Bipolar Check-In #49

yesterday I had a mcdonalds. it was lovely, in fact: the best meal I've had all week (sad really, but that's how it is)

feeling mainly depressed today, but the good bits are that it's a lot cooler (the heatwave is weakening which is great news for my pain), and I've done some self-care. eat fruit salad, drink water, clean clothes..

I'm dealing with hour long panic attacks. Its destroying my life.

My son is completely out of control. He has schizoaffective disorder and OCD. Hes washing his hands like probably 50 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. He takes forever to do anything. Oh so much. Hes on invega, perphenazine, gabapentin, citalopram and takes zyprexa like once a week. He refuses to go to the hospital. I'm at my wits end. His meds aren't helping. When he takes the zyprexa he does better. But I have to threaten to kick him out to get him to take it.

I'm hoping this new therapist will be able to help me. I just started, and hes on vacation right now.

I'm so tired of my life...

We're roasting out here. 111 degrees today. Normally, we cool down to the 50's-60's on summer nights. Not so now, it's 5 a.m. and almost 80 degrees. If lightning strikes that's when fire danger begins.

Did anybody see Doc John's post about Healthline having purchased Psych Central? It's on the General board.

Further worried. People do die sometimes from accidental overdoses. Prince, Michael, jimi hendrix...

They put me on injections twenty years ago. Possibility?

What does it mean?

Going to have a stupid hot weekend here too. Dreading it. Oh, to be able to soak up the cool air against the later heat. If I could have a super power, that would be it. I hate the heat. Summers, yuck.

Other than that, doing ok.

Are you struggling to stop at a normal dose? 10mg is apparently a high dose for adults. I think if you believe you need to take such a high dose you may need more help than a therapist can give. It can cause seizures and all kinds of issues at that high of a level and I'm assuming you're on other meds. I'm concerned.

Melatonin Overdose: How Much Melatonin Should I Take?

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Originally Posted by bpcyclist What does it mean?

D John said he's not yet sure. If I remember correctly, for the coming year nothing will change. After that there could be some "changes." Hopefully the changes are beneficial ones...i.e., Healthline doesn't change the forums.

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Originally Posted by Tucson ...I have been working on my synthesizer and getting some neat sounds. I even made up a short little ditty inspired by one of those sounds...

That sounds so exciting!

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I had a major melatonin overdose last night. 30 milligrams. I almost went to the hospital except I couldn’t wake up to text my mom I was so drowsy. I just feel like throwing up right now and my vision is super blurry. I wonder if I can email my therapist. She did say last week she thought I was holding off on them because I thought last week was the week she was on vacation.

Md, have you considered that some of the health problems you have could be from your high doses of melatonin?

Melatonin also directly impacts one of the cascades involved in mania and psychosis... Melatonin can influence mood stability. It is why sleep is part of our illness.

So, will Healthline charge us? Makes us all take Latuda or Vraylar?

I'm glad my husband went somewhere without me this afternoon. I'm glad to have some time to myself.

Our upcoming trip has some mighty stressful issues associated with it, and the itinerary seems to change frequently. I do hope it happens, though.

I really want to just run away. With my husband, but away from some of this mess at home. I'm starting to dislike where we are. Not just physically, but in other ways, too.

I’ve wondered what I could be doing internally. Like if I’ve elevated any of my blood levels. I know I already have a high kidney function.

Today I was doing decently until about 20 minutes ago. Now I’m really really struggling and I’m not exactly sure what to do.

Basically I was just frustrated and I wanted some relief. I knew I’d pass out from the melatonin. I tried taking 15 but then thought “what the hell.” And took another 15. I woke up feeling really odd at 10:30 and I would have gone to the hospital if I had actually been able to call my mom. Now I just feel like crap mentally although I don’t feel like taking anything. I did just take a Xanax though and it’s causing my stomach to be upset.

Feel like I'm about to explode. Everyone keeps telling me I need to be clean and sober, but there's a f'king reason I turned to substances in the first place. They make me feel good. That's not something I get w/o some sort of substance whether it be weed, oxy, or prozac. Prozac put me in the hospital, the other two haven't.

I feel like in all my life I've only had a handful of good days. I remember some of them. I'm trying to remember them, but I'm already crying because most of them involved people that are gone from my life. Burnt bridges and toxic relationships.
I tried calling my ex to get some of those good feelings back, but the phone just kept ringing and ringing. Someone I loved deeply until he said "I love you" while I was thinking suspiciously of him.
Idk if I even have bipolar/sza, but I sure as hell have abnormal mood swings and do really f'ked up things frequently.

**** me. Like, for real. My sons school district has decided to go fully remote until at least oct 12. No hybrid. I had found someone to watch him for three days a week when he wasn’t in school but she can’t do five and I certainly can’t afford “daycare” five days week, If it’s even offered through YMCA or CYO. It’s not even worth it, I only make $1500 a month, at LEAST half my salary would be going to childcare. Plus gas to get to work...just not worth it. But I love my job so much....and if I quit I won’t have insurance anymore. “Obamacare” is still $600/month for the level of coverage I need, and I’d have to apply for Medicaid for my son.

I do appreciate them trying to be safe, I really do. But I’m just so sad, this job is the best job I’ve ever had! My coworkers are great, the school is great, it’s not too stressful and I love the students. I’ve never felt this happy with a job. And now I might have to give it up after less than a year :sad:

My mom says she want to talk and figure something out. She might be able to reduce her work schedule to part time and take him 2-3 days a week, and then the other person can take him the other days. But she too has to figure out what to do about insurance. She has high blood pressure and needs medication and regular doctor visits.

****ing American healthcare!!!! I just read a story where someone in Germany spent a week in the hospital on IV antibiotics and he only ended up with a 13 euro bill. Why tf are so many Americans against universal healthcare??? Because it’s “socialism” and socialism = communism aka the devil? ****!

What if orthopedic surgeons made $400K instead of a million a year? That would help. Doctors make way too much money in the US. Way too much

I hope you find a solution for your son for those extra days.

The story you mention is the truth about significantly lower costs for healthcare in most European countries. My nephew in Europe has severe health problems and never ever have the prices been in any way outrageous. People there don't become bankrupted for being ill, or need to avoid healthcare because of the costs. They don't. In fact, my husband is going to have his teeth fixed during our upcoming vacation. The price will be many times less than if he had it done in the US. We don't have dental insurance in the US. Even if we did, paying for it in full in his native country is still much cheaper than paying deductibles or copays for it in our area of the US.

The whole demonization of socialized health systems (universal healthcare) is just a propaganda that is encouraged because of the powerful lobbies in the US. Politicians and others get handsomely paid by the pharmaceutical, insurance, and other healthcare industries. They don't want a change because they want to continue to be enriched by this terrible privatized system. They try to convince people that their taxes will be increased beyond belief for such a universal healthcare system. The truth is, Europeans do pay towards it in their taxes, but when people look at the situation in real financial terms, they pay notably less in the end, than Americans even do, percentage wise. If asked if they wanted the US system, people in my husband's country would say "Heck no!" They're definitely not jealous.

I could also go on and on comparing the quality of infrastructure and education in developed European countries compared to the US, but I won't. The sad thing is many people in the US have become acquiescent to the rougher realities we are dealt here. They may complain, but don't take the proper action. Many are brainwashed into thinking "We're the best!" at everything, when we're really not. Isn't there a saying that if you always think you're the best (and you may not be) that you don't even try to improve?

I think many Americans don't realize that Social Security (with its Medicare and Medicaid) is a socialized type program. And yet, how many people in the US would really want to scrap that? How many people in the US think scrapping or weakening the US Postal Service is a great idea? Certainly its current Post Master General (who owns millions in stock in its competitors) does. Corruption!

There are tradeoffs. Europeans often do not have the access to specialists an insured American does--there is no doubt on this. But, look how many are uninsured. I am uninsured, and I was a damn surgeon!! Coverage for me wld be at least$950 a month in this supposedly uber progressive state. I have 4 kids to support--we canot afford that. So, I have no healthcare.

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Originally Posted by spikes ... but I sure as hell have abnormal mood swings and do really f'ked up things frequently.

That sentence describes a number of psych disorders, but one of them (in my experience) is bipolar disorder. Add in psychotic symptoms and I would call either BD1 or s-affective, depending upon other details such as, is your psychosis mood-related or is it independent of mood changes?...is there some sort of substance involved?

It's that mood disregulation...doesn't necessarily need to be specific, clean-cut episodes...has more of a presentation of every minute being intense and flaring or plunging, or both at the same time. That's why mood tracking can be surprisingly helpful.

Ok ok ok. I think I’m on my way to figuring out the childcare situation. My mother in law will likely be able to take my son for two days a week, and my mom is going to ask her employer to reduce her hours. This is actually a blessing for her - she absolutely hates her job and is looking for a reason to quit. She just doesn’t feel physically or mentally capable of working anymore. So if this works out, she will be happier.

She gave me a heartfelt mini-speech on the phone. While she didn’t outright say it, I took it as an apology for how she treated me as a child and even into adulthood. She’s never acknowledged her less than stellar parenting. I’m happy. Even if she can’t work it out, just hearing her say that she wants to do better for my son and support me and my family NOW is heartening.

I can breathe easier, knowing I most likely won’t have to quit.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I’ve wondered what I could be doing internally. Like if I’ve elevated any of my blood levels. I know I already have a high kidney function. Today I was doing decently until about 20 minutes ago. Now I’m really really struggling and I’m not exactly sure what to do.

It's also probably the melatonin that makes your depression worse. Then adding in Xanax and whatever else = mood swings all over the place, plus all kinds of sleep disorder.

I apologize if I sound harsh. It's just that every day you take all that melatonin and other stuff, then you worry about your health, and you're depressed...it's self destructive behavior, to say the least.

btw- just a thought. When melatonin first became available as a sleep aid decades ago I took it for 3 nights, but stopped because I began to feel very depressed. I think that people should be aware of the potential depressive effect of the stuff.

My mom called and said she talked with her neighbor and got some good info about housing.

I took a 3 hour nap. It felt good at the time. I dreamed that I lost my phone though. And now I'm wide awake at 9:45 p.m.

I do have an inspection coming up in 3 weeks. I gotta start scrubbing this place down! I thought they said they weren't doing inspections this year.

N3 took me and his girlfriend out to eat for lunch today. It used up nearly all of my fat and calories for the day. But it was good! The waitress said I sound like her late aunt used to when I speak. She seemed to like the way my voice sounds. Ive always thought my voice was strange even as a kid. My voice was very low for a kid when I was 2- my dad says its from having a breathing tube on a ventilator when I was born. I had a higher voice as a kid compared to now of course but it was still low. Oh yeah- if you didn't know, I was born at 31 weeks back in 1972 so I was high risk- they gave me a 2% chance of living. I think this was mostly because I had part of my bowel die and had to have surgery to remove the dead section at 2 days old.

So there you go. Somethings you probably didn't know about me.