[wildflowerchild25]

I recovered from my morning anxiety. Now I’m just in a foul mood overall. It’s the new variant. I think I have to go off the radar with social media again. It just pisses me off to see all the blatant, willing ignorance that floats around there, not necessarily about the virus but about pretty much every single thing that comes across my newsfeed. I hate how people feel it’s ok to say whatever they want, no matter how vile, just because they’re behind an anonymous screen. I felt better in the last two months when I wasn’t checking Facebook. It’s just too much for me.

Program is ending for me on august 16. I am happy and feel that I’ve done some really great work. Once I had the bipolar aspect under control I was really able to focus on the PTSD aspect. That’s something that’s going to take a very long time to work on but at least I see it now and can almost admit that it’s there and it’s real. Almost. And I think I’m finally getting somewhere with my disability claim. Hell I might have actual payment by the end of summer, about 4 months after I first went out! And this is private disability insurance, imagine if I had to deal with the state. I don’t think I’d ever get payment through the state with how backed up things are.

Now I have to contend with the water company who’s been charging me for this property and the property I no longer live at. When I called the person on the phone said I never called to close the account on the other property. FALSE. Why would I open a new service agreement on a new address without closing the other one at the same time? I can remember that I most definitely did make a request to close out the other house. This person is trying to argue saying I need a lease to show I moved out. What sense does that make? You have a lease to show you moved IN, not OUT. If I get another bill next quarter I’m going to take it upon myself to record the call. This water company is trash anyway, they are notorious for this type of disorganization, double charging people, not sending out bills and then sending late fees, claiming you never paid when you did…not to mention a century old pipe system that was until rather recently full of lead and often becomes a boil water situation to the point that they recommend not even getting water in your mouth in the shower!!! And they raised the tax on water so my bill almost doubled!

I really hate the sound of crackly vinyl records

I didn't realise how much I hate the sound until a radio station I listen to did a whole hour of old music from the 1960's

they don't sound good at all.. hate them

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

My heart breaks for you.

Is your husband in the room for your Pdoc appts due to a language issue? Honesty I cant imagine my husband being with me to a Pdoc appt. Im glad your set up with a T I hate that its a month wait. You do need to be able to just dump everything out of your head and know that its a safe place to do so.

I would move to another room. You really need some alone time to do what you want to, sleep, read, etc. Can you go buy some groceries that wont require you to cook daily.. Like stuff for sandwiches or whatever.. Something that your husband can just make himself.. He's not giving you the support and help you need. No way could I continue to feed him actual meals.

Take care of YOU

Thanks, Christina

My new psychiatrist's English is quite good. He lived and practiced for a while in the UK. The main reasons for him wanting my husband to join me were more to get a second hand perspective of my "baseline" mood and discuss issues relating to my insurance set up. With that done, I think he'll now be fine seeing me alone. My upcoming new therapist's English may actually be slightly less fluent, but it's OK. I have a lot of experience communicating with people who speak the language as a "second language".

I did spend most of yesterday in another room. It was helpful. I'll take your suggestion regarding easy meals. As much as I like to cook, it is tough having to make and serve three more formal meals per day. Sometimes I do want him to fend for himself. The trouble is that when I try to do that he usually starts lurking around when I'm preparing my own meal. I guess I need to truly pick something he won't eat. Even then, he asks me what he should have. I wish I didn't always have to come up with ideas. I tell him that and he states that he doesn't want to eat anything I have planned for some other meal. Valid point, but still...I need to just buy him some stinky cheeses or liver pate, which I dislike.

I'm glad you got that extra time with your tdoc. And I could go for a cupcake, too. Cakey stuff is my weakness. Hopefully there won't be a new covid variant. It would be beyond awful if a new one came that the vaccine couldn't handle. At least it does still provide good protection against Delta.

It's interesting. Therapists in Czech Republic still require masks, but my psychiatrist insists I not wear one, when I am in his office (I must in the waiting rokm). I'm not sure if it is his own rule (he is vaccinated) or allowed. It is unclear sometimes. I've seen other workers without (like in the Honda dealership), in cases where there is a glass shield. When required, it is strict in CZ that the masks be N95 type respirators. Cloth ones aren't good enough.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Moose72

That sounds awesome. I haven't had a haircut in quite a while- since February or March. But that's because it's $70 a cut! Well, with tip it is. Sometimes, I think that I should just cut my hair to a pixie cut- I keep it pulled back anyway, right? But my hair is curly and I think it would just turn out like N3's hair- lots of ringlets around my head! Poor guy got my curly hair.

Nothing wrong with curls. I embrace mine. My hair always had a curly under layer, but as I aged the whole mop became curly. My old hairstylist got to the point where she said I should just accept them. I preferred that because trying to straighten it was a nightmare. Nothing wrong with straight-haired people, but straight hair is so prevalent and those with curly hair try to straighten it so often that it is basically seeming too common. Why not look different/unique? Sometimes my husband suggests I straighten it, but I just tell him that "He got what he got! And love me or leave me."

Frankly, I've had many strangers and friends/relatives compliment my hair and say it's beautiful. Once my old psychiatrist saw me with my hair pulled back and started to stare at me as if he didn't know me. Of course he did, but it was clear that I looked "not like me" without the curls. I wouldn't give up my gap toothed smile, either.

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby told me that his friend (with his wife) from the US will come for lunch tomorrow. That is the friend I mentioned a while back that had a severe case of covid, that made him psychotic. The last time Hubby saw him (in Prague), he was "better", but still showed signs of mild delusional thinking. During the worst of that friend's illness, he said things to his wife that would potentially ruin many marriages. So, we're a little nervous to see them. I even wonder if the friend will make an announcement about his work in Czech Republic. We originally moved where we are assuming Hubby would help him, on the Czech end. We are preparing ourselves for that not being a possibility. Who knows.

So, I'll have to cook for tomorrow's guest visit. Going out to lunch is not a good option. My plan is to make a homemade celery soup and homemade crepe manicotti, with a garden salad, and store bought ciabatta rolls. I bought four individual size desserts. It's possible they won't even eat, but I think they will. If not, so be it. All will be made in advance and only need reheating.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel ok today. Just slightly off time wise. I didn’t fall asleep last night until almost 9. I took 2 10mil time release melatonin and then one zzquil destress melatonin. Then I didn’t wake up until almost 7 this morning. I felt ok although I still took a Valium around 8:30. My mom and I went out to a couple places and on our way home we saw a garage sale. I found a North Face hoodie and an Under Armour hoodie. They were $5 each. I’m concerned that the North Face one is a bit too feminine. It said women's on the tag and it’s white with green letters. But I’m hoping I can pass it off as a unisex hoodie. The garage sale was pretty crowded. But they had a ton of stuff so it may not have been as crowded with people as it seemed. I had my mask on. They had a hat too that I wanted but it was too big.

So yeah today is going decently. I’m going to my sisters later this afternoon. For once they are inviting us over instead of them coming here. Of course we have to watch the kids while they go out and do something. But it will be a nice change to go over there instead.

I got a smoothie from Smoothie King while we were out. It was $6 for a medium and that was their Friday special. I got a lean chocolate kind. A milk shake that size would have been 1500 calories. This was only 380 calories and much more filling.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

YAY ! New style??? Or just shaping up the current? Last time I got mine cut I had her take 6 inches off its almost to my waist again.... and I told her I'd pay extra for a longgggg shampoo and massage... She did it of course and refused to charge me.. So I gave her a bigger tip LOL .. It felt so amazing to just relax..

Oh, that sounds so lovely.

I wish I was getting an all new style, but there's nothing I feel like I can really live with, so I'm just getting my hair shaped. It's very thick so right now looks like a big furball on my head. I need it to be more manageable.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I'm glad things are improving altho I wish it was faster..

Bipolar is a Witch.. I swear sometimes in the past I go to bed and Im doing okay, pretty stable and I wake up and Im a freaking train wreck. So I wish that it went away as fast as it hits us... Yeah wishful thinking

Exactly! My therapist tells me I'm stable at this point, but I'm confused...I think "normal" stable people don't have mood changes every hour all day.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I feel ok today. Just slightly off time wise. I didn’t fall asleep last night until almost 9. I took 2 10mil time release melatonin and then one zzquil destress melatonin. Then I didn’t wake up until almost 7 this morning. I felt ok although I still took a Valium around 8:30. My mom and I went out to a couple places and on our way home we saw a garage sale. I found a North Face hoodie and an Under Armour hoodie. They were $5 each. I’m concerned that the North Face one is a bit too feminine. It said women's on the tag and it’s white with green letters. But I’m hoping I can pass it off as a unisex hoodie. The garage sale was pretty crowded. But they had a ton of stuff so it may not have been as crowded with people as it seemed. I had my mask on. They had a hat too that I wanted but it was too big.

So yeah today is going decently. I’m going to my sisters later this afternoon. For once they are inviting us over instead of them coming here. Of course we have to watch the kids while they go out and do something. But it will be a nice change to go over there instead.

I got a smoothie from Smoothie King while we were out. It was $6 for a medium and that was their Friday special. I got a lean chocolate kind. A milk shake that size would have been 1500 calories. This was only 380 calories and much more filling.

I love smoothies. One of my best investments was a ninja blender. I make them often. There’s so many different kinds you can make

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Mountaindewed]

I posted about my hysterectomy on Facebook and someone who I don’t even really know who’s been hounding me for a couple years about weird stuff posted “you have a lot of people rooting for you even if you only talk to us on Facebook.” Um. I have 96 Facebook friends the majority of them are family. Who I do talk to. And the other people I do sometimes talk with in PM. I had lunch with a couple of my Facebook friends a few years ago. So not sure what she meant by her comment. It seemed a bit passive aggressive. I think she wants to hang out with me but I only briefly met her about twice 13 years ago and I didn’t talk to her. Plus she’s like 50 something years old and can be pretty creepy. I moved away from her anyways.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm sorry your pdoc has left. I dread that day.

DO is doctor of osteopathy. In my experience they tend to be more holistic and willing to work with the patient. (Others may have different experiences of course). I prefer them and see them as often as I can. Both my pdoc and family doctor are DOs and both have been my doctor for over 15 years.

Thank you, Rainbow I saw a D.O. years ago, I never did know what the initials stood for. He was a gem. Really caring doctor.

[*Beth*]

I awoke feeling anxious about my pdoc being gone. It would help if I knew why she's left. Now I'm worried that my therapist will go, too. Yesterday she said if for some reason that happened she would definitely call me. But she doesn't see any reason why it would happen. I'm already having a hassle getting my Wellbutrin filled, and I'm out tomorrow. I hate having to do battle for every med I need refilled.

Uggggh. This summer hasn't been an easy one, that's for sure. I'm trying to be optimistic and to believe that it will all work out for the best...I mean, maybe I'll really like the person taking over for my pdoc. But she's not available until 2 weeks from now. I feel like I've been dropped off a pier.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I love smoothies. One of my best investments was a ninja blender. I make them often. There’s so many different kinds you can make

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I’ve heard of ninja blenders. But I am too lazy to make anything that doesn’t need to be cooked in a microwave.

[scatterbrained04]

Kind of emotional right now. Just got a reminder of why I could never work in pediatrics. I work in podiatry, but we had a pediatric patient that's just gotten a bad break in life medically. Almost broke down in tears after work.

I haven't checked in for a long while. My moods have been really wonky. I feel a little like a ping pong ball. I've had insomnia for months. I was taking Ambien CR for a couple months, then quit taking it for the last month. Was not sleeping well at all the last month. I got depressed for about 10 days, then was kind of up (I'm pretty sure sort of hypersexual, most notably) for about a week, then started to get depressed again a few days ago. I started taking Ambien again in the last few days. I've been so stable. I'm so afraid I'm going to go back being unstable thanks to to this insomnia (from quitting smoking). I see my psychiatrist is about a week. I really don't want to stay on sleeping pills. I don't know what to do. I'm so sensitive to meds and have a hard time coming off stuff.

I have something else I was going to say, but think I will jump over and post about it in the self injury forum.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I spent most of the day at the pool in the sun. Had a fantastic therapy session and am leaving in a sec to help my brother get settled at rehab for his broken bones. I’ll run a few errands for mom, grab a vegetable plate from Cheddars to go and that will be it for me except for some relaxing tv or a good book tonight.

I have two therapists right now. There are worse problems to have. Both are good in their own ways. Only one will help me heal my trauma. I’ll have to figure out my wording in letting the other one go gently.

Today life is good. I’m grateful for the reprieve.

Hope everyone has a peaceful Friday!

So happy that you are making sure your doing lots of self care

[Moose72]

Pdoc raised my Seroquel to 300 and doubled my Haldol but the pharmacy said they never got the script for Seroquel and then they closed and of course it's the weekend! So no med changes for me all weekend unless I need more Haldol for the voices.

Gotta go to bed soon- getting up early again.

The lock on the outside door to my building is screwed up again- literally! It turns in circles instead of the key itself turning! And then when the key does turn it doesn't open either and the key gets stuck! Luckily I thought to go around back to the back door and it worked just fine! It is just a p.i.t.a. to walk through all the grass as there is no sidewalk or stairs on that side.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi everyone. I had a busy day today. Got up at like 5:30 so I could get an MRI done, but then was too claustrophobic for the scanner. It was a very narrow one (I am relatively small and still felt suffocated). So, rescheduled for next week with the open MRI. I did stop and get a delicious matcha drink this morning on the way back and it was nice to start my day early.

I have been stressed with work but since starting to take Vyvanse things are a bit better. I mentioned recently my neuropsych testing was normal, but then discussed the differences between ADHD and anxiety symptoms with my therapist and she gave me a checklist and I really have a lot of the ADHD stuff, plus several family members have it. And I have had issues like this since I was a child and it affected my academic performance. So, she suggested I talk to my psychiatrist and he decided we could try the Vyvanse. The first day I took it it was too strong for me so I was sure that maybe it was not going to help, but at a lower dose I think it is going better. I am less scattered and able to pay attention better I think. I had to take notes from some work presentations for my supervisor and I got just about everything down where before I kept missing stuff and couldn't keep up. She also seemed happy with how I was communicating and my work. Not that she was disappointed before, but there were certain areas I was struggling with it I felt. I do still feel overwhelmed with work a bit, but the edge is off from the added issues I was having.

In addition to taking the meds I am trying to be more mindful of how my anxiety and emotions also play into my memory and cognitive things I feel I am experiencing. Like I couldn't find my car today, and was getting stressed which was affecting me so I tried to stay calm and be systematic and I ended up locating it. And I got new running shoes so going to try those out and get more exercise.

On another note, my partner's dog got sick and turned out they had an infection from a tick. Fortunately they seem to be improving with meds. It has been a little scary, though. I hate seeing that pup sick!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I awoke feeling anxious about my pdoc being gone. It would help if I knew why she's left. Now I'm worried that my therapist will go, too. Yesterday she said if for some reason that happened she would definitely call me. But she doesn't see any reason why it would happen. I'm already having a hassle getting my Wellbutrin filled, and I'm out tomorrow. I hate having to do battle for every med I need refilled.

Uggggh. This summer hasn't been an easy one, that's for sure. I'm trying to be optimistic and to believe that it will all work out for the best...I mean, maybe I'll really like the person taking over for my pdoc. But she's not available until 2 weeks from now. I feel like I've been dropped off a pier.

I would feel the same if my pdoc suddenly left too with a 2-week gap.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

So I went to my therapy session this afternoon and my therapist said she had some difficult news for me. Turns out my psychiatrist has left. She and my T worked together in the same clinic. I've been seeing Dr. W. for over 3 years, almost every week, and we were quite bonded. No one I spoke with knows why she suddenly left, except that my T had a idea (possible conflict with the higher-ups). My former pdoc must be at least 65, so I don't know where she'll go next - if anywhere.

Fortunately, my meds are keeping me quite stable at this time. I hope the new person won't tamper with anything. By the way, does anyone know what a "D.O." is A doctor of....??????


I'm feeling pretty let down, because my pdoc never even contacted me. We had a strong connection; maybe she'll send a letter.

In other news the smoke rolled in today from one of the wildfires north of here. Every late summer for the past few years it's the same ...horrific fires. Back in May, it was when we were driving through hours of burned-out mountains that I started feeling anxious, which ended up in almost constant panic, basically a breakdown, and a major med raise a few weeks later.

Oh Beth I am so sorry that your Pdoc has left.. I recently lost mine but it was due to his health. I hope you get a letter from your Pdoc wishing you well or something.

DO's are medical Doctors, basically like a GP they kind of treat a patient overall. They "usually" are also up to date with more holistic ways to help a patient, which that I think can be very good for "some" health problems. There is a huge shortage of GP's in the country as many MD's know they can make better money as a specialist.. I hope that your next provider is a good fit

I watched the news earlier and saw the aftermath of the fire just wiping a town off the map I just cant even imagine

[Nammu]

Oh Christina I forgot last time you were here to give you cupcakes 🧁 these are unique and healthy but still delicious! 😃

Hey everyone help yourself more than enough for everyone!

[Mountaindewed]

I’m super tired and worn out but physically not mentally. I went to the library around 2 and got a library card. I didn’t get any books since I like to look at their online catalog instead of browse the shelf’s. Then I got a chili cheese dog from Sonic. I came home and put a ton of books on hold. I put the next 2 books in the Flowers In The Attic series, the new Stephen King book, the newest 2 Jodi Picoult books, 5-10 of The Diary Of A Wimpy Kid series, and a few non fiction books. I hope they are ready tomorrow. Some I have to wait for. Then I went to my sisters at 4. I thought to watch my nephews but my brother in law was there the whole time and my sister was only gone for about 15 minutes. It was kinda a pointless trip. But I took one of their melatonin’s 1.5 hours ago so it would kick in. Then when I got home I took another 10 mil melatonin, and my 160 mil Geodon. And I hopefully will sleep for a long time just based on what time is now and how late I took my meds. I went over 24 hours without any Geodon but I didn’t have any anxiety for some reason. My anxiety was basically non existent today. I did take all 3 of my Valium. I think when I take a Valium at 8:30AM when I have just a little bit of anxiety instead of when my anxiety gets out of control I do better all day. I call it staying ahead of my anxiety. My mom sent me a triggering email and it was a link about someone on my 600 pound life who died at age 30. It annoyed me because I am 28 and my mom knows I restrict food and probably have some form of anorexia. The EDNOS form where your not underweight but still have the same symptoms. So I’m not sure why she thought it was a good idea to send that to me. I told her it triggered me but she was just like “oh. Sorry.” She promotes my weight loss and ignores the other stuff. So she’s not the best support when it comes to this stuff.

But yeah with all the meds I just took I’m hoping to crash for a long time.

I’m nauseated and a bit shaky. I hope I didn’t do anything too dumb.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

Kind of emotional right now. Just got a reminder of why I could never work in pediatrics. I work in podiatry, but we had a pediatric patient that's just gotten a bad break in life medically. Almost broke down in tears after work.

I haven't checked in for a long while. My moods have been really wonky. I feel a little like a ping pong ball. I've had insomnia for months. I was taking Ambien CR for a couple months, then quit taking it for the last month. Was not sleeping well at all the last month. I got depressed for about 10 days, then was kind of up (I'm pretty sure sort of hypersexual, most notably) for about a week, then started to get depressed again a few days ago. I started taking Ambien again in the last few days. I've been so stable. I'm so afraid I'm going to go back being unstable thanks to to this insomnia (from quitting smoking). I see my psychiatrist is about a week. I really don't want to stay on sleeping pills. I don't know what to do. I'm so sensitive to meds and have a hard time coming off stuff.

I have something else I was going to say, but think I will jump over and post about it in the self injury forum.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

I'm sorry that you not doing well.. I think Sleep is the MOST important part of Bipolar that needs to be focused on. I struggle to sleep, Life long battle.

Ambien is close to useless for me other than one every blue moon.

My pdoc years ago asked me to give Doxepin a try .. Its an Anti depressant but it actually can help with Sleep and Anxiety.. it is sedating for "most" people. I dont sleep every night, never have but I think that it does help me. Maybe ask your Pdoc about it?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Oh Christina I forgot last time you were here to give you cupcakes 🧁 these are unique and healthy but still delicious! 😃

Hey everyone help yourself more than enough for everyone!

Ooooooo Nammu I Love you Thanks

[NaoSky]

I’m currently going through a depression after having a manic attack and then hypomania from April to May, it sucks! I was just getting over a 7 month depression to then go into mania again. So far I’ve had two manic attacks and now two depressions. I thought I had finally accepted this illness and wanted to be happy but little did I know I was climbing into mania. I feel like my brain is just teeter tottering and and I’m so worried that I will go through it again.

On the first attack I split up with my husband and had to work with cps. Then I got back with my husband to only lose him for good on the second attack. So now we are officially going through a divorce and it kills me. It’s making my depression even worse knowing that my marriage will be over in a couple of months. I tried my best to beg him back but the damage of what I did was too great. I don’t think he will ever let it go. Now do I end up alone? I’ve been in back to back relationships my entire adult life, it’s always how I got over a previous relationship, but this time I was married so I don’t want to do that. Besides, I don’t see many people lining up to be with someone with a mental illness unless maybe they have one themselves. What do you even tell someone when you go on a date? Do you hide it from them in the beginning or tell them up front right away. I know when I’m manic I tell everyone I have it, but I’m discreet when depressed unless it’s to someone I trust.

I’m waiting to hear from my therapist for an appointment. I need to talk to someone else besides my friends and family. I talk about it too much with them that I feel like a broken record. I just don’t know how to get the memories out of my head. I keep thinking about my husband and all of the good times we had. He won’t be my husband anymore and I’m trying my best to move on. It’s also been an adjustment sharing custody of our 3 year old. I just can’t believe we won’t be raising her together like I had always dreamed before I got pregnant. I feel like my dreams were crushed because of bipolar and I’m back in the angry and depressed stages.

[Moose72]

@NaoSky Divorce is hard. I was the divorcER and it was very difficult for me, too. I cried and wanted my family back. I cried because the kids would never have an intact family. (As it is, they grew up with their grandparents and me and they don't have any issues with it.) I sometimes feel that I rushed into divorce and didn't think it through- got on the phone with a lawyer who of course wanted me to go through with it! How gullible was I? And maybe I was having an episode at that time? I wouldn't be diagnosed for another 5 years! Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to go back in time and have a therapist or pdoc say "Wait a minute... Don't be so hasty!"