Bipolar check-in #47

Lots of vomit.

Today I'm still battling a depressive swing. I set an alarm and didn't allow myself more than 8 hours sleep last night. I'm craving a nap now, but am fighting it too. I don't have a lot of depression coping skills built up anymore. I thought I had more, but they fail me now that I'm in the saddle. Feel free to share any tips that you have. I'm going to try to mow the lawn in a little bit but I'm really cold due to bad circulation thanks to diabetes. But I know I need to get up and get out. It's just that well you guys know... its so hard to get moving.

Action is what I find mosty critical in these situations. Taking some kind of action. Anything is better than nothing. For me, aerobic exercise is the most useful thing by far.

The other thing that has been very helpful to me over the years has been medication. Specifically, things like modafinil, Provigil, or Adderall, Now, many, many people on this board feel very strongly that this class of medication should basically never, ever be used in us. My pdoc does not agree with that and neither do I. So, I would urge you to read about it and see what you think. The risk of psychosis from the judicious use of stimulants in patients with bp 1 is very low. My pdoc has been doing this for 25 years and says he has still never seen it yet. I recognize and respect that many smart people here become irate when they hear this sort of talk because they so disagree and that is great. But we all have our own experiences.

@bpcyclist, Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on both action, and medication. I definitely agree on the stance on action and I haven't formed an opinion on that line of medication but will read and form my own opinion. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I definitely appreciate you. Thank you!

I don't know why I thought someone poisoned me this morning. In reality I'm just hungover (at least I hope). Why was the first thing that came to my head someone else poisoning me in my sleep?

Are you maybe a little paranoid?

Increasingly so. Can't even listen to music anymore because I feel like it has code embedded in it trying to take over my thoughts.

Have you told the pdoc this stuff?

Just devastated here. Spent all day yesterday tyring to begin to accept that my friend is gone. Having a hard time. Nightmares. Keep walking around the corner and thinking ti is just some wort of mistake or error. But it is not. Beyond sad. Beyond.

We had so much in common it was just eerie. Same profession. Trained and worked at some of the same places. Both very insecure, despite sucess that might otherwise have resulted in some genuine confidence. He was hilarious. I used to be funny, supposedly. Just very similar people.

I found some online obituaries in Miami where he ended up and wrote something. One has been published already, so, I assume his family saw it. Was also wondering, do you think it is too late to send flowers a couple of years after his death? Don't want to trigger people. I do not know etiquette on that, depstie being raised by etiquette gurus. They never covered that one.

Hope everyone has a nice day.

On the brain health front, the added Abilify does not seem to be helping much. Am supposed to update pdoc tomorrow morning with that and see where he wants to go from here. Guess I wll get hollered at if he decides to start Adderall. But I can take hollering. I am a general surgeon. I was raised on hollering.

I knew he was in trouble when he stopped responding to my calls. I called his GF and told her. Everyond was mad at me for sayign this, but I knew he had relapsed. I knew him like the back of my hand. Like I said, I know all the tricks. It wasn't enough. If I ever stop showing up here, you will know I relapsed after 10 million years of sobriety. It's what people do. Hopefully, not me.

Love and hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@bpcyclist Sorry for the loss of your friend.

Not yet. I get my injection on Tuesday so I'll tell the nurse who will then email my pdoc likely.

I take 75mg total of clozapine today, 25mg in the mornig and 50mg at night. Tomorrow i will take 100mg, then 125, etc.

Hubby and I went downtown so he could finally get a haircut after months. It was his barber's first day back in the shop, even though barbershops opened on June 22. Afterwards, we went to lunch as a celebration. Only outdoor seating is allowed and we found a place that had very good socially distanced tables.

Of course my hair still has gray roots and my bangs and other hair length is still too long. On June 22 I called for an appointment for myself at the salon, but couldn't get one for over two weeks. So, more than another week until I look fabulous, like my husband. I told the waitress today that when my hair is done, we will go to the restaurant at the Waldorf Astoria in NYC. [Just a joke.]

It is now pouring with thunder and lightning.

@bpcyclist: I am very sorry for the loss of your friend.