[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Sapien

Looking for a new job because bookkeeper at the farm is not going to last very long. Family feud stuff going on and I heard they're going to be under before they can even get me set up. I applied to a few places close enough but far enough. I am now one full week sober! It is cold. I hope it rains tonight/tomorrow as expected. I think I broke a knuckle.

Congratulations (Except on your knuckle )

[Moose72]

Bad news. N1's girlfriend is here. (She's on the phone at the moment.) We were talking about N1. She's in the psychiatric emergency waiting to be admitted. She's a mess. Her girlfriend was filling me in on things. We took a pic of us together and sent it via snapchat to N1. Said "I Love You, my daughter and happy early birthday!" She won't have her phone once she gets admitted, but there is a computer there that you can get on- at least there was last time I was there. Of course, she may not be admitted at the same hospital, too. And last time, her insurance said she had to leave- early, it seemed like. Poor C, too, because this is a lot for her to deal with but I am SOOO glad she is around! C is a wonderful, loving person who is here for thick and thin. Apparently, N1 is into marijuana and extra-relationship sex, etc. I really hope they can give her a diagnosis this time instead of just "transgender". (Which has it's own diagnosis code.) I was supposed to be having my yearly review for the bipolar study I'm in right now over the phone but they called and I rescheduled for tomorrow because C is still here and I have to deal with this more than I need to do the study stuff right now. It IS rescheduled for tomorrow. I don't want to miss it because after this I get paid for my year of filling out questionaires and this year-end appointment. So I'm worried about N1, but I know she's in good hands- at least if they keep her for a week or more that will make me happy.

ETA/Update:

We talked with N1 on the phone and she is still in the psych ER. Been there 15 hours and no sleep. But that's par for the course. She sounds better than i thought she would. C is bringing her a couple books- two books that have been in the back of their car for months that N1 hasn't gotten around to reading. They happen to be about transgender and are mine actually. I bought them just because I thought they looked interesting before I knew that N1 was transgender. C is getting her coffee from Starbucks and a video game machine (hand held one I assume) and a few other things. I am glad she and C have each other. C is such a nice person and a true friend and girlfriend! She keeps me in the loop which I like. Tomorrow is N1's 23rd birthday. We sent her a snapchat saying happy birthday and I love you. No news yet about where she is going to be staying.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Sapien

Looking for a new job because bookkeeper at the farm is not going to last very long. Family feud stuff going on and I heard they're going to be under before they can even get me set up. I applied to a few places close enough but far enough. I am now one full week sober! It is cold. I hope it rains tonight/tomorrow as expected. I think I broke a knuckle.

Massive, massive achievement. So happy. Keep your feet on the ground. Do not get too excited and lose your judgment. People relapse celebrating.

[*Beth*]

In two years I have never once cancelled an appointment with my therapist. I see her twice/week. I cancelled today for a silly reason, but there it is. I simply do not feel like setting up the whole teletherapy thing. Camera, mic, close the curtains so it's not too bright, being sure my hair is presentable, getting dressed just for a video session, pointing my computer in a direction that has a pleasant background, saying good-bye at the end when she suddenly disappears and I see a blank screen...all of it. I just couldn't do it today. It all feels like pushing a boulder up a mountain.

I feel bad, because I know she'll wonder why I cancelled when I never have before. And I hope I don't regret cancelling. I'm just so worn down from this whole covid BS.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi everyone. I haven't been here in a awhile, but finally got up the energy to check in. Hope you all have been doing well. I do think of you all and sometimes come and read the updates, but just haven't been feeling too well and lacking motivation. My moods are more stable since starting birth control, but now I am just tired and blah all the time. Can't seem to focus on anything, either. My psychiatrist thinks it's depression and started me on Wellbutrin. I did not feel well after the first dose, real tired and achy, but am going to try it out for a little bit longer. Not much else going on here. I am back home after staying with my partner for a few months. It was nice to have the company and see his cute dog, but I think my anxiety and low mood kind of put a damper on things between us. He's tried to be supportive, though. Wish I had something more interesting to update on, but that's about it for now. I am looking forward to catching up on how everyone has been.

[xRavenx]

I've been having difficulties with impulsivity on the job lately, and it's leading to not the best decisions. I really hate the impulsive side of me. It's really self-damaging and makes me feel really bad about myself. I always worry about the long-term effects and if something is going to haunt me. It's really hard working when dealing with these Bipolar symptoms, and some days I want to give up. I was very close to resigning the other day, but I'm trying to push through until I can't anymore. I did take a few days off next week, so that will give me the opportunity to have a mental health day to myself. I had to take a klonopin (PRN) today, because I feel really nervous about my decisions and if the worst is going to happen. A few hours to go until the work day is over with.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Hi everyone. I haven't been here in a awhile, but finally got up the energy to check in. Hope you all have been doing well. I do think of you all and sometimes come and read the updates, but just haven't been feeling too well and lacking motivation. My moods are more stable since starting birth control, but now I am just tired and blah all the time. Can't seem to focus on anything, either. My psychiatrist thinks it's depression and started me on Wellbutrin. I did not feel well after the first dose, real tired and achy, but am going to try it out for a little bit longer. Not much else going on here. I am back home after staying with my partner for a few months. It was nice to have the company and see his cute dog, but I think my anxiety and low mood kind of put a damper on things between us. He's tried to be supportive, though. Wish I had something more interesting to update on, but that's about it for now. I am looking forward to catching up on how everyone has been.

I'm so glad you've checked in. It's good to see you

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Hi everyone. I haven't been here in a awhile, but finally got up the energy to check in. Hope you all have been doing well. I do think of you all and sometimes come and read the updates, but just haven't been feeling too well and lacking motivation. My moods are more stable since starting birth control, but now I am just tired and blah all the time. Can't seem to focus on anything, either. My psychiatrist thinks it's depression and started me on Wellbutrin. I did not feel well after the first dose, real tired and achy, but am going to try it out for a little bit longer. Not much else going on here. I am back home after staying with my partner for a few months. It was nice to have the company and see his cute dog, but I think my anxiety and low mood kind of put a damper on things between us. He's tried to be supportive, though. Wish I had something more interesting to update on, but that's about it for now. I am looking forward to catching up on how everyone has been.

Hi yellow_fleurs, I was reading some old posts yesterday and was thinking of you! I'm happy that you've checked in! I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well. I understand about anxiety and low mood putting a damper on my relationship with partner (not so much lately, I remember from before I was diagnosed though and at times later) It's great that he's been trying to be supportive, it sounds like maybe he's a keeper!

[Fuzzybear]

I have not tried teletherapy. I have thought about it.

(edited)

[Fuzzybear]

Listening to a new release (I think) by Bon Jovi. It's been a weird day.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

In two years I have never once cancelled an appointment with my therapist. I see her twice/week. I cancelled today for a silly reason, but there it is. I simply do not feel like setting up the whole teletherapy thing. Camera, mic, close the curtains so it's not too bright, being sure my hair is presentable, getting dressed just for a video session, pointing my computer in a direction that has a pleasant background, saying good-bye at the end when she suddenly disappears and I see a blank screen...all of it. I just couldn't do it today. It all feels like pushing a boulder up a mountain.

I feel bad, because I know she'll wonder why I cancelled when I never have before. And I hope I don't regret cancelling. I'm just so worn down from this whole covid BS.

Sometimes you just need a break. I do. I think that if you see your therapist twice per week, she shouldn't be surprised if you simply tell her that, unless maybe you're in crisis. If she is surprised, that wouldn't seem fair of her, to me. I see my therapist once per week and she never ever seems to take vacation. Ever! A number of times I said I had to go with my husband for his eye appointment. A couple times that was true. A couple others, not.

I, too, am sick of the video sessions. Especially the ones with my psychiatrist. His office is only 5 mins from my house, yet I have to "meet with him" from home. Of course I understand why this is important, but I've started to not look forward to my appointments with him. Normally I love to see him. I actually may not even see him face-to-face ever again because of my upcoming move.

[Soupe du jour]

yellow_fleurs, thanks for checking in. It's nice to see you here again. I hope your focus improves and any depression lifts quickly.

xRavenx, do you think you're experiencing mixed features? It's good you're aware of the impulsivity so that you can be more mindful to curb it. I hope the mental health days help. It sucks that you are struggling to get through the work days.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm finally taking a break. I've been working my you know what off! Hubby and I shouted at each other once this morning. It was in front of the painter. I apologized to the painter that he had to witness that. I did not apologize to Hubby, nor did he apologize to me. It's OK. It's over with. We "get it" that this is a very stressful period in our lives.

Hubby clearly seems mildly depressed and very anxious. It's a rough period and understandable. I'm, luckily, not depressed or anxious, so I've been quite productive. However, there are just some things I can't do by myself. He must try to help me! Half the time he's in the bathroom, on his computer, or napping (or doing some low priority project) when I'm packing, sorting, cleaning, running up and down the stairs, running errands, etc. I know I've mentioned here that most of the stuff is my husband's. But it MUST be moved for the painter to do his job. Then in about a week and a half, the floor people. I know my husband hates to part with things, so I try to be respectful of that, but he has TOO MUCH! And he's just soooooo slow at doing everything. I even think that as he sees me making great progress with my stuff, he freezes more and gets more overwhelmed knowing he's far behind with his. I'd love to make executive decisions about his stuff, but...can't.

Good news is that tomorrow morning is a trash pickup. Then tomorrow night we put stuff out for the bulk pickup that happens the morning after. I posted an ad in Freecycle and on Craigslist telling people that the stuff will be at the end of my driveway at 6 pm tomorrow. Perhaps half of the stuff won't even be there for the bulk pickup. We'll see. Either way, it will help clear out half of the garage, leaving room for the stuff we plan to move with us to Europe and stuff that needs to be out of rooms for the flooring.

The window repair is not going to happen until later than expected. They keep making multiple excuses why the glass is not in yet. I told the representative there that if we'd known about the long delay, "we might have made a different decision". But that statement does no good. They're holding us hostage since we already paid about 50% upfront.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

.....

I, too, am sick of the video sessions. Especially the ones with my psychiatrist. His office is only 5 mins from my house, yet I have to "meet with him" from home. Of course I understand why this is important, but I've started to not look forward to my appointments with him. Normally I love to see him. I actually may not even see him face-to-face ever again because of my upcoming move.

I'm in the same situation - office 5 minutes from my homes. Both my pdoc and therapist are there, offices next to each other. Sometimes I just think I cannot do one more telehealth appointment. It's been 7 months. To me, it seems we could meet in one of their boardrooms wearing masks and sitting 6 to 7 feet apart. Something.

I hear you on "possibly never seeing him f2f again." My therapist is almost 70 and I will be surprised if she doesn't retire before this damned covid thing is over. My pdoc is no spring chicken, either. *sigh*

[*Beth*]

Soupe du jour Grrr, I'm sorry hubby is trying your patience right now. That is never pleasant

I can promise you that once all the stuff is taken away you will feel enormously relieved.

I think your break is very well-deserved.

[Fuzzybear]

I've cancelled several therapy sessions. The first therapist was ok with that. I used to cancel after he had been away on holiday.

The second therapist was not ok with it. I told her why I couldn't go to a couple of sessions. She did not accept my reason. That plus another thing about her (and I guess we weren't a good fit anyway) lead to the ending of the therapy. She was angry with me.

[Moose72]

Still no word if N1 has a room yet.

Possible trigger:

I'm really worried about her. She has been suicidal before, but from what C has told me, she is worse. When we talked, she sounded ok but that doesn't' mean she's out of the woods. It's one thing when I am sui - then *I* am in "control". But now everything is out of my hands, except to let her know that she is loved. C went and got her Starbucks and brought her a video game machine and some books. I wanted to go along to the hospital, but with COVID that's not a good idea. They want as few people as they can there. Even C couldn't stay: she just had to drop N1 off and leave. She can drop off the things for her and that's it. I am really worried but glad she is safe at the hospital. I am waiting to hear that she's been admitted.

[*Beth*]

Nah, my therapist will be a sweetheart about me cancelling today. I just wish I had a viable excuse for canceling besides "I just couldn't hook up all those wires and close the curtains and...and..." But, that's what I'll tell her.

Moose, keep us posted

[Fuzzybear]

Ugh. Maybe I should go in a trigger box.

[Blue_Bird]

I haven't had panic attacks the past two days. And my mood has been really good the past few days. It's just a start but I hope it's the beginning of long term stability, I haven't had that in a long time. But I feel like this might be it, where things finally settle. I'm hopeful, anyway.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I haven't had panic attacks the past two days. And my mood has been really good the past few days. It's just a start but I hope it's the beginning of long term stability, I haven't had that in a long time. But I feel like this might be it, where things finally settle. I'm hopeful, anyway.

That's great Blue_Bird

Panic attacks suck...

I hope this is the beginning of long term stability for you too!

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

That's great Blue_Bird

Panic attacks suck...

I hope this is the beginning of long term stability for you too!

Thanks Fuzzy I hope you're doing well

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Thanks Fuzzy I hope you're doing well

I'm ok, considering I'm cutting down on benzos.. (my decision to cut down and taper them)

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I'm ok, considering I'm cutting down on benzos.. (my decision to cut down and taper them)

I hope that goes well for you

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I hope that goes well for you

Thanks Blue_Bird