[*Beth*]

Decreased the AP and I'm crashing and burning. I was happy for 2 days, everything was great. Then irritable, angry, anxious, agitated. Can't stop "fixing" things so they'll be "better", but my work is never good enough - which increases my irritability. I'm ready to scream, why can't I just throw the damn medication away and be done with it? Why can't I be better already?

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm starting to really feel the stress of the upcoming move. Feelings of mild depression, anxiety (I took an Ativan), anger/irritability/frustration, and discomfort of expectations as a guest at Hubby's friend's house. Of course they mean well, but it was a bad decision to leave the hotel. Anyway, we will make this last day work. Tomorrow we leave for the airport hotel.

Hubby and I both just had rapid covid tests. Mine is negative. Hubby had to go back in because his was invalid. Second try predictably was negative. Basically, I had more nasal mucus than him, so mine was easier.

I’ve truly been impressed with everything you’ve done to get ready for this move and how well you’ve handled everything. There are people without a mental illness that couldn’t have handled it half as well. I wish you luck and a smooth transition.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Yeah, my anxiety is through the roof. All.day.long. Day after day after day. I'm finding myself exhausted by its unrelenting nature. Also, looking to move. Not entirely unrelated, though more of a propellant to action than the cause of it.

Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. That's what's up with me. And I've got to tell my current landlady in just a little while (need to eat first). So throw that on the anxiety heap...

Hugs, my peeps.

P.S. I have been listening to that 10 hour ad-free rain YouTube A LOT.

Ahhhhhh I am sorry you are struggling with Anxiety The state of the world and your moving, I'm not surprised your struggling. I wish I had magic words... 10 hours of rain on a Loop sounds soothing to some degree at least..

Be extra kind to yourself my friend

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

My husband still needs to finish packing his stuff. As usual, I've been ready for a while. We'll stay at his best friend's house again for two nights, then off towards the airport.

Today I see my dad, through glass with us talking through cell phones. Then we go to a restaurant to meet my sister and nephew. My brother will meet us in the restaurant parking lot right before. He does not wish to join lunch because he says he might have been exposed to covid. What sad ways to have to say goodbye! The reason I am not going to my sister's or brother's houses is because Sis lives in a near hoarding house (her husband and son's doing). My brother keeps our Dad's house very messy, too. I'm the only one who keeps a clean house, but living in a hotel lately doesn't make for a pleasant meeting location.

My family and I plan to communicate in the future mostly through WhatsApp. At least that exists. Strangely, we may end up communicating with each other more often because of it.

All I can think to do is give you a big hug I cant imagine having to say goodbye to your father with glass between you.. Heartbreaking.

Your life has been in a whirlwind for sooooooooo long now. I am happy that you do have a flight and to start the next chapter of your life.

I am so grateful that we have technology that allows us to keep in touch with people near and far, such a blessing.

Try and find moments of peace, any at all

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’ve truly been impressed with everything you’ve done to get ready for this move and how well you’ve handled everything. There are people without a mental illness that couldn’t have handled it half as well. I wish you luck and a smooth transition.

Thank you so much, Jennifer ! You know, there is great strength in us all. Sometimes we just have to wait for the right time to gather it in greater amounts.

If you asked me five years ago if today was possible, I would have thought not.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I have thankfully moved on from my initial fury at my grandmother’s request to essentially take care of my mom’s house for her. I have decided I will address the plumbing issue as that could lead to a more serious issue such as mold but I am stepping back after that. If asked why I will be honest with my grandma. There’s just too much wrong from years of neglect that if my mom isn’t planning on moving there’s no reason to do anything. Especially because if we did, and trust me it would be tens of thousands of dollars to fix all the damage, she would just neglect it again and it would all be for naught. So if there is a dangerous issue I will help but everything else is out of my hands.

In all honesty the best thing to do is for my mom to rent an apartment in an apartment complex and sell the house to one of those companies that buys houses for cash. Let someone else deal with flipping it. It’s actually a nice sized house in a desirable neighborhood so if someone wanted to take on the chore of completely renovating they could get a pretty penny. But I’m certainly not going to be the one to cajole my mom into parting with her precious possessions (literal junk). And I’m also not going to convince her to move. She’s mentioned it but I know she won’t. She gets paralyzed by changes and decisions. She can’t even manage to pay her bills on time or get regular car maintenance. Her car has been out of inspection for eight months. Her car was out of registration for eight months as well and it wasn’t until she realized if she got pulled over she could have her car impounded that she actually did anything. And even then I had to make the appointment for her, AND I had to find somewhere other than the nearby city because she’s scared of it. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway. The house we're-trying to get was inspected and there were easily fixable electrical issues. But there was also termite damage. I know the sellers know about it because they put in our contract that they would only pay for $750 of repairs. But fortunately the inspector said it was relatively minor and shouldn’t cost too much to fix anyway. Just a matter of reinforcing some floor beams. I had a dream that the sale fell through because of it. I won’t relax until we close (if we do). I’m not allowing myself to think too much about decorating ideas or anything like that. There’s another house that just went up for sale near my son’s school too but I’m very leery of that one. Only 190k for a three bedroom, two bath house? And no inside pictures? Sounds suspicious to me. Especially for the neighborhood.

Sorry your dealing with your Mom.. I know that must be horrible on all levels.

I am so happy that you guys are buying a home!! Congrads.. My first house I bought on my own and I literally was in a constant state of anxiety up until at the closing when all the papers were signed.. Its good that the inspection went well. Try not to worry too much ( easier said than done I know) I am just so excited for you to have a family and home of your own

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Decreased the AP and I'm crashing and burning. I was happy for 2 days, everything was great. Then irritable, angry, anxious, agitated. Can't stop "fixing" things so they'll be "better", but my work is never good enough - which increases my irritability. I'm ready to scream, why can't I just throw the damn medication away and be done with it? Why can't I be better already?

Oh Beth

I'm sorry your not doing well. Do you think you should go back up on the AP? The world is crazy right now. I dont know a single person including myself that doesnt want to just fling meds out the window and move on with life.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you

[~Christina]

I have an Appt with my Pdoc in Feb. when I had the TIA in Nov, the Neurologist had me to stop Seroquel cold turkey.... I've been feeling pretty bad mentally off and on and in the last few weeks its very clear I need to be on something more than just Lamictal. My Pdoc is back from 4 month medical leave in Feb, I think it will be hard to find something that wont cause weight gain or problems maintaining my blood sugar.. So until then I'll deal with anger that is ramping up and low depression.. I'm basically mixed. I have great friends that I am in touch with daily so if I dont see something they will point it out.

Our puppy ?? Gus is hilarious and he is a huge distraction. Its fun to watch the dogs play.

So yeah life isn't all that pleasant but I am really pushing myself to get by.

Love and hugs to all

I've been without a job for awhile now. I haven't taught in a few years now, but there are more than one reason for that -- but today I was judged rather harshly by someone for both my anxiety and not working. It really hurt. It made me feel like I am not an adult, not anything but a pathetic excuse of a person. I guess in a lot of ways that is true.

Just wanted to share it's been a hard day for me.

MarcusAurelius.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

I've been without a job for awhile now. I haven't taught in a few years now, but there are more than one reason for that -- but today I was judged rather harshly by someone for both my anxiety and not working. It really hurt. It made me feel like I am not an adult, not anything but a pathetic excuse of a person. I guess in a lot of ways that is true.

Just wanted to share it's been a hard day for me.

MarcusAurelius.

I feel the same way sometimes. Like since I don't work that I am a loser. Tomorrow I think I'll write in my blog again and clean the tub or something.

[Moose72]

I wrote in my blog today about my recent bout of paranoia and anxiety. I'd like to keep writing in it. Sometimes I write some really good stuff!

In other news, I had a pretty bad asthma attack tonight. I was coughing up gunk and my chest hurt. I used my spirometer- you blow in it and it gives you a number to tell you how well you are breathing. It registered about 400 after I used my albuterol inhaler. I don't know it that's good or not because I lost the paper I got from my doctor saying what my numbers are for each zone: green for everything's ok; yellow for take your meds and call you doctor and red for go to the hospital. I think red is something like 200 or less. Anyway, the chest pain went away and no more gunk or shortness of breath so ER visit averted. I really should get an appointment to redo my spirometer levels though.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Ahhhhhh I am sorry you are struggling with Anxiety The state of the world and your moving, I'm not surprised your struggling. I wish I had magic words... 10 hours of rain on a Loop sounds soothing to some degree at least..

Be extra kind to yourself my friend

Always good to see you around, Christina! I hope you can figure out something to replace the seroquel.

Got a text today that we got approved for the place. So moving is for real. (Ugh, moving lol). It's been super busy at work, so I'm putting in extra hours just to keep up. So moving in the midst of that will be a blast. There are only a few stairs, which will be a big change. I haven't told my roommate yet. I dread it. We get along great. And I will miss the dog like crazy! I will have to visit.

Well, just got home. Gotta eat!

Possible trigger:

Quite suicidal tonight, with plans.

Have decided to cope by becoming an alcoholic. That'll be good for a few months, years. Everything is so unpleasant. Irritable. Not sustainable.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Oh Beth

I'm sorry your not doing well. Do you think you should go back up on the AP? The world is crazy right now. I dont know a single person including myself that doesnt want to just fling meds out the window and move on with life.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you

*sigh* Yes...I increased the AP last night. I do think I can do well on slightly less than I was taking, but still need a moderate dose. The crazy world is having more of an effect on me that I'd like it to.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I have an Appt with my Pdoc in Feb. when I had the TIA in Nov, the Neurologist had me to stop Seroquel cold turkey.... I've been feeling pretty bad mentally off and on and in the last few weeks its very clear I need to be on something more than just Lamictal. My Pdoc is back from 4 month medical leave in Feb, I think it will be hard to find something that wont cause weight gain or problems maintaining my blood sugar.. So until then I'll deal with anger that is ramping up and low depression.. I'm basically mixed. I have great friends that I am in touch with daily so if I dont see something they will point it out.

Our puppy ?? Gus is hilarious and he is a huge distraction. Its fun to watch the dogs play.

So yeah life isn't all that pleasant but I am really pushing myself to get by.

Love and hugs to all

Extra hugs I'm glad your pdoc is returning soon...my fingers a re crossed that you find a suitable replacement for the Seroquel.

Sorry about my last post. Of course i'm not going to become an alcoholic. It was just nonsense.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Sorry about my last post. Of course i'm not going to become an alcoholic. It was just nonsense.

We all have those days when self destructive acts appeal. I’m glad your not really entertaining the idea.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hey all, still feeling down and trying to motivate myself to pack. At least I did most of the kitchen yesterday. I also need to donate my old car and I really hope I can find that darn title. I am the worst with that kind of stuff. Yesterday the psych resident told me to try fixing my iron levels first to see if that helps my depression, but then called back today and was like actually if you want to try stopping the gabapentin you can. I think he probably talked to the psychiatrist about that. Depression is a warning for gabapentin and I think all antiepileptics maybe?

I honestly feel like such an annoying patient and like they seem a bit frustrated with me and I feel really awkward about all that. Nothing I can do about these med responses, though. Anyways, it is all probably going to work out even if it doesn't feel like it right now, and I am aware my life is good in many ways even if it doesn't feel that way. I am going to go figure out this car title thing. Get out of this chair and do something productive. I stopped doing my walks and most of my healthy habits, just don't even have the willpower but need to.

Sending compassion to everyone.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

Possible trigger:

Quite suicidal tonight, with plans.

Have decided to cope by becoming an alcoholic. That'll be good for a few months, years. Everything is so unpleasant. Irritable. Not sustainable.

Call your crisis team!

[Moose72]

I just got Disney Plus! I'm sharing my mom's account. Woot. Watching a documentary called "The Imagineering Story". Fun!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Hey all, still feeling down and trying to motivate myself to pack. At least I did most of the kitchen yesterday. I also need to donate my old car and I really hope I can find that darn title. I am the worst with that kind of stuff. Yesterday the psych resident told me to try fixing my iron levels first to see if that helps my depression, but then called back today and was like actually if you want to try stopping the gabapentin you can. I think he probably talked to the psychiatrist about that. Depression is a warning for gabapentin and I think all antiepileptics maybe?

I honestly feel like such an annoying patient and like they seem a bit frustrated with me and I feel really awkward about all that. Nothing I can do about these med responses, though. Anyways, it is all probably going to work out even if it doesn't feel like it right now, and I am aware my life is good in many ways even if it doesn't feel that way. I am going to go figure out this car title thing. Get out of this chair and do something productive. I stopped doing my walks and most of my healthy habits, just don't even have the willpower but need to.

Sending compassion to everyone.

It seems like all psych meds have the possible side effects of depression or anxiety. Even the meds that are supposed to treat those conditions sometimes do the opposite of what they're supposed to do.

I feel like my pdoc is sometimes annoyed with me, too. But you are absolutely correct - we cannot help how our bodies and minds react to medications. And truthfully, I think most of us feel like our care providers are annoyed with us. When I've been courageous and actually asked the providers if they are they always say Of course not! This is my job. In truth, I think if anything, they feel like it's on them if we aren't doing well.

I'm with you on walks. I make a huge effort to do some kind of exercise, even if 10 minutes of stretches, every day. And I was taking regular walks, but I've slacked off. I truly dislike walking, unless I'm in a large city with lots of things to look at. I find walking through suburban streets so lonely and even boring.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing ok. I just had to take a break from PC. I felt like I was becoming too dependent on it. I also had to deactivate my Facebook account. The news was too triggering. I was panicked all weekend about my therapist. I didn’t want to fire her. I had just had a panic attack while sending her the email. I had my mom send one Sunday night explaining how I felt like my surgery in October changed my personality and how I’ve just become angry and moody because of my UTI.(the at home test is still showing I have one but I feel fine) My therapist replied that I misunderstood her and she just needed to create boundaries in emails and that she’d be happy to continue to work with me.

So I saw her today. I kept it very business. We talked about the emails. She just said again that it was a safety thing. But she was pretty enthusiastic that I had learned stuff in the program. She did ask how I know when something isn’t going to work out and when I feel like it will work out. I felt like she was kind of asking about me and her. I mentioned that one therapist I had. I didn’t make any connection to current T. Basically I was just treading really carefully today and keeping it professional. We did not keep track of the time which kinda threw me off for a bit afterwards. I felt like it was kind of an abrupt ending. But I see her again next Tuesday. So I didn’t fire her. She was very nice and more non business then I was being. And she was not being standoffish the way I kind of politely was being.

I called my primary this morning. I asked him if I could split my dose of my injection in half and take it every week instead of every other week. I feel like that will level out my moods since this transition is mainly why my moods have been so ****ed up for 10 months.

I see my Pdoc in a couple hours. I plan on having him keep everything the same since primary has already adjusted things today.

[Mountaindewed]

I just did my Pdoc appointment lying down in my bed on my side. It went fine. Just the same get a better sleep schedule and are you happy with your meds stuff. I don’t feel good again. I had a bunch of diarrhea this morning. I forced myself to eat lunch thinking I just needed to eat. I thought therapy was the problem after. Now I’m not focused on it. I’ve been uncontrollably shaking for a few hours. My breathing is a bit rapid. My eyes are watering. If I don’t throw up tonight, which I feel like I might, I’ll just sleep it off.

[*Beth*]

Not okay. Can't stop crying and feeling ecstatic. I want non-existence. I can't believe that decreasing an AP would do this to me, I think something else is going on. I think I'm having a mixed state episode. I'm scared when this happens, I feel out of control. I should just go to sleep, but that sounds like the stupidest waste of time imaginable. However, it is in my best interest to sleep so I took extra medication, hoping it will just knock me under.

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby and I fly to Europe today. I'll share about some cool things yesterday/today a bit after we arrive there. Luckily the weather is good both at origin and destination. It feels strange having a one-way ticket. We will have to check-in the old-fashioned way because of that. Not for Hubby, but for me since I am not a European citizen and it's a pandemic. We will have our negative Covid test results and marriage certificate in hand. We were married in our destination country, so it is written in both my husband's native language and English. That's perhaps extra helpful.