Beth's Keeping Track Post

Sincerely promised M. I'd try the light box twice/day for a week and see how I feel. So I'm doing that.

I'm not sure about the 25mg Pristiq increase. I feel so on edge and have scary intrusive thoughts. Who knows whether the Pristiq increase has any effect, or not.

Could be the rough night, but I'm feeling that damned November edginess and fear. When this happens I feel like I want a massive dose of Haldol or Thorazine, stick me in a 1950's "mental hospital", let me roll up in a ball on a bed, and just let me sleep through until February, when the flowers come out.

I'm thinking I'll increase my Trilafon by 2 mgs.

After a really rough last night, there is a slight possibility that I feel 1/8" better today. I attribute any possible improvement to the Pristiq and (maybe) Trilafon increases. It's been a few days now, so maybe..... fingers and toes crossed xx

If I could just have a peaceful and pleasant Thanksgiving I won't mind being alone and watching movies.

Maintaining. Promised Dr. W. I'd take 25mgs of Seroquel before bed for a month or 2. I am sleeping well. Of course, I'd like to sleep for 20 hours a day. But better that feeling than the dreadful depression and fear.

As it always seems to be the 25mgs of Seroquel works for a few nights, then kinda craps out. Tonight I'll take 12.5mgs and ZzzQuil. Hopefully that'll reset the system.

*I remain in pursuit of decent sleep*

Since Thursday, I haven't been overwhelmed with the depression/fear beast. I believe the Pristiq increase is helping. Also, the Trilafon is taking the edge off of paranoia.

Severe depression is staying away, so far. Later afternoon and into the night there's a higher degree of depression and anxiety and, though manageable, sleep is very welcomed when it comes.

25mg. Seroquel for the past 2 nights. Slept well.

So-so. More depression that I want to live with.

Suddenly felt odd this evening...dizzy, ears buzzing, strange feeling in my brain (similar to "zaps"). I'm considering that the Klonopin reduction may be affecting me. I certainly hope not. (Cutting down to 1.5mg instead of 2mg on Sundays and Thursdays.) Ah, benzos.....

Been taking 25mg. Seroquel and ZzzQuil to sleep. *sigh*

I hope you start feeling better soon.

Hope you feel better

Feel better Beth

Haven't been using the light box. I swear that thing is such a useless joke, at least for me. All it does is irritate my already dry as fu*k eyes.


The K-pin withdrawal is going...well? I've had 2 not pleasant times when I had brain zaps and an unsteady sensation, but I'm not necessarily attributing those to the benzo w/d. Although, I'm definitely not doing the w/d any faster than I am now. (1/2mg reduction Sunday p.m., 1/2 Thursday p.m.)

I've had such depression and mild mixed this fall, so much SI. I thought it over and decided to drop my Lamictal by 25mg. to hopefully bring in a bit of hypomania.


So I'm at 220mg. Interestingly - and rather disturbingly - after a few days of the reduction I stopped having SI. The thoughts just don't stick. Now I'm planning to drop down to the original 200mg. See how it goes. My irritability is somewhat higher, but I believe I need to use some therapy methods to deal with that.

I have some time to play around a bit, because my pdoc is out for 3 weeks.

So far, so good on the Lamictal decrease. It seems that (for now, anyway) 200mg is a good dose. The only uncomfortable sensation I have is that my legs feel shaky, not strong. From past experience, I suspect it's the Klonopin reduction that causes that symptom.

I'm still experiencing a degree of depression, but I believe it's more situational than biochemical. I'm quite happy staying in my apartment most of the time, but sheesh...almost 10 months of seclusion gets to me sometimes. Just a stroll around a store besides the grocery - and not having to wear a mask while doing so - would lift my spirits. A friend's father died on Christmas Eve; I would like to show her my support by attending his funeral service but, because of covid of course, I cannot.

I had a dream that I was conversing with Jack Kerouac. He was holding a small, furry Siamese cat. It was a wonderful dream.

It appears that possibly, my neighbors are moving. I hope they are. They're my only unfriendly neighbors, I get tired of saying Hi to a stone face.

Ending 2020 on

200mg. Lamictal
18mg. Trilafon
100mg. Pristiq
200mg. Amantadine
2mg. Klonopin (except for the "withdrawal" days when I do 1.5mg.)

...and doing some great work with therapy.

Forgot...
25mg. Seroquel and ZzzQuil at bedtime.
Sometimes 12.5mg. Seroquel, but that doesn't work for more than 1 night at a time.

The ZzzQuil is a problem. I don't want to keep taking it, but can't fall asleep if I don't.
Going to try melatonin 1 of these nights, but it hasn't ever done much for me.

I'm sending hugs and love

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear I'm sending hugs and love

Thank you so much, Fuzzy. Your support is very meaningful to me.

Thinking of you

Too sleepy and zoned out. All the time. I don't feel that I am myself. Somehow I have to address this with Dr. W. I keep losing my assertiveness with her - partly because of doing online appointments. I'm still finding that difficult.

I don't care any more that they judge me (irl).... frankly they are such morons that their opinions are completely worthless..

Now if they would generously give me 5 minutes of their time..

Maybe I would be able to dazzle them with my social skills (sorry about the sarcasm... they are just so BORING over here and I do not think I ''should'' deny MY truth, that would be being a ''victim''_

It's hard to be assertive when they do not or cannot listen, for whatever reason. You have my empathy

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear I don't care any more that they judge me (irl).... frankly they are such morons that their opinions are completely worthless.. Now if they would generously give me 5 minutes of their time.. Maybe I would be able to dazzle them with my social skills (sorry about the sarcasm... they are just so BORING over here and I do not think I ''should'' deny MY truth, that would be being a ''victim''_ It's hard to be assertive when they do not or cannot listen, for whatever reason. You have my empathy

Thank you, dear Fuzzy. And you have my empathy, too.

Have you lost your assertiveness with your t too or just pdoc? Maybe your T could help with some tips or communicate directly with your pdoc?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien Have you lost your assertiveness with your t too or just pdoc? Maybe your T could help with some tips or communicate directly with your pdoc?

Good question, Sapien. I haven't been remarkably assertive with my therapist, either. Not like I was prior to telehealth. It's so difficult to communicate with them when I cannot use my entire body. In many ways it's easier to communicate by typing than by being on camera from neck up.

My T and my pdoc work together, so my T is aware of the reputation my pdoc has in the clinic for being a somewhat scary person. I'm not displeased with my pdoc, though...I just wish I could communicate more effectively with her. Actually, discussing it more serious with my T is a really good idea. Thank you!

I'm fed up with:
blurred vision, sleepiness, lack of motivation, my eyelids feeling heavy and irritated, overheating/sweating.

Since I can't stop my Lamictal and I'm on just 200mg., and I can't stop my Pristiq, and I seem stuck with Seroquel (small amount) for sleep, I'm cutting way back on the Trilafon (AP). That way, I can also cut back on the Amantadine (for tremor). I've decreased quite a lot for 2 nights and haven't felt any negative effects. I have to figure out where I'm at with dosage; I don't even know.

Without sacrificing the holistic quality of my mental health, I absolutely cannot stand putting up with all these side effects anymore.

I actually felt substantially better today. As in, alive and functioning. Alert. I'm thinking that perhaps I can decrease the Trilafon down to where I started, 2mg. Or maybe 4, max. I have a pdoc appointment on Tuesday, so I'll run all this by her.

Trilafon - 2mg. last night, 2mg. this morning and I feel better than I have in a long time. I have energy, not falling asleep as much and can enjoy things, like music, again. I have thoughts and feelings.


The next one to go is the nighttime Seroquel. Melatonin or ZzzQuil has been more helpful.

But first I have to throw away this dorky, flat little wooden angel I still have hanging up from the holidays.

WE finally took down the trees and put the decorations away. Hubby did a lot of owrk cutting off the lights from the smaller tree. they were broken would not light any more so we will get new lights next year.WE looked for a small tree and could not find any.

congratulations about decreasing the AP....watch for rebound hypomania. I got very psychotic discontinuing geodon in april of last year. Although I was in patient at the time and needed a med change. haldol is now my AP 5mg twice a day. occasionally I take a zyprexa 10mg disolvable at night if I can't sleep. Only then do I take requip for restless legs from the zyprexa. I have a good PDOC she is a nurse practitioner, we have only face time with each other for a few months now.
It is good that you feel better!
again be mindful of some potential hypomania...which can quickly switch to mania.
bizi