Bipolar Check-In #49

Came back from a week of caring for my mother who fractured her ankle in two places from a fall. Problem is, she also has MS so her other leg is too weak to help her transfer to her wheelchair. So she's bedridden.

I've barely slept for a week. She had me up like a yo-yo ever 2-4 minutes doing stuff for her (LITERALLY, I am not exaggerating). Up and down during the ngiht. She could be very abusive. I was also sometimes very cranky due to lack of sleep and her lack of boundaries, which is legend.

I still haven't slept much because she called and woke me up last night after I had fallen asleep, and then called and woke me up early this morning.

I finally got 24/7 care set up for her. I was there when her first caregiver arrived. Turned out she spoke and understood very very little English. they couldn't understand each other. It took a while, but I got her someone else. I just called and she said she got a new person and she likes her.

Now that she has care, I want out of her life. It was hell. Hell. Hell.

No self care

No time to myself

as I said, she could be very abusive. Not surprising given her history and persoanlity (ditto lack of boundaries).

My brother refuses to help.

I hope I can pick myself up from this crater.

I have therapy this morning. I missed last week because I was with my mother. I hope it helps. I'm so asleep, my mind is mush, I don't know if it will help, but I hope so.

Thanks for reading.

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Originally Posted by Gabyunbound Came back from a week of caring for my mother ...

I was my mom's caregiver for years. She was also completely self-centered. I really feel for you

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom ...I think being smart and having cognitive issues doesn't connect with her view of MI. We'll see. ...

That can be a big problem, and even an obstacle to good care. When the "executive personality" is smart and strong, and has self-awareness, many mental health providers are confused.

Hi all,

Feeling very nauseous and disoriented today.

My doc started me on Naltrexone about two months ago. This was administered to help curb my addictions, to sugar and alcohol.

It worked like a charm for the first 6 weeks. I was waking up at 6am each day, refreshed, and enthusiastic about taking on the day. I'd get up, sit outside for a half hour, drink morning coffee and read a variety of books (some motivational / self help, some history). This was because I refrained from my usual nightly routine of downing 3-4 gin and tonics, and wharfing down 4 cookies / .5 pint of Ben & Jerry's. Also, I reduced my reading of news b/c all I read was negative - COVID-19, racial unrest, Trump still being president, etc.

About two weeks ago it felt like everything came to a crashing halt. I started sliding back into having 4-5 cookies (although abstinence from alcohol has been fairly easy). And now, I do get up, but when I get to my desk to do work I am very disinterested, and it takes me a long time to get in the groove.

I've gone through this many times in the past, although it was far more extreme. I'd go about six months of a manic episode, with unbridled creativity and boundless energy. Then, I'd either crash, or get disheartened after a family member / colleage would make an idle disparaging comment.

My plan is the following:
- Wake up every morning no later than 6:30am. Continue association of this habit with pleasure. Helps me get a jump on the day, to get my bearings and "feed my head."
- Stick with Naltrexone. Focus on how far it's helped me come in 6 weeks. For most of my life, alcohol and sugar were my go-to avenues for self-medication
- Continue abstinence from sugar. This is from associating consumption with pain.
- Continue abstinence from alcohol. Honestly, the smell / taste of red wine or gin (my "poison" of choice) makes me ill. I'll maybe have a glass of wine with dinner on the weekends, but stop after 1.
- Continue self-affirmations, and remind myself of the progress.

Ok back to the grind. Thanks for being a good sounding board. Hope this helps some of you; feel free to weigh in as you see fit.

Have an extraordinary day!

I'm glad to read that you finally found decent care for your mother. You do need to take proper care of yourself, too. My family can relate to the situation you describe. It's hard, but I truly agree that: you must step away if your health is suffering.

Well Latuda put me into Akathesia hell so I'm dumping that garbage, no more. EVER !

In other news Steve has been working on building a additional wall support to hang the tankless water heater from. Then he can determine The piping he needs to get it all hooked up and light it up ~

This is a job 5 years ago he could have it done in a day.. Our lives have changed so much.

I got his Sleep study for the 26th, must get Covid test on 21st. and we have appt with Dietitian on the 18th

I havent had time to paint due to akathesia so that annoys me, but if I try ill make a mess of it.. So Xanax , Lamictal and Doxepin will be it !

Hugs everyone~

Your plan sounds great, dsmith. So is your accomplish thus far. I'm very glad to read that you have not picked up the alcohol again. It sounds like the naltrexone has helped so much with that.

Have you let your therapist and psychiatrist know about your change in mood? I'm not sure naltrexone is of much help with that. I assume you take some bipolar medication(s), too? Please don't be too hard on yourself about the slip with the cookies. Just get back to the plan immediately. Please seek the support to do so.

I don't blame you for stopping a medication that causes akathisia. That was one of the most horrible side effects I had. Definitely no need for it, unless it's some wonder drug. I've read others write that they got akathisia from Latuda. I took Latuda for a while, but at a very low dose. It wasn't my med either.

I'm still happy to read that Steve is doing much better than he was. It's a relief to read that he's doing chores/projects rather than suffering in bed.

So sorry, Beth. Did you tell the pdoc? Sounds like an adjustment may be needed.

Hugs.

You are doing great, dsmith. I was on naltrexone for yrs. It certainly worked, though I did get psychotic on on it. Worst psychosis ever.

I would only add that if you have trouble staying at one glass of wine, the alcohol issue is likely more serious than you are lending it.

Hugs!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by dsmith .... I'll maybe have a glass of wine with dinner on the weekends, but stop after 1. - Continue self-affirmations, and remind myself of the progress. Ok back to the grind. Thanks for being a good sounding board. Hope this helps some of you; feel free to weigh in as you see fit. Have an extraordinary day!

Hi dsmith, The plan sounds excellent. But why the wine? It seems it would be easier to completely cut all alcohol out. And the wine is sugar, too.

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Originally Posted by bpcyclist So sorry, Beth. Did you tell the pdoc? Sounds like an adjustment may be needed. Hugs.

Thank you, bpc

I usually see my pdoc once/week, but she's on vacation this week. If this paranoia keeps on I'll talk with her at our appointment on Tuesday.

Yeah, that's it. Sorry about the spelling.

I'll do the 25 mg for two weeks and stop afterwards. I need my sleep, even if disturbed.

Okay, well, hugs.

Just ran 6 and a-half miles. Yay! Super slow but do not care. Just trying for happy chemicals. It is working hooray! So proud of me for trying so hard to help myself. One thing I am not is a giver upper.

Hugs.

I got my piercing done! Was feeling especially low and uncomfortable due to SH urges, so I figured that was a better way. Only problem is, I can’t see it! It’s an inner ear piercing (daith) and the piercer put a small barbell in instead of a ring. It’s so small it’s buried in my ear! I can’t even see it in the mirror. But it’s ok, after about six months I can change it to a ring if I want. And just knowing it’s there is good for me.

I also made an appointment to cover up the Harry Potter tattoo I got last year with a different Harry Potter tattoo. The one I have had a quote, but the writing is so damn small you can’t even read it. So I’m covering the quote up and I will get the quote bigger on the other arm eventually.

I got a call from one of my coworkers telling me the school plan is in email, but I can’t remember the username to my email, since I haven’t checked it since June. She left a voicemail so I sent her a text asking her to tell me the username structure (we all have the same structure, just using our own name) so I can check. I’m quite anxious to know what’s going on.

It’s been a long long night. For what it’s worth I only spent about half my shift actually working so that’s the plus side— bad side is I spent half my shift fighting a panic attack and being ungodly anxious, worried and upset.

So TMI, but I’ve been having some digestive issues. We can leave it at that. And at work the other I had to use the bathroom. Yes of coarse brought my time off task pretty high. So as expected and I was talk to you about my time off task and asked you know what was going on. I explained I had bathroom issues. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s not a you’re fired kind of situation, in fact my manager has little to do with it anyway but he’s the one who talks to you about it but long story short it’s not that big of a deal. So while it is important and while there is technically paperwork involved etc. It essentially is acknowledging I had a lot of time “off task”.

That part went fine that part wasn’t so frustrating it was the part that came towards the end that really got me upset. Keep in mind I’ve never worked a job where I didn’t have more autonomy than I do here and I don’t know the protocols and it’s something I’m learning to to work through. It’s not like you I’ve had much training in general about how to handle situations outside of pick a damn item and put it in the cart.
Keep in mind I’ve never worked a job where I didn’t have more autonomy than I do here and I don’t know the protocols and it’s something I’m learning to to work through. It’s not like you I’ve had much training in general about how to handle situations outside of pick a damn item and put it in the cart.
The manager, Who I met for the first time yesterday I didn’t know his name or face and he’s my main manager, wanted to know why I didn’t come to him with this problem yesterday. It was less asking and him asserting I should have. When I tried to gently express I’m new, I didn’t know I was supposed to tell him, I didn’t know where to find him, and I’ve never seen him before in the month I’ve been there and it’s a personal issue so it’s not exactly rolling off my tongue to define a stranger to tell.When I tried to gently express I’m new, I didn’t know I was supposed to tell him, I didn’t know where to find him, and I’ve never seen him before in the month I’ve been there and it’s a personal issue so it’s not exactly rolling off my tongue to define a stranger to tell. I think he saw me saying that as a reflection of him and him doing his job, because he goes into this rant about how he has 300 people he hast to manage and he can’t know there’s a problem unless someone says something and I should’ve asked anybody wearing a vest to help find him and blah blah blah. His point doesn’t negate mine and I hope that he realizes that I wasn’t trying to do that but it got to the point where it’s escalating in the escalating to the point that it’s just not successfully communicating at all. His point doesn’t negate mine and I hope that he realizes that I wasn’t trying to do that but it got to the point where it’s escalating in the escalating to the point that it’s just not successfully communicating at all. He actually said “I think you’re being disrespectful to me”, at which point I said I am feeling very uncomfortable with this conversation is it possible we could finish this up?” because we write down all the paperwork And we were just “talking” as he said. Well that pissed him off. He said “well since you feel that way or just let HR handle it. You can go.” Very hateful. I took that as he wouldn’t advocate for me.

The building is massive, I had to get help to find him because he was in an area I’ve never been in, there are all these markings with arrows on the floor in different markings And they are very adamant about following that the correct path during Covid. Now I can follow and arrow, but they are areas that are unmarked and I’m not sure how to get to them from where I’m standing and I don’t wanna be yelled at. I’m done with directions and I’m bad at navigating those are two of my biggest flaws. We’ve had that conversation so when I was trying to leave all arrows are pointing back at me and there’s no way to get out. So I asked do you mind helping me navigate out of here. and they are very adamant about following that the correct path during Covid. Now I can follow an arrow, but there are areas that are unmarked and I’m not sure how to get to them from where I’m standing and I don’t want to be yelled at. I am done with directions and I’m bad at navigating those are two of my biggest flaws. We’ve had that conversation so when I was trying to leave all arrows are pointing back at me and there is no way to get out. So I asked do you mind helping me navigate out of here The asshole had the audacity to say to me “you’ve been here over three weeks and you can’t follow arrows?” , surprisingly I didn’t freak out on him but I did comment. “ Well, all these arrows are pointing towards me and there are X’s the floor and there’s these tick marks that I still know what they mean because no one’s explain them so if you wouldn’t mind just kind of guiding me I’d appreciate it.” He did everything but hold my hand in a condescending way and then lead me out. He asserted very rudely “stay 6 ft apart!”, I said “is there a visual way to gauge that distance? I’m not sure how to..” he stopped me “I’ll keep the distance, don’t worry about it.”

It was a very uncomfortable experience. I went to HR and got a complaint form and filled it out and I begged to talk to somebody because I couldn’t go back to work until I had a conversation. I ended up talking to the head of operations. And I explained everything since day one the issues I’ve been having and how I’ve not had a very good experience. He understood and for the first time I felt like somebody was listening to me. We’re gonna work things out about getting some accommodation done for starters. He is the boss of my manager and so he’s going to talk to him about how he made me feel. I did ask him not to be too hard on him. Because during the conversation intent to understand and into D escalate the situation was happening on both sides, it’s kind of fell through and at the end he got very frustrated and that’s where things got to go out of hand. Frustration I can handle because I get frustrated as well. But the last comment he made me were uncalled for and Preyed to my insecurities

For what it’s worth, later that night I’m assuming at his own volition he apologize for the way that things happened and he hopes that I feel comfortable coming to him when I have an issue. Truth is, I don’t. I’ve had enough bad experiences there that I just don’t. But the operations manager told me that we work the same schedule and if I ever need to talk about anything he’ll help me. It was nice to just have somebody acknowledged what I was saying. He thinks that both managers poorly handled my situation since day 1.

I just find that everyone is so quick to try to place blame on someone. I mean my third day of work my static schedule which I had to agree and sign to that’s not supposed to change, was changed and I got penalized for being “late” by 15 minutes by being 30 minutes early. There was no notification or warning in any documented or oral form. Well I did finally get that fixed and it wasn’t a big deal after speaking to six people, I did what I was asked to do and go to my area manager and express my issue with that. He didn’t conclude his statement until he told me that it is my responsibility to check my schedule. As well intentioned is that, it may have been a piss me off. It was my third day of work my schedule is not supposed to change I’m not supposed to anticipate changes that are that are out in left field. I wasn’t to blame for that situation! You cannot hold somebody accountable for something when there’s no documentation stating! Ugh!

I still harbor some pretty serious issues with the way that things went down. To be honest, I do not foresee a future here and I don’t see myself lasting much longer I am already looking for another job because I don’t think that this is gonna be a good fit.

I’m using text to speech so hopefully this makes sense on my phone. Just wanted to fill you guys in. It was a long long night, but at least I was able to vent to someone who truly listened to what I had to say. I felt heard for the first time since I’ve been there.

I cancelled my diagnostic test and the following surgeon’s visit. I was too scared of COVID. I’ll stay away from the news for awhile and try again in a few weeks.

Warmest regards.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist Just ran 6 and a-half miles. Yay! Super slow but do not care. Just trying for happy chemicals. It is working hooray! So proud of me for trying so hard to help myself. One thing I am not is a giver upper. Hugs.

That is great! YAY bpc!

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Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius It’s been a long long night. .....

MA, have you considered applying for SSDI or SSI? It sounds to me like working is more stressful for you than helpful at this time.

You are persevering, That is the important thing. Good job!!

Hugs.

I think I’m having a rough time because my therapist is on vacation. That’s honestly the only thing I can think of. My anxiety and moods are not not even that bad. I’ve just been having this really really bad sensory overload all day. It makes me want to go to the hospital though. I’ve been under my 20 pound weighted blanket for 20 minutes and I’m not getting any relief.

What about an online therapy appt in the mean time, MD?

Downloaded an App called My Therapy.
Not only does it remind me to take my meds, records my appointments and keeps inventory of my meds... It also requires that I confirm whether I have taken or skipped the dosage.

It's a cool app, you can even share it with a loved one or your Dr to keep them in the loop...

It can also track things like weight, blood pressure and who knows what else.

I have hope this will help me stay compliant.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I got my piercing done! Was feeling especially low and uncomfortable due to SH urges, so I figured that was a better way. Only problem is, I can’t see it! It’s an inner ear piercing (daith) and the piercer put a small barbell in instead of a ring. It’s so small it’s buried in my ear! I can’t even see it in the mirror. But it’s ok, after about six months I can change it to a ring if I want. And just knowing it’s there is good for me. Congratulations! I like a daith piercing. Yeah...that first few months is hard to wait through. But knowing it's there is definitely a good feeling. The only piercing I have (besides standard ears) is a nostril piercing. I've had my nostril double-pierced two times, but both times it wouldn't stop being infected. Disappointing. But I have a lot of tattoos! Arms, hands, lower legs. I also made an appointment to cover up the Harry Potter tattoo I got last year with a different Harry Potter tattoo. The one I have had a quote, but the writing is so damn small you can’t even read it. So I’m covering the quote up and I will get the quote bigger on the other arm eventually. Great! I got a call from one of my coworkers telling me the school plan is in email, but I can’t remember the username to my email, since I haven’t checked it since June. She left a voicemail so I sent her a text asking her to tell me the username structure (we all have the same structure, just using our own name) so I can check. I’m quite anxious to know what’s going on. Ugh. Passwords

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