My little post of all my ****ed upedness so I don't spam the board!

I'll take it when H goes to bed.

So my headphones ran out of power so they are charging. The music isn't loud enough! I hate hearing no all day, being bored, and annoying everyone.

So my mood hasn't dropped, yay! I have an important call concerning miguel's college. Hopefully I can focus and talk sense The way we want him to do school will save him $558.750-$1117.50 + books but the college wants him not to do it that way. They want him to take more classes a semester. I really don't want to state that he has disabilities to the adviser. They already love him and I don't want her opinion of him to change. They don't realize how damn hard he has worked up to now. I think the reason he changed his mind is fear of change. He likes his treatment team. He knows the staff of the school. He doesn't want to leave his friends. He knows he can keep his GPA good here. Not that it's not a challenging school. It's just a less direct route to his goal. He will need the support of the school to get what he wants.

So I found what I'm going to be asking to switch back to Zyprexa generic if and when I have to leave the state. I know it works for me yes it has it's side effects (sleepiness and high colesterol) but I can deal with those on a short term bases. It's on walmart's list. So I'm glad I figured that out.

So just took the ambien. Going to bed see you guys soon. Lots of hugs. Thanks for putting up with my ****.

I'm awake, slept about 6 hours.

I feel much better knowing my options as far as APs. H and I talked a long time because he thinks there's alternative motive. He didn't say what they were. I told him that the end goal is to get off medication later down the road.

I feel like I'm annoying people and not adding anything. The adviser never called :'( We're trying our best to get everything in because classes start in a little over a month.

Why did you take the ambien so late? That can really mess with your sleep cycles and mix up day and night and potentially really mix up your body. I'm worried about you...

I took it when H went to bed. To make sure if I only slept 3 hrs or something I'm not up alone. My son gets up at 9 am. I'm usually up with him. tomorrow (skip tonight/ melitonin tonight) I'm taking it around 2 am. or earlier, if H goes to bed earlier. I do not like being alone when time is slow. I'm more likely to do something stupid or dangerous.

Is it hypo mania? mania? or mixed? I haven't done anything ridiculous yet I. keeping to myself.

I'm not annoyed I don't have answers though

YOu just sound really anxious right now. But if you get your sleep cylce too badly messed with (taking melatonin near sun-up definitely will mess with your brain since your brain produces melatonin at night) you'll go somewhere not good. You need to do whatever you can to be able to feel safe enough to sleep alone and be alone part of the day. Why are you so worried about being alone? I think you've said you don't feel you are a danger to yourself. Am I remembering wrong? (This is possible; stay-at-home is messing with my memory).

Thank-you fuzzy bear I worry that I'm being annoying. I have to pretend soon because my mom is coming over.

You choose to pretend. The belief you have to is part of what causes problems.

Are your thoughts racing? Are you having trouble completing tasks or focusing your thoughts? Do you feel impulsive?

I can't say that you sound manic. I agree with BeyondtheRainbow that you do sound anxious though.

Why are you so worried about being alone? Then there's the fact I can shop online and destroy our lives, drinking alone for me isn't safe. And who knows what other Ideas I will get. Last night I wanted to walk to walmart 2 miles alone in the dark when I physically can hardly walk to the car.

I don't want to worry my parents. I can't hear my thoughts because the music is blaring to loud. I want to do impulsive behaviors but H keeps telling me no. I can't concentrate. so all I'm doing is typing on PC.

My mom was just here. It went well. I was already standing and just kept busy.

Listening to two songs at once is so much better!!!

First, you are not annoying at all. Next- I give you credit for knowing your limitations. Third, I thought I was the only one to listen to 2 songs at once

Beth

Not annoying; I'm just worried about you. You seem so anxious and it sounds like the only solution to the anxiety is to be with someone which is not easily done. Do you think you are feeling this because you are anxious or because you are having a mood episode?

Either way I think your therapist and/or pdoc need to know about the anxiety and fears you are having because they are disrupting your life. When I go to my pdoc I have to do a computer assessment thing that asks a bunch of questions about symptoms and then how much they are affecting your life. In your case it sounds like the severity may be worse than you'd rate the symptoms. I've had that happen before and it is disconcerting for sure. But whatever the cause you need to feel better.

My dad's pissing me off! We told them Miguel is turning down the state university to go to the local college BECAUSE M told everyone he was going to the university. All my dad had to say was negative and how he's turning his back on an opportunity that he'll always regret, job prospects will suck, he's smarter then that....but it's his choice. I'm damn proud he's continuing college. He has choose debt free and (I have a feeling) he put his health first. It really bothers me. I didn't say anything, never do but dude he's going to college. That's a huge deal especially for him. I don't know what I expected they don't get along great with him they've always been critical of him. It just saddens me he is treated so different then the other grand kids.

BeyondtheRainbow- I don't feel anxious. I'm actually less anxious then normal. I feel like I took a kolodipin anxiety wise. I can't stop shaking my leg though. I can't even label this enough to tell them what's going on. Here are my notes to T so far
NVM to personal

I want to say some of this is my normal and things that I wouldn't say in person so I'm going to say them over the phone. It's the not normal stuff that makes me wonder if I'm "UP". I am safe and H knows this.

Forgot to add that I want to talk to T and figure this out before talking to pdoc. So I'll talk to T Thursday and if need be talk to pdoc next Monday. Unless T thinks it's an emergency and has one of there pdoc call me. The good thing is I'm not psychotic and but I keep thinking H is on the phone with my T but he doesn't even know her full name.