Bipolar check-in #46

I feel bored and frustrated. Hurling abuse at myself, what a stupid idiot i am, what an embarrassment, how ashamed i am of myself. It's a very painful way to live.

I'm back "seeing" everyone on the board now. I took a break from a few people.

Feel i've switched gears back into mild depression. So uncomfortable. My sum total of accomplishments today was i watered my plant.

Hugs to everyone!

Yesterday I started making lists of things related to a possible move. One is for things to do to spruce up our house. Another is things we/I could sell locally, once things open up a bit again. The third is a list of what we would definitely bring with us for a move abroad. That list will obviously be smaller than if we moved somewhere domestically. I'm sure there will be yet another list made sometime in the future.

Today I will do at least one of the sprucing up the house items. I think putting new contact paper on the remaining kitchen cabinet shelves. I did the majority months back, plus drawers. I think I will buy even more contact paper for the upstairs closet shelves. I also need to sort out clothes. I should likely donate some.

Came back from the bike store a little while ago. They were very good about hygiene. They had hand sanitizing bottles and gloves in the front of the store, and they asked everyone who wasn't wearing gloves to use sanitizer and put on some gloves. If you brought your own gloves, then you were supposed to put your gloves on and use sanitizer on them.

Some guy in line (about 4 people behind me) was hacking up a storm without a mask on. His voice made it seem like he was maybe a smoker though, so it's possible it was a smoker's cough and not a corona cough (even though you can of course have both at the same time). Thankfully I was first in line into the bike store and he was told to wait outside while they limited the number of people into the store.

In the end, I exchanged my tires for a pair of Fox MTB gloves, a MTB water bottle, and a water bottle cage. I ended up with $12 back on my card. I totally forgot how large my hands were though! Ended up buying a men's pair because the women's XL pair was too short. lol. Thankfully the Fox gloves some in the same colors and styles for men's and women's, so gender doesn't really matter. But yeah, I'm only somewhere between 5'4" and 5'5". No idea why my hands are massive. lol.

Maybe that's how it works? It keeps you from being able to concentrate on anything long enough to be psychotic about it Manic gnats, oh no!

I'm making dinner early. It takes a bit of preparation- not much, but some.

@Miguel'smom Can you afford the things you buy? Or is it that you can't afford another $65? Is it just the amount of items you buy because you're "just an aunt"?

I still have no idea why I'm bleeding. I think there must be some sort of damage [from the preparation H part you insert to get the medicine inside], but why wouldn't it quit bleeding by now? Is it the environment that makes it not able to stop bleeding easily? My scope isn't until the first of June!

I went to Costco yesterday and picked up water that my kids wanted. I moved in a strange way and hurt my back. I'm in pain today.

I went for a walk and that helped a little but I'm still in pain. I can't take aspirin so I'm stuck with the pain.

Also got some news today that's making my anxiety even worse. It's just one thing after the other pilling on and making me more anxious.

Just taking things hour by hour and trying to stay calm. I'm speaking with my wife about the things so I don't have to face them alone. She's not worried but I tend to worry a lot.

Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight, I made it through the night last night so that's a good bit of news.

Elite guitar player/Van Halen hands...

Touche. They do help out with guitar playing.

Yesterday was rough.



I did not do either of those things, thankfully. I don’t know what I’ll do today. Just try to stay in bed again. I finally got some good sleep. Just a couple of bad dreams. Self harm dream was just about instruments, no graphic images.

Today I am not as desperate so far but I still want to do those things. I’m hurting so bad. I know it’s just depression. I don’t have any reason to go through with anything.

My therapist told me to call my local PHP/IOP which is still running virtually. I did and I have an intake on Friday. I don’t know what else to do besides go to the hospital. I’m so desperate. But I don’t want to do that because of covid. So I’m just trying to hold on until I get some new medication or the lamictal starts to work.

Hugs to everyone!

Today is my birthday. I wish I could take a day off work, but I can't because I have to get something done. I cannot negotiate this because the work I'm doing is a customer request, not a managerial request, so I didn't even bother asking.

Oh well. At least I can look forward to the weekend and "celebrate" then.

I wish I could've slept in considering I went to bed at 1am, but alas... I have a meeting at 7am and had to start working at 5am. Great way to start your birthday... bright 'n early. lol.

Yesterday was rough.



I did not do either of those things, thankfully. I don’t know what I’ll do today. Just try to stay in bed again. I finally got some good sleep. Just a couple of bad dreams. Self harm dream was just about instruments, no graphic images.

Today I am not as desperate so far but I still want to do those things. I’m hurting so bad. I know it’s just depression. I don’t have any reason to go through with anything.

My therapist told me to call my local PHP/IOP which is still running virtually. I did and I have an intake on Friday. I don’t know what else to do besides go to the hospital. I’m so desperate. But I don’t want to do that because of covid. So I’m just trying to hold on until I get some new medication or the lamictal starts to work.

Hugs to everyone!