Homicidal thoughts that scare me. Anyone else?

Edit; I realized after reading everyone's responses ibshould have included that I am fine right now, I'm in a safe place mentally and physically. I'm just thinking over this issue that has always been there and working up the strength to talk to my healthcare team. Thanks so much everyone!
---
What causes homicidal thoughts? Why do I have them? Is it something that other people have?

I haven't ever talked about it with any of my therapists or pdocs. It is just so completely opposite of my personality, it seems unbelievable! I'm calm and always try to be kind and compassionate. I never display any anger or aggression. My friends and family would probably describe me as a gentle and loving person.

Whenever I have tried to hint at some of my disturbing thoughts to see if someone could help me I get the response "I'm sure you're thoughts aren't anything terrible, you are just such a kind sensitive person so you are probably just not able to handle feeling a little angry.. But it's totally normal to feel angry, so don't worry about it." End of conversation.

So how could it possibly be that inside the same head as that person that everyone loves, is some kind of monster thinking up really really horrible things? I never have acted on them and i obviously never want to! But still the thoughts are there! They have always been.

I know I should talk with my therapist and doctors about this but I'm afraid to. And I have lived most of my 38 years having these thoughts so is there any point bringing it up now??

You should definitely bring this up with your therapist. I have also had homicidal thoughts despite being a gentle and compassionate person. Processing with someone who was trained proved incredibly helpful, beyond what I expected.

Anti psychotics help the thoughts calm down. However you have to be honest. My ex T use to say it's about intent. I'd tell her what was going on. This T I say I'm having odd thoughts when they're bothering me. She knows I formerly have homicidal thoughts. usually I turn them in on myself. I haven't had them in a while.

Hi isurvive, how are things tonight? Do you feel like you are in control of your behavior?

As I ask these types of questions, it dawns on me that these are the types of questions you'd rather not have asked. I say this because these thoughts have been a chronic constant for you. I think you are saying there is no acute issue today/tonight, it's more long-term.?

I agree with my friend: you should try passing this by your therapist/your doctors.

you say you are afraid to do so. What are you afraid might happen if you tell them?

This is obviously bothering you. So why not work on resolving this?
I dare say most therapists/doctors have some experience with this very same issue..

It's truly not a rare "condition."

I hope you will be able to overcome your fear and bring this topic up with your providers.

I think it's wonderful you are reaching out on this!

I wish you the best!
Much Love

I think if the homicidal thoughts are really distressing that you should definitely bring them up to your therapist. Though I can't know exactly how your therapist will react, I would think that many therapists have heard clients talk about such thoughts before. I honestly believe that most of us have, at one point or another, had similar thoughts, at least to a very small degree. The very vast majority of us never have any intensions of acting on them. I certainly have had such thoughts in the past, but didn't plan to act on them. They were mostly quite fleeting, or if my mind dwelled so far as to a planning, it was more akin to a dysfunctional daydreaming that was an extremely unhealthy form of "self medication" or "self soothing". Does that make any sense?

I can't know why you have such thoughts, but in my past cases, they have been born from great distress and frustration. I consider myself to be a very loving type person, too. When I have felt someone (or something) was so intensely viscous or harmful to others and/or myself, I've wished the pain and abuse to stop. Yes, anger is mostly also involved, but sometimes anger and pain/distress go together. I truly also see a clear link between suicidal thoughts and homicidal thoughts, in many ways, but I'm sure some who have only experienced (or mostly) the former may not fully agree or understand.

If you believe you may even possibly act on homicidal thoughts, you must must must tell a doctor or therapist immediately, or go to an ER (or call 911). What they will surely assume is that distress or extreme mental illness is involved.

Once I wrote a blog post that I called "Hating is not fair". That post was not about the "hating" of the people who commit crimes, but of the hatred from others towards a person that does commit crimes, or other horrible offenses (for one reason or another). Believe me that it was a controversial post! [I'm not afraid to write such things, sometimes.] The post was about love and/or understanding, which sometimes also means forgiveness. What I'm saying is that I assume you are hurting, and want you to find a healthy form of relief.

Thank you so much everyone for your responses! I really appreciate it!

I am in a safe place mentally and physically and I'm not thinking of acting on any of these thoughts. I'm actually not having those thoughts right now but do off and on and have for my whole life.

It's always felt shameful to me to think the way I do. I guess because my thoughts seem morally repugnant. I do really want help getting rid of them though! And I have to talk about them to get that help. So this is my practice to get brave enough to say it to my therapist I guess.

Thanks again! I'll update later in the week after I see my therapist.. Well as long as I don't go inpatient again... It almost happened last week. In which case I'll update in a week or two...

Thanks so much! Yes I'm in a safe place mentally and physically tonight.

I hope sharing with a member of your team of provider proves truly helpful to you. I'm looking forward to reading an update.

My best

My therapist said it's not really that unusual. She said that I shouldn't really worry about the occasional thoughts that have popped in my head recently, that it doesn't mean I'm going to end up having them all the time like when I was younger. And to just stay aware of how I'm feeling and if things change to where I have any specific thoughts towards someone to go to the ED and get evaluated. So that's a releif! I guess I've been worried about this all my life for no reason.

I am grateful you are relieved!

It's also great you have a plan to stay safe should you need one.

Perfect!