Bipolar Check-In #49

My mom called and said she talked with her neighbor and got some good info about housing.

I took a 3 hour nap. It felt good at the time. I dreamed that I lost my phone though. And now I'm wide awake at 9:45 p.m.

I do have an inspection coming up in 3 weeks. I gotta start scrubbing this place down! I thought they said they weren't doing inspections this year.

N3 took me and his girlfriend out to eat for lunch today. It used up nearly all of my fat and calories for the day. But it was good! The waitress said I sound like her late aunt used to when I speak. She seemed to like the way my voice sounds. Ive always thought my voice was strange even as a kid. My voice was very low for a kid when I was 2- my dad says its from having a breathing tube on a ventilator when I was born. I had a higher voice as a kid compared to now of course but it was still low. Oh yeah- if you didn't know, I was born at 31 weeks back in 1972 so I was high risk- they gave me a 2% chance of living. I think this was mostly because I had part of my bowel die and had to have surgery to remove the dead section at 2 days old.

So there you go. Somethings you probably didn't know about me.

Ok ok ok. I think I’m on my way to figuring out the childcare situation. My mother in law will likely be able to take my son for two days a week, and my mom is going to ask her employer to reduce her hours. This is actually a blessing for her - she absolutely hates her job and is looking for a reason to quit. She just doesn’t feel physically or mentally capable of working anymore. So if this works out, she will be happier.

She gave me a heartfelt mini-speech on the phone. While she didn’t outright say it, I took it as an apology for how she treated me as a child and even into adulthood. She’s never acknowledged her less than stellar parenting. I’m happy. Even if she can’t work it out, just hearing her say that she wants to do better for my son and support me and my family NOW is heartening.

I can breathe easier, knowing I most likely won’t have to quit.

You are a miracle.

*
****ing American healthcare!!!! I just read a story where someone in Germany spent a week in the hospital on IV antibiotics and he only ended up with a 13 euro bill. Why tf are so many Americans against universal healthcare??? Because it’s “socialism” and socialism = communism aka the devil? ****!

How high are the taxes? I've always been curious how high they are in countries with universal healthcare to be able to form an opinion.

Just had a 5 hour panic attack. Having these sucks!

Don't you have meds for them?

No, remember, I was taken off lorazepam and they wont put me back on it. I'm on various meds for anxiety and sleep. They don't help...

Had a good visit with my pdoc. He wants me to scale back my gabapentin a little bit. He had mentioned possibly taking me off Latuda and putting me on Wellbutrin, but we didn't do it yet. I have to go get some bloodwork done. I'm almost scared to change meds. I don't want to lose my stability. I think part of the reason why Wellbutrin is that it's supposed to help with smoking too. I have precancerous cells in my mouth caused by smoking so the smoking is kind of an issue.

Good luck with the med change, scatterbrained. I've been on wellbutrin for years and like it.

Ugh. BDD is in full force today. Like I just keep wanting to cry. But no can do. Not only am I having to work, but I'm having to work solo, which I really don't like. (The person I normally work with is off due to close contact with someone being tested for covid. Which, yeah... stress. I feel just fine. More worried about any topsy-turvy a bad test result could precipitate.)

Lots of hugs, my peeps!

(Oh, and p.s., today is supposed to go to 101. I LOATHE the heat. Summer altogether, really. It's worse for the BDD too. Fabulous...
I know -- waaa - waaa )