Bipolar check-in #47

I have a telehealth appointment with my therapist in an hour. Honestly, I am uncertain what to talk about. I'm more high than low lately, and during those periods of time, it's hard to find a particular issue to address in detail. Maybe I'll discuss my irritability, as I've been having highs combined with outbursts, although I am not experiencing that today. It's hard to come up with examples, because time passes, and then I forget about it when I am no longer in that state of mind. Plus, I am more "on the go," maybe due to being a bit hypo, so I feel it is interfering with my productivity. I'm debating whether I should continue therapy or not. I tend to respond more to it when I hit a low, and I know that will eventually happen, but it's just a matter of when.

Hey

I'm glad things are going well right now! Happy to see your check in.. I love reading positive posts, reminds us there are good times to be found

Enjoy time with your sister out for lunch

I'm sorry your having a rough time but its good you had taken a look at how your doing and see that you need to do some extra self care to level back out...

Its all about being Pro active many times its easy to lose sight of things we can do that will indeed help if we just utilize skills we have. Good job

Lunch sounds good to me LOL

Well no sleep, but 5am car washing is awesome my car is happy again!

Steve seems a touch better, hes looking more " aware" for lack of a better word, hes been so sick for so long he had that dull look in his eyes.. His cognitive issues have been pretty huge, Hes forgetting whole days, I have taken his car and truck keys in case I fell asleep and he wanted to take a drive. Lots of confusion, So I hoping that as he gets better that he will improve ALOT..

We are dealing with the 20% brain volume loss, so there is dementia of some sort... I just hope that he improves and he isnt losing ground permanently.. I am very scared for our future. He says just dump me at a nursing home! He knows that I will never do that. He said he thought he would be the one taking care of me not me having to do so much for him.. Hey its called love

We just got a really nice rain shower.. We went out on the porch to sit and enjoy.. rain on a tin roof ...... heaven

That seems like a very good idea, taking his keys to ensure his safety!

I have read in various places (including one of my past psychology class textbooks) that the brain has an incredible ability to heal from various injuries. That some parts of the brain that normally don't handle certain operations can learn to (in a sense). If my recollection is correct, then I could definitely see Steve's cognitive issues possibly improving notably. I know that some forms of dementia do have bleak outcomes, but maybe Steve will, indeed, heal from this ordeal. Of course I don't know the complete nature of his brain injury, nor would I fully understand it, if I did. But I am quite hopeful for him.

Went on a 3.5 mike walk today with RS and my son. It wasn’t supposed to be that long but we read the trail maps wrong and ended up taking a very long loop! But we got to see a lot of historical farmhouses and a restored covered bridge. It was very nice. RS and my son played in the shallow river (not sure what river it was) and swam around a bit. I don’t like rivers or lakes so I sat on some rocks chugging water because I stupidly didn’t bring any for our walk. Thankfully I had a case in my car.

I’m having back pain again. Like something is pressing on my sciatic nerve. It’s in the low back and somehow skips going through my leg but makes my knee hurt as well. I’m concerned that I may have reherniated the disk I had fixed last year. If that’s the case, I will have to have spinal fusion surgery. Much longer and more intense surgery with a long recovery time. Not happy.

I told my therapist from IOP that I want to quit. She said she would “talk to the treatment team”. I don’t care what they say, I’m not calling in anymore. I’m going to call my psychiatrist and get set up in her office and then contact my regular therapist and get back with her. I feel like at thus point IOP is just trying to squeeze money out of me. I have a 0 on the depression/anxiety scale and have for a few weeks. So why do I need to stay? No reason.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xRavenx I have a telehealth appointment with my therapist in an hour. Honestly, I am uncertain what to talk about. I'm more high than low lately, and during those periods of time, it's hard to find a particular issue to address in detail. Maybe I'll discuss my irritability, as I've been having highs combined with outbursts, although I am not experiencing that today. It's hard to come up with examples, because time passes, and then I forget about it when I am no longer in that state of mind. Plus, I am more "on the go," maybe due to being a bit hypo, so I feel it is interfering with my productivity. I'm debating whether I should continue therapy or not. I tend to respond more to it when I hit a low, and I know that will eventually happen, but it's just a matter of when.

I certainly wouldn't tell you to stay in therapy if you don't want to. I will remind you that when we're up is the time when we sometimes believe we no longer need a connection with mental health support. Then, like you said, down hits, and we're floundering. I look at staying in therapy when I'm not feeling that I need it kind of like money in the bank. You've invested, so that when you do need it, it's there to use.

All in all, doing well. Obviously extremely concerned about the sudden rise in covid cases in California, in Florida, and in a few other states. My fear is that, even with their strongest efforts, our best leaders don't know what to do. And then there are those leaders who are such jackasses that they aren't even trying - or are making things worse.

I haven't left my apartment in 2 1/2 weeks, since my leg is still in a cast from the surgery on my achilles tendon. I'll have the cast for another 12 days. Ugh. But I expect that it will all be worth it when I'm fully recovered.

I'm getting used to teletherapy, it's not feeling as awful as it did for the first several weeks. I have created a sacred space for myself when I have sessions. I close the curtains and turn on a soft-light Edison bulb, burn incense, and set up my computer so the background behind me is pleasant for my therapist and pdoc to look at.

I joke with myself that I'll end up really liking teletherapy, even preferring it - then they'll return to in person sessions and I'll hate having to adjust to those. Just my luck

Met with T today. Wasn't great. Spent at least 10 minutes while she caught up on paperwork and absentmindedly asked me questions. I'm deep in depression and feeling lousy. I don't know why this cycle feels so heavy to me. Probably doesn't help that the past couple days I'm making a med adjustment.

Yes, that's true. The session went okay today, and we agreed to schedule our next session a few weeks out since I do not feel it is necessary to do weekly at this time. I might as well stick it out, because I think I'd regret losing therapy completely.

It rained this morning but the sun came out and it's fairly nice out if a bit humid. Sat in the sun for as long as I could then moved to the shade. Refilled the hummingbird feeder and my reward was seeing a male hummingbird in all his shimmering finery. But he fed from the flowers not the feeder. So glad my library is partly open. You can order books then pull up and they bring them out to you. Because I'm now about halfway though a Minnesota author's series. It stars a white an with Indian blood in northern Minnesota and he does a good job of capturing the woods. Sitting outside reading his books transports me back to my happy childhood days of summer on the north lake. Nothing bad ever happened to me up there and its treasured memories. There was the old man who pointed a rifle at me and told me to get off his property. He called me a few bad names for Indians while he was at it but I was gleeful being mistaken for an Indian. I thought it a high compliment. In those days before puberty I tanned dark in the summertime and pretty much lived in a bathing suit. Ahh good memories.

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Originally Posted by swimmingly Met with T today. Wasn't great. Spent at least 10 minutes while she caught up on paperwork and absentmindedly asked me questions. I'm deep in depression and feeling lousy. I don't know why this cycle feels so heavy to me. Probably doesn't help that the past couple days I'm making a med adjustment.

Well, that's inconsiderate! Her paperwork thing surely didn't help your depression.

But hang in there while you adjust to your new medication

Quote:

Originally Posted by xRavenx Yes, that's true. The session went okay today, and we agreed to schedule our next session a few weeks out since I do not feel it is necessary to do weekly at this time. I might as well stick it out, because I think I'd regret losing therapy completely.

I believe your decision is a wise one.

Hi all. I am feeling really low energy and kind of depressed which is why the lack of check ins. Hanging out with my boyfriend's new dog at least is something that brightens my day. I'm just feeling apathetic. I think it's partly the birth control, but then I wonder if it's a sign I should change things in my life or something. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it, but instead ruminating and stuck in my head with worse OCD. I am trying to get through the three months of birth control so I at least can tell my doctor I did and not get told I just didn't try it long enough. I'm just confused getting different explanations for my issues and not being sure which path to go down. I'll try to be back and reading and responding here more soon. Sending compassion.

Another calm day of mild depression. It was a nice day and i got my dog out for a two-hour break. I lost all my Scrabble games today. My rating took a dive. But i don't mind. I've been silly to invest such emotion in a game that's mostly chance anyways. I chatted with my neighbor outside. She's going to drive us next week to my dog's grooming so that's a load off my mind. Taking a cab is such a bore.

I took a shower!

Hugs to all who struggle!

Thanks

There is so much unknown right now. But there is fact of the volume loss. He had a MRI about 5 years ago that was okay, no decrease.

The Gabapentin he started 10 years ago then flipped to Lyrica that did cause him some cognitive issues has rolled into actually physical loss.. So the when and what isnt clear.

Its just so much to try and digest. 2020 is a total shyt year from hell !

I have moments where I get busy doing something else and its not right in the front of my mind and I am grateful for the break.

My boring limited existence continues. Physically I have not improved. It’s been bad for four months I don’t expect it to disappear soon. I’m trying todo positive things with the little energy I have to keep my mental health from tanking. Thankfully, I have a few key people in my life who bring me joy and opportunity to give. My world is very small. I do what I can.

Despite my efforts to stay positive my T is concerned about my SI. Although, I am strongly against acting as I do not want to harm my impressionable nieces and nephews I still have limits to what I can bear before I lose my mind and thus my capacity to think rationally. My T wants to focus on this subject next week.

I’ve discovered that my body is still acting like it’s in survival mode. After decades of trauma it doesn’t feel safe. It really only has been for six months. I guess it will take time for me to calm down and relax. Maybe it’s why I’ve crashed so badly this time. I’m finally safe.

Just devastated here. Spent all day yesterday tyring to begin to accept that my friend is gone. Having a hard time. Nightmares. Keep walking around the corner and thinking ti is just some wort of mistake or error. But it is not. Beyond sad. Beyond.

We had so much in common it was just eerie. Same profession. Trained and worked at some of the same places. Both very insecure, despite sucess that might otherwise have resulted in some genuine confidence. He was hilarious. I used to be funny, supposedly. Just very similar people.

I found some online obituaries in Miami where he ended up and wrote something. One has been published already, so, I assume his family saw it. Was also wondering, do you think it is too late to send flowers a couple of years after his death? Don't want to trigger people. I do not know etiquette on that, depstie being raised by etiquette gurus. They never covered that one.

Hope everyone has a nice day.

On the brain health front, the added Abilify does not seem to be helping much. Am supposed to update pdoc tomorrow morning with that and see where he wants to go from here. Guess I wll get hollered at if he decides to start Adderall. But I can take hollering. I am a general surgeon. I was raised on hollering.

I knew he was in trouble when he stopped responding to my calls. I called his GF and told her. Everyond was mad at me for sayign this, but I knew he had relapsed. I knew him like the back of my hand. Like I said, I know all the tricks. It wasn't enough. If I ever stop showing up here, you will know I relapsed after 10 million years of sobriety. It's what people do. Hopefully, not me.

Love and hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My condolences on the loss of your friend.

Thank you, Jennifer.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your friend.

Thanks, swimmer. I really appreciate the support very much. Very kind of you.

I haven't slept much last night and when I did I think someone poisoned me and I am furious but also I know I just poisoned myself but at the same time this is more than I bargained for. Just watching the corners now. It hurts so much.

Why do you think you were poisoned, spikes?

Lots of vomit.