My past continually assails me, daily. Hurts my head. Anyone else?

Throughout every day things remind me of my past, especially when I screwed up and hurt people because of BP. It hurts my head and is getting out of hand, assailing me constantly. My therapist and I are trying to figure out how to get this to stop. She says I must forgive myself. I think I am angry that I have bipolar - a recent insight. She's going to help me learn mindfulness and detachment from these thoughts. I really cannot take it! Does anyone else feel this way?

I feel the same. I keep trying to ''move on'' from flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, etc. But they are part of my ''illness'' I suppose Things do remind me of past pain... I wish they didn't. I don't have answers except for the usual advice. I think EMDR helps some people if they have a dual diagnosis. I'm glad you have a therapist who listens, that is invaluable. Also I think DBT helps some people (not just people with ''borderline''... mindfulness is part of that. I've been trying to learn mindfulness on my own (have not found a supportive therapist and the tele''health'' thing doesn't help, I wouldn't like that and would make my anxiety worse) I think we do need to forgive ourselves, for not being perfect....everyone messes up especially when in a lot of pain.

I tell myself that no matter what I have done I already felt the guilt of it all twice over. My version of BP is filled with guilt. Also getting out of the house and being around other fun/interesting/different people helps too.

Memories of shameful things i did in the past are a big problem for me too. Like you, they attack me all thru the day. I roast in shame when i think of how i embarrassed myself, especially when (hypo)manic. I've noticed that when i feel bad, i also condemn myself for feeling bad, like, "There she goes again, abusing herself." (I call myself a stupid idiot passionately.) I've decided to stop feeling bad about the feeling bad and just accept that i DO feel ashamed of myself, that i DID act stupidly in that instance, rather than trying to reject my feelings. I guess this is a strategy of last resort, when other methods have not helped.

Sorry you're feeling this way too. I know how painful it is. I hope you find a method that works for you.

I am almost constantly haunted by the consequences that came from the worst attack of mania I've ever had, September through November 2018. Although I have asked the people I hurt during that time to forgive me, no one has. (So much for not stigmatizing mental illness.) I lost several relationships, one of them my daughter, with whom I was extremely close. I don't know when she will communicate with me again. I consider the other relationships permanently lost. That episode left me with a big loss of confidence in myself, and a loss of faith in other people. There have definitely been other times, too. Not as bad, but not great, either.

wolftrap, it sounds like you therapist has a good approach to helping you with this. She obviously gets it.

I have, indeed, had periods when I dwelled too much on the past and felt burdened by it. I understand what you and the others who've posted here feel. I can say that I have been freed from most all of it, and only on rare occasions do such thoughts pop up again. When they do, I can manage to become free from them again, quickly. Your therapist's planned approach, combined with other CBT tools are what I go to for help. Of course it takes practice and patience, sometimes.

I can't say this is a good solution for all, but for me I found writing my story on my blog helped. It was like putting it out there and then closing the "page" was effective.

So Sorry to hear about what happened to you guys! i am REALLY HAPPY that your therapist is trying to help you, though, wolftrap, and Hopefully you will be able to get through this. We can't change the past but we can change how we react to it so that we can learn for coping with similar situations in the future. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @wolftrap, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

@Fuzzybear, thanks for this. I had not heard of EMDR or DBT but they look like they are worth discussing with my therapist.

@whatever2013 I feel the same way about times I embarrassed myself when hypomanic and manic. It just wish these things hadn't happened. I like your method of acceptance.

@BethRags I am so sorry that you and your daughter are estranged. I can only imagine the hurt. I, too, have lost many relationships when manic.

I screwed up so badly last year when I was manic psychotic at work. I’m still not over it. I do meditation and work with my therapist but these thoughts invade my mind 24/7 stuck on repeat and replay.

Hey @wolftrap I really identify with you. I too have screwed up considerable due to bipolarII ( when I was non compliant with meds) and alcoholism (8 years sober) I have made amends and am compliant with medication and everyone has forgiven me but if I think to hard about it i will start to cry again. I think we have to take our families at face value if they say they have forgiven us or accept our amends but its so hard. I believe one of the hallmarks of bipolar is regret for our episodes.

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Originally Posted by wolftrap Throughout every day things remind me of my past, especially when I screwed up and hurt people because of BP. It hurts my head and is getting out of hand, assailing me constantly. My therapist and I are trying to figure out how to get this to stop. She says I must forgive myself. I think I am angry that I have bipolar - a recent insight. She's going to help me learn mindfulness and detachment from these thoughts. I really cannot take it! Does anyone else feel this way?

Definitely not alone, my friend. I feel like I keep having this "why didn't I just...not do that?" kind of dialogue in my head and sometimes even panicking over how I put myself and others in serious danger, so it's a reminder that I gotta make sure I'm on top of this illness so I don't get to those states again. Working on being proactive. It's only really bad when I'm living in my head though, so when it gets bad I make sure to go spend a day outside doing something fun.