[Nammu]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I think I have recovered physically as far as possible from having Steves middle son, wife and his youngest son here.

Steves youngest son Tyler was in the Army and him and the guys in the past 4 years would get together and go snow boarding, Hiking in Utah, NYC, cruises etc etc etc 3-4 trips a year. Well one of his friends age 29 in perfect health came down with Covid last Monday, felt horrible, running a high temp, the next day he went to the ER because he was having trouble breathing. He was on a ventilator 3 hours later and died the next morning.. he left behind a wife and 2 small kids..

Steve's middle son and his wife that were here along with Tyler last week have been hesitant to get the vaccine due to concerns about possible fertility/ birth defects issues as they are planning to start a family next year.. Well they are scheduled to get the vaccine tomorrow.

I see my T tomorrow ( Wednesday) and I really need it... We have always had a plan that if I got bad I would do X then Y then Z if need be. There needs to be changes due to my inability to be on Psych meds. Yes if things get worse then they are right now ( Bipolar wise ) I could take something very short short term. But nothing I can take more than a few weeks. So I need to get more hurdles in place to help me not do something awful.


Hugs to anyone in need

oh I hope you find a solution pronto. You’ve been in crisis for too long. You need relief.

I didn’t go to aqua fitness today. Monday. Really hurt my back and yesterday I was really struggling, plus I couldn’t sleep. So I felt it best to skip a day. On top of that had a weird stress dream that was disturbing. I fell asleep around 6 am and slept hard for 3-4 hours waking up drenched.

[Mountaindewed]

My French vanilla fantasy is working out again for the second day this week. I woke up at 2:30 but I actually was able to fall asleep about an hour later until 5:20. I haven’t slept in that late in a couple weeks. Then my weight dropped again. I went to Walmart to get some jeans and I found some fun colored flannel hoodies. Then I came home and saw that Hollister’s jeans were on sale for $25. About the same price as the Walmart brand. So I got 2 pairs. One dark blue and one light blue. I’ll return the Walmart pairs. I try to only wear bootcut jeans and they are pretty hard to find for some reason. Often you have to order them online. The Walmart ones were relaxed boot cut. I didn’t try them on so I don’t know what that means. But they might have been too baggy in places.

But today I feel good. Probably because of all the sleep I got last night and the fact I was able to get back to sleep.

I have my appointment tomorrow with the dermatologist. I’m not freaking out too badly. I actually keep forgetting about it because I’ve been wearing socks and shoes today. When I glanced at the spot this morning it looked pretty bad. But it doesn’t hurt today. Last night it did though. I don’t know what to expect from the appointment. I’ve never had a spot like that on me before that was that color and didn’t go away. But yeah I’m not too worried. My appointment is in the AM so I won’t have the anticipatory anxiety that I would have if It was later in the day.

I got a reply back from my therapist 45 minutes ago. She said last Monday I could email her once I heard about my surgery. I kinda figured she would reply today. The reply was a nice and supportive one but she still was just focusing on the anxiety part I had mentioned and she didn’t really say anything about my surgery. She said said at our second session that my anxiety is all she can help me with though. I took my Geodon and then I ate 5 rice cakes in a row because I was super hungry. Then I took my first Valium and I think? The Valium is what is causing me to lose my appetite and lose weight. I know I started losing weight around the time my doctor put me on the Valium. But I also know switching my 80 geodons to at night was a major reason too.

[Kelly68]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Don't think about your post as being pitiful.. Sometimes just dumping all the stuff out of your head can be helpful, it is for me often.

I'm sorry you don't have support from family I have never gone IP when its a good timing situation.. We all hit a crisis point when we do. I'm sure it would be upsetting to mess up plans with your sons but I'm certain they would rather have you getting help rather than suffer.

Be kind to yourself. I hope you are able to get some sleep

Thank you. I think that's true I need to get myself looked after, and my sons should understand that.. family has always been hard to get along with but now it feels empty, that upsets me a lot.. and being on a disability complicates it all. it's just that there's things right there on my plate that can't wait much longer. I hope you sleep well too. Hugs to everyone, I just can't read it all right now. I'll talk to my doctor soon I hope.

[Scooter9]

Ugh, my anxiety is way up. It has been like this for many months. I thought my vacation might help but the anxiety just continued.

I feel anxious and worried and I have recurring thoughts. It doesn't help that work is stressful too. I have to take a course and pass another exam for work.

[Moose72]

My friend wants to meet me at Starbucks for a bit. I said I only have an hour because I'm doing laundry and that's how long it takes to run the dryer. I only live 2 minutes from Starbucks. I'm still feeling sedated- not sleepy, just sedated. I hope having a coffee doesn't make me feel weird. I put my clothes in the dryer anyway. I think they'll be okay in the dryer for a while. Heaven knows other people leave their laundry in the dryer for much long than I am going to.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

My French vanilla fantasy is working out again for the second day this week. I woke up at 2:30 but I actually was able to fall asleep about an hour later until 5:20. I haven’t slept in that late in a couple weeks. Then my weight dropped again. I went to Walmart to get some jeans and I found some fun colored flannel hoodies. Then I came home and saw that Hollister’s jeans were on sale for $25. About the same price as the Walmart brand. So I got 2 pairs. One dark blue and one light blue. I’ll return the Walmart pairs. I try to only wear bootcut jeans and they are pretty hard to find for some reason. Often you have to order them online. The Walmart ones were relaxed boot cut. I didn’t try them on so I don’t know what that means. But they might have been too baggy in places.

But today I feel good. Probably because of all the sleep I got last night and the fact I was able to get back to sleep.

I have my appointment tomorrow with the dermatologist. I’m not freaking out too badly. I actually keep forgetting about it because I’ve been wearing socks and shoes today. When I glanced at the spot this morning it looked pretty bad. But it doesn’t hurt today. Last night it did though. I don’t know what to expect from the appointment. I’ve never had a spot like that on me before that was that color and didn’t go away. But yeah I’m not too worried. My appointment is in the AM so I won’t have the anticipatory anxiety that I would have if It was later in the day.

I got a reply back from my therapist 45 minutes ago. She said last Monday I could email her once I heard about my surgery. I kinda figured she would reply today. The reply was a nice and supportive one but she still was just focusing on the anxiety part I had mentioned and she didn’t really say anything about my surgery. She said said at our second session that my anxiety is all she can help me with though. I took my Geodon and then I ate 5 rice cakes in a row because I was super hungry. Then I took my first Valium and I think? The Valium is what is causing me to lose my appetite and lose weight. I know I started losing weight around the time my doctor put me on the Valium. But I also know switching my 80 geodons to at night was a major reason too.

Once you are off the Valium, you may get your appetite back and therefore gain a little bit of the weight back. I wish I could just eat rice cakes and lose weight, but Seroquel makes me eat real meals. For example, for lunch I had half a can of chicken with mayo and 4 Lorna Dune cookies. (They are small.) And a caffeine-free diet Coke.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Once you are off the Valium, you may get your appetite back and therefore gain a little bit of the weight back. I wish I could just eat rice cakes and lose weight, but Seroquel makes me eat real meals. For example, for lunch I had half a can of chicken with mayo and 4 Lorna Dune cookies. (They are small.) And a caffeine-free diet Coke.

I don’t think my doctor is planning on taking me off the Valium. He’s a pretty big pill pusher and is fine with me being on Valium and other benzos.

My old insurance asked me awhile ago if I could switch to seroquel instead of Geodon. I told them to go shove it. I’m never taking that stuff. Especially with all the horror stories I’ve read on this site about it.

They asked if I’d be willing to switch to either seroquel or risperdal. I knew a girl with an underweight BMI because of an eating disorder and she went on risperdal. And no joke, in just a month she had an obese BMI. I mean she went from being tiny to being huge in like 33 days.

My doctor did try putting me on lexapro last summer but I told him no that I didn’t want to gain weight. And he respected that. So we tried Wellbutrin but it made me too anxious and then my therapist told him about my food restriction and he took me off that and my topamax but then I still continued to lose weight. So idk

But he understands that if I gain weight my mental health will get really bad. So I’d rather deal with the effects of my disorders then the weight gain from meds.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Lizzie1813

Has anyone heard of the herb Ashwagandha? I was searching for OTC remedies for anxiety (before my pdoc prescribed buspirone) and discovered it. I ordered some, and it’s supposed to be here today. Not sure if I should take it or not.

I got something today called zzquil pure zzzs sleep+ de-stress and it has the herb Ashwagandha along with melatonin. So far I’m not feeling much but I only took it half an hour ago and I should probably take my other meds too to feel total relief from my anxiety. Plus I should close my door so I can avoid the Covid news I can hear from my room. I don’t know about med interactions but if I can chug cough syrup without any physical problem I’m sure this is fine.

I’ll report back tomorrow on how it worked.

[wildflowerchild25]

So unbelievably anxious. I think the naltrexone is causing it, and making me exhausted, and not really helping with increased hunger. I have kind of backed off from straight out bingeing, mainly by not bringing my favorite snacks into the house. I bought snack size variety pack so if I do want some it’s contained in a small serving.

The anxiety is centered around returning to work and also the new variant. I’m very worried school will go remote again and if so I’m really in trouble. But there’s nothing I can do right now so I should back off from future anxiety. I’m not sure how to go about that honestly. An affirmation popped up on the I Am app that I think will help me if I take it to heart. Basically it’s important to acknowledge the thoughts but not dwell on or judge them. I’m going to practice doing that.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm starting to struggle. It's all wearing me down too much. Starting to daydream about running away, yet I feel so unwell that it would seem next to impossible. Where would I go? I no longer belong anywhere. That stings.

I need more, too. I'm struggling to give and it isn't enough, anyway. I feel deficient.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

J! I hope things improve quickly. I agree that you need to give your meds to someone ( your Mom ? ) to hold so you only have a day or 2 at one time.

Please do call 911 if things continue this way

Thanks. Been feeling sedated today but I think it was the Haldol. It has worn off now so all good. N2 is taking me out to dinner and my FWB bought me groceries since I couldn't make it out to the grocery store today! Have a couple Haldol here. Wonder if I should bring them with me just in case? Feeling loved.

P.S. The crisis team called me around 6:30 tonight to check in with me. I told them that the voices were gone and no more SI. I hope it stays away. That was annoying yesterday!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm starting to struggle. It's all wearing me down too much. Starting to daydream about running away, yet I feel so unwell that it would seem next to impossible. Where would I go? I no longer belong anywhere. That stings.

I need more, too. I'm struggling to give and it isn't enough, anyway. I feel deficient.

Hey there, Soupe

[Ursula Shackleton]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I saw my T Richard on Wednesday and he told me that the NP taking over my Pdocs patients is as we expected is taking everyone off Benzo's. I knew the day would come. Richard is furious that she is doing this.

I see her the 25th or 26th ..

I'm a very complicated person when it comes to medications of all sorts. Dr Graves ( 10 years) knew the hell we would go through to find something that worked and I could tolerate.

I plan to make a list of all psych meds and the reason I can't or wont take them for X reasons.

I have no idea nor did Richard what kind of taper she will decide upon.

I have been on some form of Benzo probably off and on, (More on) for 12+ years. Xanax also helps with my chronic pain from Fibro and PsA. My GP nor any Doctors around here will prescribe Benzo's or Pain meds unless its acute injury and then a person is taken over by a specialist. The Government has pushed Doctor into corners and every Doctor I have is disgusted by it.

Pain clinics will do nothing for someone with Fibro. My Rhuemy for PsA will give steroids if my imflamation level is too high.

I have enormous stress when it comes to my husbands heath issues. Xanax is honestly the only thing that can help me get any kind of sleep. So life long insomnia with no break in sight is what I will be looking at.

I have tried every single non benzo medication for anxiety and nothing works. There are a few that I cant even try again because I'm now on medications for physical problems that can not be mixed.

My family and friends are extremely worried what is going to happen to me and honestly they have every right to be. When I hit day 5-6 no sleep I have zero rational thought then.

I know that I am not special and people are taken off Benzo's all the time.

The emotions and thoughts I am dealing with since Wednesday are not good nor safe.

Ugh, that sounds so incredibly hard! One of my closest friends has FM, and it just seems like so many doctors can't even understand the amount of pain. The only thing that ever helps her is float therapy. Good thoughts your way and many hopes that either the np will re-think this or be able to figure something else out. It's good that you're going in prepared though.

[Ursula Shackleton]

Ugh, my brain lately. Didn't see the date on that one. It's been over a month where my depression just doesn't seem to be lifting. I didn't want to be too quick talk to the pdoc about it because it hasn't been quite five months since my mom died, and it seems like that's part of it. My mom and I were just so close. But the depression just doesn't seem to be getting much better.

[unlived]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

My French vanilla fantasy is working out again for the second day this week. I woke up at 2:30 but I actually was able to fall asleep about an hour later until 5:20. I haven’t slept in that late in a couple weeks. Then my weight dropped again. I went to Walmart to get some jeans and I found some fun colored flannel hoodies. Then I came home and saw that Hollister’s jeans were on sale for $25. About the same price as the Walmart brand. So I got 2 pairs. One dark blue and one light blue. I’ll return the Walmart pairs. I try to only wear bootcut jeans and they are pretty hard to find for some reason. Often you have to order them online. The Walmart ones were relaxed boot cut. I didn’t try them on so I don’t know what that means. But they might have been too baggy in places.

But today I feel good. Probably because of all the sleep I got last night and the fact I was able to get back to sleep.

I have my appointment tomorrow with the dermatologist. I’m not freaking out too badly. I actually keep forgetting about it because I’ve been wearing socks and shoes today. When I glanced at the spot this morning it looked pretty bad. But it doesn’t hurt today. Last night it did though. I don’t know what to expect from the appointment. I’ve never had a spot like that on me before that was that color and didn’t go away. But yeah I’m not too worried. My appointment is in the AM so I won’t have the anticipatory anxiety that I would have if It was later in the day.

I got a reply back from my therapist 45 minutes ago. She said last Monday I could email her once I heard about my surgery. I kinda figured she would reply today. The reply was a nice and supportive one but she still was just focusing on the anxiety part I had mentioned and she didn’t really say anything about my surgery. She said said at our second session that my anxiety is all she can help me with though. I took my Geodon and then I ate 5 rice cakes in a row because I was super hungry. Then I took my first Valium and I think? The Valium is what is causing me to lose my appetite and lose weight. I know I started losing weight around the time my doctor put me on the Valium. But I also know switching my 80 geodons to at night was a major reason too.

Could the thing on your foot be a melanoma?

[Soupe du jour]

I finally managed to get an appointment with a new therapist. It's a month from now, but that's OK. This time it's a male, which I'm totally fine with. I need someone to talk to ALONE. I've been seeing my psychiatrist with my husband in the room, each time. Perhaps even that will soon change. I hope.

I think Hubby and I truly need some time away from each other. At the very least, in separate rooms. We've been fighting lately. He always seems to be in distress. I've been working hard to support him and cheer him up, but it's gotten to be too much. I, myself, could use more support, yet I'm not getting any. He said something extremely infuriating yesterday. What he beeeches about me sounds a lot like what he criticizes his sister for doing to him. Like brother like sister. We have trips ahead of us and I already sort of dread them.

I do really need someone to talk to about these things. I can't talk to my sister-in-law about my husband. My sister, as much as I love her, is not the best confidant,especially since my b-i-l is always eavesdropping.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by unlived

Could the thing on your foot be a melanoma?

I don’t know. That’s what I am worried about and why I went to immediate care a couple weeks ago. But the doctor and my mom think it’s just a blood blister. It’s just the size of it that’s concerning them. But yeah I’m always overreacting to stuff and everyone is telling me it’s nothing to worry about and I’m always overreacting.

[wildflowerchild25]

I had terrible dreams last night. Twice I woke up thinking

Possible trigger:

RS was dead beside me

and I panicked because I thought I couldn’t feel him breathing so I had to wake him up a bit just to make sure.

Now I’m freaking out because I’m back in the past remembering when my first husband

Possible trigger:

really did die and I really did find him

I’m am going to do some grounding exercises to bring myself back to the present.

[Mountaindewed]

My anxiety is kinda sucky but I did have a 20oz coke and a 20oz Mountain Dew. This morning I woke up at 3:40. I am tired of my music so I figured I’d turn on my TV. I watched an episode of Danger Force and then I watched half of an episode of Dance Moms. I didn’t know you could still watch that after what the dance teacher said last year. Then I got up at 5:30 because I wanted to completely shave my face and I knew it would take awhile. So I shaved and got out of the bathroom and shower at 6:18. I watched the Drag Race Allstars episode that dropped today. Then my mom and I went to Speedway to see if they had their exclusive Mountain Dew that just came out. I wasn’t expecting to find it but they had 2 full rows of it. I bought 3 since I’m trying not to buy a lot of regular soda and there’s more flavors of MD coming out in the next few months. Then I saw my doctor and yeah it’s just a blood blister. She scrapped at it and couldn’t get any blood out. She said there are a lot of layers. So she wants me to switch up my shoes but said it’s not a big deal. My mom and I stopped at Target and I bought a time release melatonin. The stuff I took last night wasn’t very good. But My brother in law had some of this stuff and it was the best melatonin I ever took. But I could never find it. My mom also wanted me to by some Dr. Scholls heel gel things for my shoes, and a pumice stone so I can try to get rid of the blister. I also found 3 packages of rice cakes. Finally. I got the last 1 of 2 kinds and there were only 2 left of the other kind. So I took one and left the other for someone else. Now I’m at home and I’m gonna call the hospital to see what I’ll owe up front and to see how to set up a payment plan.

So I can’t say things are going 100% good today because my anxiety is really tough. But I’d say I’m at about a 95% regarding the rest of my day.

[Mountaindewed]

My sister got diagnosed with ADD. I’ve never noticed that she had attention problems but she said it didn’t really begin until she was in college. But she said it made a ton of sense once she got the diagnosis. They are putting her on Wellbutrin and I’m worried about her being on that. She’s only about 115-120 pounds already. I know she probably told them she didn’t want to gain weight. Is Wellbutrin even good for ADD? I was on it and I lost 9 pounds but then I had to go off it because of my anxiety and I was restricting food too much.

I hopes she ok on it. I’ve never been diagnosed but I wouldn’t be surprised if I had it. People don’t diagnose me though unless it’s something that I need to have on paper in order for people to work me with me. Like I needed a diagnosis of gender dysphoria disorder in order for my doctor to be able to work with me and prescribe my shots. But besides that I’ve had the same diagnosis since I was 15. And a suggested ED since 2019. I always just assumed my distraction issues and my ability to not be able to focus on books and TV is just my anxiety acting up.

[Moose72]

New Disney Star Wars hotel- only 5,000$ per night for four people! Only for the rich I guess.

[Mountaindewed]

I just took 2 Valium at once. I’m super tired and hungry. But not very anxious. The hospital said basically the same thing the doctors office said that they can’t do anything until the hospital calls the insurance and the hospital can’t do that until about 3 weeks before the surgery.

I just wish I wasn’t on edge and anxious all the time about things. Then when that thing is over there another thing to be anxious about because there always is something going on.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I just took 2 Valium at once. I’m super tired and hungry. But not very anxious. The hospital said basically the same thing the doctors office said that they can’t do anything until the hospital calls the insurance and the hospital can’t do that until about 3 weeks before the surgery.

I just wish I wasn’t on edge and anxious all the time about things. Then when that thing is over there another thing to be anxious about because there always is something going on.

Sounds like life- at least mine!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Nammu

oh I hope you find a solution pronto. You’ve been in crisis for too long. You need relief.

I didn’t go to aqua fitness today. Monday. Really hurt my back and yesterday I was really struggling, plus I couldn’t sleep. So I felt it best to skip a day. On top of that had a weird stress dream that was disturbing. I fell asleep around 6 am and slept hard for 3-4 hours waking up drenched.

Thanks Nammu I hope that your back heals quickly ! Tonight I insist that you have a wild fun filled dream and no waking up drenched.. Does the drenched happen often? Maybe a connection to the pain?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Took my kitty, Sid, to the vet this morning where she will stay all day to have her glucose levels monitored (she's diabetic). I know she'll be scared, and not having her here all day doesn't feel good.

Me...I guess I've been stable lately. Anyway, as stable as I get, meaning my depression and anxiety are minimal. I would still like a dash of "happy" hypomania in there, but I don't think that will be happening any time soon.

I so understand how your feeling about not having your baby with you at home. I hope that her numbers are good and she can get back asap. She's blessed to have you...

I'd love to see you get a shot of Hypo but no further. I think we all need it sometimes.. Do you have anything coming up that you can look forward too??