[busymomof5]

I applied for a job that had 4 phases of interviewing and was quite strenuous. During the process, some red flags were raised about the company that were significant. I shared my experiences with my parents as I went through the process. My parents are obsessed with me picking up my career again, and pushed me and pushed me. I’m 50 btw. Every time I said I didn’t want the job, they beat me down and demanded I take it. My husband and I talked. He said with the company red flags and my severe ocd and mood symptoms, he thought I should not take it. My parents no nothing about my mental illness.

I was offered the job, said yes, reflected on it, and respectfully turned it down. Here’s the crazy. My two best friends and my parents pushed me to work and didn’t listen for one second about my concerns. I couldn’t tell them I didn’t take the job. My parents will be super disappointed and one of my friends will think I’m incompetent.

I decided just not to mention the job and hope no one would bring it up. No such luck. I get daily questions. The result is that I started lying about how the job was going. This led to more lies. And more lies. I’m 3 weeks in and my guilt and anxiety is through the roof. I absolutely know this can’t go on but I can’t own up to lying. I will lose my friends and my parents will be so incredibly disappointed. I can’t stress enough how hard they pushed me and how they minimized my feelings.

Help. What do I do?

[Crazy Hitch]

Can you say you were made redundant?

[abigail wenderson]

Hi busymomof5,

I can feel how difficult time you are going through. But I think you should share everything about your mental health with your parents and friends. They will understand you and help you to feel better.

Ouch. Well, hard as it is, it'd be best to come clean. Upholding the lie will only get trickier to navigate. If your parents are disappointed, that's on them. You have to take care of yourself and honor your noting of the red flags. It's not incompetency to turn down a job you determined to not be a good fit. I think it would be weird for your friend to interpret it as incompetency. But you know her better. And remember, it's not like they will think better when the truth does come to light. And you know it will. I know it's hard, but easier in the long run to rip that bandaid off, and sooner than later.

I recently watched a series on Netflix called "Sick". The whole thing started with a lie, and escalated big time. If you're thinking maybe keeping up the charade will not be so difficult, it might be worth a watch. Sure, it's a cautionary tale, but it also has funny stuff. It stars Rupert Grint of Harry Potter fame. Anyhow, I digress...

[Soupe du jour]

I'm so sorry that your parents and friend harass you so much about jobs that you resort to lying. I will emphasize the word "harass".

As an almost 50 year old (only half a year or more older than me), I say that decisions about you working (or not) are only between you and your husband. It is good to read that your husband at least understands and supports you in seeking an opportunity that would not be destabilizing.

As for coming clean or perpetuating a lie, I would lean towards the coming clean. If your parents and friends again harass you, you may have to tell them it's time for them to respect your and your husband's decisions because they are no longer mommy and daddy. You are more than an adult and you and your husband obviously know better what is best for you. You may even want to tell them that firmly. I would think that if they continue the harassment, they may find themselves left out of the loop more and more. Basically, "Enough if enough!" in terms of their pressure on you. "Enough!"

[busymomof5]

You all are very helpful. There was a video mock performance interview for an hour that I didn’t feel comfortable doing. I told my best friend and she basically told me that either I was a professional or I wasn’t. If I thought I wasn’t capable/competent to not do it. After that I felt I had to do it. My parents and friends don’t know about my struggles with mental illness. They would not be understanding. I’ve hidden this from them my entire adult life. The only people that know are my pdoc, my husband, and two of my adult children.

The company is a start up. I’m thinking of doing two things: They require us to get our professional information certified by a certain date through a website that takes hours to navigate and fill things out. I’m thinking of saying the website had issues and I couldn’t verify my credentials and had to stop working (weak) or after a few months saying the startup failed and shut down.

[RoxanneToto]

I think telling them you lost the job through no fault of your own is probably the best course of action. But it’s really not right for them to bully you into a position where you felt you had to lie in the first place. Your career should be your choice, within reason. It’s not their life to live! Is there an element of them trying to live vicariously through you?

[MickeyCheeky]

i am So Sorry this is happening to You! i Agree with ALL the other Wise And Wonderful People. i'd suggest to simply tell the Truth. i know how hard it can be but it is YOUR Career And You have EVERY RIGHT to refuse a job if You feel like it isn't a Good fit. Hopefully they'll UnderstAnd And Your FriEnds too if They TRULY Care About You. SEnding Many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @busymomof5, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Fuzzybear]

I'm so sorry you've been experiencing this. I cannot relate due to the aspect of your parents. (mine would just say ''its my decision'' in a mean voice...) I think, the fewer lies we tell, the healthier it is. (for us and others)... Sometimes it's not possible. I screwed up an interview that sounded similar to yours. Due to anxiety.....(my parents did also harrass me although soon became too ''indifferent'' to even care.) It does not define us. (although some would like to say it does )

[busymomof5]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I think telling them you lost the job through no fault of your own is probably the best course of action. But it’s really not right for them to bully you into a position where you felt you had to lie in the first place. Your career should be your choice, within reason. It’s not their life to live! Is there an element of them trying to live vicariously through you?

My parents have always had hi expectations of me. They are both in their 70’s and work. I was admitted to medical school years ago and it was the only time I felt my dad really loved me. I decided to get married and surprisingly got pregnant. I tried to defer school, but when my dad found out I was pregnant, his first words were “great. Now you’ll never be anything!” He has a thing about me having a career.

[Fuzzybear]

Yeah. My ''dad'' stopped ''loving'' me when I did not get three grade A's for A levels so did not become a ''medic'' as was his desire.