Bipolar check-in #48

My Charlie cat just died in my arms. It's too awful to explain. He's been sick for a few days but got much worse over night. I feel awful, like I may have missed him getting worse because I was so sedated by the clozapine dose. I'm going to miss him so much. He was only 3.

I'm so sorry, Rainbow.

I know you recently lost both of your other cats 3 years ago as well, and I know how much your cats mean to you.

Please do take care of yourself. You were a good mom to Charlie, based on what I've read here.

I'm so sorry for your loss Beyond. You've been through a lot lately and definitely didn't need this. Sending hugs

I woke up way too fn early and I have free time so of course my f'd up mind can't think about anything but getting high. I know to keep busy but I have no idea what to do. I can't even listen to music anymore (my usual go-to) because sounds are bothering me. If that's the case I don't know how work will go today as it's a ****ing amusement park.

Oh, BeyondtheRainbow, I am so very sorry. Be gentle with yourself. Things happen. Please don't guilt yourself.

Pets are family members, you love them unconditionally with your heart so I know it must hurt so much. You shouldn’t blame yourself, which I know in hindsight is hard. You didn’t make your cat sick or create the illness. I know you feel responsible but you loved and took care of your cat the best you could and I’m sure he/she was loved and well taken care of.

From experience, I know how hard it is to lose a pet. I know it’s nowhere near the same, but with my divorce my ex got to keep Biscuit (the dog). I literally cried for days knowing I’d never see her again and how much I love her... it was even harder because out of that marriage she’s the only one who loved me back and without ulterior motives or judgement.

I’ll be thinking about you. I just wanted to say it’s clear from even your post you loved your cat and hindsight is 20/20, you were a good owner.

Last night I may or may not have called my sister and sent a letter through Facebook to my brother with an emotional plea to forgive me. (ok, I did.) I’m a bit embarrassed by it today but I feel it’s off my chest now, so that’s good.

Without getting into it, I realize my siblings are right and I’m more like mom than I would like to be — the good and bad and knowing how I’ve hurt, it kills me to think I’ve hurt them like mom does: I know my brother especially feels that way. I was too much of a coward to call him and I made an excuse it was late and I didn’t want to wake him (which is true; but I was Just evading having to hear his response in real time with his own voice). I told him that, too.

Anyway; I’m not close with my siblings and I’ve no want to try again.. I hate that I feel that way but I do. But they deserve better than how I’ve treated them over the years and I wanted them to know how deeply sorry I was.

I guess I did the right thing and it came from a good place but I’m afraid I caused more concern. It may read like a bedside confession and it’ll be my last. I mean that’s easily cleared up but I’m afraid it’s gonna cause more problems than it solves now. I mean my siblings haven’t been around mom in a constant setting like I have in 10+ years, or know how I am affected or anything about my life: My brother hasn’t replied but he has seen the message so that’s good. I was worried he wouldn’t because I don’t use Facebook so I don’t have him as a friend there and I thought they might scrap it and put it in “requested messages” or whatever. He works early so he probably saw it but didn’t have a chance to reply (or even read it!
At the end of the day, my goal was to apologize for hurting them, especially considering what we’ve been through and come from. I hope that was clear as my intent.

Oh, Beyond, I am so sorry. Heartbreaking. Hugs and love!!!

Way behind on reading. Struggling with depression still. Have a phone meeting with healthcare lawyer about my book this morning, so, that is good, but somehow have to summone the energy for it, and I don't have any.

Hugs to all.

I'm so, so sorry. I'm glad that he was in your arms though. I have two 3 year old cats as well and I cannot imagine.

Take good care of yourself.

I'm so sorry BeyondtheRainbow.

I feel fine today. A bit anxious but not too bad, probably caffeine related. I had some black tea, a Mountain Dew, and then this weird drink called mountain Zevia which was like a sparkling Mountain Dew. But I am doing fine overall. I’m trying to stay inside for the next several days.

I can’t remember if I took my meds or not. I know I took my Geodon. I’m trying to figure out based on my hunger signals. I am kind of hungry but not ravenous the way I was yesterday. This short term memory loss from my Xanax is really starting to become an issue.

@BeyondtheRainbow: So very sorry about your cat.

sorry about your cat beyondtherainbow

Thanks everyone for all the supportive messages today. It's been a long, hard day and I'm just looking forward to going to bed and sleeping. I am just so sad.

Having a really anxious day today.

Closest ive been to a panic attack in a while.

I'm gonna eat supper and then head to bed, meds are already taken

,

Ohhh hun I am so sorry you lost Charlie. I doubt there was anything you could have done, Try not to beat yourself up.. Grieve the loss. My heart is breaking for you

Sorry , Noone needed to read that rant..

Hugs to all

Got my new iPad. Trying to figure it out. Still can’t post pictures. But hey I can read the news now without it reloading then freezes. Ehh so so the learning curve is steep

Beyondthe rainbow,
so sorry...glad you were there for the kitty. It is no wonder why you are sad, I am sad for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I’m so sorry for your loss. My condolences.

The Wellbutrin must be already working. I feel amazing right now. I’m in close contact with both my therapist and my NP right now for monitoring.

Spent all day zenning out in the pool. I’m a little burned but so relaxed. I even had a young man at the pool bring me a red rose! Very thoughtful and appreciated.

I need to make up my mind about going back up to visit my daughter. I took extreme precautions the first time and got lucky. Could I do it again? I do really want to see her.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

I'm so tired. I've been up since 5:15 but I just can't relax. When I do the last few minutes of my cat's life are there and I can't get rid of them. His sister is kind of bewildered which isn't helping. They never were apart more than 3 hours so she is looking for him.

I'm hoping the clozapine kicks in soon. I took a shower hoping that would help me relax.

This is just hard. I had no idea he was as sick as he was; neither did the vet who examined him Tuesday. But he went downhill really, really fast. That helps to know he only struggled for about 30 minutes. I wish it had been without any struggling but brief is better than a long time.

We need an emergency vet clinic nearer to here. They are 60plus minutes away and it was obvious he wasn't going to make it that far plus the one I talked to would just admit him, charge a big fee and then parcel him out to a community vet when they closed right after we got there. I would have done that but I didn't have time.

Time to eat something and maybe, maybe sleep.

@BeyondtheRainbow Im sorry for your loss of your kitty. HUGS

I called about an apartment today. I also wrote an email to my penpal since lots is going on. I opened the box my new cpap mask came in and tonight is my first night using it. So far it fits but as it ages it will start to leak and be annoying. I wish my insurance would pay for one every 6 months instead of once a year. These parts just weren't made to last that long.

Here it is 2:46 and Im still awake. Combination of sleeping in and drinking too much caffeine I think. I haven't been on a walk in two weeks! For shame...

I have been getting things done lately which makes me feel good. What makes me feel bad is that I didn't tell my pdoc that I stopped the seroquel- I wonder if my case manager told her so she was waiting for me to say something.

Life without N3 is strange, hard and lonely. I know he's just a 10-minute drive away but I miss seeing him in the mornings and planning our day together. He does need to spend some time here soon though because his rooms are messy - including his bathroom- and we always have an inspection in the summer sometime.