Bipolar check-in #46

Its supposed to S N O W here tomorrow!! What the.....??

I haven't been on here since before my last hospitalization. Recovery is an intensely slow climb this time, probably because my partner left me due to some things I did when I was manic. I depended on him a lot and it's way different to attempt this by myself. At least I have my parents which has been a huge help, I'm very thankful for them. I'm coming back here for support, especially because things are going so slow this time around. I'm hoping to find the sense of community I've gotten before from this place.

I'm feeling anxious and numb at the same time. It's a weird feeling. It seems like my life might return to normal with my job and all in late August or September. Too damn long. I'm keeping busy, staying social, working part time where I can. So I'm not in a bad place. But I can't go to the gym or do other stuff I enjoy and I miss the usual people I talk to face to face. I'm even missing some of my co-workers who do not exactly have good work ethic. Staying positive is tough.

My employer has benefits with a counselling service, so I'm taking them up on that.

I wish I could take a bus or train to a small town and come back when everything is normal.

Welcome back unicorn lady.

Good ta meet cha bad news

My sister and her husband just called me from their walk in CA where its 100 degrees. She wanted to prove to her husband that she isnt crazy singing "I want a horse my very own horse can't wait to see it!" So she asked me if I was familiar with such and such record and would I sing the song about the horse. So I did. All at 1030 at night!

@BadNews4321 I, too, wish I could go to a small (immune) town until this was all over!

I just want to rant.
But what's the point
Do I really think I'll find an epiphany this late in the game? Perhaps.. but doubtful.

I'm ok, but dont know where to post.

As always hope others are doing well.

Welcome back! I am glad you have your parents to support you. My parents are also incredibly supportive so I know how important this is. We are also here for you as best we can. Post as much as you need or want.

I spent more money Hopefully I stop soon.

Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is still consuming my life. My Rheumatologist prescribed me Tapentadol, an opioid, as nothing else was touching my sometimes severe pain. Took my first dose today. It seems to be helping. He also wants me to start probiotics again. They are expensive but he insists they may help my fatigue as they apparently work to help the health of the mitochondria in each cell(the part that is the energy powerhouse of each cell). I will start tonight. At 0.80c a day they better help. Oh well, two more tablets to add to the pile of meds and supplements.

Mentally I am generally peaceful which is great. However, regularly throughout the day I am bombarded with memories of decades of suffering. It is not distressing but it does fill me with grief. It also makes me realise just how mentally unwell I was. It is shocking. I always downplayed how ill I was but even my T agrees I have been on the severe end of the scale. It has also occurred to me that I was psychotic more often than I realised. Since I started taking Ziprasidone(Geodon) in February last year all my bipolar symptoms have vanished. It is like I was living under thick cloud cover for decades and now it is sunny skies. Everything always felt a little ominous and off. Now I am so, sooooooo grateful for the sunny skies.

Even though my physical health is very poor right now having peace of mind is a gift. I am so thankful. I had been thinking of starting to come off my meds (Ziprasidone and Lithium) but my T helped me see that now is not the time. He also thinks I may need to be on Ziprasidone for life as I responded so well to it. One day I can test that theory and jump back on if I need it, but for now I will keep things as they are except for slowly reducing my Benzo dose. I have been on high dose benzodiazepines for ten years so it is going to be a long journey to get off them.

Hope you are all managing ok during this pandemic. Hugs to those who need them.

I am so sorry, childofchaos. I hope your day got better.

I must push back on the bit about not wanting others to know how "sick" you are feeling right now. That can't be how you make your critical healthcare decisions. If you cannot deal with them right now, I totally get that. Don't deal with them, then.


But I would absolutely not permit concern about the thoughts and feelings of others to guide your own personal care at this moment.

FWIW.


Hugs and strength!!!!!!!!!!1

You are such an awesome chef!!! It will be a huge relief when this cleaning fest is over. Hopefully, that will be soon!

What was that guitar--do you mind my asking? Sorry, if I am being pushy. Just curious.

Sometimes, we just have to take the wins and not question them too much...

Well, you took one for the team. Good job. Let's hope you aren't an asymptomatic carrier. I've been sick for three months and cannot get a test as I have had no fever yet.


Weird how it differs from state to state.

Sposed to be 96 here Saturday.

Hey, unicornlady--we are here for you!! Hang in there. It will turn around. It always does. Just stay with it.

Hugs and love!!!!!!!!!!

Welp, second consecutive night of no sleep. Got three hours late yest. morning, so, a little. Obviously, hypo. So weird. We reduced my Abilify from 25 to 10 and I think that is probably why, but we will just have to see.

So very worried about the health of my nation. All these places opening up is just going to cause fire after fire. Very shortsighted approach, in my opinion. So worried about people.

Folks who don't know what ARDS is just do not get what a horrific illness and death it is. Pure misery. Not being able to breathe is just beyond hideous. When you cannot oxygenate anymore, well, you really can't do much of anything, can you.

Hugs and love to all!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Hi bpcyclist. It's a 1955 C. F. Martin model # 00-18G. As a little little girl, I would sit on his (Pop Pop's) foot stool as he played. He also played trombone in a jazz band.

It's 6:45 am at this time. Yesterday, his colleague who works in his department told him that all employees will hear about their jobs at 8:30 am today via email. That info came from the colleague's mother who also works at their company, but in IT. We'll see. Either way it is supposed to be today that employees find out. The anxiety is extreme! Honestly, I am surprised that I have held up so well. If my husband is laid off, the rush to make big plans begins, whatever they might be. If he is laid off, I will switch to having my Medicare be primary health insurance and add parts B, D, and supplemental.

yeah, supposedly it's gonna snow here today too, but later tonight. how awful. I wonder if we have the same storm system...?

at least snow doesn't stick on the pavement this time of year. that's usually the biggest concern for me.

Probably the same- or you get stuff a day or so later than we do. You got that right! The snow won't stick to the pavement. I don't remember it snowing this late - its supposed to be 65 and sunny.

Wishing you the very best with this BirdDancer. You have a beautiful creative spirit and I know you and your husband will be able to find stable ground again either way.

Its 7:40 am here. Ive been up a little more than two hours. Drinking coffee. Feels good! Maybe I should have some cereal for breakfast. Im listening to the radio - just finished a Tim Hortons coffee. Reminds me of my Canadian grandmother. She would get up early every morning and sit in the kitchen alone with the kitchen door closed, drinking coffee and listening to CBC radio. I don't have a nice house like she did but I do have my recliner and radio next to it.

feel like crying today because of all the nightmares. no self harm nightmares but nightmares about being schizophrenic (i definitely am not), hearing things, seeing things in my room and in the house that i think were just part of my dreams because i've never had a problem before. i was trying to scream and cry but i couldn't. i couldn't wake up my boyfriend either even though i was trying to. i asked him this morning if i had talked to him and he said no. so he didn't hear me when i was trying to get his attention, i must just have been sleeping. awful.

it looks like my moods are based on the sleep of the night before. no bad dreams equals ok mood, bad dreams equals terrible mood. sucks.

EDIT: starting IOP on Monday. Dr is prescribing minipress for nightmares seeing how they are so connected to my moods. No other med changes right now.

Finally I'm headed out for ECT this morning.