[Mountaindewed]

I know I am absolutely required to tell my program if I’m having any S or SH thoughts. They said that doesn’t automatically mean inpatient. Basically I just really want to sleep all night so I won’t have to deal with my pain or my depression. The cough syrup is hidden so I think I’ll ask my mom to hide the melatonin as well. So I can at least tell my case manager I took the right actions and didn’t act on the thoughts.

[Victoria'smom]

Md are they doing anything about the pain?

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Md are they doing anything about the pain?

I can take Tylenol and that’s it. Since it’s most likely kidney issues I can’t take Advil or aleeve or anything that has that stuff in it.

[Soupe du jour]

I just couldn't do anymore today. Hubby and I have been working our tails off all day long to prepare for the movers. There comes a time when you just have to say that it's good enough. The movers will come. Like Tim Gunn says, we'll "make it work". No matter what the buyer's mold inspector finds, we'll make it work. It will be done, even if it takes a little longer than expected. But maybe it won't.

These past four months, I have done what I had to do, which has been far far beyond what I've done for much of 12 years. I just had to do it. I had to. There was no room for becoming too ill. Of course it could have been possible that I became too ill, but I managed not to. I'm supremely happy about that and proud of my ability to use ever single coping skill possible and just keep my eye on the prize.

I'll be leaving behind a place and people that were never really adequate support for me, other than my psychiatrist. My siblings don't really care about me enough. My brother had the audacity to put some kind of guilt trip on me instead of asking "Do you need some help? I haven't really don't anything for you up to this point?"

My sister took probably close to $500 worth of groceries that I offered her. Do you know what I heard from my brother afterwards? Basically he said that my sister and brother-in-law were sort of lamenting that they don't know what to do with the stuff. I told my brother that they can shove it all in the garbage, if they like. Or would that be too much work and inconvenience for them? F them!

[Moose72]

Took N3 and S to Meijer and N3 got the gift my mom wants for Christmas. (The dog picked names out of a hat this year.)

[Nammu]

Well we exchanged gifts the safe way. It was hard on mum, she doesn’t quite understand the concept of no contact. While my daughter was picking up the gifts and leaving ours she(mum) opened the door to talk. The grandkids waved though the window and my granddaughter loved the tree 🌲. It was sad tho, being so close but not being able to talk or watch the kids open their gifts. I know my grandson is going to love his because my daughter told me today he has been begging for another Xbox gift card. I got him that and a new controller. My granddaughter was easier as she’s three. They dropped of ornaments my granddaughter painted. Apparently she loves crafts so now I know what to get her for her next birthday.

[Moose72]

I keep hearing weird things in my apartment. Some loud, some soft. Some sound like crashing. Some sound like machines running- or not running. I am watching tv, but these noises don't come from the tv. Some sound like things falling over. I do not have any pets! One time, I heard a big crash, and the trash can had fallen on its side. I think in that case, the tall step ladder that I have had gravity get the best of it and it pushed the trash over along with itself. But I still hear things coming out of the kitchen. The fridge does NOT have an automatic ice maker so its not that. It's not the neighbors because I only ever hear their shower running when I'm in the bathroom sometimes. And sometimes the neighbor right below me plays his music loudly, but it doesn't SOUND loud up here. (He gave me a note that said to text him at such and such a number if his music was too loud.) Just had to say this. I have no idea what's going on. I barely hear my neighbors. I hear the people across the hall slam their door closed and I hear their dog barking its head off all the time, but I recognize those. Just had to type this out.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Well we exchanged gifts the safe way. It was hard on mum, she doesn’t quite understand the concept of no contact. While my daughter was picking up the gifts and leaving ours she(mum) opened the door to talk. The grandkids waved though the window and my granddaughter loved the tree 🌲. It was sad tho, being so close but not being able to talk or watch the kids open their gifts. I know my grandson is going to love his because my daughter told me today he has been begging for another Xbox gift card. I got him that and a new controller. My granddaughter was easier as she’s three. They dropped of ornaments my granddaughter painted. Apparently she loves crafts so now I know what to get her for her next birthday.

Aw, that sounds wonderful! You did your very best for everyone, Nummu .

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I keep hearing weird things in my apartment. Some loud, some soft. Some sound like crashing. Some sound like machines running- or not running. I am watching tv, but these noises don't come from the tv. Some sound like things falling over. I do not have any pets! One time, I heard a big crash, and the trash can had fallen on its side. I think in that case, the tall step ladder that I have had gravity get the best of it and it pushed the trash over along with itself. But I still hear things coming out of the kitchen. The fridge does NOT have an automatic ice maker so its not that. It's not the neighbors because I only ever hear their shower running when I'm in the bathroom sometimes. And sometimes the neighbor right below me plays his music loudly, but it doesn't SOUND loud up here. (He gave me a note that said to text him at such and such a number if his music was too loud.) Just had to say this. I have no idea what's going on. I barely hear my neighbors. I hear the people across the hall slam their door closed and I hear their dog barking its head off all the time, but I recognize those. Just had to type this out.

Well, whatever is going on, I hope it gets quieter tonight.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I just couldn't do anymore today. Hubby and I have been working our tails off all day long to prepare for the movers. There comes a time when you just have to say that it's good enough. The movers will come. Like Tim Gunn says, we'll "make it work". No matter what the buyer's mold inspector finds, we'll make it work. It will be done, even if it takes a little longer than expected. But maybe it won't.

These past four months, I have done what I had to do, which has been far far beyond what I've done for much of 12 years. I just had to do it. I had to. There was no room for becoming too ill. Of course it could have been possible that I became too ill, but I managed not to. I'm supremely happy about that and proud of my ability to use ever single coping skill possible and just keep my eye on the prize.

I'll be leaving behind a place and people that were never really adequate support for me, other than my psychiatrist. My siblings don't really care about me enough. My brother had the audacity to put some kind of guilt trip on me instead of asking "Do you need some help? I haven't really don't anything for you up to this point?"

My sister took probably close to $500 worth of groceries that I offered her. Do you know what I heard from my brother afterwards? Basically he said that my sister and brother-in-law were sort of lamenting that they don't know what to do with the stuff. I told my brother that they can shove it all in the garbage, if they like. Or would that be too much work and inconvenience for them? F them!

You have done an AMAZING amount of work, Soupe. And it sounds like the bulk of it has been your responsibility, not as much your husband's. I stand in awe. I think you're making a success of your life.

And...odd, mean, even, that your brother told you about the groceries.

[Victoria'smom]

So I don't know if I'm depressed and thinking unclearly. If something in me is screaming that I'm going to crash soon.

Possible trigger:

I want to sui because I want to be remembered like this. I'm safe

I can't sleep because every time I close my eye's it feels like something (non-medizing) is standing over me. Like a ghost that needs help or something but I don't believe in ghosts. So it can't be that. So I settle on paranoia. My son's gifts got delayed so he'll have very little which means he'll watch us open gifts and not get much. Only 1/2 the presents are wrapped and we haven't got our baby tree yet. T calls in 2 days and I don't know what to say. My moods fine, I'm less psychotic. but I don't know I feel done, maybe lost. I just don't know.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

So I don't know if I'm depressed and thinking unclearly. If something in me is screaming that I'm going to crash soon.

Possible trigger:

I want to sui because I want to be remembered like this. I'm safe

I can't sleep because every time I close my eye's it feels like something (non-medizing) is standing over me. Like a ghost that needs help or something but I don't believe in ghosts. So it can't be that. So I settle on paranoia. My son's gifts got delayed so he'll have very little which means he'll watch us open gifts and not get much. Only 1/2 the presents are wrapped and we haven't got our baby tree yet. T calls in 2 days and I don't know what to say. My moods fine, I'm less psychotic. but I don't know I feel done, maybe lost. I just don't know.

I told another member today I really just wanted to die. Not by S. I am just exhausted fro constant anguish, loss. Jus done with earth. Finished

But God will not permit this. Has given me this giant to do list. Run this big company all over the world. Do not want to. And yet, we have a duty to vaccinate everyone. Which we are doing. For like zero freaking profit. Vaccines are a **** business, financially.

Anyway. Whining. I have to try to stay healthy to get the job done. Onward. Love and hugs. I really miss you guys. Wish we were not on C freaking NN all the time and so busy
Ugh.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

You have done an AMAZING amount of work, Soupe. And it sounds like the bulk of it has been your responsibility, not as much your husband's. I stand in awe. I think you're making a success of your life.

And...odd, mean, even, that your brother told you about the groceries.

Thanks, BethRags I should say that though I have done the lion's portion of the work relating to preparations for our move, maintaining the house for the move, and preparing for the movers, I must give my husband lots of credit for doing what he has for the sale/move. I must also say that he has handled absolutely everything relating to the "other side" of the move -- meaning the Czech Republic side, which is A LOT! We are lucky that we have received offers of major help from my husband's one sister and her sons. A lot! His sisters and nephews have always been very supportive and helpful to us. That is part of the reason that I look forward to the move. We need that support that we don't get, adequately, from my side of the family.

I also have to give a HUGE shout out to my husband's best friend. He has come to our house countless times to help with sorting, hauling, packing, and other tasks. That friend lives very nearby to us in NJ and will also very frequently be in Brno, Czech Republic. That is part of the reason we chose Brno area over Prague area. My husband will likely do some part-time work for that friend.

[Soupe du jour]

@childofchaos831, I'm sorry to read that you had a stroke. I apologize for not noticing that you wrote that. I've been so busy, I regret I haven't been fully up-to-date on reading posts. I do hope that you have a full recovery from it and stay well.

@Miguel'smom, @Mountaindewed, and @bpcyclist, I want to send you many virtual hugs and positive vibes that your depressions and/or other struggles ease very soon. I must confess that I am quite poor at knowing what to say when people have suicidal and/or other hopeless symptoms. I realize it is easy to say that things will change for the better with time (I believe/know that to be true), but how to get that across is difficult. I know that when a person is desperate or in great pain, some relief seems far away or impossible. I lost a loved one to suicide a few years ago. I wish I had known what to say to him, but I didn't. All I know is that this disorder is a bastard. We must fight it the best that we can. Bipolar disorder never ever deserves to destroy us.

[Soupe du jour]

Our movers are at our house today packing our stuff. I didn't know this, but they don't actually haul the stuff to the shipping truck until tomorrow, so two days of this. The guys seem quite nice, though. At this point, there's not too much more for me and my husband to do. It's a very weird feeling. Tonight our house will mostly just be a warehouse of boxes. By tomorrow night, it will be an empty shell of a house with just our bed, a couple dressers, and just a few other miscellaneous things. It will be difficult to live in such a place, so our road trip best begin soon after.

Would you believe that tomorrow and the next day are supposed to be major winter storms? They say 6 to 8 inches of snow, potentially. I'll assume that the moving truck will make it, despite, but our stuff will need to be put in their with snow falling.

I'm supposed to be tracking my blood pressure twice per day, but I've been delinquent about it. Plus, the blood pressure monitor will be packed by this afternoon. This is just not the right time for this kind of thing. If that doctor sees something concerning from my blood tests and/or ultrasound, what am I supposed to do? It would have to be dealt with after our move. I don't have any noticeable symptoms of any major problem, unless my wakeup hand tingling is.

[bpcyclist]

daladico and I hard at work in the Rose City on our neoroscience company. Hiring like crazy. Leasing a massive, gorgeous space. Paying her way too much. Wait. She is totally worth it. I forgot! Craziness!! Love and hugs to all my cherished friends!

[Mountaindewed]

I was able to use my sensory items and I actually slept decently with them. The thoughts also went away once I used them. Today I feel ok. Kinda down about group. I’m trying my hardest and I’m talking a lot but I’m not sure I’m doing what I’m supposed to and saying the right things.

[Fuzzybear]

Completely confused......
and I agree with my friend

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I was able to use my sensory items and I actually slept decently with them. The thoughts also went away once I used them. Today I feel ok. Kinda down about group. I’m trying my hardest and I’m talking a lot but I’m not sure I’m doing what I’m supposed to and saying the right things.

When will you get the results of your ultrasound?

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

When will you get the results of your ultrasound?

I got the results today and they are ok so he wants me to see another doctor to get an endoscopy done since ultrasounds won’t show stomach issues.

I wonder if it could just be anxiety... but man this is some kind of anxiety if it is.

He also thought it could be a pulled muscle. I can’t remember doing anything though. Any lifting.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I got the results today and they are ok so he wants me to see another doctor to get an endoscopy done since ultrasounds won’t show stomach issues.

I wonder if it could just be anxiety... but man this is some kind of anxiety if it is.

He also thought it could be a pulled muscle. I can’t remember doing anything though. Any lifting.

Hi Mountaindewed. I'm glad that your ultrasound results were OK. I hope that any endoscopy doesn't show anything concerning, either. You know, obviously I can't know the cause of your pain, but I do think that anxiety or extreme stress can do all kinds of major things to us. A couple of my kidney-related blood tests are abnormally above what they should be. I have done a lot of research on possible issues, and a couple do in fact state that extreme stress can elevate certain levels. Of course I don't know if that's the cause of my abnormal results for two tests, but boy have I been experiencing tons of stress.

Hugs and best wishes

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I got the results today and they are ok so he wants me to see another doctor to get an endoscopy done since ultrasounds won’t show stomach issues.

I wonder if it could just be anxiety... but man this is some kind of anxiety if it is.

He also thought it could be a pulled muscle. I can’t remember doing anything though. Any lifting.

Oh, wow - I'm glad the u/s is okay!

If it's anxiety it could make you really sick and give you a lot of pain. Anxiety can be vicious and seem like a horrible illness.

[Fuzzybear]

Even in that picture.. it is there

[Soupe du jour]

My husband and I met the assumed buyer of our house. He was actually quite nice. I was very nervous having him here, so only participated in conversations with him, briefly. Hubby said he was quite nice all of the time he spoke with him without me.

Hubby said that the mold inspector said there was nothing wrong in our basement at all. As for the attic, the mold inspector took a couple samples of something on the interior roof, but said if there is mold, it is surely a relatively "small job". This is a huge relief to Hubby and me, and I'm pretty sure that is a little bit of a relief to the assumed buyer.

The buyer did ask us a handful of questions. We tried to give nice tips on the area, and drew his attention to things we have paid to get fixed, but are still waiting on. I mentioned our perennial herb garden and beautiful perennial clematis. He asked if we would leave all of the flower boxes and shades and curtains. We will and had already planned to. I told him they "are included". We do still have a few much bigger things to use as bargaining chips, if there are some unexpected issues. We didn't mention them yet. If there are no issues that would be grounds for reducing the price, we will still offer him the bargaining chip items, probably still...and probably even for free.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Hi Mountaindewed. I'm glad that your ultrasound results were OK. I hope that any endoscopy doesn't show anything concerning, either. You know, obviously I can't know the cause of your pain, but I do think that anxiety or extreme stress can do all kinds of major things to us. A couple of my kidney-related blood tests are abnormally above what they should be. I have done a lot of research on possible issues, and a couple do in fact state that extreme stress can elevate certain levels. Of course I don't know if that's the cause of my abnormal results for two tests, but boy have I been experiences tons of stress.

Hugs and best wishes

If it’s anxiety then I’ll just have to figure out how to handle it. I’ve never had such extreme stress and anxiety where it caused weight loss though. But I guess it’s possible. Unless I do have an eating disorder and food just grosses me out and causes stomach pain. I don’t know if that’s how an eating disorder can work.

I hope your tests things turn out well and you are ok.