[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I asked my sister for help with some of the outside stuff. The hose is just too heavy for me. We are expecting snow tomorrow so the outside stuff needs doing now. Mum got mad at me for asking but I can’t do it. My sister and bil work as a team and get stuff done quickly. I sent her a sincere thank you text and she sent back a nice anytime, no problem text.

I left the state 20 years ago not getting along with any of my family. Time and therapy helped greatly. Of course when I came back a couple of years ago I was stable and that helps a lot. My sister really appreciates what I do for mum and since I’ve been home mums only been in the hospital once. And I appreciate and am grateful for this second chance to be with family. It was really hard being alone for all those years. From somebody that was committed twice and was homeless for years I can say it does get better!

You are an inspiration, Nammu. Truly.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Coolbreeze74

Moose, right on about the weight loss! That's great! I'm also happy for you about the housing. Must be a big relief!

Nammu, glad you are back with your family! I have a big family and don't know what I would do without them.

Whatever, sorry the superintendent wont do the ac thing for you. That's crummy. Yeah being a single woman can be hard

Well I had a 6 hour long panic attack last night! It was on the severe side for about two hours. It was so scary.

My son and I went and got e-juice and groceries. Hes continuing to do good. But it was his turn to clean out the litter boxes and he wouldn't do it. He hasn't cleaned them out in about 3 months. He needs to help bc it kills my back.

Overall a good day tho.

So glad you your son is better hang in there!!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

Been feeling a bit down. Think I may have shifted into some mild depression. Probably triggered by stress and the shift in weather. Ugh. Feel kind of crappy about myself and hopeless about my situation.

Possible trigger:

Frequently wishing I could go to sleep and not wake up

So tired of this. I wish I could just wake up and not have bipolar anymore.

So sorry. Been there.

So, action really helps me a lot. What steps do you feel maybe you should take starting today?

[Soupe du jour]

bpcyclist, I will simply just keep using the new one my nephrologist recommended. Other than a cardiologist, no other doctor is usually as expert on hypertension as a nephrologist. The last time I had my blood pressure taken by a nurse, it was at an urgent care center. My readings were 200/100 something and then 177/something high. So, I'm assuming those were accurate. If not at all, then I guess pretty much no blood pressure monitor in the whole entire world is really accurate. I can say this, given my life right now, I'd be mighty surprised if my true blood pressure is actually a sweet 95/65. The readings (in offices) last year were all close to 140/something.

I had a telephone appointment with my nephrologist a few minutes ago. He's an extremely nice man that clearly cares about my health. He reminds me of my psychiatrist. In fact, they know each other. My psychiatrist recommended him years back. I think he's even better, in many ways, than my general practitioner, who is fine, but is rarely available and seems to want me to be on the verge of death before he prescribes anything, for anything. Today the nephrologist prescribed both a blood pressure medication and a small dose of a statin. I'm grateful, and know that my psychiatrist will be satisfied with this new treatment. I don't give a damn if the general practitioner is, or not. I don't even plan to tell him or see him again, if possible. My nephrologist already plans to talk to me at least two more times before I move to Europe, and said we'll even talk after my move to Europe, stating that the consultation price (without American-based insurance) will be quite adjusted to suit my situation. He's also ordering more blood tests, one of which relates to adrenaline levels. Not sure what very high results for that would signal. I told him my adrenaline levels are surely already high, but perhaps there could be a physical reason as well? I guess best to check.

I'm already yelling today. Sorry if any of my writing clearly reflects that. I just want the flooring people to come ASAP so we could, as my dad often said "Get the show on the road!" I even told my husband that he should offer a bit more money to the flooring people, if any expediting needs to be done. Update: I am overhearing him on the phone with them now, and they clearly do not yet have our carpeting in, though they have the vinyl wood-like flooring. I forced Hubby to call because I knew I would lose it. Apparently our realtor called them yesterday to put a fire under their butts. She also called the handyman who has not yet fully completed all we need him to do. We can only do what we have control of. It is so frustrating when you feel like you have to follow up, pressure follow-up, pressure, and beg and plead. The handyman called yesterday and said he'd come briefly today, but I doubt he will do more than a couple small things unless we keep him under house arrest. This last statement is nothing we'd literally do. I'm not yet that far gone.

I've been taking Ativan the last few days, plus, to help me get to sleep. It usually helps, and has helped. However, I will call my psychiatrist today and mention my situation and the new medications prescribed by the nephrologist. The time has come to calm this growing beast. I feel like I'm under attack by the stressful forces around me. I am not willing to hide, so I'm feeling ready to fight. I need help with this fight so that the forces (or my own fervor) don't overtake or figuratively (or literally) kill me off.

Add on (for whomever reads this far): I left a message for my psychiatrist. I am confident that he will call me back. I hate his voicemail because it always cuts me off too early. Is that deliberate in order not to hear long rants/pleas from patients? Or, is it actually still recording (despite the click) and he hears me ranting about his stupid voicemail click? I already picked up my new medications and took them. I also took a PRN 50 mg Seroquel iR. I almost felt like I was going to go nuts in the pharmacy, but I managed not to. I think pdoc will increase my Seroquel XR either at night or add a morning dose. Or both. That would take me up to 700 or 750.

[daladico]

Day 5 complete med change: Currently feeling my best self!!! Stable mood. Clearer mind, more energy, easier to get out of bed, more productive, less hungry. Ahhhh I hope this continues 🙌✨🤸

[*Beth*]

daladico

Hurray!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by daladico

Day 5 complete med change: Currently feeling my best self!!! Stable mood. Clearer mind, more energy, easier to get out of bed, more productive, less hungry. Ahhhh I hope this continues 🙌✨🤸

This is great!

[Moose72]

I'm in a cleaning mood, even though the place is pretty much clean and tidy. I vacuumed the whole place. I could wash out the sink and tub I guess. Maybe sweep and mop the kitchen and bathroom? I just don't know if they need it but then again I've been here 2+ weeks and I haven't done any of this yet. Listening to Bach choral works by King's College Choir. ETA: I just swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom. They needed it. Now waiting for the floors to dry so I can wash out the sinks and scrub the toilet. ETA: Floors dry and rugs put back down and both sinks scrubbed! Now on to Alfred Deller and crew. (He's probably on youtube!)

[Mountaindewed]

I feel the same as usual. My therapy session just seemed really generic. Like she was just doing the same one today with all her clients. It didn’t seem very personalized. She did say my next therapist when I move needs to specialize in eating disorders. I want another therapist that specializes in autism because I feel like any other therapist is just going to think the things I do are weird. But I do have another in person session next Thursday. I just feel like my therapist is frustrated with me. Which I can kind of get. But you know when you start losing weight and your clothes start getting looser then it just keeps coming.... I hope she doesn’t terminate me over the email I just sent her. The last thing I need right now is to find a new therapist on top of all the **** I’m already dealing with.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Don't say that! You'll jinx yourself.

I hope you feel better! Do you still have some of your script left? If your pain is that bad, I'd think it would be okay to take.

My pain is still there. Advil is working somewhat.

[Soupe du jour]

I totally forgot about my therapy appointment at 2 pm. Of course she only tried contacting me on my cell phone. My cell phone has been giving me trouble. If she even attempted to call my landline, she would have reached me in a New York minute, but I realize people are so extremely obsessed with cell phones. When I finally realized I missed the appointment, I emailed her to ask that she delete my cell phone number from her records and only ever call my landline. I'm only going to replace my cellphone in Czech Republic. I told her last week, and the week before, that my cell phone was acting up, and she forgot. So we both forgot something. I didn't feel like talking to her today, anyway. She did ask me to call her phone number. I don't want to. The phone just rang, but I didn't pick up. Hubby didn't either, because the phone is not in the bathroom, which is his usual spot.

My psychiatrist called back. He always does. He's great about that. It was a little annoying because he must have been at home. A dog was barking. It was distracting. I told him about his voicemail and asked if that "click" meant it stopped recording, and he confirmed that. He asked me if I took a prn, and I said yes. He then said for me to take another 50, but of the XR, right now. Then add 50 XR to the mornings from this point on. Of course I only just barely made any of this out because of the poor sound quality of the call. I think he was speaking on speaker phone. He then told me to rather email him that he checks his emails more often than the vmx. I then reminded him that he used to be opposed to email and that he is a changed man. He agreed that he's changed.

I spent the time I was supposed to be on my therapy call cleaning up my stuff on the computer. I de-followed a lot of people on WordPress, unsubscribed to many newsletters, etc., and cleaned out my email inboxes, some via mass delete. I'm now concentrating on my file folders on my computer. I told pdoc that I am taking Thoreau's advice to "Simplify, simplify, simplify!" Everything is just too much right now, so I need to trim away all of the mumbo jumbo and excess fat. I want a straight and clear path to walk on. No more slaloms to ski, or mountains to climb. I'm retiring my tennis racket and walking away from the area the many balls are flying to. I stand tall with my two arms out straight. Breathe in deep and exhale all of the impurities. I am SHE who can triumph! Don't even try to fight me. World, you can't even touch me! I will be free without too much added weight in my mind and on my shoulders. Let me fly like a free bird, in a celestial dance, with only the air currents gently caressing my feathered wings. I can reach any height I want and travel in any direction. The world is below me. I can choose to visit it where, when, how or if I like.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.

'Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify, simplify! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand; instead of a million count half a dozen, and keep your accounts on your thumb-nail.'"

-- Henry David Thoreau, Walden

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

So sorry. Been there.

So, action really helps me a lot. What steps do you feel maybe you should take starting today?

Baby steps (what about Bob)

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I totally forgot about my therapy appointment at 2 pm. Of course she only tried contacting me on my cell phone. My cell phone has been giving me trouble. If she even attempted to call my landline, she would have reached me in a New York minute, but I realize people are so extremely obsessed with cell phones. When I finally realized I missed the appointment, I emailed her to ask that she delete my cell phone number from her records and only ever call my landline. I'm only going to replace my cellphone in Czech Republic. I told her last week, and the week before, that my cell phone was acting up, and she forgot. So we both forgot something. I didn't feel like talking to her today, anyway. She did ask me to call her phone number. I don't want to. The phone just rang, but I didn't pick up. Hubby didn't either, because the phone is not in the bathroom, which is his usual spot.

My psychiatrist called back. He always does. He's great about that. It was a little annoying because he must have been at home. A dog was barking. It was distracting. I told him about his voicemail and asked if that "click" meant it stopped recording, and he confirmed that. He asked me if I took a prn, and I said yes. He then said for me to take another 50, but of the XR, right now. Then add 50 XR to the mornings from this point on. Of course I only just barely made any of this out because of the poor sound quality of the call. I think he was speaking on speaker phone. He then told me to rather email him that he checks his emails more often than the vmx. I then reminded him that he used to be opposed to email and that he is a changed man. He agreed that he's changed.

I spent the time I was supposed to be on my therapy call cleaning up my stuff on the computer. I de-followed a lot of people on WordPress, unsubscribed to many newsletters, etc., and cleaned out my email inboxes, some via mass delete. I'm now concentrating on my file folders on my computer. I told pdoc that I am taking Thoreau's advice to "Simplify, simplify, simplify!" Everything is just too much right now, so I need to trim away all of the mumbo jumbo and excess fat. I want a straight and clear path to walk on. No more slaloms to ski, or mountains to climb. I'm retiring my tennis racket and walking away from the area the many balls are flying to. I stand tall with my two arms out straight. Breathe in deep and exhale all of the impurities. I am SHE who can triumph! Don't even try to fight me. World, you can't even touch me! I will be free without too much added weight in my mind and on my shoulders. Let me fly like a free bird, in a celestial dance, with only the air currents gently caressing my feathered wings. I can reach any height I want and travel in any direction. The world is below me. I can choose to visit it where, when, how or if I like.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.

'Our life is frittered away by detail. Simplify, simplify, simplify! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand; instead of a million count half a dozen, and keep your accounts on your thumb-nail.'"

-- Henry David Thoreau, Walden

I love the quote! I read some of this at University

[Moose72]

Watching Wentworth It's so addictive.

[Blue_Bird]

Had an appointment with my therapist today. She's glad I'm doing well. My mood has been very stable and I'm having much less anxiety.

Went to the library earlier. Checked out the movie Christmas Vacation. Love that movie, can't wait to watch it as it's been awhile since I've seen it. Also requested Anne Franks diary. I read that in elementary school but I forget most of the details so I thought it'd be good to re-read it.

Just baked some cinnamon rolls. Had a couple with coffee.
Going grocery shopping tomorrow to get the rest of the stuff to make tacos.

Dyeing my hair this weekend. Can't wait. Just hope I don't make a big mess.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Had an appointment with my therapist today. She's glad I'm doing well. My mood has been very stable and I'm having much less anxiety.

Went to the library earlier. Checked out the movie Christmas Vacation. Love that movie, can't wait to watch it as it's been awhile since I've seen it. Also requested Anne Franks diary. I read that in elementary school but I forget most of the details so I thought it'd be good to re-read it.

Just baked some cinnamon rolls. Had a couple with coffee.
Going grocery shopping tomorrow to get the rest of the stuff to make tacos.

Dyeing my hair this weekend. Can't wait. Just hope I don't make a big mess.

I do not die my hair.

I cannot die my hair (allergies)

I do, however, have a full coat of lovely glossy fur

@Soupe du jour: You sound high as a kite. It's nice to enjoy ourselves but remember, the higher we get the harder we fall and you've got your big commitment of moving coming up. I'm sure you want to be healthy for that. Please be careful.

[*Beth*]

Soupe du jour

Are you manic?

[wildflowerchild25]

I feel better after talking with my therapist. I was able just to get some of my thoughts out.

I found out through my grandfather’s obituary that he actually designed my state’s most well know state university so logo! Like, the one they use to this day! That was so cool. I never knew that. I got some insight into his career, and I finally learned how he and my grandma met. I always wondered, but for some reason never asked her. Because she grew up and lived on the west coast, while my grandpa lived in my state which is on the eastern seaboard. Turns out he was stationed in Oregon and met her at a square dance that she was attending because her father called the...moves, I guess they’re called? I’m so glad I know now! I should have asked my grandmother years ago but I just never did.

An interesting fact I learned was that my grandfather ran all the republican campaigns for state officials in my state. One of his old friends wrote that they never lost an election except for the one where their candidate publicly mocked the other. My grandpa’s rule was always NO NEGATIVITY. Oh, if he had just been lucid enough to comprehend the last few elections! He would have been horrified!

I feel better about the upcoming funeral. I explained to my son the honor and significance behind receiving the military flag. I have ordered a shadow box for it and it will stay in my possession until my son has moved out on his own and can be trusted to take care of it. Even though I do not like the officiant I think it will be a nice service.

[Soupe du jour]

@whatever2013 and @BethRags, thanks for your concern. I am experiencing a major upswing. It's become quite apparent and I've consulted with my psychiatrist today. I have a med dose increase. I already took 100 mg extra Seroquel today (50 iR morning/50 XR afternoon) and my usual evening dose (650 mg), plus my other bipolar meds. I'll admit I still feel fairly revved up, so pdoc told me to take yet another 50 mg of the iR if I can't get to sleep. I'm about as up as I've been for a long time -- only worse about two and a half years ago in May 2018. I can NOT become so manic that I can't easily de-escalate. I've started to have "issues" with my mood. Hubby has started taking some things over that I had been doing. Even so, there is just so extremely much to do and so many stressful things. Of course I could go on and on, but I'll try to spare people. My therapist is little help, but my psychiatrist is a gem. I'll be in touch with him again soon, if needed, or next Wednesday when I have a scheduled appointment. He always responds quickly. He knows me like the back of his hand, which is good. I'll be so sad when I have to find someone new. It will be a great loss for me to have to move on from him, though he did say he would continue giving me video sessions even for a while after I move to CZ. So did my nephrologist. Those two guys are basically the kind of men (or people in general, since some women are similar) that are treasures in one's life. My greatest living treasures are my husband, psychiatrist, and my sister. I'll miss seeing my sister when I move. I have to coerce her to visit me in CZ. She retired early. I think she will want to visit CZ again (she went there for my wedding). Of course my mother was a great treasure, but we lost her about 15 years ago to cancer.

I apologize if anything I wrote today (or will write) seemed, I don't know, triggering/concerning/offensive or otherwise.

The handyman was supposed to come back today, but didn't. No show. So many places are late in getting us what we need. This kind of frustration is a major trigger for me. I like for things to go efficiently, quickly, and smoothly, but I realize they sometimes don't. The lack of control over a situation is rough for me. I have to resist the temptation to take on more and more, too. The less out of control, the more I freak out and escalate.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

@whatever2013 and @BethRags, thanks for your concern. I am experiencing a major upswing. It's become quite apparent and I've consulted with my psychiatrist today. I have a med dose increase. I already took 100 mg extra Seroquel today (50 iR morning/50 XR afternoon) and my usual evening dose (650 mg), plus my other bipolar meds. I'll admit I still feel fairly revved up, so pdoc told me to take yet another 50 mg of the iR if I can't get to sleep. I'm about as up as I've been for a long time -- only worse about four years ago in May. I can NOT become so manic that I can't easily de-escalate. I've started to have "issues" with my mood. Hubby has started taking some things over that I had been doing. Even so, there is just so extremely much to do and so many stressful things. Of course I could go on and on, but I'll try to spare people. My therapist is little help, but my psychiatrist is a gem. I'll be in touch with him again soon, if needed, or next Wednesday when I have a scheduled appointment. He always responds quickly. He knows me like the back of his hand, which is good. I'll be so sad when I have to find someone new. It will be a great loss for me to have to move on from him, though he did say he would continue giving me video sessions even for a while after I move to CZ. So did my nephrologist. Those two guys are basically the kind of men (or people in general, since some women are similar) that are treasures in one's life. My greatest living treasures are my husband, psychiatrist, and my sister. I'll miss seeing my sister when I move. I have to coerce her to visit me in CZ. She retired early. I think she will want to visit CZ again (she went there for my wedding). Of course my mother was a great treasure, but we lost her about 15 years ago to cancer.

I apologize if anything I wrote today seemed, I don't know, triggering/concerning/offensive or otherwise.

The handyman was supposed to come back today, but didn't. So many places are late in getting us what we need. This kind of frustration is a major trigger for me. I like for things to go efficiently, quickly, and smoothly, but I realize they sometimes don't. The lack of control over a situation is rough for me. I have to resist the temptation to take on more and more, too. The less out of control, the more I freak out and escalate.

You still have good insight. That's a good sign. I'm glad your husband is taking over some of the work. That will help in the long run.

It is great your pdoc is involved. I know he will do everything in his power to keep you safe.

What coping skills can you leverage during an upswing? How can we help?

Thinking of you.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Soupe du jour

Are you manic?

This is what I am wondering, too.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by fern46

You still have good insight. That's a good sign. I'm glad your husband is taking over some of the work. That will help in the long run.

It is great your pdoc is involved. I know he will do everything in his power to keep you safe.

What coping skills can you leverage during an upswing? How can we help?

Thinking of you.

Thanks, Fern. I sort of suspected I was heading upwards a couple weeks ago, but it seemed so mild that I just kept going and ignored it. It's only gotten much worse these past couple of days. Sometimes the insight didn't come until after the fact. When Hubby would keep telling me to stop almost screaming, or that I was scaring someone, it finally clicked a bit. Also, I've had some moments when I felt I was going totally nuts. It can be scary. It happened in the pharmacy today, but I managed to keep it together enough not to create a scene.

For now, I'm going to try to "lay low" and do a little less. Today I at least gave myself a break, physically, and concentrated on computer stuff. I mentioned that in a previous post today. As I wrote, I've passed on a few things to Hubby. I have to be careful not to harass him for not doing things as quickly as I would. He's much more imperturbable than I am. That's lucky for me that he's tolerant and patient (with me) most of the time.

I'm not sure how others can help. If anyone has ideas, I'm open to listening and learning. If my behavior becomes anger-provoking or inappropriate, I suppose it's best to let me know, but in a constructive rather than defensive or offensive way.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Thanks, Fern. I sort of suspected I was heading upwards a couple weeks ago, but it seemed so mild that I just kept going and ignored it. It's only gotten much worse these past couple of days. Sometimes the insight didn't come until after the fact. When Hubby would keep telling me to stop almost screaming, or that I was scaring someone, it finally clicked a bit.

For now, I'm going to try to "lay low" and do a little less. Today I at least gave myself a break, physically, and concentrated on computer stuff. I mentioned that in a previous post today. As I wrote, I've passed on a few things to Hubby. I have to be careful not to harass him for not doing things as quickly as I would. He's much more imperturbable than I am. That's lucky for me that he's tolerant and patient (with me) most of the time.

I'm not sure how others can help. If anyone has ideas, I'm open to listening and learning. If my behavior becomes anger-provoking or inappropriate, I suppose it's best to let me know, but in a constructive rather than defensive or offensive way.

in your last several posts, your typing is like pressured speech

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Moose72

in your last several posts, your typing is like pressured speech

Thanks, Moose. That is a constructive observation. Thinking back, I believe my psychiatrist must have observed similar. As the symptoms add up, the situation becomes clearer.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now.