Bipolar check-in #47

My depression was more intense today. I've lost seven of the last ten Scrabble games. I've lost my sense of humor about it. Thoughts of SH cross my mind. I'm just in such pain, why do i continue? Thoughts of the past attack me. It's probably all because i haven't been sleeping well.

I went out today for pleasure, with no purpose. It's the first time i've done that since March. I rode our train and stopped for a snack at a mall. It didn't help. My mask is uncomfortable. The weather is beautiful and warm. It seems wrong to feel down when the sun is shining but there it is.

Maybe you could just try to go to bed early...

I just ate 6 chocolate chocolate chip cookies back to back to, well, you know...

This PMS has been very mild compared to the last few. There hasn’t been any melatonin incidents, and there have been just a couple brief moments of SI. There’s just been the the anxiety and then that outburst Friday and this sleep thing going on. But compared to the last few it hasn’t been bad.

Well, I made it through the night sleep-wise, so my trazodone is doing its job. That was my main fear last night. I'm definitely annoying my wife though. I don't remember having mania like this before. It's like waves rushing over me. I'm taking the no-driving thing seriously, though. Just wanted to drop by and share where I'm at. We think I've missed a few bout of mania since I've been home from the hospital and maybe a depressive episode, but I find that hard to believe because my depressive episodes are always so pronounced. Anyway, thanks everyone for the support while I'm learning the new norms.

Feeling alright. Not a fan of this heat though. I'm going back to work soon too. I hope I get the rides I already know or the kiddie rides because I'm not up for learning new, complex ones. Maybe when training comes around I will be.

I arrived and checked in to the timeshare. Had a delicious dinner with my daughter and watched a lovely sunset. Enjoyed some heart to heart discussions.

I woke up this morning with anxiety bordering on panic. Went to get my Klonopin and guess what I left at home? I’m going to have to wait until tomorrow and call my doctor’s office and hope they’ll call it in up here.

I’m determined to have an amazing day despite the anxiety.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

This is really good!

I called my father for Father's day a bit ago. The poor dude is miserable being quarantined in his room because of his shingles. I believe he is a bit depressed. He seems to finally be willing to go home in 9 days, but is understandably nervous. We believe his shingles should be resolved enough by then (he's had it for a handful of days already). Since I know he's extremely bored, I gave him an assignment. I told him to create a list on a piece of paper of several meals he'd like to have when home. I told him we'd be there to support him, spend good time with him, and help him with the adjustment. I even offered a couple meal suggestion ideas that I know he'd like. I'll cook some for him, and I know my sister and brother will, too. I even offered to make SOS, a meal I, personally, regard as the most disgusting one my mother made. Also soft-shelled crab, one I rather like, but rarely have because of the price. I know they are available, though. I saw them in the store the other day.

Hey, swimmer--I am not real familiar with a few of your meds. Do you think you might need to up the mood stabilizer among them a bit?

Hope you are feeling all right, spikes. You can do this!!!

Sunsets are good for the soul. Sorry about the Klonopin. I stoppd taking it and now, all I do for my anxiety and panic attacks is breathing and prayer. It works pretty well for me most of the time.

Hope your day is peaceful!!

Such a good daughter...

I am going to call tomorrow morning and try to get an appointment on Zoom for later in the week. There's definitely room to increase my mood stabilizer, and I'm thinking that I want to do that. I have a doc that pretty much does what I say, which is almost a disappointment. I wish I had one that I felt would push back and I felt knew more. Post-pandemic, that's my first move.

I'm definitely wobbly.

Better day overall yesterday, until around 11 or so. Started getting derealized, everything looked phony and fake, not like a real apartment or real belongings. I often get this when I am psychotic. it is hard to describe, super weird. Anyway, was getting paranoid and starting to get frankly psychotic again, so, took my extra Trilafon like I am supposed to and then finally, just went to bed. Did not have any visual hallucinations, like the day before, so, that was a relief. I hate those.

Anyhoo, pretty okay just sitting with my coffee so far.

Maybe I might hear from my daughter today. Gotta call my dad. Haven't talked to him in a long time. He never calls me, ever. I always have to be the one to initiate. He will probably be mad at me. Oh well. I love him to death, but he hasn't exactly been there for me for the last 8 years or so, that is just the facs, ma''am. Didn't ever call or write or visit while I was in the hospital for 5 years. Sorta sad about that one, but, what am I gonna do? It happened. Move on.

Hugs and love to all!! Hope you guys all have a good day!!

Im a zillon pages behind so I am just hoping everyone is doing okay..

Love and support to anyone in need

Haven't posted in forever. I am thinking of you all, though. Christina, I hope things went well at the appointment today. Thank you so much for your compassionate reply to my last post. It was a while ago at this point, but it really meant a lot.

I am doing okay. I am visiting with my significant other, continuing to social distance. He has a new dog so that's fun. It's nice to be in a new place and environment. I had a video therapy session, but since I am out of state there are rules about that and I don't know how long I'll be here visiting. So I scheduled a follow-up for 3 weeks from now to check in, but we're kind of putting things on hold. It's a little tough to choose between therapy and not being isolated by myself in a tiny apartment. Like both would be ideal for my mental health, but I am choosing social interaction for the time being. I don't feel up to reporting on too much more, I think I am still a bit depressed but doing okay. Sending lots of compassion.

I got up around 2:30, got ready, and we headed to my parent’s house. We were there until around 5 when my husband told me I needed to take some klonapin and take a nap. I was like really??!! I didn’t think I was acting high in the least but my mom and sister both chimed in that he was right so I conceded, took a pill and it made me sleep until 7:30. Because of this, we are going to my in laws in the middle of the week to celebrate. I am still depending on a lot of drugs and either have absolutely no energy or am still showing signs of mania. The condition of my house is about to make me crazy. It’s been chaos for 2 or 3 days and chaos with 3 kids easily turns into a minefield. I am getting frustrated! Love to you all!

Hope that can happen soon. Hang in there!

Hang in there, cashart--you'll push through this thing.

I had a pretty calm day. I tried going to bed early as @bpcyclist suggested. It didn't work out too well as the upstairs neighbor decided to have a big night on his balcony with a lady friend. First they had a late dinner, then they had sex, then they got high. I tried not to mind. He's never done that before and it sounds like he is a nice young guy who has trouble getting rid of excess energy.

I ate better today, having some protein, fiber and water and not just junk. I only played two games of Scrabble. I won, then lost. I think it's important to stop at one loss. Playing is not good for me but i'm bored and there are lots of other things i could do which would be worse, drinking, drugging, sex.

It's a heat wave here but i am tolerating it well. Except for my dog's afternoon break i find it rather nice. It's nice to have the apartment thrown open to the outdoors. It really feels like Summer in the city!

Hugs to all who struggle!

Great to hear form you .. Enjoy being out and Oh I swear dogs make me happy happy when nothing else does LOL

Be good to yourself, always

Wow. So I assume I can't take Tegretol anymore. I noticed a small bright red rash on my chest this morning. This sucks, it was the only mood stabilizer I actually liked. Guess I have three doctors to call today...

Spikes, I am sorry to read that you may have gotten a rash from a medication you like. Remind me, were you just starting Tegretol? Did your doctor start you at a small dose and titrate you up somewhat slowly? I know Tegretol is not as notorious for causing rashes as Lamictal, but that it still includes rash as a possible side effect. I believe Tegretol should always be started slowly vs Depakote, that can be started at higher doses.

Once I got a rash (on my entire torso) soon after starting the antipsychotic Navane, so my psychiatrist took me off of it. When I went to a dermatologist he said medications were not the cause for that type of rash. Though I think stopping such a medication is definitely wise, when the rash type is unknown, a dermatologist might be consulted to double check, in cases where you really like the med.

I wonder if your Tegretol is stopped, if after waiting for the rash to fully disappear you could restart that medication, but at a slower rate? I am only asking because I once heard of someone who had that situation with Lamictal.

I just started it last week at 400mg (still on that dose). I called my doctor, but since they just moved up my appointment I'm not sure if I'm supposed to still take it until then or what. I'm worried if I stop it I'll get manic since I'm also on prozac and they just lowered my Risperdal dose, but I'm worried if I don't stop it this rash will get worse. I suppose I'll keep taking it until my appointment, I mean the rash is very small and could've easily been caused by too much itching yesterday/boob sweat. I took some benadryl for the itching and already took my morning dose of Tegretol.