severely pissed -- what to do?

01:12 PM

I don't know if I have bipolar or not, but I am SEVERELY pissed off right now since going off rexulti. I want to punch and kick the **** out of things. Everyone and everything just pisses me off.

I have no specific triggers. I just randomly get bursts of severe anger and I don't even know why I am pissed. I just know that I AM.

On top of that, my stomach is being stupid. I am barely ever hungry, and when I do eat, I get nauseous. So, that isn't helping the situation.

What can I do to relax myself? I am at work right now and I want to ******* kick my desk and throw my laptop across the hallway and ******* stomp on it.

01:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I don't know if I have bipolar or not, but I am SEVERELY pissed off right now since going off rexulti. I want to punch and kick the **** out of things. Everyone and everything just pisses me off.

I have no specific triggers. I just randomly get bursts of severe anger and I don't even know why I am pissed. I just know that I AM.

On top of that, my stomach is being stupid. I am barely ever hungry, and when I do eat, I get nauseous. So, that isn't helping the situation.

What can I do to relax myself? I am at work right now and I want to ******* kick my desk and throw my laptop across the hallway and ******* stomp on it.

I wonder if it is a breakthrough episode, bluebicyle? Sounds like it could be one. If I quit my antipsychotic, only took a small amount of anticonvulsant, and a stimulant (basically cocaine for me), I'd have a breakthrough episode. But that's just me.

Sometimes psychotic · Mar 03, 2020, 08:47 AM

Did you taper the rexulti ? For me I had similar anger issues with abilify on a fast taper....ended up I had to taper off over a year to get off without anger issues.

Wild Coyote · Mar 03, 2020, 09:11 AM

Hi Blue,

I'd replied in the check-in thread. I want to modify my response a little.
We've talked some about how this has gotten out of hand in the past.

My first suggestion: Call your pdoc.

My second suggestion: You stay home, or go home, from work in order to be sure nothing happens at work. Preserve your job.
I am very concerned. This sounds like it's the worst episode since I have known you?

My third suggestion: If you truly cannot go home, isolate as much as possible. Calm yourself, if possible, with breathing exercises or with any strategy that helps.

Please be very careful. You could easily lose your job. You could hurt yourself/others with road rage. You could get into an altercation in any setting.

The safest place for you right now: home or at the ER

This is just my very humble opinion; however, my opinion is an educated opinion -- educated by you.

Please be very careful, Blue. Be safe. Don't take chances.

You know I care.

winter4me · Mar 03, 2020, 09:34 AM

Be safe, take care, you will get through this.

01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I wonder if it is a breakthrough episode, bluebicyle? Sounds like it could be one. If I quit my antipsychotic, only took a small amount of anticonvulsant, and a stimulant (basically cocaine for me), I'd have a breakthrough episode. But that's just me.

No. I was chronically pissed before I started any medication.

Possible trigger:

I remember punching my dad in the head, slamming his head against the wall, whacking his head with a 1000+ page hardcover book, etc..

I had also destroyed things -- some of my stuff and some of other people's stuff. Smashed laptops, threw stuff, kicked things, whipped my phone against the wall so hard that it shattered everywhere, dented a fridge door with my foot, kicked a hole through my bedroom door, etc. etc.. That was my normal since I was 14 and I am now 28.

Mar 03, 2020, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Did you taper the rexulti ? For me I had similar anger issues with abilify on a fast taper....ended up I had to taper off over a year to get off without anger issues.

More or less went cold turkey. I stopped taking it one day, went back on it to take half my dose for 2 days in a row, then stopped taking it altogether.

fern46 · Mar 03, 2020, 09:57 AM

I agree with the other posters here.

I will add this. I think perhaps it is time to admit that you actually are quite angry about several conditions in your life. You have shared them here. The change in meds may be allowing your feelings that have been repressed for quite some time to flow forward in a way that is uncomfortable.

Now is not the time, but I encourage you to connect with these feelings of anger when you are in a better place and work to process them. That might include talking with the people you're angry at and being brutally honest about how you've been feeling. Feelings don't always come forward in the moments where the situations that cause them occur. I experienced this kind of rage when I was sick. It always comes from somewhere.

I am sorry this is happening. I hope you can find some relief soon.

01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

No. I was chronically pissed before I started any medication.

Possible trigger:

I remember punching my dad in the head, slamming his head against the wall, whacking his head with a 1000+ page hardcover book, etc..

I had also destroyed things -- some of my stuff and some of other people's stuff. Smashed laptops, threw stuff, kicked things, whipped my phone against the wall so hard that it shattered everywhere, dented a fridge door with my foot, kicked a hole through my bedroom door, etc. etc.. That was my normal since I was 14 and I am now 28.

That's seriously violent behavior, bluebicycle. I hope your psychiatrist and/or therapist knows all about this. It's not normal behavior. I don't think I need to be a doctor or therapist to state that.

Wild Coyote's suggestion about going home sick rather than showing violence in the workplace is a good one. Such behavior, even if verbal, can definitely get a person fired. I wouldn't want that to happen to you.

fern46 · Mar 03, 2020, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

That's seriously violent behavior, bluebicycle. I hope your psychiatrist and/or therapist knows all about this. It's not normal behavior. I don't think I need to be a doctor or therapist to state that.

Wild Coyote's suggestion about going home sick rather than showing violence in the workplace is a good one. Such behavior, even if verbal, can definitely get a person fired.

Or arrested.

And it isn't normal, but it is the same kind of behavior that came out of me when I was psychotic. I broke down a wall. I smashed a laptop. I was out of control, but the more I look at it, pieces of my subconscious that had been abused and mistreated over and over were pissed and were fighting back. When the dam breaks, it breaks.

That may not be what is happening with Blue, but it feels familiar. My pdoc told me the story of a client he has that is going through something very similar. My mother raged and oddly enough smashed a laptop when she was psychotic. All kinds of stuff I never knew about from her past came up and out on display when she was sick.

I'm trying to help myself out and work through this stuff while I'm stable because it is an incredibly dangerous show when I'm not.

Mar 03, 2020, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi Blue,

I'd replied in the check-in thread. I want to modify my response a little.
We've talked some about how this has gotten out of hand in the past.

My first suggestion: Call your pdoc.

My second suggestion: You stay home, or go home, from work in order to be sure nothing happens at work. Preserve your job.
I am very concerned. This sounds like it's the worst episode since I have known you?

My third suggestion: If you truly cannot go home, isolate as much as possible. Calm yourself, if possible, with breathing exercises or with any strategy that helps.

Please be very careful. You could easily lose your job. You could hurt yourself/others with road rage. You could get into an altercation in any setting.

The safest place for you right now: home or at the ER

This is just my very humble opinion; however, my opinion is an educated opinion -- educated by you.

Please be very careful, Blue. Be safe. Don't take chances.

You know I care.

No, I don't need the ER.

I would go home, except I have meetings, so I can't. I am now hanging out in a room by myself and typing on my phone because I am angry.

I already went for a walk around the building, but that did nothing except make me lightheaded from not eating, I think. I still want to kick things and throw things.

Earliest I can leave is 2pm, and it's just past 10 right now.

Mar 03, 2020, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fern46

I agree with the other posters here.

I will add this. I think perhaps it is time to admit that you actually are quite angry about several conditions in your life. You have shared them here. The change in meds may be allowing your feelings that have been repressed for quite some time to flow forward in a way that is uncomfortable.

Now is not the time, but I encourage you to connect with these feelings of anger when you are in a better place and work to process them. That might include talking with the people you're angry at and being brutally honest about how you've been feeling. Feelings don't always come forward in the moments where the situations that cause them occur. I experienced this kind of rage when I was sick. It always comes from somewhere.

I am sorry this is happening. I hope you can find some relief soon.

I don't know what is making me angry though. I am just pissed off at everything it seems. I can't identify any repressed feelings.

I was pretty pissed yesterday and I was clenching my jaw to the point it feels sore. Now it's only gotten worse.

I wish I had a klonopin or something with me. But nope, I don't have any PRNs with me at work.

Mar 03, 2020, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

That's seriously violent behavior, bluebicycle. I hope your psychiatrist and/or therapist knows all about this. It's not normal behavior. I don't think I need to be a doctor or therapist to state that.

Wild Coyote's suggestion about going home sick rather than showing violence in the workplace is a good one. Such behavior, even if verbal, can definitely get a person fired. I wouldn't want that to happen to you.

No, I haven't told my psychiatrist. I can't talk to him because of his stupid "assistant." She gets in the way of everything and she will only add to the rage. I don't need more aggravation.

I could call my therapist, but I doubt she'll be able to help. She is just going to tell me to go for a walk or use breathing exercises, neither of which work.

fern46 · Mar 03, 2020, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I don't know what is making me angry though. I am just pissed off at everything it seems. I can't identify any repressed feelings.

I was pretty pissed yesterday and I was clenching my jaw to the point it feels sore. Now it's only gotten worse.

I wish I had a klonopin or something with me. But nope, I don't have any PRNs with me at work.

You've been furious with your sister a lot recently. You've been angry with your parents. You've been angry with your psychiatrist. This is all very recent, but these are also issues that have been going on for years. They come up, you fume about them, but there is no resolution. The anger remains.

I wish you had one too. I know this sucks terribly. Maybe a cup of tea or something? Some nature sounds on youtube to ground you? I know you're tying everything you can think of.

Sometimes psychotic · Mar 03, 2020, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

More or less went cold turkey. I stopped taking it one day, went back on it to take half my dose for 2 days in a row, then stopped taking it altogether.

Personally I would try a half dose again when you can...this could be drug withdrawal....for me I had never been so angry as when I stopped abilify and there was no real rationale. Like we are talking things that would cause minor issues like someone used a resource when I was signed up for it. Normally I’d have a discussion, but instead I decided we needed to ban the user and physically lock the resource to everyone outside our group. Which we actually did. But like everything was a trigger. With a slower taper six months later, no such issues.

01:18 PM

Well, I ******* kicked the couch really hard when I got home. And then I threw ****. I am enraged, but thankfully I am home now and not at work.

Possible trigger:

if I have to feel this way forever, I would rather kill myself. And I DON'T want the akathisia from rexulti. ****. THAT.

I am PISSED

Wild Coyote · Mar 03, 2020, 03:35 PM

Hi, have been thinking of you and am glad you are home safely!

Please be careful that you don't harm yourself by kicking. punching, etc.
Definitely don't take your life. There is help for this, blue.

What CAN you do to get help?

I am very concerned about you!

Moose72 · Mar 03, 2020, 03:41 PM

Blue, here are some virtual hugs. It seems like you need them. (((Blue)))

*Beth* · Mar 03, 2020, 03:54 PM

Well, I've been there (violent rage) about 500+ times. And I was arrested 2 times for it.

Personally, I don't think it's any big mystery...I believe that the ferocious anger you've described is due to brain chemistry and needs to be dealt with as such.

Now that you're home have you taken a prn?

I commend you for posting to us. It's a great way to reach out, blue.

Fuzzybear · Mar 03, 2020, 04:06 PM

(((((((( Blue )))))))))

Mar 03, 2020, 06:00 PM

Thanks. I'm gonna take enough klonopin to sedate me so that I can go to bed, even though it's only 6pm. I feel like I am going to destroy my entire apartment if I don't do something about it. I've already kicked and thrown more things.

Victoria'smom · Mar 03, 2020, 08:54 PM

How are you now? Hope you're feeling better.

Wild Coyote · 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Thanks. I'm gonna take enough klonopin to sedate me so that I can go to bed, even though it's only 6pm. I feel like I am going to destroy my entire apartment if I don't do something about it. I've already kicked and thrown more things.

I wish you were not alone tonight, Blue.

Even though klonopin can be sedating, it can also cause agitation, so please be very careful. By the way, I mean some find it agitating, maybe you do not.

I know you do not like me to mention the ER. I have to mention it. It might be the only place you can get what you need until you can get through to your pdoc.

You need help, Hon. Asap.

Can you call out today? You've got to think of ways to preserve your job.
This is why my ex still has a good job: we pulled him from work when he was agitated, etc.

I feel for you, blue. Please be very careful. Stop and think about whatever you are doing, BEFORE you do it!

Much Love to you, Blue

Mar 04, 2020, 06:43 AM

No, I do not feel better. In fact, I feel even more pissed off.

I am going to work from home today -- although I don't know how that is going to work. I am too pissed to do anything.

I left a voicemail for my therapist asking if she had any sooner appts, but I doubt she has any. At least Friday isn't too far away.

I am trying really, really, REALLY hard not to lash out on anybody. I am pissed off to the point I need to isolate myself to prevent myself from hurting others and myself. I told this to my therapist in voicemail.