Bipolar check-in #47

Pretty sure I'm in a mixed episode. Pretty sure.

@BeyondtheRainbow.

Missed my nightly dose of clozapine last night. I took my morning dose as usual this morning.

Did the fatigue get you? That does improve a lot. In fact I need gabapentin to sleep now and I'm still not a good sleeper (but sleep has been an issue since I was 4 days old so that's just me).

If you are too tired you can ask if you can slow your taper a bit. I don't know why they wouldn't do that aside from wanting you at a therapeutic dose ASAP.

Missing doses is exactly why I don't take an AM dose. I'd have to get up and be more alert than I am in the mornings to get that dose and so I'd constantly forget it (just like my thyroid med I struggle to take because it is supposed to be taken in the morning) and then I wouldn't get enough clozapine and the night dose would be increased anyway yet I'd still not get the AM dose.

Yeah the fatigue is definitely getting me a bit. They already slowed the taper, was gonna be at 300mg at the end of two weeks but now I'm gonna be at 200mg.

I'll just set a phone alarm, havent had trouble with AM clozapine yet.

It does get better. My pdoc told me of someone who took 800 mg without fatigue so it can apparently get MUCH better. I know for me I was more tired the first few months by far than I am now. I guess that's why it is good that they don't just start at 300 mg or something.

Are you feeling anything from it yet? I hope you are like me and have some response fairly quickly. It makes the side effects a lot easier to handle to feel it improving. But just know that it will get better. I really believe that.

I may be doing a little better.

Not from any antipsychotic effect but by sedating me, my voices are worse at night. Unfortunately I'm semi-psychotic right now.

My doc told me he's had some people respond to as little as 200mg, but most of the time the dosage gets into the 400's. He also said for some people it takes months to respond. So, I'll wait and see.

Sorry you've been struggling getting to sleep, I hope you get some better rest soon Yeah the mask thing is weird, I mean it's so easy to just put one on, there's no reason not to unless you have a medical condition where you can't.

That's awesome!! I hope it will help you

I'm doing alright. Have been having a lot of panic attacks lately though. Mainly over fear of getting kicked out of my apartment. It's not a logical fear because there's no reason I would be kicked out. I think it just stems from my childhood growing up homeless on and off and fearing that happening again. I also feel like I finally have something good in my life (this apartment) and I'm afraid it will be taken away from me. All of it's pretty illogical but is based on past experiences when I was a kid. It just creates massive panic attacks for me randomly. I think I need to discuss it with my therapist. Maybe talking about it would help because I've never brought it up before.

I'm done with caffeine now so I've been drinking herbal teas and decaf. Cause obviously caffeine's not good for me since I have panic disorder. I've been eating healthier too. Between that and starting metformin last month, I've lost 5 lbs! So happy cause I was stuck at a certain weight for a long time but it's finally coming off.

Have a lot to do this weekend, hopefully I can get it all done. I'm also doing a 30 day ukulele challenge I found on YouTube. Want to start practicing more frequently.

Hope everyone is good and has a safe 4th of July

oh. good.

what is happening?

congrats on the wt. loss !! i am so sorry you have been dealing with these attacks. therapy helped me a lot with childhood traumas.

Adorable!

I'm just all over the place. I'm experiencing the mania effects that I've been posting about the racing thoughts, super-sensitivity to sound and light, but I have no energy, no interest in doing anything, worthless, irritable, all the frequent fliers. all at once. My head's abuzz and I just can't seem to shake anything. I haven't left this spot all day. On the couch. Here. Blegh.

Okay yes it would be nice if people can increase there tipping .. 50% ?? Oh hell NO ! thats just ridiculous. Considering almost everyone has been effected by COVID..... Reduced hours at work or jobs lost /and burned through savings to keep a roof over there heads and the proof is every damn then we need the prices have been increased... I think if a person can tip a few bucks more than they normally would is a great thing... I use to waitress, I accepted that I would be paid 2.12 per hour and my tips would vary. Some days Id made fantastic tips and other days not as much.. It is part of the "risk " a person takes working a job that tips are the main source of income.

In Florida I made 2.12 an hour plus tips. Well Canadians seldom tip because in there country Waiters/waitresses are given a decent hourly wage and they all flock to Florida for the winter.

Noone delivers to my house here LOL But in Florida if I ordered pizza Id give 2-3.. dollars. I never had any other food delivered.. If I wanted Chinese or Thai etc etc I dont tip. I call, order food they make it and put it in a container and I drive to pick it up.. To me that is not something I need to tip for. Noone is actually " waiting on me and refilling my coffee or soda"

Whoever thinks people need to increase there tip to 50% of the cost of the meal is ridiculousnes , Rich and more likely BOTH

Today my mom and I went to a social distancing, masks on visit with my sister and her family. We hadn't been that far away from home since March. It was so good to get out and see different things and watch my nieces swim. They've grown so much since March. It was hard to leave without hugging the girls. It doesn't look like we'll be going back to regular contact for a long time now so this was a big deal. My states' numbers are getting scary. Hopefully we will be at least able to do drive-by, drop off birthdays for them later in the summer.

I'm just so happy to have seen them and their new pool. Even the little girl is swimming well.

Well this happened, then that happened and then more, ugh such a day .


Steves Oldest Sons Wife who I wouldnt spit on if she was on fire( I have a laundry list of valid reasons) Texted me .....Her, Ryan and the grandbaby want to surprise Steve mid July. They live in Florida, the area is a cesspool of exploding COVID cases. Thousands and thousands and thousands daily.


I said well you'd need a Covid test and negative results on all 3 of you days before you come. But I will call our Doctor Monday and ask there opinion, They might say we need to wait until things calm/slow down.


Like seriously I am not putting up with a single oz of Shyt outta her

With my mild depression i feel life is sort of like the difference between black-and-white TV and color. My goal was to eat healthy today and i made it, even had an apple. The day was long tho. Going to bed early because i can't tolerate anything, not TV, music or Scrabble. If i just lay there, whatever.

My eating today was terrible. I had a ham sandwich, M&Ms and ice cream! No wonder I'm hungry. But fixing something has zero appeal.

I’m having second thoughts about buying a house right now. If we did, we’d most likely not close until sometime after school starts. Unless we get one particular house we are looking at, my son will have to switch elementary schools again. I don’t want to do that to him during the school year. I honestly don’t want him to do that at all, considering he just switched schools last year. There is only one house in his particular school zone that is for sale. Plus, I talked to my landlord and if we leave, we will be responsible for this house’s rent until it gets rented out again. I’m sure it would be rented out quickly as it’s a nice house and we have made many improvements to the yard. But my stupid cat ripped up the carpet in a few places so it would need to be replaced. And he scratched the walls because he’s an a-hole so that would have to be fixed too. I don’t know how long that would take. So I just don’t know. We don’t want to wait but still...it might be better.

I’ve been struggling to come to terms with my relationship with my late husband. I honestly didn’t realize how messed up it was until I started dating RS and he was so good to me. He has never accused me of cheating on him, unlike my husband who did it several times. He has only gotten mad at me once, which was completely justified and he actually talked to me about it rather than just screaming at me and then giving me the silent treatment, leaving me begging him to just tell me what I did wrong and how I can fix it.

I’m also struggling with what I should/could have done differently, especially after my husband admitted his addiction, went to detox, tried for a few months and then continued to do drugs right under my nose. I should have separated our accounts so he couldn’t continue to clean us out, and I should have had a backbone and refused to take him to the ER for pain pills and let him buy off the street when he claimed to be in extreme pain. I just didn’t want to get screamed at.

I dunno. I’m definitely glad to be going back to my regular therapist so I can work through all these thoughts.

I have been so fatigued since I got back from vacation. I don’t suspect COVID but something’s up. Some days I can barely write or drive. My daughter is pushing me to go to the doctor. What am I going to say? I’m very fatigued and oh yeah, my memory got real bad suddenly? I’ll go but I’ll feel foolish.

Happy Fourth! We’re getting BBQ and watching fireworks on TV. My daughter gave me her pile of fireworks including some lovely fountains to set off tonight. I will if I have the energy.

Much love to all.

I'm going to find a new job at a different company, and I hope to quit my current one ASAP. I realized yesterday that I have been fed lies for many, many months and I am tired of that s***.

I applied to a few jobs yesterday, but obviously this virus makes things more difficult than they need to be. Still, I am hoping to at least hear back from a few and possibly do some virtual interviews. I am sick of being fed lies.

Anyway, doing alright otherwise. Just irritated and upset from the whole job thing, but I should have moved on from my job months ago.

Had a great day yesterday. Went out with my son to buy him a raft for the pool. I live in an apartment and my complex did open it for the summer. The only bad thing is it's only open when the rental office is open now. We spent a few hours down there and all my favorite neighbors came down. We had a great time.

Even though the rental office is closed, they are making a special effort to open our pool today. So I'll probably clean a bit, and then go swimming for a couple hours. Going to my parents for a cookout afterwards. Fireworks are cancelled, but I bet my dad bought some. Should still be fun.

I know I haven't posted in awhile. All in all doing pretty well. I'd say that even though 2020 has been crazy, I've been more stable than I've been the last 3-4 years. To the point where being bipolar doesn't cross my mind very often over the last couple months. I know it won't last, but I'm definitely trying to enjoy it while I can.

I’m pretty restless today. In a cleaning mood. Although that’s how I usually am on the weekends. So maybe it’s just a routine. Except I keep going to the same spots and seeing how I can make them cleaner and more organized. I canceled a grocery order since I have a ton of food and my storage shelf is already overflowing. I’m barely eating anything on it but I keep adding more to it. I’m not too anxious or crabby though today. I slept really good last night.

I cycled 5 miles today. I made it a good workout and was sweating during.

I've had the bike I'm training on since I was 18. I'm glad I still have it and it is in great shape. I won't take it on the road because it is a racing bike with really skinny tires and drop handlebars.

My regular bike is a hybrid with regular handlebars and bigger tires.

I hope to take out my regular bike on a trail this year. A friend of mine wants to come along. We have to drive there and I have a bike carrier for my car that can hold 3 bikes.