Bipolar check-in #48

Thanks swimmingly, I'm sending you good vibes too

The fog is lifting here. I'm feeling the mania aspect lifting, my head is less, I don't know how to describe it... foggy and cloudy, more coherent. I'm still a little spinny. So I don't think I'm 100% out yet. It doesn't feel like last time (a week and a half ago).

Anyway, I'm worried about the next few days and what will be next. I'm still very noise sensitive at home, but its better.

I have a weight loss surgery psych consult tomorrow where I have to pretend that I'm pretty average. It's a video call. They already know I'm bipolar, but they just found out that I was hospitalized in March. So now I have to answer to that while dealing with mania. Should be a good show. I'm selling tickets if anyone's interested.

Doing ok. A bit on the low side.

My Seroquel (immediate release) was increased by 12.5mg (half a tablet) per day and my weight has gone up by 2kg/4lbs. Discouraged. Too bad it works so well in managing my bipolar and somewhat against my anxiety. My anxiety is bad but even worse without the immediate release Seroquel. I’m considering the option of a gastric sleeve. I’m only 5 foot 2 and just can’t get any fatter.

I’ve decided to give therapy one last final shot. I made an appointment with a new psychologist for 30th July. My last therapist got bogged down in my ‘anxious childhood’ and gave me no tools for managing my anxiety in the present. I ended up more anxious than ever and stopped seeing her. The one prior to that ‘fired’ me because I was ‘too well’. I really hope this new psychologist works out. Surely that’s not too much to ask for?? I don’t think I could handle another dud.

Sorry Christina to read that Steve isn’t well. Thinking of you.

Hugs to those who need them.

Nice to hear from you

I had a T who got bogged down in my horrible childhood and gave me no tools for managing my anxiety in the present. I was never fired for being ''too well''. I was told I was ''too unwell''.. nice There are far too many duds. Shoot me for telling the truth Especially in this country. way too many duds who are not even kind. imho,

hugs


I hope your new psychologist is a good one

Thanks Fuzzybear

I hope your consult goes well tomorrow.

i certainly don't know this whole story, wfc, but listening to you, I am hearing shame. Shame is by far the most toxic human emotion, because whart it says is: "I am bad," as opposed to, "I did some bad stuff when I was super sick. Like pretty much all other bipolar people do." Or something.
I hope you are able to work through all this stuff and get to a place of acceptance at some level, without assigning blaame to yourself.

Sending you self-compassion and love.

I hope you feel better soon, fuzzy. Love and hugs!!

Glad things are finally moving in the right direction, swimmer. That is awesome. As far as that appt. tomorrow, I strongly advise being totally upfront about where your brain is, symptom-wise. You will be able to get this done if you so wish, you will. But trying to look good, well, most surgeons are pretty good at spotting that sort of thing, so, it prolly won't even work, you know? I think candor will score you way more points. Just a thought.

Love and hugs!!!!!!!!

I have a family member (well, not biologically but he's been a huge part of my family for 25 years) who is dying of lung cancer. We live just far enough away that we can't see him very often and the pandemic makes things much more difficult since he's immunocompromised anyway and then my mom and I each have risk factors too.

He's happily accepting things that months ago he said he'd never need. He is doing his last round of chemo next week and then will not do more. They are just so hard on him.

It hit me tonight. I was laughing about something from the past that was typical him and realized that there won't be more typical "Mark". There just will be sick Mark and hopefullyi he won't get sicker for a while. In fact hopefully he'll have some improvement once the chemo isn't pounding him every 3 weeks. But the end result is going to be the same.

I'm fighting a panic attack. I actually cried a bit which I pretty much never do without my therapist and I haven't seen him in person since March 2. I try not to cry when my mom might see me; she's having enough to deal with on her own. This is harder for her than anyone. My therapist would say we should share our grief but so far we don't operate that way.

I can't believe that one day sooner than I want I'll have to say goodbye and thanks to this stupid cornovirus it will not be with as many visits and chats as it should be.

Sorry this is long. Having a rough time tonight.

I am sorry you are having weight issues with the Seroquel. I had the same thing. I hope you can find a balance with it.

My mother died from this, so very sorry for all of you. Just very hard.

Can you email or text or zoom? I am reconnecting this way w my daughter and it seems to be working for us.

Hugs and strength.

Thanks bicyclist. Thanks - it sure is a balancing act.

I totally agree. SHAME is by far the most toxic human emotion. And all abusers know that and use it to intentionally harm others

much love to you

I'm still cycling on my trainer. It's getting hard, maybe I need a day or two off.

My mood is still the same but I guess I can't expect much after about a week of exercising.

Also this is just the end of the first week on the increased dose of Wellbutrin. I used to be on more but my pdoc increases doses slowly.

I'm sorry you've been through this. Lung cancer is vicious to watch.

I've texted with him and need to do that more. He hasn't seemed open to Zoom or the like. I think he doesn't want us to know how bad it really is at this point. That's why I was crying earlier; he's accepting assistive devices and just months ago he refused to consider them when I offered them.

I sent a card last week and signed it Love. That was not easy as we are not emotional people. But he needs to know I love him so I will be doing that again.

This is "no regrets" time. They had hoped to give him about 18 months with the chemo he did. So either it will have worked and his scans will be better and he'll have bought some time or the scans won't be better and the time will probably be shorter. Honestly the symptoms we're aware of aren't inspiring.

I dont' know when scans will be done.

It just breaks my heart.

Text away.

Hugs.

Had a good day- except I still didnt make it out for a walk. My sleep is just too messed up. By the time my alarm goes off- even if its been 8 hours, I am too asleep to get up. I did talk with Caleb longer than usual today and it was when he got home from work- we talked more deeply about everything because he wasn't at work and distracted. He said he really wants to quit smoking too which is wonderful news! He's already started modifying his habits and is smoking less which is great.

@~Christina glad you got a script for Ambien and got some sleep!!

@BethRags: So sorry to hear the removal of your cast is delayed. I know you were really looking forward to it. Hope you enjoyed your sundae!

@bpcyclist: Glad you got some decent long hours of sleep. A good sleep makes all the difference, i find. My dog Hush says arf to Albert. Is Albert of the opinion that cats rule, dogs drool?!

In my news, despite speaking to the pharmacy manager last week and giving her heck, they continued to screw up my order this week. The good thing about it is i have finally decided to withdraw from Clonazepam as i don't want to continue to be dependent on it when the pharmacy service is this poor. I'm a long-time user and it doesn't have any effectiveness anymore. I got the ball rolling with an email to my doctor. We've discussed it before, it just wasn't the right time. I expect that he'll be supportive but probably want a phone appointment. And i'll save money too!

On a scale of one to ten my depression is just about a two right now, pretty good. It was higher when i was so angry with the pharmacy, but it passed.

I didn't go in my city's weekly Scrabble club today or play online. I'm trying to let it go. But the day is long, so we shall see.

Hugs to all who need them!

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 @BethRags: So sorry to hear the removal of your cast is delayed. I know you were really looking forward to it. Hope you enjoyed your sundae! Thank you so much. Well, I now have only 15 hours to go, so I'll make it. *sigh* The sundae was good, yes ...The good thing about it is i have finally decided to withdraw from Clonazepam as i don't want to continue to be dependent on it when the pharmacy service is this poor. I'm a long-time user and it doesn't have any effectiveness anymore. I'm sorry about your pharmacy. Ugggh, that can be so frustrating and upsetting. I've been taking Klonopin for around 20 years. It doesn't do anything for me, at all. But my body is so dependent on it that I haven't had any luck with getting off of it. The last time I tried was a couple of years ago. I titrated the pills down by tiny, tiny bits over a full year. Then hit a mania and ended up right back on the Klonopin. You've reminded me, though, that it's something I want to speak with my pdoc about. Have you checked out benzobuddies.org? Also, the Ashton method.

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I think Journaling is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

You had the trauma and realizing now that your first husband has damaged you on numerous levels and finding him caused your PTSD ..

I will not go into details as I do not want to trigger anyone, But lets say I thought I have a couple rocks to look under and it snow balled into a whole rock garden... It was brutal and exhausting,, But its work that I needed to do for my own well being.

When my life imploded and boom " you have Bipolar" I did talk to my husband about it all the time. Bipolar and other factors had use both decide our marriage was over.. We survived it somehow , thankfully..

But I learned a valuable lesson Steve isnt my T, If I told him 15% of what blows through my brain daily he would be so overwhelmed. Most men are fixers its just there nature and that can overwhelm them .

So if I am really struggling I will give him a heads up, He always tells me if I want to talk he is there, and I have a couple times but I talk to my T, Bipolar friends, they get it, Never any judgement and I can say how I really feel and they are not going to freak out.

My Husband and I have a very deep relationship and we talk about pretty much everything..

I choose to make Bipolar the smallest part of my marriage as possible.

I'm sorry your Brother is moving and your losing that connection.. I thought my relationship with my brother was over when he got married and moved 4 hours away. Few phone calls a year ( long before texting) Now? We chat off and on through the week. anytime Steve has been in the hospital he is calling me numerous times a day to see how we are... He lives 10 hours away and I normally see him twice a year when we go to Florida. But we are much closer now.. So don't write your brother off. He needs to go live his life too..

Mt T has literally beat this into my head " guys think differently that girls' My Daughter texts Steve numerous times a week just to say hi .. how are you doing? or send him a stupid meme she knows he will love or if she knows we will be out for a Doctor appt and have a signal she will call to chat... His sons? They have gone weeks with out sending him a text, Not even replying to ones he has sent them. Males like in the animal kingdom find a mate and they move on with there life, Its not fair of course, But I think he is going to make time to keep in touch..

I hope that finding a T that isnt a moron jerk will be helpful.. My T Richard tells me that once he retires I should have a T .. I always say I wont find another "Richard" and I have Zero desire to regurgitate my life, He said I dont have too .. If I'm struggle with X thenwork on X !

I dunno I think when Richard retires I'll retire too !

Are you still sleeping okay? ( havent made it to the insomnia thread yet )

Thanks for asking about Steve Today has been a really hard day for him, I'm hoping tomorrow is better

I dont have any magical words. But sending you giant hugs

Well I woke up yesterday to day 4 of a horrible sore throat, didnt even look red ,no fever, Normal high Fibro pain..

I was heading into town as I had a T phone session. I called my GP's office, they faxed an order to the Hospital for a COVID test..Walked in the hospital door and a nurse in PPE asked why I was there I said Order for Covid, He asked for my phone number and asked me to wait outside and they would call to verify my insurance info and contact info, Took 30 seconds, I hang up and heres a nurse is walking out to swab me, She said Okay we will send your result to your Doctor in 2 hours. I had my phone session and got the call I was Negative!!! So huge relief !

I started Metformin 5-6 days ago , In hope that it would budge off some of this damn Psych med weight off .. So I stopped it of course. My Throat doesn't look red no white areas.. So hopefully just the Med as it is a " possible" side effects.

When I got home,,, Steve was so confused I had made him unsweet tea with my coffee pot then we transfer it to the gallon jug. Well he had zero idea where it is, He said he poured it into a jug but it wasn't the right one, He was really agitated. I looked all over inside and out ,,, Nope no gallon of Tea, I said Ill make more its no big deal...

He was just really so damn confused about anything, He couldnt think of how to send a text to his middle son that I got my covid test in 2 hours and he ( in miami) is still waiting 8 days now. I told him to set his alarm after dinner 1.5 hours so he can recheck is Blood sugar .. His alarm went off but he had no idea why.. He had trouble getting the strip in the right way, he finally got it in, He then started to get up and I said,, No you have to nebulize... Hes just really having a hard time today

I have to go 1.5 hours North to see my Rhuemy tomorrow morning and get lab work done. I really hope Steve is better tomorrow...He was getting angry because he just was struggling to find words today..

The Ambein helped me again last night , artificial sleep sucks but at least I am knock out for a while

Hugs to all in need

Albert wanted to party a little before 4, unfortunately, so, I am up. I needed more sleep, but...

27 miles on the bike yesterday. Forced myself to do it. Totally did not want to, but it did make me feel a little better. Gorgeous day, tons of people on the river being happy. Babies and puppies and stuff. It helps, it does. Quite obvious I am in a depression phase. Guess it is not surprising, as I was manic for so long.

Whatever, Albert says hi to Hush. He has never met a doggie. Not sure that would go so hot...

If you are still questioning whether the president is a sociopath,I urge you to read Mary Trump's book.. It is beyond staggering and explains quite well how his parents totally neglected him as a child. Very sad. He has been incredibly cruel to other people and a proud liar his entire life. Mary Trump says the reason he lies so much and about basically everything at all times is that he finds it enjoyable to deceive others. He derives pleasure from it. Tremendous pleasure, actually. Lots of stories about this from her. He is a scumbag. VOTE!!!!!!!!

Gonna try to make this day work. Gotta go to the bike shop. Got a flat, tneed to fix that, then. will ride again. See if that can get some happy chemicals or whatever going. Not sure what else to do. I could be headed for Ketamine, which I totally cannot afford.i am already spending $300 a month on meds and it is killing us. Killing us. Trilafon generic here is nearly $100 a month. Ugh. Meds or food?Meds always wins...

Christina, I really hope Steve feels better and gets more oriented today and that your COVID test was neg.

Love and hugs to all!!!!!!