[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Moose72

@Mountaindewed

What is high kidney function? I have low kidney function. My dr just does a blood test and told me to drink more fluids.

I have no idea. It’s just when your creatine levels are high. I am literally just grasping at straws here trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me so please just ignore me if I’m being annoying.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi all! I think my interview went decently. I was a bit awkward per my usual, but overall I think it went well. I had to do a short assignment beforehand and then there was a mini "pop quiz". Yikes! I kept my cool, though, for the most part and was able to answer it even if it took me a sec. I should know by early next week. Fingers crossed!

Other than that I am still irritable. The gabapentin is taking the edge off, but as it starts to wear off I get really irritable. It's like there is pressure in my head. I am also all distracted and doing a bunch of stuff at the same time and not finishing things. I wonder if I am going to need to stop the wellbutrin. I am mostly sleeping okay, though. So I don't know what is up with me. I'll see my psychiatrist next week though, probably my last visit before I move. My new psychiatrist sees people in person the first time and that kind of stresses me out with Covid. Maybe I should find someone that just does telemedicine? Got to decide soon.

Take care all!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Hi all! I think my interview went decently. I was a bit awkward per my usual, but overall I think it went well. I had to do a short assignment beforehand and then there was a mini "pop quiz". Yikes! I kept my cool, though, for the most part and was able to answer it even if it took me a sec. I should know by early next week. Fingers crossed!

Other than that I am still irritable. The gabapentin is taking the edge off, but as it starts to wear off I get really irritable. It's like there is pressure in my head. I am also all distracted and doing a bunch of stuff at the same time and not finishing things. I wonder if I am going to need to stop the wellbutrin. I am mostly sleeping okay, though. So I don't know what is up with me. I'll see my psychiatrist next week though, probably my last visit before I move. My new psychiatrist sees people in person the first time and that kind of stresses me out with Covid. Maybe I should find someone that just does telemedicine? Got to decide soon.

Take care all!

I stand in awe! Congratulations on the interview and my fingers are crossed that you get the job.

You have to do whatever makes you feel safest with regard to covid. Personally, I'm sooo tired of telemedicine.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m such a mess. I need surgery because this keeps happening every single month and it will only continue until I do something about it. I’m crying over The ****ing Fox And The Hound ending right now. I just feel so messed up and my stomach hurts so badly.

I took my Xanax and my night meds. I don’t know. I haven’t had any SH thoughts.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’m such a mess. I need surgery because this keeps happening every single month and it will only continue until I do something about it. I’m crying over The ****ing Fox And The Hound ending right now. I just feel so messed up and my stomach hurts so badly.

I took my Xanax and my night meds. I don’t know. I haven’t had any SH thoughts.

Md, isn't your surgery coming up this month?

[Nammu]

Geeze, over 4000 people a day are dying. That’s war. Yet people are *****ing about restrictions and wearing masks! Over four thousand people a day! That number is just unfathomable to me! Not just one day but daily! Mum’s 93th birthday is coming up and I want to celebrate it, not worry. The vaccine is a mess as the supply’s limited and the federal level of over site is nil. Here they are still limited to health care workers and first responders. Then long term residential people then finally those over 65. I know everybody’s going on about the looters but this is war!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Geeze, over 4000 people a day are dying. That’s war. Yet people are *****ing about restrictions and wearing masks! Over four thousand people a day! That number is just unfathomable to me! Not just one day but daily! Mum’s 93th birthday is coming up and I want to celebrate it, not worry. The vaccine is a mess as the supply’s limited and the federal level of over site is nil. Here they are still limited to health care workers and first responders. Then long term residential people then finally those over 65. I know everybody’s going on about the looters but this is war!

We're on the same schedule here. I believe the situation with vaccines being distributed will improve after 1/20.

Covid and the terrorists are 2 wars. Fortunately, 13 of those dirtbags were arrested today.

[Soupe du jour]

Apparently my house's closing happened today, on my late mother's birthday. It's sort of sad, I will admit, but Hubby and I tried to celebrate in a way. Bittersweet celebration. The money will reach our account by wire sometime early next week.

My sister wrote me today that outside visitations at our father's assisted living facility are suspended "until further notice". We can visit him behind a window or virtually. The place has 17 total COVID cases right now. 7 in the hospital, 10 recovering at the facility. It is likely that I will not see him, beyond through glass, before I leave for Czech Republic. I know what that can mean. I hope it doesn't. Imagine this. This is the current reality for many.

It's less then twelve hours until the 22 anniversary

Possible trigger:

of my most serious suicide attempt.

I feel okay. I really made an effort with my mental health this week. I did three things. First, i phoned into my support group for peer-support. I had a nice conversation with a very pleasant and bright woman my age. We talked for half an hour. She has a parrot! Second, i went in the daily ZOOM drop-in hour at my support group. It did not go smoothly and i did not last the whole time but was at least a distraction and some company. Third, i also went in a ZOOM support group and lasted for one of the two hours. I find my attention-span is really shot due to COVID. Anyone else?

I got some good news today in my quarterly statement regarding my RRSP and the timing couldn't be better -- i am thrilled! I had a good night at Scrabble club this week and have been having a nice time playing on my own as well. It was sunny today and will be partly sunny tomorrow which will help too. Thank God i didn't stay in Vancouver. I crave the sun!

I'm going to have a minute of silence tomorrow at noon, the exact time of my anniversary. This is a little presumptuous but if anyone would care to join me, that would be awesome!

Hugs to all who struggle!

[Soupe du jour]

Minutes after writing the above, my husband found a buckshot lead bb in the drink the hotel bartender gave him. Luckily, he didn't consume it. I was furious and Hubby went to the room bathroom to try to vomit, in case he swollowed more. I told him we needed to report it, but Hubby didn't want to.

While Hubby was in the bathroom, I put on pants (I had just put on pajamas) and walked in the hotel towards the bar. Before that, I reported it to the front desk guy, who said shockingly little. When I got to the bar, the bartender gruffly said it was closing, but I made him hear my issue, anyway. He nastily told me to basically buzz off. I then tipped the bb out of the plastic cup and strongly and angrily bounced it off the bar. As I walked a bit away, a 60 something looking unsavory woman comes after me, threatening ly, calling me stupid, inches from my face. Unscared, I gave her a most evil eye and said nothing. Then her ZZ Top looking male companion comes inches from my face, and issued a greater threat. I gave him an even more viscious look, then turned around and left, reporting to the front desk that I was threatened by two customers and, to only a little lesser degree, the bartender.

We'll, this "stupid" woman (meaning me - sarcasm) is not so very stupid.

I can tell you that all three I mentioned above could have easily been like the mob members at the capital building in DC.

You might call me nuts for what I did, but I do anything when my husband is targeted. I did not expect the creeps would beat me up, so I held firm. They didn't achieve what they wanted. Believe me.

I sent my sister the story, including the hotel details. I called and told my brother, too, but that is a WHOLE other story.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Geeze, over 4000 people a day are dying. That’s war. Yet people are *****ing about restrictions and wearing masks! Over four thousand people a day! That number is just unfathomable to me! Not just one day but daily! Mum’s 93th birthday is coming up and I want to celebrate it, not worry. The vaccine is a mess as the supply’s limited and the federal level of over site is nil. Here they are still limited to health care workers and first responders. Then long term residential people then finally those over 65. I know everybody’s going on about the looters but this is war!

We simply can’t go on this way. I am looking forward to the change in administration and will gladly follow any requests and mandates made by the President. They gave my town only 2,000 doses of vaccine for those over 75. The line was over 5 hours long and many were turned away. Making a plan to show up hours early for mom when more is available. We really are at war.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

...
I'm going to have a minute of silence tomorrow at noon, the exact time of my anniversary. This is a little presumptuous but if anyone would care to join me, that would be awesome!

Hugs to all who struggle!

I certainly will. Hugs to you, too, whatever.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Minutes after writing the above, my husband found a buckshot lead bb in the drink the hotel bartender gave him. Luckily, he didn't consume it. I was furious and Hubby went to the room bathroom to try to vomit, in case he swollowed more. I told him we needed to report it, but Hubby didn't want to.

While Hubby was in the bathroom, I put on pants (I had just put on pajamas) and walked in the hotel towards the bar. Before that, I reported it to the front desk guy, who said shockingly little. When I got to the bar, the bartender gruffly said it was closing, but I made him hear my issue, anyway. He nastily told me to basically buzz off. I then tipped the bb out of the plastic cup and strongly and angrily bounced it off the bar. As I walked a bit away, a 60 something looking unsavory woman comes after me, threatening ly, calling me stupid, inches from my face. Unscared, I gave her a most evil eye and said nothing. Then her ZZ Top looking male companion comes inches from my face, and issued a greater threat. I gave him an even more viscious look, then turned around and left, reporting to the front desk that I was threatened by two customers and, to only a little lesser degree, the bartender.

We'll, this "stupid" woman (meaning me - sarcasm) is not so very stupid.

I can tell you that all three I mentioned above could have easily been like the mob members at the capital building in DC.

You might call me nuts for what I did, but I do anything when my husband is targeted. I did not expect the creeps would beat me up, so I held firm. They didn't achieve what they wanted. Believe me.

I sent my sister the story, including the hotel details. I called and told my brother, too, but that is a WHOLE other story.

Oh. My. God. How absolutely horrifying. Was the BB put in his drink on purpose? WTF?!?!

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Md, isn't your surgery coming up this month?

That’s another surgery for my chest. I meant a hysterectomy.

[wildflowerchild25]

I can’t keep up here. So much has happened.

In short, we found a house, put an offer, got the offer accepted. Now we’re going through the flurry of purchasing as new home as first time home buyers and my head is spinning with all the mortgage requirements, attorney review, inspections, and everything else. I had to scramble to find a lawyer as we had the offer accepted before I had even looked for one. Thank god my brother and SIL bought a house not too long ago, I was able to contact their lawyer and get him to take our case. Attorney review concludes Monday as long as the sellers agree to our lawyer’s corrections to the original contract. Then there’s still so much to do. I’ve uploaded all documents necessary but the underwriter still has to approve. I can’t be happy at all because I’m still convinced they’re going to reject the loan based on many factors that I’m nervous about. The fact that I’ve switched jobs numerous times in the last two years, and that for November and December I had to transfer a lot of money from savings into my checking to cover Christmas gift/food purchasing costs. And who knows, maybe the inspection will find something terrible. But my main fear is my finances. That’s why RS and I had to go in together, I have good credit but don’t make a lot, and he has average credit but makes twice as much. And he has job stability whereas I don’t.

I just think too much.

I had some terrible self harm dreams the other night, the night of the absolute insanity on Wednesday. I’m sure that’s what triggered them. I am not even going to go into my thoughts, I’m sure they are shared by most of us here. I just think it overwhelmed me into dreaming about taking myself out. The dreams more in depth and violent against myself than they usually are.

And of course my birth control has been out of schedule since mid November so I’ve been suffering emotional volatility. I hate myself right now because I’ve been way overeating like I usually do during PMS but instead of doing it for just a few days it’s been weeks. I’ve only gained two pounds but I worked SO HARD to lose 25 I’m convinced that I’ll never get back under control to continue losing. I’d like to at least get out of the obese range and I’m still 30lbs away from that.

And I keep getting hit by waves of depression. I’m supposed to do so much today, our bedroom is in a horrible state with clothes strewn everywhere. Packages too. I hope I can do it later. I have to take my son to see his bio grandfather, which is always a terrible time. He likes to wax on about how he is dying from some condition or another. He’s been dying (according to him) since I met him 14 years ago. He likes to talk about how sick he is and how much time he’s spent in the hospital. It’s annoying and definitely not something he should be talking about in front of my son. Well, today it’s only so he can give my son his Christmas presents. So we’re just going to pop in and then I’m going to gtfo with some sort of excuse. Basically gonna claim we have a lot to do for our mortgage process. And I’m not going to make any promises about seeing him again any time soon.

Ugh I hope after this week my hormones even out to where they are supposed to be monthly. I hate being so depressed.

[Mountaindewed]

Today I really had to pee. And I went and I was literally straining to go. Like it was really hard. That’s never happened before. So I don’t know. Maybe I do need to see a medical doctor.

I feel ok today. My anxiety is better and I actually ate dinner last night. I didn’t sleep the greatest but I slept in shifts so I got enough sleep.

My very aspegers brother just said to me “you need to get a razor because your face is hard to look at.”

I know he wasn’t trying to be a jerk but it was kind of hurtful because I’m dealing with some dysphoria today regarding the hair on my head and just general dysphoria. My mom is going to cut my hair today so hopefully that helps. But my facial hair makes me really feel like a guy and I like it so his comment bothered me.

But today I feel better then I did yesterday. A lot better.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Today I really had to pee. And I went and I was literally straining to go. Like it was really hard. ...

I wonder if it's the Geodon? I have that problem with some AP's.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I wonder if it's the Geodon? I have that problem with some AP's.

That’s a possibility. I also think I may have a UTI but I am trying to let it clear up on its own so I don’t have to go to the doctor. Although some celebrity I’ve never heard of died the other day from a UTI. So I know I need to be careful.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I can’t keep up here. So much has happened.

In short, we found a house, put an offer, got the offer accepted. Now we’re going through the flurry of purchasing as new home as first time home buyers and my head is spinning with all the mortgage requirements, attorney review, inspections, and everything else. I had to scramble to find a lawyer as we had the offer accepted before I had even looked for one. Thank god my brother and SIL bought a house not too long ago, I was able to contact their lawyer and get him to take our case. Attorney review concludes Monday as long as the sellers agree to our lawyer’s corrections to the original contract. Then there’s still so much to do. I’ve uploaded all documents necessary but the underwriter still has to approve. I can’t be happy at all because I’m still convinced they’re going to reject the loan based on many factors that I’m nervous about. The fact that I’ve switched jobs numerous times in the last two years, and that for November and December I had to transfer a lot of money from savings into my checking to cover Christmas gift/food purchasing costs. And who knows, maybe the inspection will find something terrible. But my main fear is my finances. That’s why RS and I had to go in together, I have good credit but don’t make a lot, and he has average credit but makes twice as much. And he has job stability whereas I don’t.

I just think too much.

I had some terrible self harm dreams the other night, the night of the absolute insanity on Wednesday. I’m sure that’s what triggered them. I am not even going to go into my thoughts, I’m sure they are shared by most of us here. I just think it overwhelmed me into dreaming about taking myself out. The dreams more in depth and violent against myself than they usually are.

And of course my birth control has been out of schedule since mid November so I’ve been suffering emotional volatility. I hate myself right now because I’ve been way overeating like I usually do during PMS but instead of doing it for just a few days it’s been weeks. I’ve only gained two pounds but I worked SO HARD to lose 25 I’m convinced that I’ll never get back under control to continue losing. I’d like to at least get out of the obese range and I’m still 30lbs away from that.

And I keep getting hit by waves of depression. I’m supposed to do so much today, our bedroom is in a horrible state with clothes strewn everywhere. Packages too. I hope I can do it later. I have to take my son to see his bio grandfather, which is always a terrible time. He likes to wax on about how he is dying from some condition or another. He’s been dying (according to him) since I met him 14 years ago. He likes to talk about how sick he is and how much time he’s spent in the hospital. It’s annoying and definitely not something he should be talking about in front of my son. Well, today it’s only so he can give my son his Christmas presents. So we’re just going to pop in and then I’m going to gtfo with some sort of excuse. Basically gonna claim we have a lot to do for our mortgage process. And I’m not going to make any promises about seeing him again any time soon.

Ugh I hope after this week my hormones even out to where they are supposed to be monthly. I hate being so depressed.

Congratulations on buying a new home. That's great that your offer was accepted quickly. I know some need months to find and/or sell a home. The market is still so good. Please take some tasks one thing at a time. It is stressful, but you can do it!

[Mountaindewed]

My hoodie came today and it’s a bit big. I have bought 3 hoodies from this place (Dicks Sporting Goods) in the last month and the first one was too small, then of course the new one stretched out. The second one fit fine, and this new one is a bit big. I wish I could go up a size in shirts and still lose weight. So I don’t have to shop at Hot Topic.

Today I legitimately but calmly and non confrontationally talked to my mom about why I wasn’t in therapy when I was younger and why I didn’t get my autism diagnosis until I was 15 even though I was non verbal until I was 4. I was very calm and we had been talking about other similar things before that. We were driving to and from Sonic. But yeah I mean I do blame her for not seeing the signs that are very obvious now. But I also blame my school district. She asked me if I thought if I got help when I was 4 if things would be different today. And I said “yeah. A lot different.” I ruminate on this a lot. This is the first time I’ve actually said anything though.

My mom cut my hair today. Man does it looks awful. I’m glad I wear a hat everywhere I go. At least my dysphoria isn’t freaking me out right now.

Sorry for all the negativity lately. I’m not being crabby to my family, and I wouldn’t dare email my therapist, so PC is the only place I can truly communicate what I’m feeling.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Oh. My. God. How absolutely horrifying. Was the BB put in his drink on purpose? WTF?!?!

I am now almost certain it was. It was a shock, though.

I can firmly say that any black, brown, or Asian customer would likely be treated horribly by that trio, or worse, but now the hate extends further yet. My husband's European accent? My northern US accent? The fact that we ordered (or wanted to order) expensive drinks to celebrate our house sale? Assumption that our political beliefs are different? Maybe. I can say that Hubby and I were nothing but polite and friendly to that waiter and even gave him a good tip. I guess it didn't matter.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I am now almost certain it was. It was a shock, though.

I can firmly say that any black, brown, or Asian customer would likely be treated horribly by that trio, or worse, but now the hate extends further yet. My husband's European accent? My northern US accent? The fact that we ordered (or wanted to order) expensive drinks to celebrate our house sale? Assumption that our political beliefs are different? Maybe. I can say that Hubby and I were nothing but polite and friendly to that waiter and even gave him a good tip. I guess it didn't matter.

How absolutely horrible. The ignorance that's seeping out from between the cracks at this time is truly a horror show. I'm so sorry you've had such a traumatizing experience.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Minutes after writing the above, my husband found a buckshot lead bb in the drink the hotel bartender gave him. Luckily, he didn't consume it. I was furious and Hubby went to the room bathroom to try to vomit, in case he swollowed more. I told him we needed to report it, but Hubby didn't want to.

While Hubby was in the bathroom, I put on pants (I had just put on pajamas) and walked in the hotel towards the bar. Before that, I reported it to the front desk guy, who said shockingly little. When I got to the bar, the bartender gruffly said it was closing, but I made him hear my issue, anyway. He nastily told me to basically buzz off. I then tipped the bb out of the plastic cup and strongly and angrily bounced it off the bar. As I walked a bit away, a 60 something looking unsavory woman comes after me, threatening ly, calling me stupid, inches from my face. Unscared, I gave her a most evil eye and said nothing. Then her ZZ Top looking male companion comes inches from my face, and issued a greater threat. I gave him an even more viscious look, then turned around and left, reporting to the front desk that I was threatened by two customers and, to only a little lesser degree, the bartender.

We'll, this "stupid" woman (meaning me - sarcasm) is not so very stupid.

I can tell you that all three I mentioned above could have easily been like the mob members at the capital building in DC.

You might call me nuts for what I did, but I do anything when my husband is targeted. I did not expect the creeps would beat me up, so I held firm. They didn't achieve what they wanted. Believe me.

I sent my sister the story, including the hotel details. I called and told my brother, too, but that is a WHOLE other story.

That is really scary. I don’t like traveling unless I stay at a Hampton Inn.

I stayed at a hotel, a Ramada, near Niagara Falls Canada in 2018 I felt was shady. The restaurant inside was ok but the hotel and the people who worked there gave me the creeps. There were like no lights in the hotel. The whole hotel was basically dark. Luckily I had gotten some melatonin at a Walmart in Pennsylvania that morning and I took that and an Ativan so I could just sleep through the night until we left the next day. That was for sure the most uncomfortable hotel experience I’ve had.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

How absolutely horrible. The ignorance that's seeping out from between the cracks at this time is truly a horror show. I'm so sorry you've had such a traumatizing experience.

Thanks, BethRags! I don't think I would say I'm traumatized, though. Just beyond furious and disgusted with how some people act...to my foundation. Trump made it worse, for sure, but it obviously always existed. I will say that looking back on it, I think I experienced a little depersonalization during the confrontations. It started at the moment when I realized my suspicion was right, that it was a deliberate hate act and the bartender was not apologizing. Without thinking, I slammed that pellet/bb so hard on the bar that it sounded like it ricocheted off two walls. Maybe even almost hit those two aggressive people (who I believe gave the bartender the idea, in the first place). I recall the bartender moving further away. I didn't recall his presence afterwards. When the woman came up into my face, I stood looking at her thinking she was crazy. Then her companion, ZZ Top-like took her place. What I recall then was giving him a death stare. He must have backed off because then I turned and left starting to speak again for the first time, slightly ranting that I couldn't believe they were Americans. Not sure if they heard that. When I reached the front desk clerk, I simply told him I was threatened. His response was simply "I am sorry." I believed him, but felt he was unlikely to report a thing... maybe out of fear or resignation???? Sad but too common.

I am a pretty tough lady. In some ways I probably intimidated them more than vice versa. However, there is a chance one or more of that fine trio had a gun. Where did that buckshot pellet come from otherwise? Not the sky. If they had used it, their regret would have been multitudes worse. The fact is, only cowards keep guns on them for aggressive purposes. There was no deer or duck hunting going on. None were cops.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

That is really scary. I don’t like traveling unless I stay at a Hampton Inn.

I stayed at a hotel, a Ramada, near Niagara Falls Canada in 2018 I felt was shady. The restaurant inside was ok but the hotel and the people who worked there gave me the creeps. There were like no lights in the hotel. The whole hotel was basically dark. Luckily I had gotten some melatonin at a Walmart in Pennsylvania that morning and I took that and an Ativan so I could just sleep through the night until we left the next day. That was for sure the most uncomfortable hotel experience I’ve had.

Thanks, Mountaindewed!

I have been around that area, too. I think the Canadian side is much nicer than the US side. That was good thinking finding a way to tolerate that place.

I'm certainly glad we moved on. And I agree that Hampton Hotels are more reliably descent.