Bipolar Check-In #49

To be honest I’m wondering if what I’m feeling is maybe physical. If I don’t feel the need to take a Xanax then it’s good chance it’s physical. I have no self control and I’ll take a Xanax every time I’m feeling something emotionally. I’ve heard of people taking pills and then overdosing and having reactions 2 days later but I’m not sure how common that is.

But maybe I need to tell someone I took 50 milligrams of melatonin in 24 hours even if it was a couple nights ago.

Maybe so, MD.

Hugs.

My husband does not wish to bring checked luggage for our 3-week trip abroad. Only carry ons. He's already starting to lay out some of the clothes he wishes to bring. I'm shaking my head. I expect that he will not only have his carry-on and personal item, but take up some of mine, too. He'll surely be desperate about not being able to bring all he wants. We've been married over 23 years and every time we've traveled by air someone stares at our luggage assuming most all of it is mine. So untrue! I could literally live out of a back pack for travels, unlike him.

Our stupid medications, alone, are going to take up a lot of space. There's no way I'm bringing all of the bottles. I have always traveled with filled pill boxes, and had no problems, but never for as long as three weeks. Plus, my husband's piles of medications have grown a lot over the years. It's ridiculous! I think I'm going to simply print out the list of my medications from a patient portal website.

For some reason, every time I fly, TSA always scans my hands for some chemical. I don't know what sets it off. I guess meds are oozing out of my pores. I don't make bombs. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed To be honest I’m wondering if what I’m feeling is maybe physical. If I don’t feel the need to take a Xanax then it’s good chance it’s physical. I have no self control and I’ll take a Xanax every time I’m feeling something emotionally. I’ve heard of people taking pills and then overdosing and having reactions 2 days later but I’m not sure how common that is. But maybe I need to tell someone I took 50 milligrams of melatonin in 24 hours even if it was a couple nights ago.

Md, I do believe that talking with someone would be a good idea. Is there anyone you can talk with while your T is away?

A stunning morning! We're having a fierce heat wave right now; yesterday was 111 degrees. Our nights are usually cool, even chilly, and even in the summer. Not so last night, it was a hot, stuffy night and by 8:30 this morning the temperature was 84 degrees. The sky was cloudy, very dark and suddenly it began to rain! Not only rain, but thunder! People were outside taking it all in, sight and smell, because we're in drought mode again this year and rain in the summer here is next to unheard of even when we're not having a drought.

It was all quite spectacular!

The concern, however, is that there has been lightning in various regions, which often causes our notorious wildfires.

I actually feel kinda bad right now because she replied to an email even though she said she wasn’t going to. And now I feel like I disrupted her vacation. I know it was her choice to look at it and stuff. She said she was getting something from her email and had seen mine. But my 2 emails were pretty long and I get that she didn’t have to open and read them. But I still feel pretty guilty about it.

I just plain don’t feel good physically tonight.

Quick good news report -- the coworker's SO treated negative for covid. (Positive for flu, which is a drag, but much, much better than the topsy-turvy a covid would have precipitated).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I actually feel kinda bad right now because she replied to an email even though she said she wasn’t going to. And now I feel like I disrupted her vacation. I know it was her choice to look at it and stuff. She said she was getting something from her email and had seen mine. But my 2 emails were pretty long and I get that she didn’t have to open and read them. But I still feel pretty guilty about it. I just plain don’t feel good physically tonight.

Whenever I try to caretake my therapist she acts somewhat insulted. She says she's worked hard to learn to take care of herself and does so quite well, thank you.

Anyone who becomes a therapist needs to practice self-care or they'd burn out and fall apart all the time. Your T said it was okay to email her, so you have to take her at her word; you have nothing else to go on. Let her handle the rest.

Maybe you don't feel well, Md, because you keep taking all that melatonin, my dear. Throw the stuff out or something. You really, really need to stop taking it.

Ask your dentist about an appliance for your sleep apnea. If you reduce your apnea you will reduce your anxiety.

I'm getting better. Still depressed but better. I'm a little sad seeing everyone move into the dorms and become independent. I know every situation is different but he's fighting us on growing up. He's all set to start school online. However he wont drive, volunteer, or do anything that's not 100% necessary. He even got offered a job today and elected not to go shadow. I know his path is different and he needs more time to grow but it's just hard. He didn't even complete his summer project or his summer volunteering. He is moving forward but very slowly. Don't get me wrong I'm not in any rush to see him move out. I would like him to drive, leave the house sometimes, and things like that.

Glad you are feeling better MM. I'm not a parent but I would guess that are a lot of parents with similar worries. I know one of my cousin's children had to be forced to learn to drive before college.

Is he online because of COVID or by choice? If by choice maybe next semester he can try an in-person class and just slowly get into it. Maybe he'll click with a professor or make a friend in the online group and that might help him.

Might want to bring proof of those meds' identity. I got hassled in Australia once. Not sure what they were thinking.

I feel tired and discouraged. I gave up on mindfulness meditation. The book turned into a sea of words and i couldn't cope with it. I spent most of the weekend in bed. I feel calm tho. That's nice. I stayed up til 2:00am on Friday rereading my favorite short story called "The Depressed Person" which can be found here. I had a nice time. The author is so savage and aggressive and mercilessly funny! I love it!

Is he online because of COVID or by choice? He picked an online major, originally he was going to live in the dorms, then on his own with friends and now he's home because of covid and finances. If he wants to commute to class he needs to drive. He's a hard "I'm not going anywhere until covid is over" I can't blame him he has severe asthma and sleep apnea. However there's things he can do online. I'm not asking him to work but to volunteer in some fashion long term to get use to having long term commitment. He is planing on joining groups and I'll be happy with that. It's just a rough start.

I have decided to put my son in therapy. After a fight between him and RS, I think it’s a good idea. RS got a little heated and left the house to go to the convenience store without telling either of us where he was going and my son flipped out thinking he was never coming back. He came back in a few minutes and it was revealed that they had a fight about my son being rude and refusing to clean his room. This is an ongoing thing, which is why RS was frustrated, though he acknowledged that he overreacted a bit.

Anyway, since COVID started my son has become increasingly anxious about death and dying. I have noticed him having the exact same thoughts I used to have as a child. Like exactly. Being afraid of an illness killing me, thinking every ache or pain was a brain tumor or something other sign of death, and the constant worry that my only living parent may not return one day. I do not want this for him.

On a Donwton Abbey marathon. Never seen it. So crazy good!!

One week into a bad chronic fatigue syndrome flare-up. My head feels like it is being crushed by a vice, I am dizzy all the time, and of course exhausted. It is incredibly debilitating and demoralising. My Mum had to come over to change my sheets as I don't have the capacity to even do that. I don't want to live like this. This is not a life worth living. Medicine has no answers. All I can do is rest and wait in hope I feel better before I snap out of despair.

This coming Saturday I have an initial appointment with a new pdoc as my old one retired suddenly. Hopefully, I will have more energy by then as it involves an hour round trip drive, and an hour of explaining my mental illness, trauma, and physical illness history. I also need him to understand I need a very slow long taper off high doses of benzodiazepines. Also, I hope he agrees to bulk-bill me so I have no gap payment. Otherwise it will cost $240. I can't afford that every 4-6 weeks.

Sigh, I am struggling. Really struggling.

Not doing great. Couldn’t sleep all day despite not being able to get help with my car cause it was Sunday. Every time I closed my eyes I had nightmares. I know rationally it’s probably not as serious as it feels but I am so upset unsure how to proceed forward. I’m anxious and nervous and crying a lot and having very very bad thoughts about making it end (not suicidal, but desperate and panicky like that). I feel so alone and I am tired of playing. I just want it to end.

I can’t calm down or get myself to feel better for longer than a few moments. It’s intense. I know I need help but don’t know where to find it or if anyone would even be willing. (Professional help, help getting back to my car— getting a tire, helping me change it etc.). I literally have spent a whole day crying and living in a state of panic. Do you know how to affects someone? This isn’t ok!!!!

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

@MarcusAurelius I hope you are sleeping by now. It's 4:30 a.m. No one should have to feel the way you described.

I went to sleep about 2 and now am wide awake. Yesterday, I slept until 3 p.m. I guess that's the problem.

@Moose72 still wide awake, sadly. Looks like we’re gonna be in the cool insomnia club before we know it haha.

update on the wasp situation: they are still very much alive!.

when I walked in to the lounge this morning, I couldn't see them or hear them, but when I turned on the light I saw that they were hiding in the light switch!. I ran out their as fast as I could go. such a scary situation!. and I generally thought they had gone yesterday

new week, same ****

plans for today: nothing, and unless anything changes, it's that all week.

Right? I hope i can sleep tonight.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I have decided to put my son in therapy. After a fight between him and RS, I think it’s a good idea. RS got a little heated and left the house to go to the convenience store without telling either of us where he was going and my son flipped out thinking he was never coming back. He came back in a few minutes and it was revealed that they had a fight about my son being rude and refusing to clean his room. This is an ongoing thing, which is why RS was frustrated, though he acknowledged that he overreacted a bit. Anyway, since COVID started my son has become increasingly anxious about death and dying. I have noticed him having the exact same thoughts I used to have as a child. Like exactly. Being afraid of an illness killing me, thinking every ache or pain was a brain tumor or something other sign of death, and the constant worry that my only living parent may not return one day. I do not want this for him.

Poor kid. I think getting him into therapy is an excellent idea.

Marcus, did u contact Nammi? Maybe they cld help u.

Hugs.

Here it is noon and I'm wide awake and cleaning the apartment!