Bipolar check-in #46

that's great! I hope it helps! let us know how it goes.

Just had my therapy appointment. It went well. We discussed how I got a new bike and bike related things. We also discussed how my workplace was prepping to open up again, but that some janitors came in and had COVID-19, so now the whole place is infected for all we know and we won't open up for at least another month.

My day has been okay so far, but I have not been productive, which frustrates me. I've been super distracted by everything.

Anyway, against my personal wishes/desires, I am going to go to my parents' house tonight before it snows. Then I'm going to be there to celebrate Mother's Day and my birthday, even though my mom is bringing people into the house all the time like an idiot. She stopped doing it when I told her I wouldn't come over anymore if she didn't cut that sh_t out. There is no need to bring strangers into the house! She kept saying stuff like, "Oh, but John is 75 years old. He doesn't have coronavirus!" YEAH RIGHT.

Congrats! Let us know how it goes!

ECT went well. My blood pressure was below 100 for both numbers, lower than I can remember it being since starting ECT. The IV stick was quick and painless. My pdoc there at the hospital is first class. When I awoke in Recovery I had a very attentive nurse. Then, of course, I got my double espresso.

... And as soon as I got home I did the dishes.

It is such a breath of fresh air to have a young whipper snapper around for a month. It breathes new life into a place. I’ll be 53 Sunday. My brother is 57 and in very poor health and mom will be 85 next week. We do well but I do get caught up in the caregiving. My 21 year old daughter is like a ray of sunshine beaming through. A much needed visit. I’m peaceful and happy right now.

She has an internship near the mountains this summer and I’m going up there for a week to visit and hike my beloved trails. That will take the place of Florida this year. Just can’t do Florida...the elevators for one thing...just not safe.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

@Jennifer 1967: Early Happy Birthday (in case i forget!) I'm 53 also. My birthday is in August so for four months we will be the same age. Hope your day is wonderful! It's nice to hear that you are enjoying your daughter.

In my news i am taking it easy and relaxing. My self-abuse has lessened a great deal. I'm trying hard to count my blessings. They ARE there. Trying to be grateful.

Wow, my brain is really not functioning properly this afternoon. Could it be the ECT?

What's your brain doing exactly?

Oh, this was more of a joke than any concern really. I'm a little confused. I can't find words for the life of me. Looking in the overhead cupboard when I looked down at the counter I couldn't recall what I was doing, stuff like that. A split second and I'm lost. I know it's the aftereffects of the ECT and that it will get better with a couple of days.

I've got a headache and want to go to bed, but it's almost 6:30 and will likely be me making supper.

Sorry to hear that. I have definitely heard of people experiencing those symptoms after ECT, but it sounds like you're not as depressed, if at all?

I hope you feel better soon, but I am glad you were at least able to get the treatment you need and deserve.

Snow, snow, and more snow! When will it stop?! I thought it was summertime.

I went to Home Depot with my dad this morning to pick up some supplies for biking. For instance, I need a garden sprayer to hose down my bike after dirty rides since I do not have access to a hose.

I did get my bike yesterday though!! So excited!! I would ride if it weren't snowing or Mother's Day weekend. Guess there's always Monday?

Anyway, today, my family and I are celebrating my birthday since I was not with them on Thursday. We are having Indian food and funfetti cake for dinner. What a great mix. lol.

Sounds like it will be a great time. Have fun!

Thanks! I hope you have a great birthday yourself!

Thank you!

I've succumbed to depression. And searing anxiety. And soulless loneliness.

I'm at my breaking point.

It's mostly about this 'situation,' the politics, the isolation, that I'm stuck home, working (though with far less hours), I'm now told at least through the summer... I work in healthcare, I work at a hospital, I can only do part of my job through video. I'm heartbroken. I want to be there to fight the good fight. And to be with my co-workers who I miss so so much. I attend zoom staff meetings only to see them.

And my mother, who is very ill with MS, COPD, and others... Well, I can't see her. If I'm a carrier, I could kill her, she would never, ever survive this virus. She is talking vehemently about lowering her care-giver hours. She desperately needs her caregiver and I've offered to help financially.

She is also declining cognitively. She is forgetting more and getting more confused. I have chalked this up to anxiety because of the virus. But I was in a therapy session on Thursday and broke down crying about the possibility that this is not, or only in part, about anxiety related to the virus, but the beginnings of the steep cognitive decline of someone I may no longer recognize in I don't know how long. This tears me apart. I want her to get a full neurological evaluation, but I'm not sure it's the right time, for various reasons. Meanwhile, I mourn.

Last night I took 2 klonopin. No big deal, because I'm allowed to take 1-1.5. But I'm afraid it will get worse. I feel most lonely and awful in the evenings and taking klonopin and a lot of it, would shorten that pain and I'd fall into a deep sleep and skip that pain. Or some of it. The cravings are terrible.

So I need some support right now. All of us do right now.

I've just hit a new low.

Thank you for letting me share how I feel...

I've succumbed to depression. And searing anxiety. And soulless loneliness.

I'm at my breaking point.

It's mostly about this 'situation,' the politics, the isolation, that I'm stuck home, working (though with far less hours), I'm now told at least through the summer... I work in healthcare, I work at a hospital, I can only do part of my job through video. I'm heartbroken. I want to be there to fight the good fight. And to be with my co-workers who I miss so so much. I attend zoom staff meetings only to see them.

And my mother, who is very ill with MS, COPD, and others... Well, I can't see her. If I'm a carrier, I could kill her, she would never, ever survive this virus. She is talking vehemently about lowering her care-giver hours. She desperately needs her caregiver and I've offered to help financially.

She is also declining cognitively. She is forgetting more and getting more confused. I have chalked this up to anxiety because of the virus. But I was in a therapy session on Thursday and broke down crying about the possibility that this is not, or only in part, about anxiety related to the virus, but the beginnings of the steep cognitive decline of someone I may no longer recognize in I don't know how long. This tears me apart. I want her to get a full neurological evaluation, but I'm not sure it's the right time, for various reasons. Meanwhile, I mourn.

Last night I took 2 klonopin. No big deal, because I'm allowed to take 1-1.5. But I'm afraid it will get worse. I feel most lonely and awful in the evenings and taking klonopin and a lot of it, would shorten that pain and I'd fall into a deep sleep and skip that pain. Or some of it. The cravings are terrible.

So I need some support right now. All of us do right now.

I've just hit a new low.

Thank you for letting me share how I feel...

EDIT: sorry for the double post, I keep getting kicked out...

So glad that new pain med is helping, Wander. Also so great the Geodon does it for you. You are doing great in that regard, Good for you!!!!!!!

Really hope that Minpress helps!!!!!!!!

Years of cardiac exercise probably helped set your pressure set point low. You are extremely fortunate, as we now know BP is the single greatest predictor of serious cardiac issues long term.

Can't do ECT sans espresso, huh? Norcal guy...

You re a youngster! I turned 56 this year. But, several years ago, my partner and I had wonderful, wondrous surprise appear. She is now 12, and, though I do not see her as much as I wish, she does help keep me young. Good for you.

Both my grandparents I knew lived into their upper 90s, eating red meat 3-5 times a day. Ranchers from West Texas. Worked, ate, went to church. I don't think my beloved grandmother exercised a day in her entire life, lol.

My mom died of lung cancer in her 70s, but my dad is 89 and will probably live forever.

Patience. Patience. It will improve.

I have difficult finding words and recalling events all the time now and I am not even 60 yet. It happens. I try not to freak or judge myself.

Um, I am in a small apt. and I put the bike in the shower. It works great. FWIW.

So happy for you!!! Careful on that slick pavement, though.

Weird national weather here. Gonna be nearly 100 here today and tomorrow.

Wow, it's hotter in Portland than in Houston! It's going to be under 80 here.

Very sorry you are struggling. My bp 1 was heavily, heavily depression-dominant for decades before my first full manic episode clarified things. I am not familiar with your meds. Mind offering what they are, by chance? Any recent med shifts? Do you have a seasonal element to your illness? Have you been sick with a virus or anything else? Do you have chronic pain of any kind?

I was in healthcare for a few decades. I also feel a lot of guilt not being in the unit helping right now. But you know what? I did all that. For years. You re making your contribution in your way. Do not belittle that work. Everything counts. Everything.

When I left general surgery for dermatology the "real"surgeons told me I was throwing my life away. That I would not longer be "saving lives." To these tough guys and tough gals, if you are not in the ED shoving your finger in a gunshot hole in the heart, you 're not a real doctor. Before I finally found lasers as my life's work, I was a skin cancer surgeon. I buried melanoma patients all the time. Young ones. I think what we did was plenty important.

Just a little tale to possibly recalibrate your perspective on all this.


Now, for the Klonopin. I have been clean and sober for 13 years. It's easy now, but was hard a long time ago. I thought if I was depressed and if my doctors were not adequately treating me--and frequently, frequently, they were not, that is totally true--that I was entitled to try to help myself. That is how I h=got addicted of Ultram (Tramadol).

So, my unsolicited counsel is to be very aware of your thinking surrounding the Klonopin. It can be an extremely dangerous drug.

As for your mom, don't freak until you have some real, solid data. It could be anything. How old is she?

So, gonna by high 90s/low 100s around these parts today and tomorrow. Usually do not see that for another 4 weeks or so. Odd. I get burned very easily, so, will try to stay out of it.

Book editing cruising along. The hospital book is close. really close. I am very worried, since it will be interpreted as an expose of bad hospital and state conduct by some, that I will face retaliation for writing it. That is possible.The state is mass-violating state, federal, and constitutional law systematically and denying massive numbers of severely mentally ill persons their guaranteed rights.That is wrong. I suspect some prosecutors, cops, and other state officials are really going to be angry with me for revealing this so publicly and, if I do say so myself, quite clearly and plainly--for everyone to see and make their own minds up about.

I once made the 2nd most powerful person in my state extremely angry. I operated on his wife. He was running around the waiting room announcing to everyone quite loudly that he "..was a senator, I'm a senator!!!"

I interpreted this to mean that he believed senators and their wives were entitled to better surgical care than non-senators. I found that extremely distasteful. Really, really pissed me off. And I let him know. Nobody comes onto my unit and starts making other patients and families, just regular folks, teachers, truck drivers, whatever, feel that they are less special than anyone else. Not occurring in my universe--ever.

Two days later, I got called into my Chief's office. This senator had called the President of the university, where I was a rather highly contributing member of the faculty, and demanded that he fire me because I had not been sufficiently obsequious to he and his beloved. That man i still the 2nd most powerful person in my state. Nuf said.

So, I am worried. I am. We shall see. The show must go on.

Less hypo this morning. Slept about 6 hours. Pretty good for me. Just working on books today, as I injured my back on a long ride the other day. Came home and immed. did a back yoga youtube and injured it way, way worse. Moron. So, gotta rest for a few days.

Hugs and love to all. Strength to those struggling. I pray for everyone on this site every night, but also prayed for your husband and you last night, Christina--hope things are better today!!!!!!!!!!