Bipolar check-in #42

I am sorry about the sleep issue. I hope you are okay without sleep once in awhile?

Wow! A lesson already! Nice job! I hope you enjoy this very much!
Santana did not sing, did he? If so, it never impressed me, so if he sang is was not great! You might be the next Santana! ?

You sometimes mention the fact that your therapist mentions the fact that she feels you have flat affect. Do you feel like this is true? If so, do you perceive this to be a "problem" for you? And if so, is it possible to simply practice showing affect? I truly do not know that answer and I am hesitant to ask because I honestly like you just the way you are. I am wondering, though, if you would like the flat affect issue to be different? Do you feel it interferes in your life in any problematic way?

I love ya!

I've now added 2 foods back to my diet--apples/applesauce and hamburger. Tomorrow I start with eggs I think. Or vegetables. It should start to get easier now.

I'm feeilng gulity because I"m skipping church again. I haven't been since Christmas eve. It's because the foods I can eat aren't portable and my blood sugar sometimes drops enough I need to eat NOW.Protein helps but it's not like I can bring a hamburger to church (and that's the only protein I've cleared yet).

By next week I think that will be better but I feel like I"m not doing something I should. My therapist cautioned me about saying no when I am not well enough to do things; his timing was impeccable. I'm doing well on adding foods back to my diet but I get really tired really easily along with the blood sugar issues.

I'm feeling better on the elimination diet. I hate to admit that because it means there is some benefit but I do. I am so excited for the next few weeks to add vegetables and fruit and more diverse meat. Even pasta sounds good although I'll be starting with chickpea based pasta and sticking to something like that to help control the pre-diabetes.

I can't wait for tomorrow's egg. Or green beans. Or egg....so hard to choose...

Yeah, the guitar guy got back to me quickly. I called him on Thursday and he actually had an opening for Friday (the next day), but it was at the same time as my therapy appt, so it would've been impossible to do.

I don't think I'll be a Santana. lol. I do have lots of prior music experience, though, as I mentioned a while back, so I know half of what I need to know (how to read music, all the intricacies of music theory, etc.).

And yeah, I do have flat affect and flat vocal tone. All of my psych evaluations have said that, as have all my pdocs and therapists.

My therapist thinks that my flat affect "pushes people away." She claims that I make people think I'm "uninterested in them." I'm not sure if that is true or not, but everyone says there is a major disconnect between what I'm feeling and what my face is showing. My therapist even admitted that she can't read me. She told me to tell her how I'm feeling (e.g., if I'm happy, sad, etc.). I mean, I try to practice showing emotion, but I suck at it because I either over exaggerate it or I don't do a good job at all, so I've just kinda given up and let it be.

The weird thing is that my therapist told me not to worry about whether or not I have Asperger's, yet here she is saying that I likely have it (when I asked her) and that it's causing social problems for me???

I checked out the patient portal and looks like my diagnoses have been changed to PMDD and GAD. This diagnostic journey has been interesting. I know my psychiatrist still thinks something is up with my moods, as well as attention and I think this is just what they landed on at the moment until I follow up with additional specialists. However, I guess I might not actually have bipolar disorder. I feel a little funny that I've been posting here and maybe don't even have this diagnosis, but I am glad I met everyone here anyway. It might not be the exact same diagnosis, but it's been helpful to talk to people who are going through their own mental health journeys.

OH, he was my favorite on that show. They were all good but he had something special!

My husband and I had a lovely time at a Chinese friend's Chinese New Years celebration last night. It was just us, our host friend, and one of her Chinese friends (from Beijing) that also works where my husband does. I confess that in the very beginning, I was quite nervous, as I often am around new people. I started to sweat. Luckily, a tall glass of ice water, and some time, calmed that. Such anxiety if often triggered by a feeling that I must perform. The performance, in this case, was to speak as much Mandarin Chinese as I could remember. I did better than I expected. It's surprising how words and phrases come out of the dusty memory archives, when pressured.

The dinner was outstanding. We had a traditional soup, homemade dumplings, spring rolls, short ribs, pick and peel shrimp, and even a traditional sweet purple rice dessert, and other goodies. We drank rose petal tea and wine. Hubby drank a famous Chinese beer from our friend's hometown, called "Tsing tao". Hubby got a bit drunk, unlike the rest of us. I had to drive home.

While reminiscing about my time in Beijing in 1989 (right before the Tiananmen crisis), the ladies made me realize that I had been the American student selected (out of five) as the primary student representative visiting Beijing No. 8 high school (among the best in China). It was during my senior year in high school. I was assigned to the host family with the nicest apartment, and more "duties" than any of the other four students on the trip. I had to give a speech in Chinese, in front of much of the school. It was me that gave a speech, in English, in front of another school (a School for the Arts), and me that had to demonstrate my dancing ability in front of the school. Each performance was attended by almost 100 Chinese students and teachers, combined. For some reason, I just didn't question why only I had such duties, or object to doing them. The others did nothing solo. When they did anything, I was involved, too. In recent years, since my bipolar diagnosis, I identified having been hypomanic during that trip. I'm guessing it was hypomania that made me able to perform as I did, and be a bit oblivious to my special role; a role that I was not notified about in advance. I also now understand why I was given such a starring role.

Only recently did I read a particular high school grade report from that year. The teacher (also the host of the China trip and my assigned guidance counselor) made a big deal about me representing the US, very admirably, in China. As a teen, I believe I brushed off that praise as nothing.

A few years back, I started to write a memoir. For some very odd reason, I didn't even think to include my China trip in it. And yet, it was extremely significant in my life, and significant to the Chinese; it was during a time when they were only just forming more cultural exchanges with the US. But now, so many aspects of it are clearer than ever. I wonder if other memories of past hypomanias and full manias will become more vivid? I have written about many, these last few years, but continue to add more details. When I write about this China trip chapter, I plan to consult with my friend who served as my host student there. Luckily, I have kept in touch with her a bit over the years. I'm certain that her memory is clearer than mine.

Yeah, the guitar guy got back to me quickly. I called him on Thursday and he actually had an opening for Friday (the next day), but it was at the same time as my therapy appt, so it would've been impossible to do.

I don't think I'll be a Santana. lol. I do have lots of prior music experience, though, as I mentioned a while back, so I know half of what I need to know (how to read music, all the intricacies of music theory, etc.).

And yeah, I do have flat affect and flat vocal tone. All of my psych evaluations have said that, as have all my pdocs and therapists.

My therapist thinks that my flat affect "pushes people away." She claims that I make people think I'm "uninterested in them." I'm not sure if that is true or not, but everyone says there is a major disconnect between what I'm feeling and what my face is showing. My therapist even admitted that she can't read me. She told me to tell her how I'm feeling (e.g., if I'm happy, sad, etc.). I mean, I try to practice showing emotion, but I suck at it because I either over exaggerate it or I don't do a good job at all, so I've just kinda given up and let it be.

The weird thing is that my therapist told me not to worry about whether or not I have Asperger's, yet here she is saying that I likely have it (when I asked her) and that it's causing social problems for me???

Maybe she should learn to use empathy so she can spend less time 'reading' you and more time 'feeling' you...

Maybe she should learn to use empathy so she can spend less time 'reading' you and more time 'feeling' you...

I checked out the patient portal and looks like my diagnoses have been changed to PMDD and GAD. This diagnostic journey has been interesting. I know my psychiatrist still thinks something is up with my moods, as well as attention and I think this is just what they landed on at the moment until I follow up with additional specialists. However, I guess I might not actually have bipolar disorder. I feel a little funny that I've been posting here and maybe don't even have this diagnosis, but I am glad I met everyone here anyway. It might not be the exact same diagnosis, but it's been helpful to talk to people who are going through their own mental health journeys.

My husband and I had a lovely time at a Chinese friend's Chinese New Years celebration last night. It was just us, our host friend, and one of her Chinese friends (from Beijing) that also works where my husband does. I confess that in the very beginning, I was quite nervous, as I often am around new people. I started to sweat. Luckily, a tall glass of ice water, and some time, calmed that. Such anxiety if often triggered by a feeling that I must perform. The performance, in this case, was to speak as much Mandarin Chinese as I could remember. I did better than I expected. It's surprising how words and phrases come out of the dusty memory archives, when pressured.


The dinner was outstanding. We had a traditional soup, homemade dumplings, spring rolls, short ribs, pick and peel shrimp, and even a traditional sweet purple rice dessert, and other goodies. We drank rose petal tea and wine. Hubby drank a famous Chinese beer from our friend's hometown, called "Tsing tao". Hubby got a bit drunk, unlike the rest of us. I had to drive home.


While reminiscing about my time in Beijing in 1989 (right before the Tiananmen crisis), the ladies made me realize that I had been the American student selected (out of five) as the primary student representative visiting Beijing No. 8 high school (among the best in China). It was during my senior year in high school. I was assigned to the host family with the nicest apartment, and more "duties" than any of the other four students on the trip. I had to give a speech in Chinese, in front of much of the school. It was me that gave a speech, in English, in front of another school (a School for the Arts), and me that had to demonstrate my dancing ability in front of the school. Each performance was attended by almost 100 Chinese students and teachers, combined. For some reason, I just didn't question why only I had such duties, or object to doing them. The others did nothing solo. When they did anything, I was involved, too. In recent years, since my bipolar diagnosis, I identified having been hypomanic during that trip. I'm guessing it was hypomania that made me able to perform as I did, and be a bit oblivious to my special role; a role that I was not notified about in advance. I also now understand why I was given such a starring role.


Only recently did I read a particular high school grade report from that year. The teacher (also the host of the China trip and my assigned guidance counselor) made a big deal about me representing the US, very admirably, in China. As a teen, I believe I brushed off that praise as nothing.


A few years back, I started to write a memoir. For some very odd reason, I didn't even think to include my China trip in it. And yet, it was extremely significant in my life, and significant to the Chinese; it was during a time when they were only just forming more cultural exchanges with the US. But now, so many aspects of it are clearer than ever. I wonder if other memories of past hypomanias and full manias will become more vivid? I have written about many, these last few years, but continue to add more details. When I write about this China trip chapter, I plan to consult with my friend who served as my host student there. Luckily, I have kept in touch with her a bit over the years. I'm certain that her memory is clearer than mine.

I'm still all hyped but I'm taking a day off the Ativan because I've been taking max dosage every day forl ike three or four days now and it's not working as well as it used to so adios Mr. Lorazapam. God My brain is just going so fast i can't really handle it and sometimes it jdrives me nuts i don't know what to do at these times but I just gotta ride it out and try to keep my sheos on

I feel really worn out often due to my meds, they're very sedating. They're the only thing that's been effective for my sza/bipolar though.


Things are going pretty good, stressed about moving but other than that I'm okay. Have to rely on community meals around town to eat for the next week till I have money to buy food. Hopefully this week goes by fast.


I have to get 2 teeth pulled because my insurance denied the request from my dentist for root canals, so I'll schedule that tomorrow. Frustrated about it but it is my own fault, the years I was bulimic really caused a lot of damage to my teeth. Thankfully they're teeth in the back. I have an infection in one I'm on antibiotics for right now. Think I have like 5 more days left of taking them.


Hope everyone is doing okay and has a good week

My friend had a stroke-like episode (possibly a minor stroke) today. She's in the Neuro ICU but they think she'll be ok.

She's my age (mid 40's) - so scary.

My heart goes out to you.

I was very ill in the '90's and saw a fairly well-known holistic M.D. He had me do an elimination diet. It was brutal, in that I had a lot of "withdrawal symptoms" from various foods. I was very ill from this diet. I recall I was mostly in bed, with piles of blankets on me and I was still shaking with chills and writhing in pain (mostly joint pain then). It was June and hot out, too. I also had severe migraines for those two weeks. I could not function to get the correct foods into the house and have them ready for whenever/whatever I could eat. A very good friend of mine stayed with me during the first two weeks and helped me tremendously!

Although it can be very tough to get through, I honestly think it can be very healthy for the body. I guess I should schedule another one then? Lol!

It is very tough and I admire the way you are handling this.

I realize you may be looking for some foods that are not combined with other ingredients and may be looking for some kind of a variety in what you can eat, thus far. I want to share a site with you. They offer all kinds of specialty foods and also offer a filter for various types of diets (for example: paleo, gluten-free, sugar-free and more).

I buy most of my supplements here, too. I have friends who buy almost all of the canned and dry foods , protein bars, etc., they would otherwise buy at the local health food store and the order is delivered to their door.. and they report they save money. If not helpful to you, please just disregard . I save big money by buying my supplements here as well.

www.vitacost.com

I am glad you are able to stick with the dietary protocol. It takes a strong-willed person to do so.

I am sorry you are missing church. Some churches in my area offer free recordings of the sermon to people not able to attend. I wonder if this might be an option for you? I know it does not replace the fellowship though.

Much Love to You!

I think I'm back. I miss you guys. I was healthy enough to stay on my own 2x this week without "incidence". Good thing about this "episode" is I picked up an old new hobby, drawing and I'm spending more time with family. Now I have to get back to self care and taking care of the house. It was long and I don't know how I got better but I'm glad I'm feeling better. I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone.

My friend had a stroke-like episode (possibly a minor stroke) today. She's in the Neuro ICU but they think she'll be ok.


She's my age (mid 40's) - so scary.

Thanks for the link. I will at least use them for supplements; much cheaper than my local chain pharmacy and easier than going to the one where my therapist is but is the only one that stocks the dose of magnesium I take.


I definitely haven't felt well but not as sick as you were. Mostly I'm just extremely tired and cold. I can't really nap but I feel like I could sleep all day.


I can see church online but I miss the people and getting out of my house. I've really only been out for therapy, pdoc and a couple trips to the store. I think my small group is off for the next few weeks so I've got time to recover before that. I want to take a class that lets me volunteer but am holding off until March for that.


It will be ok. I had spinach today so green leafy vegetables are my next addition for the next 3 days. Vegetables are amazing. Color and taste and texture. I've been waiting a long time.


Now if I could just get the pizza I crave so much...

Thanks for the link. I will at least use them for supplements; much cheaper than my local chain pharmacy and easier than going to the one where my therapist is but is the only one that stocks the dose of magnesium I take.

I definitely haven't felt well but not as sick as you were. Mostly I'm just extremely tired and cold. I can't really nap but I feel like I could sleep all day.

I can see church online but I miss the people and getting out of my house. I've really only been out for therapy, pdoc and a couple trips to the store. I think my small group is off for the next few weeks so I've got time to recover before that. I want to take a class that lets me volunteer but am holding off until March for that.

It will be ok. I had spinach today so green leafy vegetables are my next addition for the next 3 days. Vegetables are amazing. Color and taste and texture. I've been waiting a long time.

Now if I could just get the pizza I crave so much...