How to get control back

sarahsweets · Feb 19, 2020, 07:54 AM

Hey @Tryingtobehappy5 have you considered a medical detox or treatment in a duel diagnosis program?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Hey everyone

I havent been on in a long time, for 10 months I took my meds regularly, didnt drink as often and didnt have any episodes that were bad enough to cause a disturbance in my life. So I didnt come around because Bipolar wasnt in my mind other than twice a day at med time and I liked it that way.

2 weeks ago some depression started and I got sick and couldnt take the meds one day because of my throat. After that I just couldnt make myself take them anymore. Then I started drinking again and I have been drinking a lot.

I have been mostly non-compliant since the bipolar issues started except for that 10 months and I know the trainwreck I am headed for and I dont want it. But it feels impossible to go back on the meds and quit drinking. I believe I am bipolar and I believe I am an alcoholic and I know how horrible this all is but I feel like I am watching myself make these decisions with no control over it.

I had a T appt today and we talked about the no control thing and how that is not true. We also talked about how if I was just gonna go this route I might as well just get as drunk as I can mess things up and be forced IP instead of dragging this out and causing more harm in the meantime. That sounds stupid but in my messed up mind it almost makes sense and I feel really dumb when I think about it.

I dont know what I want here and I feel bad that I am only a regular when I need help but I need the help bad enough that it is worth it to come back even if i dont deserve to. I want to take the control back and not have to go IP to get back to normal, how can I do that myself?

Feel free to tell me I am being stupid, I know I am but if you have any suggestions or things that have helped you I would sure appreciate them.

Tryingtobehappy5 · Feb 19, 2020, 10:10 AM

Thank you fern. Your post made me cry, it is so hard to be nice to myself at the best of times, when I am like this it feels close to impossible, but it sounds so comforting that I can choose to change those self defeating thoughts. It is just easier said than done in the moment. If I can do it, I can turn this around. I just dont have much hope right now.

Sarah I have done rehab last summer, I dont need medical detox though. I tried to get into a dual diagnosis IP dbt program last year but they turned me down because I was too unstable and actively drinking.

Feb 19, 2020, 10:49 AM

Good morning, Tryingtobehappy. Have you been to an AA meeting since starting this thread? I recall you expressed a possible interest in going. What time(s) are the meetings near you? If you're willing to go, just do it! If you go, raise your hand and let someone know that you feel vulnerable to drinking. I know we live far apart, but if you are willing to go, how's about I promise to go to my local one at 12:15 pm today? Would that help? I really want you to get sober again, but you have to work it, not just one day at a time, but one hour...one minute at a time. If you find yourself in your car in front of a liquor store, take a breathe and ask yourself "Do I really want to go in the liquor store?" If you say "yes", ask the same question five more times. If a "no" comes out, then within a second start the car again and go home/to a safe place.

fern46 · Feb 19, 2020, 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Thank you fern. Your post made me cry, it is so hard to be nice to myself at the best of times, when I am like this it feels close to impossible, but it sounds so comforting that I can choose to change those self defeating thoughts. It is just easier said than done in the moment. If I can do it, I can turn this around. I just dont have much hope right now.

Sarah I have done rehab last summer, I dont need medical detox though. I tried to get into a dual diagnosis IP dbt program last year but they turned me down because I was too unstable and actively drinking.

Hugs! I understand how difficult it can be. I find it challenging even when I'm in a stable place. It is work worth doing though. Every bit of progress you make helps. It happens one step at a time, picks up momentum as you go, and gets easier the more you practice.

It is empowering to know we can design the life we want for ourselves. You will go forward. You will go backward. Sometimes it will feel horizontal, upside down or even like you're standing still. The goal is to evolve over time and grow in your ability to love yourself. The real you. The essence hidden underneath all the trauma and the drama.

Tryingtobehappy5 · Feb 19, 2020, 11:03 AM

Hey Birddancer, I forced myself to go last night. We have it only Tuesday and Friday here. Today I have considered over and over if I should give in and go to the liquor store. Last night was very bad for me, AA did calm me down a bit but the hopelessness did not lessen like it usually does when I go. That was dissapointing. I normally end up feeling like I want to keep trying and like I can handle it afterwards but this time I just felt defeated like they all had what I wanted but would never have. Anyways they tried being supportive but I am really not doing well and it just didnt help. Thank you for your encouragement though, I will do my best to focus on those brief moments where I feel like I can manage this.

fern46 · Feb 19, 2020, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Hey Birddancer, I forced myself to go last night. We have it only Tuesday and Friday here. Today I have considered over and over if I should give in and go to the liquor store. Last night was very bad for me, AA did calm me down a bit but the hopelessness did not lessen like it usually does when I go. That was dissapointing. I normally end up feeling like I want to keep trying and like I can handle it afterwards but this time I just felt defeated like they all had what I wanted but would never have. Anyways they tried being supportive but I am really not doing well and it just didnt help. Thank you for your encouragement though, I will do my best to focus on those brief moments where I feel like I can manage this.

Maybe make that trip to the store hard on yourself. Put your keys in one place. Put your wallet in another. Write a note that says I'm not going to the store and put it on your review mirror and another on your door. Make your house an obstacle course you have to pass through in order to go. Each obstacle is a physical reminder that you want to make a change today.

Reward yourself every time you make a good decision. A small sweet treat. A warm bath. Some cozy socks. Play a game online. Order yourself something nice. Buy a new book to read. Listen to a favorite song. Whatever.

Tryingtobehappy5 · Mar 21, 2020, 09:35 AM

Quick update to this thread. After a couple of days sober I couldnt handle the suicidal thoughts and intense cravings anymore and went to my GP for diazepam. He and my H convinced me to agree to go IP then they sent me involuntary anyways so I couldnt change my mind and I was there for the past month.

I am in a better place now although I still want to drink and Im not exactly excited about life. My meds were increased and I had help through the worst of it and I am grateful for that(although after about a week I tried saying I wanted to go home, they werent having that lol) Hopefully the med changes will continue to work better over the next couple of weeks since I know it takes time.

Thanks again to everyone who helped me when I needed it, I will continue to take your suggestions and try to implement them as best I can

fern46 · Mar 21, 2020, 09:38 AM

Thanks for the update. You have my support. I wish you the best with getting back in the swing of things now that you're back home.

Fuzzybear · Mar 21, 2020, 08:36 PM

Tucson · Mar 23, 2020, 07:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fern46

Maybe make that trip to the store hard on yourself. Put your keys in one place. Put your wallet in another. Write a note that says I'm not going to the store and put it on your review mirror and another on your door. Make your house an obstacle course you have to pass through in order to go. Each obstacle is a physical reminder that you want to make a change today.

Reward yourself every time you make a good decision. A small sweet treat. A warm bath. Some cozy socks. Play a game online. Order yourself something nice. Buy a new book to read. Listen to a favorite song. Whatever.

Impressive. I am going to see if I can try this. Online shopping is another animal. However, if I use local businesses instead of online, it may work. All my daily needs can be met this way. I will have to be satisfied with this.

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