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  #201  
Old May 07, 2020, 09:02 AM
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wildflowerchild25 wildflowerchild25 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bpcyclist View Post
My pdoc is in the midst of semi-telling me I am going IP again if I do not turn around fairly speedily. I wonder if you might ought to consider doing that just for a little bit. ?? They will keep you safe and hopefully, could stabilize things for you. Just a thought.

I have been there too often, I really, really feel for you, wildflowerchild. Attempts can be really, really, really terrible. I have two. Awful. Please take care of yourself. Please consider the hospital. For me, the truth is, when I need it, I am more than willing to go. More than willing. There is support there, usually.

Hugs and strength and peace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tbh I probably would have already gone to the hospital if it weren’t for covid. I just know I would be miserable and worried in there though because I wouldn’t be able to have visitors and I would be worried about getting sick. Plus I don’t want my extended family (mom, grandma, brother) to know how bad I’m doing. They have no idea that I’m even sick at all right now. But if I have to I will. I’m not quite as desperate today because I didn’t have graphic dreams.
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
-Albus Dumbledore

That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it
f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have.
-Garden State
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  #202  
Old May 07, 2020, 09:04 AM
Anonymous45023
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
Yesterday was rough.

Possible trigger:


I did not do either of those things, thankfully. I don’t know what I’ll do today. Just try to stay in bed again. I finally got some good sleep. Just a couple of bad dreams. Self harm dream was just about instruments, no graphic images.

Today I am not as desperate so far but I still want to do those things. I’m hurting so bad. I know it’s just depression. I don’t have any reason to go through with anything.

My therapist told me to call my local PHP/IOP which is still running virtually. I did and I have an intake on Friday. I don’t know what else to do besides go to the hospital. I’m so desperate. But I don’t want to do that because of covid. So I’m just trying to hold on until I get some new medication or the lamictal starts to work.

Hugs to everyone!
I'm SOOOO glad you didn't harm yourself yesterday, wild! Please take care. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. It is good that you recognize that the depression is talking. Tell it to stfu. No, really, it's like there are two little voices, yeah? The one that's trying to drag you down, and the voice of reason, the one that recognizes "this is the depression talking, it lies ". They "talk" back and forth (in my head anyway, do you know what I mean?) It's like this: and trying to really build up the voice of reason. The one that's calling out that ol' liar, depression.

Good on you for reaching out. You're in my thoughts.
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  #203  
Old May 07, 2020, 09:36 AM
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Daonnachd Daonnachd is offline
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Happy birthday, blue.

A'best to you, wildflower.

For myself I wish I could sleep all day.
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  #204  
Old May 07, 2020, 10:07 AM
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Scooter9 Scooter9 is offline
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Happy birthday @bluebicycle
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* Dx: Bipolar II (finally, after years at Bipolar NOS)
* Rx: minimal dose of Lamictal

My avatar picture is a photo of the Whirlpool Galaxy I took in April 2023. I dedicated this photo to my sister who passed away in July 2016.
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  #205  
Old May 07, 2020, 12:17 PM
Anonymous35014
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Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone.

I am so exhausted that I gave up and asked my boss if I could take half a day of PTO. He actually said yes and not to worry about the customer for now! I said it was my birthday and wanted to have the rest of the day to myself. Now I'm just browsing some sites and buying some things with the digital gift cards I got as gifts.

One thing I bought so far was a Garmin GPS watch in a pretty blue color. It doesn't match the color of the bike I'll be getting (as it's orange), but it'll coincidentally match my pretty blue gloves I got yesterday. It also keeps track of heart rate like my old Fitbit.

Oh, and I got some stuff in the mail today gifted from me to me! I got the equivalent of under armour heat gear, but from a local company that makes them for a lot less money, so that's nice. They were on sale and I used a birthday coupon.
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  #206  
Old May 07, 2020, 12:21 PM
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Nammu Nammu is offline
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Happy birthday blue!
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…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
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  #207  
Old May 07, 2020, 12:47 PM
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Wild Coyote Wild Coyote is offline
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Sounds like you are having some fun!
You chose the Garmin! It's a great choice!

I hope the rest of your day proves to be as much, or more, fun for you!

Much Love ALways!
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  #208  
Old May 07, 2020, 12:50 PM
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Blue_Bird Blue_Bird is offline
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Happy birthday Bluebicycle!
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“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi


Diagnosis:
Schizoaffective disorder Bipolar type
PTSD
Social Anxiety Disorder
Anorexia Binge/Purge type
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  #209  
Old May 07, 2020, 01:00 PM
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Blue_Bird Blue_Bird is offline
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Haven't checked in here for a few days. I'm doing good, really, really good. One of my medications was increased a week ago and it is helping my mood tremendously. I feel happy and have little anxiety now.

Today I slept half the day though, so that's not good. I'm obviously not depressed so I'm not sure what happened. Anyway, I'm just enjoying my 2nd read through of the Lord of the Rings. Nothing else going on really. I'm trying to take more walks since the weather is really nice. The Xbox One I ordered will be here next week, so I'm super excited about that. In addition to games, I can also play not only DVDs but Blu ray discs as well which is amazing to me, since I've never had a Blu ray player before, now whenever the library opens back up I can check out movies that are available on Blu ray too in addition to the DVDs.

Have phone appointments with my therapist and psychiatrist next week. Will be nice to tell them how well I'm doing.

I hope everyone is doing okay
__________________
“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi


Diagnosis:
Schizoaffective disorder Bipolar type
PTSD
Social Anxiety Disorder
Anorexia Binge/Purge type
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  #210  
Old May 07, 2020, 02:49 PM
Anonymous46341
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I am so tired. I've been working my tail off on various projects at home. Only one more kitchen cabinet to line with new contact paper and that's DONE! It was a lot of work. I also sorted out clothes into various categories, including 1) donations, 2) to my closet, 3) consignment shop (when they open again), and 4) trash can. I put the winter stuff I'll keep away and pulled the spring/summer stuff out.

Today Taste Of Home (a cookbook and online recipe outfit) said I won runner-up in a contest. They didn't even say which recipe won. Frankly, I forget what I even submitted. I have submitted many in the past. Unfortunately, the runner-ups only get a free cookbook. I sure wish I'd win a cash prize someday. I have won runner-up for a different recipe in the past. So, two free cookbooks. The other one is collecting dust in my basement.

Both vintage guitar dealers I contacted yesterday responded to me. One even said he'd buy it, and I wrote to him that I'd seen the same guitar sold for over $2,500, but that had the guitar case, too. Mine doesn't. The other dealer, in Philadelphia, wrote that he'd look forward to seeing it when they're open again, and I'm in town. I might just bring the email from the other dealer so that they can see I already have some form of offer. I'll also bring a printout of the one I saw sold online.
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  #211  
Old May 07, 2020, 02:52 PM
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Sunflower123 Sunflower123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
Today is my birthday. I wish I could take a day off work, but I can't because I have to get something done. I cannot negotiate this because the work I'm doing is a customer request, not a managerial request, so I didn't even bother asking.

Oh well. At least I can look forward to the weekend and "celebrate" then.

I wish I could've slept in considering I went to bed at 1am, but alas... I have a meeting at 7am and had to start working at 5am. Great way to start your birthday... bright 'n early. lol.
Happy birthday!!!
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  #212  
Old May 07, 2020, 03:28 PM
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BeyondtheRainbow BeyondtheRainbow is offline
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Happy Birthday Blue!
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD.
Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily
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  #213  
Old May 07, 2020, 03:37 PM
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Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
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Happy Birthday blue!
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  #214  
Old May 07, 2020, 03:38 PM
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Moose72 Moose72 is offline
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Happy birthday @bluebicycle ! How many is this this year- 26?
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  #215  
Old May 07, 2020, 03:43 PM
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wildflowerchild25 wildflowerchild25 is offline
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Aaaand...today I’m fine. Energy, happiness, etc. I cleaned everything top to bottom. I tried to vacuum but I think it’s clogged so I have to wait for RS to get home. Ate waaaay too much today. Boredom. I was reading a book which I haven’t been able to do at all for weeks, and I was reading reddit.

I don’t like how quickly it switched though...doesn’t seem sustainable. Bc this happened last week as well. I started feeling ok Friday and by Saturday I was totally fine. So I am keeping my IOP appt tomorrow, but I am more confident that I can do evening IOP instead of php so I don’t have to miss work, even though work is tortuous. But that’s only because remote learning is so hard for the students and I don’t have the right books so I can’t help. I can help with 4th grade reading and that’s it. We have second, third, and fourth grade at different times.

I hope the depression is over thanks to lamictal but honestly I’m feeling a little TOO happy, if you know what I mean so I’m hoping the haldol will chill me out while the lamictal kicks depression’s ***.

I’m trying desperately not to go buy a pack of cigarettes because I KNOW I will just get addicted again. I already started vaping again but I’m pretty sure my state just banned even menthol flavor so I’m SOL on that one. I hate tobacco flavor. So I’m just going to have to quit nicotine. I’d rather do that than smoke.
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real?
-Albus Dumbledore

That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it
f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have.
-Garden State
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  #216  
Old May 07, 2020, 03:47 PM
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Moose72 Moose72 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by childofchaos831 View Post
Had to go to the ER this morning because of a stupid decision.
Possible trigger:
So now, we have to go to IOP, having done both of those again, and having su thoughts. There is no way we are walking out of there and going home. We are going to end up at the hospital today.
I am thinking of you! If you think you need the hospital maybe you should ask your pdoc to set you up for that.
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Vraylar 3 mg
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  #217  
Old May 07, 2020, 05:41 PM
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~Christina ~Christina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer View Post
I contacted a vintage guitar center in Philadelphia and a guitar outlet not far from me about them appraising and possibly buying my grandfather's guitar. It is a bit sad the thought of selling it, since it's the only thing I have from him, but I just don't have much of major value to sell. I don't play guitar, and have no wish to.

Most everything of value that we could sell (besides our cars and house, which are both hubby's and mine) belongs to my husband. Yes, hubby always says it's "ours", but I still feel that stuff is his. I feel guilty that he might need to sell more belongings than me to create a nest egg for the future. I do feel guilty that we are in the position we are in because of my disability. Yes, I know it's not my fault. Hubby would never blame me, but...I still feel guilty.

A while back, I sold some gold rings to a jewelry shop. I didn't get that much. Not even enough for a big grocery shopping trip. I even asked for an appraisal for my mother's engagement ring that my dad gave me. They offered so little that I couldn't sell it...as a matter of principle.

I don't have major nostalgia and attachment for/to stuff. Far less than my husband has for some of his stuff, but I understand how/why he has it. That's why I wish I had more valuable stuff of my own to sell, so he wouldn't have to sell any of his.
Years ago while waiting on ssdi and my husband had been hurt at work and had to have Bilateral shoulder surgery.. I had to sell some jewlery and There was a few pieces that was from Grandmother and Parents. I just could not sell them... I think there are somethings that are just not disposible no matter how much money you have to scrape together...

I hope there is no rushed need to pack and leave right away. Hopefully your Husband will still have a job. and then you both can start picking ad choosing items to get rid of as it would just makes sense since a move out of the country is in your future at some point.
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  #218  
Old May 07, 2020, 05:50 PM
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~Christina ~Christina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 View Post
Yesterday was rough.

Possible trigger:


I did not do either of those things, thankfully. I don’t know what I’ll do today. Just try to stay in bed again. I finally got some good sleep. Just a couple of bad dreams. Self harm dream was just about instruments, no graphic images.

Today I am not as desperate so far but I still want to do those things. I’m hurting so bad. I know it’s just depression. I don’t have any reason to go through with anything.

My therapist told me to call my local PHP/IOP which is still running virtually. I did and I have an intake on Friday. I don’t know what else to do besides go to the hospital. I’m so desperate. But I don’t want to do that because of covid. So I’m just trying to hold on until I get some new medication or the lamictal starts to work.

Hugs to everyone!
IM very glad that you were able to stay safe. I think IOP would really help you right now , altho its not in person. But a steady much needed support system you can lean on..

Stay safe
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  #219  
Old May 07, 2020, 05:53 PM
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~Christina ~Christina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by childofchaos831 View Post
Had to go to the ER this morning because of a stupid decision.
Possible trigger:
So now, we have to go to IOP, having done both of those again, and having su thoughts. There is no way we are walking out of there and going home. We are going to end up at the hospital today.

Im so sorry that you self harmed Yes right now you need extra help
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  #220  
Old May 07, 2020, 06:03 PM
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~Christina ~Christina is offline
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Happy Birthday Blue Glad you took half day off !!!
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  #221  
Old May 07, 2020, 06:16 PM
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Moose72 Moose72 is offline
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My sleep is all messed up. Ive been staying up later because I've been sleeping too much during the day, and Ive been napping because I only get 3 or 4 hours at night. (Due to having to take N3 to work by 6.) So that means that today I was up at 5 after getting to sleep around 2:30. Then N3 tells me he isnt scheduled until 7 so I get in bed for another hour. When I got home from taking him, I was awake but not "wide awake" so I laid down again whereupon I slept 5 more hours.... Seeing a pattern here? Then I got a coffee at 3 p.m. Like I said- I'm all topsy-turvey!
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  #222  
Old May 07, 2020, 06:30 PM
Anonymous35014
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Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes again

Moose -- close, but I'm 29 now. Time flies.
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  #223  
Old May 07, 2020, 06:47 PM
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Moose72 Moose72 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes again

Moose -- close, but I'm 29 now. Time flies.
Just wait for time flying even more- Im 48 and N3 was born when I was 29! I can remember his birth perfectly.
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Propranolol 40 mg Benztropine 1 mg
Vraylar 3 mg
Gabapentin 300 mg
Klonopin 1 mg 2x daily
Mania Sept/Oct 2024
Mania (July/August 2024)
Mania (December 2023)
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Depression, Anxiety and Intrusive thoughts (September 2021)
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  #224  
Old May 07, 2020, 07:00 PM
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Daonnachd Daonnachd is offline
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I went to the hospital two counties over (where I get ECT) to get the COVID test done before the ECT. So I walk in, they sit me down, shove a long cotton swab up my nose (both sides), and I'm free to go.

By the way, I don't recommend getting that test done if you're not already showing symptoms. It's not something you'd do for grins and giggles. Obviously, if your primary says you need to do it then you should follow professional recommendations.
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  #225  
Old May 07, 2020, 07:22 PM
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Nammu Nammu is offline
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Yeah mum had to have the test cause she was sick and wanted to see a doctor but they wouldn't let her come in until she tested negative. But we were able to go though a drive though right here in town. It didn't look fun.
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Nammu
…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
Desiderata Max Ehrmann



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