I am in a state of mind where I don't like anything. I'm even sick of myself right now. I'm irritable.


Does anyone here remember the children's book about "Pierre who doesn't care"? You know, how Pierre would keep responding "I don't care!" That stupid thing is going through my head. If I recall correctly, in the end Pierre said "I don't care" even when faced with the danger of being eaten by a lion. Am I right? Can someone remind me if the lion ended up eating him? Or did he suddenly care when faced with that imminent danger? It's been over 40 years since I read/heard that story.

Will you be seeing your doctor soon? The neuro sx sound serious and quite frightening. There are so very many types of movement disorders; I tend to think some of these meds can trigger more than the few we tend to see/experience most often.

I am concerned, too, because I've gotten the impression that riding your bike has been quite helpful to you?

I know there used to be times when my bike kept me sane/balanced.
You put in some tough days! What keeps you going?

Much Love~

I woke up in a mild funk again. I don't know what to do today. I don't want to do anything, but don't want to do nothing, either. I should look at a French learning textbook. I'll push myself.

Tomorrow is another dreaded trip to Philly for my husband's eyes. The worst part is that his appointment is in the mid morning, instead of the usual 1 pm"ish". During commuter time. They were pressuring him to take an 8:30 am, but we said "No!" because we'd have to get up extremely early. I wish poor hubby's eye would finally recover well enough that these trips were just twice per year! We were there just four weeks ago. We've been making them for what seems like years. At least there is no snow in the forecast.

I see my therapist today. I don't feel like talking to her. I don't dislike her, but...I don't know. I am in a state of mind where I don't like anything. I'm even sick of myself right now. I'm irritable.

Does anyone here remember the children's book about "Pierre who doesn't care"? You know, how Pierre would keep responding "I don't care!" That stupid thing is going through my head. If I recall correctly, in the end Pierre said "I don't care" even when faced with the danger of being eaten by a lion. Am I right? Can someone remind me if the lion ended up eating him? Or did he suddenly care when faced with that imminent danger? It's been over 40 years since I read/heard that story.

I am sorry you are struggling a bit, BirdDancer. I wonder if maybe you are just going through a bit of a bumpy/rough/'slighly less stable bp patch?? It happens to virtually all of us. Do you think your meds are all solid? Where they should about be?

When I have the "I don't give a s*** self-talk going, and I fairly regularly do, unfortunately, sometimes it is situational (just grumpy about something happening or about to happen in my life), sometimes, I am physcially tired, sometimes, my bp is acting up, and sometimes, I think I just get momentarily tired of the accumulated mass and burden of having to constantly deal with all this stuff. And of course, sometimes, it may be a bit of everything at once.

So, I hope you are not judging yourself. It happens. This could just be another speed bump. Probably is. This too shall pass, as they say.

I hope the trip to Philly is calmer than anticipated. Never did like driving in that city. I hope you find some peace. Sending you support and perhaps a little uptick in how you are feeling--soon.

I visited my NP yesterday. I cried all the way there and during the visit and after the visit talking to my daughter. I wasn’t necessarily looking for a med adjustment because my SAD is fairly hard to treat. She said she’d see me in March and to let the increased Vraylar have more time to kick in. I’ve been on the increased dose since mid December. I am disappointed at her response. I understand that I have severe, treatment resistant depression on a good day but it’s early in the game to give up.

I’m going out to a movie tonight to get my mind off things. I have to notarize and fedex a medical form that has very emotional connotations for me. I’m having a hard time getting it done. Looking for signs to move forward.

On a brighter note, I’ll probably be meeting M Monday to visit. I didn’t think I’d see her until February so that cheers me up. I have a dessert recipe that I want to try out and take to her.

I’ve calculated that it is 19.71 weeks until the pool opens...my happy time. I’ve made some goals and plans to see me through this period of time.

Warm regards to all and hugs to all those that are struggling.

I woke up in a mild funk again. I don't know what to do today. I don't want to do anything, but don't want to do nothing, either. I should look at a French learning textbook. I'll push myself.


Tomorrow is another dreaded trip to Philly for my husband's eyes. The worst part is that his appointment is in the mid morning, instead of the usual 1 pm"ish". During commuter time. They were pressuring him to take an 8:30 am, but we said "No!" because we'd have to get up extremely early. I wish poor hubby's eye would finally recover well enough that these trips were just twice per year! We were there just four weeks ago. We've been making them for what seems like years. At least there is no snow in the forecast.


I see my therapist today. I don't feel like talking to her. I don't dislike her, but...I don't know. I am in a state of mind where I don't like anything. I'm even sick of myself right now. I'm irritable.


Does anyone here remember the children's book about "Pierre who doesn't care"? You know, how Pierre would keep responding "I don't care!" That stupid thing is going through my head. If I recall correctly, in the end Pierre said "I don't care" even when faced with the danger of being eaten by a lion. Am I right? Can someone remind me if the lion ended up eating him? Or did he suddenly care when faced with that imminent danger? It's been over 40 years since I read/heard that story.

I'm feeling withdrawn, depressed, and everything hurts. The depression is back.


I'm waiting for Remeron to kick in. I hope it does soon but I only went on the full dose 5 days ago, so it might be a while.


A positive is that my website is getting lots of traffic from search, which is great for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm writing about stuff that people are looking for and 2. I'm high enough in there search result for people to click through to my site.


While I was having sleep problems I used the time to learn and write so I posted a bunch of articles and it's nice to see people reading them.

I visited my NP yesterday. I cried all the way there and during the visit and after the visit talking to my daughter. I wasn’t necessarily looking for a med adjustment because my SAD is fairly hard to treat. She said she’d see me in March and to let the increased Vraylar have more time to kick in. I’ve been on the increased dose since mid December. I am disappointed at her response. I understand that I have severe, treatment resistant depression on a good day but it’s early in the game to give up.


I’m going out to a movie tonight to get my mind off things. I have to notarize and fedex a medical form that has very emotional connotations for me. I’m having a hard time getting it done. Looking for signs to move forward.


On a brighter note, I’ll probably be meeting M Monday to visit. I didn’t think I’d see her until February so that cheers me up. I have a dessert recipe that I want to try out and take to her.


I’ve calculated that it is 19.71 weeks until the pool opens...my happy time. I’ve made some goals and plans to see me through this period of time.


Warm regards to all and hugs to all those that are struggling.

Oops, BirdDancer, forgot to say that I had not recalled that book. Will have to find it.

So, really, just sort of holding on here until pdoc visit tomorrow. We have so much to go over, I am worried that there won't be enough time to do it all. I only booked 30 minutes at $175. Dr. C is the best, but he stopped taking insurance, so even when I had it, it wasn't covered. So, I am making a little list and prioritizing it all. 1. Psychosis; 2. Mania; 3. Sleep; 4. SI. 5. Weird neuro side effects, likely to Abilifry. Hope we can get it all in.

I am hopeful, which I take as a good sign, since hopelessness has been a big issue at times for me. Fingers crossed.

Hugs to everyone struggling.