[Moose72]

Peter invited me to go to his house today but I don't want to. I don't want to see him at all really. Should I just tell him?

[scatterbrained04]

A bit emotional today. Yesterday after I came home from nearly in tears for that sick kid at work...a couple hours later my dad notified me my aunt had passed away. So then I was really in tears. It wasn't unexpected, but those kinds of things are never easy.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby and I saw his friend and his friend's wife today. The friend that had had covid and experienced covid-related psychosis. It was a relief to see him back to his old self. He had even regained 25 lbs after losing 35 lbs due to covid-related gastrointestinal issues. Yes, it affected that, too. He looked healthy and bright-eyed.

I made homemade crepe manicotti that the friends seemed to really like. They were good, if I say so myself. After lunch they wanted to go for a walk around the local area. Hubby backed out of it because of his recent eye injection. I felt a bit pressured to go, so I did. It was too hot for my taste. I was having issues with sweating, which is always uncomfortable. I'm unsure if others here also experience excess sweating. They say certain antipsychotics, like Seroquel, can cause heat intolerance. Also beta blockers (one of which I take), and certain blood pressure meds (a couple which I take). It's a bit embarrassing dealing with this, but I just accept it.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing pretty good today. I’m hungry but I’m doing well. My sister asked me last night if I listened to podcasts and I told her I wanted to but I didn’t know how they worked. So she gave me the name of a couple apps and told me that most of them are free. So I downloaded an app today and I’ve been listening to a podcast called Just A Story. It’s done by this guy and this girl, I think their names are Jake and Sam, and they talk about urban legends and the history of them. I’m on number 4. I’ve already gotten through ones about people stealing your kidneys, killer clowns, and the satanic panic of the 80’s. The next one is the truth about the Ammytiville Horror. They are pretty long. About an hour each. So it’s going to take awhile to get through the ones I want to listen to. I had been reading the same out of date urban legend books from the 80’s. So this is a nice change. I also today ordered a 2 pound bag of kinetic sand for the kinetic sand kit that I already have since they hardly give you any sand in the kit. I’m washing my burrito blanket now. I like to wash it once a week. It’s the only blanket I can wash since all my others are weighted. But I do spray all my blankets every day with febreeze Hawaiian fabric spray. Last night after all my meds I still didn’t fall asleep for another half hour and I woke up at 6:30. I’m not tired but I’ve had caffeine. I think we’re getting Outback for dinner. They took prime rib off their menu during Covid but now it’s back on.

But yeah this entire week is the first time I’ve been stable for who knows how long.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Hubby and I saw his friend and his friend's wife today. The friend that had had covid and experienced covid-related psychosis. It was a relief to see him back to his old self. He had even regained 25 lbs after losing 35 lbs due to covid-related gastrointestinal issues. Yes, it affected that, too. He looked healthy and bright-eyed.

I made homemade crepe manicotti that the friends seemed to really like. They were good, if I say so myself. After lunch they wanted to go for a walk around the local area. Hubby backed out of it because of his recent eye injection. I felt a bit pressured to go, so I did. It was too hot for my taste. I was having issues with sweating, which is always uncomfortable. I'm unsure if others here also experience excess sweating. They say certain antipsychotics, like Seroquel, can cause heat intolerance. Also beta blockers (one of which I take), and certain blood pressure meds (a couple which I take). It's a bit embarrassing dealing with this, but I just accept it.

Haldol also has a warning to not get too hot- say in judo. I'm on Seroquel and Haldol. Double whammy.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

I’m currently going through a depression after having a manic attack and then hypomania from April to May, it sucks! I was just getting over a 7 month depression to then go into mania again. So far I’ve had two manic attacks and now two depressions. I thought I had finally accepted this illness and wanted to be happy but little did I know I was climbing into mania. I feel like my brain is just teeter tottering and and I’m so worried that I will go through it again.

On the first attack I split up with my husband and had to work with cps. Then I got back with my husband to only lose him for good on the second attack. So now we are officially going through a divorce and it kills me. It’s making my depression even worse knowing that my marriage will be over in a couple of months. I tried my best to beg him back but the damage of what I did was too great. I don’t think he will ever let it go. Now do I end up alone? I’ve been in back to back relationships my entire adult life, it’s always how I got over a previous relationship, but this time I was married so I don’t want to do that. Besides, I don’t see many people lining up to be with someone with a mental illness unless maybe they have one themselves. What do you even tell someone when you go on a date? Do you hide it from them in the beginning or tell them up front right away. I know when I’m manic I tell everyone I have it, but I’m discreet when depressed unless it’s to someone I trust.

I’m waiting to hear from my therapist for an appointment. I need to talk to someone else besides my friends and family. I talk about it too much with them that I feel like a broken record. I just don’t know how to get the memories out of my head. I keep thinking about my husband and all of the good times we had. He won’t be my husband anymore and I’m trying my best to move on. It’s also been an adjustment sharing custody of our 3 year old. I just can’t believe we won’t be raising her together like I had always dreamed before I got pregnant. I feel like my dreams were crushed because of bipolar and I’m back in the angry and depressed stages.

Bipolar disorder is very good at dream-crushing.


I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. Please know that we're all here for you...if you want to vent and discuss, hit us up

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Hubby and I saw his friend and his friend's wife today. The friend that had had covid and experienced covid-related psychosis. It was a relief to see him back to his old self. He had even regained 25 lbs after losing 35 lbs due to covid-related gastrointestinal issues. Yes, it affected that, too. He looked healthy and bright-eyed.

I made homemade crepe manicotti that the friends seemed to really like. They were good, if I say so myself. After lunch they wanted to go for a walk around the local area. Hubby backed out of it because of his recent eye injection. I felt a bit pressured to go, so I did. It was too hot for my taste. I was having issues with sweating, which is always uncomfortable. I'm unsure if others here also experience excess sweating. They say certain antipsychotics, like Seroquel, can cause heat intolerance. Also beta blockers (one of which I take), and certain blood pressure meds (a couple which I take). It's a bit embarrassing dealing with this, but I just accept it.

Ugh, yes - hot flashes and sweating (from meds). It's sooo uncomfortable - and awkward.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

A bit emotional today. Yesterday after I came home from nearly in tears for that sick kid at work...a couple hours later my dad notified me my aunt had passed away. So then I was really in tears. It wasn't unexpected, but those kinds of things are never easy.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

My condolences

[Mountaindewed]

My mom was talking about melatonin and me to her friend and then her friend mentioned some stuff she uses but it interferes with her meds. She’s on a lot of pain meds. But she sent it to me in the mail today. I wasn’t expecting to get a package I hadn’t ordered myself. It’s this triple action kind that looks like it has 3 layers to each pill and one layer is like a calming effect. I figured it’s worth a try. I think my time release stuff is working pretty well though. It’s nice that she sent it to me. Also she addressed it to Mr. Mountaindewed. Not actually Mountaindewed obviously, but my real name.

My mood is slightly down right now. But I got my shot about 45 minutes ago. And my moods always seem to crash for a bit until I feel better the next day. Unless I get it right before I go to bed. Then I can sleep through it all. Not sure why I decided to get it so early today. I thought maybe my headache was related to needing it early. But I think the headache may be because I’ve had my beats on all day which are not lightweight headphones.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

I’m currently going through a depression after having a manic attack and then hypomania from April to May, it sucks! I was just getting over a 7 month depression to then go into mania again. So far I’ve had two manic attacks and now two depressions. I thought I had finally accepted this illness and wanted to be happy but little did I know I was climbing into mania. I feel like my brain is just teeter tottering and and I’m so worried that I will go through it again.

On the first attack I split up with my husband and had to work with cps. Then I got back with my husband to only lose him for good on the second attack. So now we are officially going through a divorce and it kills me. It’s making my depression even worse knowing that my marriage will be over in a couple of months. I tried my best to beg him back but the damage of what I did was too great. I don’t think he will ever let it go. Now do I end up alone? I’ve been in back to back relationships my entire adult life, it’s always how I got over a previous relationship, but this time I was married so I don’t want to do that. Besides, I don’t see many people lining up to be with someone with a mental illness unless maybe they have one themselves. What do you even tell someone when you go on a date? Do you hide it from them in the beginning or tell them up front right away. I know when I’m manic I tell everyone I have it, but I’m discreet when depressed unless it’s to someone I trust.

I’m waiting to hear from my therapist for an appointment. I need to talk to someone else besides my friends and family. I talk about it too much with them that I feel like a broken record. I just don’t know how to get the memories out of my head. I keep thinking about my husband and all of the good times we had. He won’t be my husband anymore and I’m trying my best to move on. It’s also been an adjustment sharing custody of our 3 year old. I just can’t believe we won’t be raising her together like I had always dreamed before I got pregnant. I feel like my dreams were crushed because of bipolar and I’m back in the angry and depressed stages.

Marriages are tough with no mental illness involved almost 50% fail and roughly 90% fail when Bipolar is involved. Just seeing the numbers is mind blowing to me..

I wasnt diagnosed Bipolar until age 43 but when told my life flashed before my eyes and I said " oh that explains" everything.

My first marriage ended for a variety of reasons. I also never expected to get divorced.

My second marriage hit a horrible rough spot but somehow we were able to salvage it.

Im glad you will be talking to a Therapist.. You need help to manage such a huge change in your life. You will also need to learn how to forgive yourself for all of it. Of course you won't forget but you can't keep beating yourself to death over, That will take time and kindness to yourself.

My daughter was 5 when we divorced. Her Father and I had to learn how to co-parent.. That can be hard especially at first but for us it did get easier. Your seeing a Therapist can help you manage those challenges also.

What now? You need to focus on finding stability and learning every coping skill you can..

Talking to loved ones about your Bipolar? I think the surface stuff is okay.. Like Oh I am feeling overwhelmed. I'm not sleeping well. I'm feeling down.. But family and friends honestly wont have much advice as they don't understand how living with Bipolar is. It can often burn people out. Actually I don't really talk to my husband about how I am Bipolar wise. If I am really not doing well I give him a heads up.

That is why having a Therapist is very important for YOU. My Bipolar takes up very little space in my marriage. I have my T and close friends that have Bipolar that I can talk to and they " Get it"

As for down the road and if you were to start dating someone? I do not feel the Bipolar card needs tossed out from the start. You might be on date 4 and realize he just isn't anyone you would want to go on date # 5 with.. You are not just " Bipolar" If your seeing someone for a while and its going well then of course that needs to be brought into the relationship. A Therapist can help you with how to tell another person about your particular Bipolar. We might all have the diagnosis of Bipolar but everyone's is different.

I hope that you will give yourself the love and kindness you need to heal and go on with your life even if its not how you had pictured it to be..

Take care

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Peter invited me to go to his house today but I don't want to. I don't want to see him at all really. Should I just tell him?

I know from the past Peter has been pushy and a bit controlling when it comes to you.. I guess I would literally do a pro /con list, Yes with Pen and paper and decide if he's a positive or negative in your life.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

A bit emotional today. Yesterday after I came home from nearly in tears for that sick kid at work...a couple hours later my dad notified me my aunt had passed away. So then I was really in tears. It wasn't unexpected, but those kinds of things are never easy.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

So very sorry for your loss

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Hubby and I saw his friend and his friend's wife today. The friend that had had covid and experienced covid-related psychosis. It was a relief to see him back to his old self. He had even regained 25 lbs after losing 35 lbs due to covid-related gastrointestinal issues. Yes, it affected that, too. He looked healthy and bright-eyed.

I made homemade crepe manicotti that the friends seemed to really like. They were good, if I say so myself. After lunch they wanted to go for a walk around the local area. Hubby backed out of it because of his recent eye injection. I felt a bit pressured to go, so I did. It was too hot for my taste. I was having issues with sweating, which is always uncomfortable. I'm unsure if others here also experience excess sweating. They say certain antipsychotics, like Seroquel, can cause heat intolerance. Also beta blockers (one of which I take), and certain blood pressure meds (a couple which I take). It's a bit embarrassing dealing with this, but I just accept it.

Wonderful news that he has gotten back on his feet.. Such a scary thing to go through.

As always your meals sound delicious

Growing up in Florida I literally was sick all the time from the heat. After my Hysterectomy I got even hotter !! Since I moved to Tennessee yes its hella hot sometimes but not 11 months a year like Florida. Yes psych meds and Blood pressure meds and others will cause even more problems with body temp regulation and sweating.. I absolutely hate to sweat.. the only time I was all for it was when I was a gym rat but those days are long gone..

I have tried every deodorant possible and even got a prescription one and none really work better than Secret for me. I also get embarrassed when I am sweating a river. Really sucks your husband kinda left you hanging and you had to take that walk..

Kick your selfcare up.. You really need it

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I know from the past Peter has been pushy and a bit controlling when it comes to you.. I guess I would literally do a pro /con list, Yes with Pen and paper and decide if he's a positive or negative in your life.

Well out of boredom, I went to his place. He majorly hit on me! He sat next to me on the couch and rubbed my foot. I moved my foot! Then after we ate, I was sitting at the table and he was on the other side and he suddenly says, "Do you get horney?" I gave him a wide-eyed I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that look. He looked surprised and said, "I was just asking if you get horney... I thought we could talk about these things...."! Uh no. No we can't. We are not even dating never mind in a sexual relationship! I took it as his making a definite hard pass at me! I told him I would not discuss these things with him. He still acted like "Why?? You should be able to...."! Unfortunately, he had driven me to his place so he had to drive me home. I spent the drive in virtual silence. Got my purse together when we were almost to my car and he says, "Why are you so eager to get out of the car?" So yeah. I'm back in stealth mode so he can't contact me. I'm so glad he doesn't know where I live. I did that on purpose. And I'm happy that I did! Lesson learned on my part. He probably thought that just my visiting with him constituted an agreement to have sex! Ugh.... So I don't need a pro-con list. As of now, he's ghosted!

This is ALL I need after my last 2 weeks!

[~Christina]

Oh Gus

I am still struggling to house break him. Usually he gives me a sign that he needs to go out by walking to where the puppy pad use to be and he will stop and look at me.. Which that's all fine and good unless I am not sitting there to see him..

I got the bells to hang by the door in hopes he would learn that way to let us know. Nope! I gave it just over a month and took them down as it was bothering my others dogs ears. As I would jangle them anytime I took them out.

I take Gus out often and when he goes Ohhhh he is praised to the moon and back and he gets a very expensive bit of a treat.. Thats the only time he gets that treat.

Steve and I have tossed the idea of a doggie door around alot.. It would be a very small door just for him, hes only 8 lbs. When I let him out during the day he stays close to the house and the pasture. Then he will scratch the door when he is ready to come back in. Once its dark he won't leave the porch unless we walk out with him and I am fine with that. We have Fox and Bobcats roam around at night and he would look like a good size rabbit to them.

In other news I am making homemade egg rolls tonight, they are very easy to make.. Are they diabetic friendly ? No not really... But I kinda don't care today.. Our A1C levels run 5.3 to 5.8 so that is fantastic ! So once or twice a month I make something that we really could never eat often like before.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Well out of boredom, I went to his place. He majorly hit on me! He sat next to me on the couch and rubbed my foot. I moved my foot! Then after we ate, I was sitting at the table and he was on the other side and he suddenly says, "Do you get horney?" I gave him a wide-eyed I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that look. He looked surprised and said, "I was just asking if you get horney... I thought we could talk about these things...."! Uh no. No we can't. We are not even dating never mind in a sexual relationship! I took it as his making a definite hard pass at me! I told him I would not discuss these things with him. He still acted like "Why?? You should be able to...."! Unfortunately, he had driven me to his place so he had to drive me home. I spent the drive in virtual silence. Got my purse together when we were almost to my car and he says, "Why are you so eager to get out of the car?" So yeah. I'm back in stealth mode so he can't contact me. I'm so glad he doesn't know where I live. I did that on purpose. And I'm happy that I did! Lesson learned on my part. He probably thought that just my visiting with him constituted an agreement to have sex! Ugh.... So I don't need a pro-con list. As of now, he's ghosted!

This is ALL I need after my last 2 weeks!

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo YUCK !!! Yeah you don't need that shyt!!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Well out of boredom, I went to his place. He majorly hit on me! He sat next to me on the couch and rubbed my foot. I moved my foot! Then after we ate, I was sitting at the table and he was on the other side and he suddenly says, "Do you get horney?" I gave him a wide-eyed I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that look. He looked surprised and said, "I was just asking if you get horney... I thought we could talk about these things...."! Uh no. No we can't. We are not even dating never mind in a sexual relationship! I took it as his making a definite hard pass at me! I told him I would not discuss these things with him. He still acted like "Why?? You should be able to...."! Unfortunately, he had driven me to his place so he had to drive me home. I spent the drive in virtual silence. Got my purse together when we were almost to my car and he says, "Why are you so eager to get out of the car?" So yeah. I'm back in stealth mode so he can't contact me. I'm so glad he doesn't know where I live. I did that on purpose. And I'm happy that I did! Lesson learned on my part. He probably thought that just my visiting with him constituted an agreement to have sex! Ugh.... So I don't need a pro-con list. As of now, he's ghosted!

This is ALL I need after my last 2 weeks!

That's annoying at best and creepy at worst.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

That's annoying at best and creepy at worst.

Yes! Well put! Creepy because he wouldn't take a hint and shut up! He really thought we should/could have that conversation!

[yellow_fleurs]

Just got back from a baseball game with my sister and her kids. I was feeling emotionally off this afternoon, kind of tired and anxious and not in the mood to deal with going to a game, but I am glad I went. It ended up being fun and my mood improved. I am drinking a Pepsi since I got thirsty during the game and now I am wide awake late at night, but at least it's not a jittery type of awake.

I think tomorrow I am going to try going on a run like I keep saying I will. I also need to order some new work clothes. I have been teleworking for a long time, but that will not be the case soon and I don't think my wardrobe is ready for this!

Hope you are all doing well! I need to go back and catch up.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’m super tired and worn out but physically not mentally. I went to the library around 2 and got a library card. I didn’t get any books since I like to look at their online catalog instead of browse the shelf’s. Then I got a chili cheese dog from Sonic. I came home and put a ton of books on hold. I put the next 2 books in the Flowers In The Attic series, the new Stephen King book, the newest 2 Jodi Picoult books, 5-10 of The Diary Of A Wimpy Kid series, and a few non fiction books. I hope they are ready tomorrow. Some I have to wait for. Then I went to my sisters at 4. I thought to watch my nephews but my brother in law was there the whole time and my sister was only gone for about 15 minutes. It was kinda a pointless trip. But I took one of their melatonin’s 1.5 hours ago so it would kick in. Then when I got home I took another 10 mil melatonin, and my 160 mil Geodon. And I hopefully will sleep for a long time just based on what time is now and how late I took my meds. I went over 24 hours without any Geodon but I didn’t have any anxiety for some reason. My anxiety was basically non existent today. I did take all 3 of my Valium. I think when I take a Valium at 8:30AM when I have just a little bit of anxiety instead of when my anxiety gets out of control I do better all day. I call it staying ahead of my anxiety. My mom sent me a triggering email and it was a link about someone on my 600 pound life who died at age 30. It annoyed me because I am 28 and my mom knows I restrict food and probably have some form of anorexia. The EDNOS form where your not underweight but still have the same symptoms. So I’m not sure why she thought it was a good idea to send that to me. I told her it triggered me but she was just like “oh. Sorry.” She promotes my weight loss and ignores the other stuff. So she’s not the best support when it comes to this stuff.

But yeah with all the meds I just took I’m hoping to crash for a long time.

I’m nauseated and a bit shaky. I hope I didn’t do anything too dumb.

I am sorry to hear your mom sent you a triggering message. My mom never tried to be triggering when I had an ED, but she had her on distorted views on things and struggled with disordered eating, so a lot of what she did triggered me. My therapist used to trigger me a lot too even though supposedly she was an ED specialist. Not saying she wasn't a good therapist, but was not a good fit for me. I also just found a lot of stuff in society in general triggering. It is tough dealing with that all the time.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by LawsonLarge

Can only a doctor diagnose bipolar disorder or can you recognize it yourself by its characteristics?

Hi @LawsonLarge! Really only a psychiatrist should diagnose bipolar disorder. Or a qualified psychologist. The danger in diagnosing oneself is that bipolar disorder can be mistaken for other mental health conditions (and vice versa). Some also diagnose themselves when the issues are not even severe enough to be a mental health disorder. That's not to minimize mental challenges that don't meet sufficient criteria for a diagnosis.

I don't think people want to be stating they have a mental disorder as severe as bipolar disorder, unless it's truly true. With it comes great stigma.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Im glad you will be talking to a Therapist.. You need help to manage such a huge change in your life. You will also need to learn how to forgive yourself for all of it. Of course you won't forget but you can't keep beating yourself to death over, That will take time and kindness to yourself....

What now? You need to focus on finding stability and learning every coping skill you can..

Talking to loved ones about your Bipolar? I think the surface stuff is okay.. Like Oh I am feeling overwhelmed. I'm not sleeping well. I'm feeling down.. But family and friends honestly wont have much advice as they don't understand how living with Bipolar is. It can often burn people out. Actually I don't really talk to my husband about how I am Bipolar wise. If I am really not doing well I give him a heads up.

That is why having a Therapist is very important for YOU. My Bipolar takes up very little space in my marriage. I have my T and close friends that have Bipolar that I can talk to and they " Get it"

As for down the road and if you were to start dating someone? I do not feel the Bipolar card needs tossed out from the start. You might be on date 4 and realize he just isn't anyone you would want to go on date # 5 with.. You are not just " Bipolar" If your seeing someone for a while and its going well then of course that needs to be brought into the relationship. A Therapist can help you with how to tell another person about your particular Bipolar. We might all have the diagnosis of Bipolar but everyone's is different.

I hope that you will give yourself the love and kindness you need to heal and go on with your life even if its not how you had pictured it to be..

Take care

@NaoSky, I think Christina gives great advice here.

it really frustrates me that death seens in tv shows trigger me and I can't watch them

another episode of my soap opera missed.. I know I'm doing the right thing, but still somehow feels I'm missing out on what's going on

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I am sorry to hear your mom sent you a triggering message. My mom never tried to be triggering when I had an ED, but she had her on distorted views on things and struggled with disordered eating, so a lot of what she did triggered me. My therapist used to trigger me a lot too even though supposedly she was an ED specialist. Not saying she wasn't a good therapist, but was not a good fit for me. I also just found a lot of stuff in society in general triggering. It is tough dealing with that all the time.

The new therapist I’m going to start seeing in September works with people with EDs. I didn’t know someone needed such a higher level of care when it came to EDs and had to work with a specialist. But I’ve been told by 2 therapists I need to work with someone who know about EDs.

I was showing signs when I was 14 and everyone said I was just lying for attention. I would throw up and not eat for 3 days at a time. But they just said “no you don’t have a problem” . Same thing happened when I tried coming out as trans in 2011. My therapist just told me I was confused.

I’m glad people take me seriously as an adult.

[Soupe du jour]

I did something, a bit ago, that I feel quite good about. I'll mention it in the form of a story, for anyone who wishes to read it.

When I was 16 years old, I had just experienced the first severe depression of my life. I nearly flunked the year at school because I skipped many days, hiding secretly at home. When it was realized, I was more punished and scolded, than comforted...for feeling so ill. Most of what triggered the depression had to do with ballet, and my seemingly squashed dreams of becoming a serious ballet dancer.

As I was forced back to school, I attempted to return to ballet, after also missing weeks of those classes. I remember my mother accompanying me to the ballet studio, that first day back. Apparently, she was overdue in paying the tuition for the previous quarter's classes. In my mother's view, she need only pay for the classes I attended (which were many fewer that quarter). My ballet teacher felt the tuition was the same, regardless of my absences. After all, it was a discounted amount, anyway. Not a pay per class, deal. Sort of like college tuition, where they don't charge you less for "skipping/missing classes".

I stood there that day, with my mother arguing (almost yelling) ferociously at the ballet instructor (also the company/school owner). In the end, my mother managed to stiff the instructor/owner. I'll confess that the altercation and circumstances disturbed and embarrassed me, greatly. I also felt that it would make me unwelcome at the school, in the future. I'm not sure if the ballet instructor/owner felt that way, but wouldn't it seem logical? Certainly she didn't blame me, only a teen. In any case, I never returned. A school that I had spent most days of the week - my most cherished ones - for years.

An online conversation here made me think of my old ballet teacher. Despite 35 years passing, the embarrassment and guilt have remained in my mind. I found that the teacher is now the artistic director for a large ballet company in Connecticut. Prior to that, she also held high positions at well-regarded ballet companies in San Francisco and Philadelphia. I went to the Connecticut ballet school's website, and made a donation in the amount that I believe my mother stiffed the teacher for. I confess that I now feel better about this. Almost freeing, in a sense. With my donation, I included a note of thanks to that teacher. I didn't go into the details, though.

The above gesture is not too unlike Steps 8 and 9 of the Twelve Steps of AA. I've had to do similar, even for behaviors resulting from my bipolar disorder. In fact, making amends has been one of the most liberating actions in my bipolar recovery. In the beginning, I fully excused my behaviors as "Well, I was sick, so I don't have to apologize." However, learning that I, too, must take responsibility for my wellness (and its effects on others) is crucial. I suppose in this case, with my ballet teacher, I'm a bit apologizing on behalf of my late mom. That's OK, though. I still find it freeing. I don't hold any grudge against my mom. I know the time period was tough on her, as well.

My old ballet teacher played an incredible role in my early life. She sponsored me to audition at one of the most prestigious ballet schools in the US, twice. That dream obviously did not come to pass (long story), but despite disappointments, dance and music have lived on in my soul. They are part of what makes me, me. Even down to my walk. So I no longer cry for what I didn't quite become. I rather celebrate the experiences, that if not lived, would surely have left me less enriched, less strong.

Signed,

A Bipolar Bird Dancer