Bipolar check-in #47

I picked up my income taxes today. It was a good result. So that's one thing completed. I drank a protein drink. It settled fine. My diet's low in protein because i'm not eating meat or cooking. The protein drink is convenient. It's a plant-based formula. It was a quiet day. I feel calm. Scrabble didn't go well except for one big play i got: ELATION. I was elated with my play!

I'm still having trouble typing. So I'm using speech to text. Text me a lot longer to think then that used to. My husband says it maybe the medicine working. But I'm having trouble with depression. I have no more appointments for my therapist I don't feel like making any more. I kind of feel like she can't help me.

I’ve been up since about midnight. I haven’t felt like sleeping. I’ve felt like cleaning for some reason. I’ve just been lying in bed. I’ll get up in another hour and go watch TV. I should be dealing with this PMS thing I’ve been getting. Last night I got annoyed with my mom about the cat and then ate an entire box of Happy Hippo kinder bars. Although my anxiety is better.

But I think I was dissociating last night or something. I just remember being really hungry but not remembering much of what I was saying. Then I just got mad at my mom about the cat, went upstairs, ate the hippos, then instantly fell asleep for 4 hours.

It was really weird.

thank you swimmingly

to answer your question, not really (it's not exactly an issue people talk about, and when it is, it's usually connected to older people)

I am young, so makes it even more of a stigma.

I posted a thread in women focussed support, and I may start a social group about it. we'll see

I really apreciate your words. thank you

I am doing nothing today.

woohoo I guess? (I am being sarcastic).

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, either, so you're not alone.

My sister emailed me saying that our dad has shingles. That's quite disconcerting. She said that she and her husband got the vaccine (she said it was two doses). She said she believes our dad did, but only the first of two doses. I haven't because I am still too young for it. Our dad is supposed to come home in 10 days, unless he extends at the assisted living yet again. I would hope it wouldn't be contagious then. We assume that they have him fully quarantined in his room now, which we know he will hate. My husband had shingles, but a very mild case. We all had chicken pox as kids, but I have learned that that doesn't matter.

Bpcyclist, would you happen to know how long shingles remains contagious? I assume you've seen such rashes several times in your life.

I feel like total s***, but at least I dragged my @ss to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. If I didn't go today, I would run out by tomorrow morning (since I take some pills 2x a day), so I guess I didn't have much of a choice unless I want to spend a long time wallowing in my own misery because of a lack of meds.

I do not foresee myself getting better anytime soon, unfortunately. I am deep into this depression and now I am starting to feel guilty about not going bike riding with my parents this morning. I was too depressed to go today, so I lied and said that I was doing some work on my bikes. But now they want to go again, tomorrow, on Father's Day. I hope the temperature is really hot again so that I can say it's too hot for me to go, or something stupid like that. I just need an excuse. Pathetic, I know, but I have tried doing exercise when heavily depressed and I usually end up stopping and sitting down somewhere because I want to cry (although I am too depressed to cry right now, but that could change). So I don't want to ruin their experience. I already almost ruined the weekend when we went kayaking a few years back, but thankfully, they didn't notice my deep, dark feelings. I did a good job of faking being happy, but I do not think I could do it again. It wears on me and I just feel worse afterwards.

So sorry about your dad, BirdDancer. Shingles is contagious until all blisters burst--and are scabbed over. Add 1 or 2 days to that for safety. Usually, 10 to 14 days or so.

You and your sis should just verify that they are in fact treating him with acyclovir or Famvir or whatever. You don't want him to get post-herpetic neuralgia, which can be painful for months and months and require narcotic pain medication. Hope that all goes smoothly.

As you know, it is one of the most contagious infectious illnesses on the planet, and you can get it twice, contrary to popular belief. So, be cautious around him.

Sending support and hugs!!

I am so sorry, blue. I relate so strongly to everything you just wrote. I have spent more total years of my bp 1 in this state you describe than any other. I will say, it may be worth considering going on the bike just yourself, without the pressure of having to look good for anyone. You probably would get some mood benefit from it. As I have said, my ex used to force me to go running with her, because she knew it would help me, God bless her. It always did, even though I could not have wanted to run any less at those times.

Do you like animals or nature? Lots of cheery video on youtube that do not require any physical exertion that might make you feel a bit better. For me, rescue videos like Hope For Paws and cute baby/toddler videos always make me feel good for a little while, even if I am depressed.

Hope you feel better today. This will pass. Do not give up. It is a temporary state, it is just that your brain is making it hard for you to see that fact. Hang in there!!

Best sleep in weeks last night. Could not have come at a better time. Guess that Trilafon must have really helped me.

Not really experiencing any psychosis so far today. Awful yesterday. I somehow concluded that my higher power did not love me anymore and that I was going to hell because I am such a horrible and worthless person. Not a good feeling if you are a Christian. Oh well.

Maybe today will be somewhat peaceful. I do have a history of these terrible, dark, awful psychotic episodes. So devastating. Hope I don't have any today. Very painful and discouraging. All I really have, besides you guys and a few friends and my daughter, is my higher power. It would be pretty bad to lose Him.

Love and hugs to all!!!!!

Thanks so much, bpcyclist! My sister said they are treating it with an antiviral. I will assume that he should be OK if he comes home in 10 days. We were mostly worried about my brother possibly getting it.

Assuming you can believe that you are a piece of the creation of your God and that the creation is thus an extension of God, God is with you even if where you are feels like Hell. If you percieve yourself to be in Heaven, you are no more or less a piece of God in that state either...

If you believe God disconnects from you somehow and removes from you that which comes from God, how can this be? What is it that you could even be made of in that state if God is responsible for the totality of creation?

Perception of loss feels very real though, especially in psychosis. Luckily though, it isn't. God is always connected even when it is your will to believe otherwise.

Whitman nailed it...

'Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost,
No birth, identity, form—no object of the world.
Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;
Appearance must not foil, nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain.
Ample are time and space—ample the fields of Nature.
The body, sluggish, aged, cold—the embers left from earlier fires,
The light in the eye grown dim, shall duly flame again;
The sun now low in the west rises for mornings and for noons continual;
To frozen clods ever the spring's invisible law returns,
With grass and flowers and summer fruits and corn.'

I am glad the psychosis abated. You're still the same piece of Source that you were yesterday and will be tomorow.

Something happened today while I was driving back from visiting my parents. I think it was bad. I was into my third total hour driving and I realized that I was floating. I said to my wife. "How big are my hands?" "She said normal sized, how large are they to you?"

My hands were giant on a tiny steering wheel. I was having trouble holding on. I pulled over to a rest stop and hydrated and used the restroom and came back and it was normal again. But that's the first time that's every happened to me. What was that?

Well, there is a real possibility he may, unfortunately. It is like wildfire...

Thank you for reminding me of this, fern. It is very helpful. Much appreciated.

I don't recall a ton from college, but I do remember the poetry course I took from this quite famous poet. Whitman was a favorite of his, and mine. Just spectacular!! I could read it a hundred times and never get tired of it.

I would say a little derealization/touch of psychosis, perhaps. Your hands, or, rather, your perception and experience of your hands, was unreal. It happens. Glad it is better now!

'nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain.'

Something tells me Whitman understood us

Happy to help anytime!

Thanks, you know me and my labels/labeling of things. It was so surreal at the moment. I felt like I was wrestling against myself. I'm glad it is better too. I've never experienced that before. Thanks for coming to my rescue yet again! I'll have to talk to my pdoc about that too.

I love Whitman.....

Bpcyclist, I was always taught that God is a loving God. I can't imagine why on earth such a God would stop loving a wonderful man like you.

Even when we commit offenses, there is always forgiveness. To me, one of the bigger offenses in life is not forgiving small offenses, or even big ones when some form of whole-hearted repentence is made, and forgiveness asked for. That applies not only to forgiveness towards others, but also forgiveness towards ourselves.

Though I only have access to knowing you in a limited way, through PC, I know you have experienced a similar type of pain as I have, as a result of bipolar disorder. The disorder can cause us to do and feel things we, and others, don't always like. We must sometimes take responsibility for some, and ask for forgiveness, but other times it is the beast of the illness that committed the crime, and we were at its mercy.

You have offered so much to many. Don't let that fact be overshadowed. Every day you are here for us. Every day you work to heal yourself. You have love for your children and others. With your writing you offer knowledge, experience, caring, and positive solutions for the good. Hope is always alive in me, please let it live in you and all others.

I can totally see you loving Whitman, Fuzzinator!

Oh, thank you, BirdDancer, so very much for your sweet words of reassurance. I really needed that today!! Onward!!