[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Hey everyone

I tried to respond to many posts but my brain just cant manage it right now.

Between my struggle with Bipolar right now my pain is hellish.

My Husband hasn't felt good for 3 weeks now. No specific things he just is tired. Some days he struggles to go to sleep but then he will sleep 12 14-16+ hours.. All his vital signs are good. I don't know watching him like a hawk.

I got terrible news.. My favorite Uncle is in the hospital they live in Ohio. He isn't going to make it. He's had serious heart problems for years. He had to get a defibrillator 4-5 years ago, so he had to stop driving as there is no heads up when it will shock him, each time he's knocked out. He is not going to last much longer day to day. He is alert and just wants to go home. So my Aunt is getting with Hospice to get him home but first the Defib needs to be turned off as it will go off if his heart rate drops... The are both in there 80's but I dont care, but I dont want to see him suffer.

I am just so overwhelmed right now.. I saw Richard on Wednesday.. It helped I am trying to find ways to stay upright...

We are leaving for the Florida trip on Sept 2nd but there are numerous things that might cause us to cancel it..

Anyway .. Hugs to everyone

I'm so sorry about your uncle, Christina I'm sending you love.

[Victoria'smom]

My head's so loud. I told my h I didn't want to go back. He was really good about it. We'll talk about it tonight. I just want to take my meds and sleep away the days. I have 10 days before I go home I have to go home. It's not that I don't miss them I'm afraid of getting sick. I'm getting sick here mentally. Everything is going back to normal and I'm just not ready. I want to hide inside but I can't.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Scooter, feel better. I've had gallstones and know how much that hurt so I can only imagine what it feels like to have one blocking the liver.

[Soupe du jour]

@whatever2013, I hope your friend Lynne feels a little better, soon. I assume she is still with us? I am a little confused about that. Kidney issues are hard. I know I have to be vigilant about mine, which are somewhat damaged.

@BethRags, I sure wish there was an easier way for those fires to be put out. I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but there have also been severe forest fires in southern Europe. It's horrible and also related to the extreme heat they've been experiencing there (see Italy may have registered Europe'''s hottest temperature on record - BBC News). Yes, global warming is no joke, as I know you agree. I hope your kitty feels a little better.

@Nammu, birch trees are my husband's absolute favorite trees. He has talked about them so often over the years. They were also my mother-in-law's favorite tree and are common in Czech Republic. In fact, his parents' ashes were planted by the favorite one on his sister's property (their long-time summer home). I think that will also be where my husband (and some of myself) eventually rests. In Czech, birch trees are called "břízky". We even refer to our eventual demise as "When we go to the břízky."

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Hey everyone

I tried to respond to many posts but my brain just cant manage it right now.

Between my struggle with Bipolar right now my pain is hellish.

My Husband hasn't felt good for 3 weeks now. No specific things he just is tired. Some days he struggles to go to sleep but then he will sleep 12 14-16+ hours.. All his vital signs are good. I don't know watching him like a hawk.

I got terrible news.. My favorite Uncle is in the hospital they live in Ohio. He isn't going to make it. He's had serious heart problems for years. He had to get a defibrillator 4-5 years ago, so he had to stop driving as there is no heads up when it will shock him, each time he's knocked out. He is not going to last much longer day to day. He is alert and just wants to go home. So my Aunt is getting with Hospice to get him home but first the Defib needs to be turned off as it will go off if his heart rate drops... The are both in there 80's but I dont care, but I dont want to see him suffer.

I am just so overwhelmed right now.. I saw Richard on Wednesday.. It helped I am trying to find ways to stay upright...

We are leaving for the Florida trip on Sept 2nd but there are numerous things that might cause us to cancel it..

Anyway .. Hugs to everyone

@~Christina, I'm sorry to read about your uncle. If he does pass away, I hope it is as comfortably as possible. It is strange to see those of our parents' generation (and some parents) leave us. I've lost a few, as well.

I hope you and Steve feel better soon. At least his vital signs are good. I think many here have also has some feelings of unwellness, but many have been fleeting.

September is fast approaching. I remember that those trips have always been stressful for you. How are you feeling about this upcoming one? I recall in the past you established some limits, and that worked well. I know you both want to see your children, though.

Yes, a garlic allergy is a pain in the butt. It doesn't affect my cooking, though. I have mastered cooking without it. My mother rarely used it so my hubby's allergy wasn't a big shock. But restaurants and pre-made foods from the grocery store? Hell!

My husband and I are not heavy TV watchers, but we get many many channels in various languages.As for English ones, we maintain YouTube TV, which gives us all that we had in the US, including New York City news.

[Soupe du jour]

My husband had a lovely time last night at a rock and roll party near his Czech-based sister's house. He wrote that he talked to about "25 old friends" as well as many of their adult children. This is precisely what he needed. We've both felt so isolated where we are in CZ. Our original plan was to have the support of friends and family in CZ, but our location and other circumstances (related to covid-19) have prevented this. It was probably for the best that he be there alone this time. I'm OK with it, plus I'm more of an introvert than him. He didn't mention his eldest sister, who lives in Germany. If she was already there, my assumption is that he avoided her. I told him to, if she and her husband are obnoxious (which they usually always are). Hubby is staying with the Czech-based sister, with whom he and I are quite close. That sister told the older one that her house was full, so that they would stay elsewhere. Tonight they will all go out for a dinner. I expect Hubby to return home to me sometime tomorrow (Saturday).

Yes, I ate too many cinnamon rolls. Oh well! It's not like I make them that often, and they are not available in Czech bakeries. I did have to find a Czech recipe, though, because Czech flours are different than US all-purpose. Plus, even the yeast and brown sugar are a bit different. It's been an adventure in baking here, but one I enjoy. Lots of research and mathematical calculations. I did tweak the recipe a bit to improve it, using homemade brown sugar. Baking is more of a science than cooking. Living in CZ has not affected my cooking much at all. Of the Czech I know, my culinary Czech is the best.

@Soupe du jour:

Thanks for your support and for being here and being your buoyant self! It is a joy to read your posts, so full of adventures in baking and travel.

Yes, my neighbor Lynne is still with us, or at least she was when the paramedics took her away. She doesn't have a very good quality-of-life tho. Getting dialysis is a burden and she has trouble functioning.

I saw a notice posted on her door warning her to stop doing laundry in her unit as this causes plumbing back-ups in other units and is strictly forbidden. I've seen Personal Support Workers coming and going recently, so she is getting help and my neighbor Louise takes delivery of her meds for her when she is not available. Louise is sooooooo helpful!

Perhaps it's time for Lynne to get into a nursing home as @Jennifer 1967 is facing with her brother. It's nice to stay at home for as long as possible, but Lynne obviously needs more help than can be provided by in-home assistance.

Is your kidney trouble med-related?

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@Soupe du jour:

Thanks for your support and for being here and being your buoyant self! It is a joy to read your posts, so full of adventures in baking and travel.

Yes, my neighbor Lynne is still with us, or at least she was when the paramedics took her away. She doesn't have a very good quality-of-life tho. Getting dialysis is a burden and she has trouble functioning.

I saw a notice posted on her door warning her to stop doing laundry in her unit as this causes plumbing back-ups in other units and is strictly forbidden. I've seen Personal Support Workers coming and going recently, so she is getting help and my neighbor Louise takes delivery of her meds for her when she is not available. Louise is sooooooo helpful!

Perhaps it's time for Lynne to get into a nursing home as @Jennifer 1967 is facing with her brother. It's nice to stay at home for as long as possible, but Lynne obviously needs more help than can be provided by in-home assistance.

Is your kidney trouble med-related?

I'm glad to read that Lynne is still with us. Yes, perhaps a nursing or assisted living facility might be best, as it is for my father. He likes his assisted living arrangement. He'd be too scared to return home, at this juncture, even with my sister right next door and my brother living in his house. Actually, my brother in his house likely scares him off a bit. Long story.

Lithium damaged both my thyroid and kidneys. I'll need to take thyroid replacement hormone (levothyroxine/Synthroid) for the rest of my life. I take 150 mcg, daily. As for my kidneys, I don't take anything for them, except lots and lots of drinking water. It's also very crucial that I don't develop diabetes and keep other things in check. However, the damage is done. It's just a matter of not worsening the situation. I will say that my thyroid was vulnerable because of family history of hypothyroidism. Diabetes type 2 is also rampant in my family, especially among the female members, including my sister. I don't have diabetes at this point, though. Too many cinnamon rolls certainly won't help keep it away. I will never be taking Lithium again, and it was stopped when the damage was discovered. It was never "a wonder med" for me, anyway, despite taking it a total of six years. Some anticonvulsant moodstabilizers and antipsychotics work better for me.

My paternal grandmother had to have kidney dialysis towards the end of her life. I suppose it was heart failure that took her in the end, but it's all related. The nephrologist (kidney specialist) I went to in the US also specialized in hypertension. He was the one that prescribed my blood pressure and cholesterol medications. Luckily the latter two seem well controlled after many months on them.

I hope that some of your irritability and frustrations ease a bit. We've all been there for various reasons, situational and bipolar-induced.

@Soupe du jour:

Yes, i am on Synthroid too, after being on Lithium for several years. It's a "dirty drug," as the chemist say, one that has effects other than what it is intended for, a drug that is not "targeted." I drink a lot of liquid too, about five liters a day when hypomanic. I get a raging thirst, i guzzle water, always carry it with me and down a liter in one pull.

Thankfully my irritations and frustrations are passing. I've written a few supportive posts and i feel back to my old self and not so filled with rage. I often have a brief period of mixed-mood when switching gears from hypomania to depression. Hopefully i am thru it now, it really is an awful feeling.

Unfortunately i have three big events coming up, my 55th birthday tomorrow, a luncheon at the senior's center on Monday and a Women's Group BBQ on Thursday and i just feel like crawling under a rock and never coming out.

Well, i am able to cancel everything if i just can't do it. I'm glad i've learned not to commit too far in advance. I've said "maybe" to each event in rare moments of wisdom and self-knowledge.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@Soupe du jour:

Yes, i am on Synthroid too, after being on Lithium for several years. It's a "dirty drug," as the chemist say, one that has effects other than what it is intended for, a drug that is not "targeted." I drink a lot of liquid too, about five liters a day when hypomanic. I get a raging thirst, i guzzle water, always carry it with me and down a liter in one pull.

Thankfully my irritations and frustrations are passing. I've written a few supportive posts and i feel back to my old self and not so filled with rage. I often have a brief period of mixed-mood when switching gears from hypomania to depression. Hopefully i am thru it now, it really is an awful feeling.

Unfortunately i have three big events coming up, my 55th birthday tomorrow, a luncheon at the senior's center on Monday and a Women's Group BBQ on Thursday and i just feel like crawling under a rock and never coming out.

Well, i am able to cancel everything if i just can't do it. I'm glad i've learned not to commit too far in advance. I've said "maybe" to each event in rare moments of wisdom and self-knowledge.

Happy upcoming birthday, Jane! I'm glad you're feeling a little better, mood-wise, in time for the celebration. Are you planning anything for tomorrow? If not tomorrow, I hope you will celebrate at some point. Belated ones can be just as good, or even better.

In my view, Lithium should cease being a "first line" bipolar medication, and move to second-line. I know that many with ultra "classic bipolar" tend to do great on it, but from my observations, not as many people have "classic bipolar" as originally thought. I've had some times when mine looked so, but probably more when it was the "mixed" variety - especially the severe ones. I see anticonvulants and/or some antipsychotics as better choices for them, and rapid cycling. If I had bipolar type 2, which I don't, I'd certainly want Lamictal to be my first-line choice. Lithium ER (1,200 mg) was my very first bipolar medication prescribed, 15 years ago, along with a little Seroquel for sleep. After being switched to another duo/trio/etc, for three years, I was put back on Lithium ER (but at 900 mg). I suffered from numerous side effects on Lithium (I counted 10), not to mention the hassle and costs of frequent blood tests. Local phlebotomists knew me by name! During that second period, I was on three moodstabilizers and up to three antipsychotics PLUS Klonopin and prn Ativan, simultaneously. Polypharmacy madness! The Lithium was probably a dud and only did me harm. My quality of life only improved as I was weaned off of it.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Hey everyone

I tried to respond to many posts but my brain just cant manage it right now.

Between my struggle with Bipolar right now my pain is hellish.

My Husband hasn't felt good for 3 weeks now. No specific things he just is tired. Some days he struggles to go to sleep but then he will sleep 12 14-16+ hours.. All his vital signs are good. I don't know watching him like a hawk.

I got terrible news.. My favorite Uncle is in the hospital they live in Ohio. He isn't going to make it. He's had serious heart problems for years. He had to get a defibrillator 4-5 years ago, so he had to stop driving as there is no heads up when it will shock him, each time he's knocked out. He is not going to last much longer day to day. He is alert and just wants to go home. So my Aunt is getting with Hospice to get him home but first the Defib needs to be turned off as it will go off if his heart rate drops... The are both in there 80's but I dont care, but I dont want to see him suffer.

I am just so overwhelmed right now.. I saw Richard on Wednesday.. It helped I am trying to find ways to stay upright...

We are leaving for the Florida trip on Sept 2nd but there are numerous things that might cause us to cancel it..

Anyway .. Hugs to everyone

Christina!!!!!

[Mountaindewed]

I wonder if they will ever have one of those settlement commercials for lithium. You know like the asbestos and talcum powder ones. Because I also have kidney damage from lithium. And it worries me quite a bit. I don’t have diabetes but my dad died from complications. It shut down everything from his eyes to his heart to his kidneys and feet. He didn’t take good care of himself though. My mom was prediabetic but didn’t want to go down the road my dad did so she got it under control.

I think the thing that terrifies the **** out of me is my bad cholesterol. Some trans guys doctor wanted to take him off his hormones because of his cholesterol. So I’m just trying to keep everything under control. Every time I eat meat I feel like my cholesterol is getting higher. So eating meat freaks me out. Plus there’s just not a desire anymore.

I’ve had a change in taste regarding sugar and meat. Change in taste is common after starting hormones. I rarely eat any sweets anymore. I can handle zero sugar soda though and the occasional regular soda. I have a box of candy bars for a PMDD hormone crisis but I haven’t had a candy bar in awhile. I sometimes eat mint Aero bars but for unhealthy behaviors and distorted thinking that is not related to food.. I don’t eat cookies or brownies or anything like that. I can’t even remember the last time I had a cookie or a brownie. I think it was in the spring. And then meat too I go several days in a row without eating it.

It’s just been weird. People think your dieting or have an ED when I really can only eat the same 3-4 foods because there is no desire to eat anything else.

[Nammu]

Well I’m up early. Beat the clock. Aqua fitness isn’t until 9 but I like to get up early to sit a Bit and drink my tea. I always have a glass of chia and play with my iPad. Sadly no memories of my dreams.

Things are going downhill. Had a big cry last night. Have been on the verge of tears a lot. Usually when depressed I just go numb and can't seem to cry, even when it feels like I should. It's getting particularly hard not to take things personally, like the universe is against me (even more than usual). I've been stable for so long (like a couple years). On top of that, I was told something at work that let me know I (and my frustrations) contributed to coworkers quitting. So yeah, that I suck is confirmed.

I have put a rubber band around my wrist to snap every time I express frustration. I mean... I hate myself for it too. I just can't believe how many stupid things go wrong for me. It just never stops. It's exhausting.

But I've been informed that I 100% can't do it, so I don't know what else to do. It will be especially hard while depressed. The fact I talk to myself all the time very much does not help.

I just need to be someone else. If only...

[Mountaindewed]

I’m unusually nauseated today and I’m not sure why. I assume it’s just anxiety. But I rarely get this sort of nausea any more. At least since I started the Valium. Which I’ve already had 2 of today. I haven’t taken anything unusual today. I did have a few zero sugar Sprites but I thought Sprite was supposed to help you not be nauseous. I may go take a zofran. I rarely take those anymore but I feel like I legit need one right now. But I think it’s just anxiety because I haven’t gotten the second email back from work and my current therapist hasn’t emailed me yet. I’m hoping she will because I see her on Monday and I’d kind of like to have an idea of how she’s gonna be towards me. So I can’t tell what’s worse. The work stuff or the therapy stuff.

But this nausea is strange. I was very tired yesterday but I still slept the same as I usually do.

I took a zofran and ate a rice cake. Now I feel like throwing up. I know there’s some stomach bug going around. I just hope I didn’t get anything after shaking the managers hand. Twice.

Don’t just go crazy and panic buy but my mom can’t even find milk at Walmart today. Let alone the other stuff she’s trying to buy. She found one bag of bagels. I try to have extras of stuff on hand and stock up when I can. But these shortages are getting out of control.

My mom told me I need to eat fruit or I’ll get the disease that pirates used to get. I can’t remember the last time I had fruit. It’s been a couple months though. But yeah this stuff is just anxiety because of going back to work and seeing a possibly angry therapist on Monday.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Things are going downhill. Had a big cry last night. Have been on the verge of tears a lot. Usually when depressed I just go numb and can't seem to cry, even when it feels like I should. It's getting particularly hard not to take things personally, like the universe is against me (even more than usual). I've been stable for so long (like a couple years). On top of that, I was told something at work that let me know I (and my frustrations) contributed to coworkers quitting. So yeah, that I suck is confirmed.

I have put a rubber band around my wrist to snap every time I express frustration. I mean... I hate myself for it too. I just can't believe how many stupid things go wrong for me. It just never stops. It's exhausting.

But I've been informed that I 100% can't do it, so I don't know what else to do. It will be especially hard while depressed. The fact I talk to myself all the time very much does not help.

I just need to be someone else. If only...

Hi @Innerzone. I'm sorry to read you're struggling right now. I've been in a very very similar position as you, in the past. Basically threatened after six of my colleagues went to HR about me. I was screaming, punching things, roaring, scaring people. You name it. Take my advice that if you feel you will worsen, consider asking your psychiatrist to write you a note for a brief medical leave/short-term disability. Or if you "do it again", so to speak, perhaps say that you need one. At the very least, some sick days and/or vacation, but ideally the other, so you don't exhaust that time off. They are supposed to be understanding in such cases. At least supposed to be.

Stepping away briefly is better than building up so much frustration and agony that you become a harm to yourself, as well. Rubber bands on the wrist can't always fight the bipolar beast! You know how it can leave you in the dust and take over.

You know, I'm going to confidently assume that your boss values your work, despite other issues. If they didn't, you probably wouldn't have even been given such a warning.

[Mountaindewed]

I guess it’s the college kids buying up everything today and that’s why the shelf’s are empty. Not because of people worried about Covid.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I guess it’s the college kids buying up everything today and that’s why the shelf’s are empty. Not because of people worried about Covid.

Our Walmart says things are backed up at the warehouses because of a lack of drivers to ship things. I'm sure college shoppers back to school shoppers aren't helping.

[Mountaindewed]

My mom said things were bad at Target too. She’s going to the local grocery store in a bit. Hopefully we can find some things there. Last night and early this morning on target and Walmart’s website they had everything.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m trying not to get upset but when I saw that news footage of the father handing over his baby over the fence to the American solider I lost it. And now I’m thinking of it again and I’m losing it again. And people are around this time and I don’t want them to see me cry.

Edit: I just went sobbing to my mom about stuff. I was a complete hysterical mess for 10 minutes. I think I really concerned her. I told her it was work getting to me. Which probably is mostly true but the stuff on the news this morning was just heartbreaking. I was 8 when 9/11 happened. So I didn’t totally understand it. Sandy Hook made me cry a bit. But I’ve never been this emotional over a current event. Not even covid.

I wonder if I’m really getting sick or something. This isn’t normal behavior for me at all. I can’t remember the last time I cried and I for sure haven’t sobbed since March 2020.

My temp is 98.9. So it’s nothing serious right now. Although I am concerned just based on my behavior and how I’m acting today. Also my body feels like a steamroller went through it.

But I’m not sure I can do this work thing right now. I don’t know what to do. I want to tell him some personal issues came up and that I’m having problems with my health but thanks for the opportunity and I appreciate it. I don’t know if that would be a good idea or not. But I mean I am a mess right now both physically and mentally.

[Moose72]

I took N3 to work this morning. Came back and talked with C for a short bit. Then I was falling asleep so I got off the phone and slept another 4 hours. That would be like sleeping until 8:30 if I didn't get up early. I took a shower. Feeling fresh. Watching Arrested Development.

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by bizi

I say take the gall bladder out when you are under anyways and if it is going to be an eventual operation. I would ask if I were you.
bizi

I had the procedure to remove the blockage today. They did it using an endoscope. I don't remember anything from it: one moment I was on my stomach on the table, the next I was in recovery. This was done at another hospital.

The surgery for removing my gallbladder is tomorrow. It'll be in the same hospital where I am now.

They do the procedures 24h apart to ensure things are stable.

[Mountaindewed]

Ok so I just sent my manager a text. I said I was really sorry to do this but that I wasn’t going to be able to work for them. That I was having some health issues come up that are related to my surgery (PMDD is one of the reasons I’m getting my surgery done along with the medical reasons) but that I really appreciated the opportunity. I told him I’d have to be out longer then I thought. That I talked to my doctor yesterday and found out. I profusely apologized a couple times and stressed how much I wanted to work for them and how I was looking forward to it and I thanked him.

I really should have listened to you guys and waited. I just wanted to be able to pay my rent again and not rely so much on credit cards. But this is the best decision for my physical and mental health. I’ve always been right when making big decisions like this and things have always worked out for me and I’ve ended up happier in the long run.

Now I have to figure out how to explain this one to my therapist. She’s gonna think I have BPD or something with all this back and forth I’ve been doing. It’s seriously just my hormones. The 3 days before my period are the worst

I took 2 Valium 20 minutes before sending that text and they are doing nothing for me.

9/11 is concerning me as well. I’m not sure I want to leave my house at all that day. Is anyone else concerned?

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I had the procedure to remove the blockage today. They did it using an endoscope. I don't remember anything from it: one moment I was on my stomach on the table, the next I was in recovery. This was done at another hospital.

The surgery for removing my gallbladder is tomorrow. It'll be in the same hospital where I am now.

They do the procedures 24h apart to ensure things are stable.

I hope tomorrow's surgery goes as flawlessly as today's procedure. And that you feel much much better, quickly.

[Soupe du jour]

I am finally realizing how unwell I'm becoming. I go through periods of that realization, and then periods of denial, the latter of which I'm prone to. I just wrote a somewhat long email to my old psychiatrist in the US. It was in the guise of one of the "updates" he told me to send. I had not sent him one for a while, because 1) I thought it best to try to distance myself from him, 2) the intermittent denial of struggle, 3) my desire to be "tough", and 4) that perhaps he wants me to break away. But truth is, I'm absolutely experiencing a bit of what Mountaindewed seems to feel for his old therapist. Also because I'm sad that no one seems to know me well enough here, except Hubby. And I don't want to worry him too much. He's struggling, too. Only my old psychiatrist truly knows me almost as well as him. Even my siblings don't know me as well. Plus, some times you just need a secondary person to talk freely with. No fear of judgement or fear that you will hurt them.

It's not easy for me to open up fully with people. I tend to put a glass wall between myself and others. It's a protective mechanism that slowly developed in my teenage years, and has persisted. Yes, I hurt, too. Even if I generally seem well-put-together, at times. I suppose it's like how sick birds will not show illness as a protective mechanism to avoid being killed and eaten by predators. But the danger is keeping up that front too long...until it's too late.