[Blue_Bird]

I didn’t get to go to my sisters today. She has been working a TON, and got called in again last night after midnight so she needs to rest today which I understand.

I slept all day, until now (3:30pm). I couldn’t get myself out of bed for some reason. Now I have a headache from sleeping to much.

Tomorrow the pest control people come for their quarterly inspection/spray. Im glad this apartment complex does this because I haven’t had a issue with any bugs/pests whatever since I moved in almost 2 years ago.

Im just gonna wait to let them in around 8am -10am , whenever they get here, and then get on the treadmill for an hour.

I have to go to the dentist sometime during the week. I am worried about how much damage has been done from multiple reasons (acid reflux disorder, purging, not caring well for them well for awhile when I was depressed, etc)

Hoping to finish my book I’m reading tonight. Have been having issues concentrating.



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[Blue_Bird]

I'm practicing my ukulele, it's helping my anxiety

[Mountaindewed]

I’ve been doing ok with the one melatonin a night. Tonight I took a vertigo med to hurry the melatonin along. I know it’s not the best. But I mean, they are prescribed and they seem to make me feel better. The last time I took a melatonin vertigo med combo was on Wednesday night and I didn’t wake up until 7:30 and I was super drowsy but it felt so good to sleep in instead of waking up at 2-4AM. I haven’t taken my geodons yet. I’m waiting until the other stuff kicks in so I can go straight to sleep.

So I did just take a second melatonin. And I still haven’t taken my Geodon yet. I’m about to though since I can feel the other stuff kicking in. I’m holding off as long as possible so I can sleep through my hunger. Which can sometimes come up around 9PM. I went and said hello to my family. Then I felt like the deed was done and I’m back in my room now. My mom kept asking me if I wanted stuff to eat. But I said no. I had noodles a couple hours ago.

My 5 and 7 year old nephews just asked my mom if I was going to eat cake with them. They have commented nicely on my weight loss once before. I don’t know what little kids know about EDs but I assume not much. But who knows what they teach in schools these days. I knew what bulimia was when I was 8 and I knew what anorexia was when I was 10. I first weighed myself when I was 11. The same age I considered going on a lettuce only diet for a week. But then I realized a lettuce diet meant I couldn’t put ranch dressing on it.

Had a good day, feeling nice and natural.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

@Innerzone - I'm glad you're recovery nicely. Take care of yourself.

I don't normally work on Sundays but I'm doing a client a favor today. So at least for a bit I will be distracted. Then it's home again and lots of laundry and yard work. I wish I could sit and read but that was most of yesterday. ...and not as distracting, anyhow. Anybody else find themselves suffering with parallel thoughts? One the thing that needs doing while simultaneously stuck on something that decidedly does not?

Yes, although my thing that usually needs doing involves relaxation...and the thing I do involves work/chores.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Is there a thing called dress your age but also dress the age you look like? I’m 28 but I look like I’m 18. So I wear North Face hoodies and Hollister jeans and t shirts because I feel like the stuff 30 year olds wear is too old for how I look. I mean is this even a thing?

Good question! I used to dress the age I looked, which was younger than I was. These past few years have been rough, though. So I'm not really dressing any particular way. It's depressing.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I finally feel recovered from my benzo fiasco a week ago. I'm finally evened-out and sleeping relatively well and steadier emotionally. I'll take a break from meds withdrawal for a while, it was so unpleasant, the benzo fiasco.

I was exhausted after my busy day on Thursday. I always feel so desperate when i overdo it, like i'll feel tired forever. But it's been a couple days with long hours of resting and i feel okay now. I wish i wouldn't panic so when i get tired.

I'm really excited about one of the women in my social group, i'll call her "PF". The more i learn about her, the more i am impressed with her. She's Irish and has all these amusing turns-of-phrases people from the UK have, like "the bees knees" and "the cat's pajamas" and a long time is "for donkey's years"! Haha! It's very amusing.

I wore some of my knitted creations to group last week and it turns out PF's an accomplished knitter, having made hundreds of sweaters. I'm just astounded, i've only made four and each took me three to four months. She's really something, this woman.

I think i've finally found a woman to pattern myself after. She's also ex-military, where she was a journalist. She's a lot older but in good health and she and another woman i like will go swimming on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it.

I just did so very well in my teens when i had my gym coach to pattern myself after. This coach was very disciplined and had tremendous integrity and decisiveness and authority and it was just so great having someone in my life to admire and imitate, someone who was an example.

Other than that, i've re-discovered candles and am enjoying studying the flames and calming down and relaxing. I love fire! I got out to get dogfood at the vet and had a very amusing time on the bus gawking at people and in the food-court enjoy my cheeseburger and fries.

I made myself a complete dinner, salad and soup with added fish and rice in it. I bought $325 worth of groceries on Thursday and now i am reaping the benefits. It wasn't all food of course, my huge bill. Lots was paper and plastic items and beaucoup pop.

A very pleasant day!

That’s awesome, I’m glad you had a good time!

I have never learned to knit but I want to learn how to crochet, I’ve tried learning before on my own but it’s kind of hard to learn without someone showing me how to do it in person.

Candles are great. My apartment complex doesn’t allow open flames so instead I use a Scentsy wax warmer. There’s all different kinds of scented wax you can put in it and melt it. It smells amazing. Right now I have lemon sorbet wax melting. Aromatherapy helps me a lot. I’ll post a pic of my wax warmer since it’s pretty, in a second.
Here it is

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[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I'm glad to read that things are going a little better for some here, lately. I hope that continues and that others can soon experience the same.

@Beth Rags, anxiety is a real b***ch! I'm assuming that's what is behind your recent fear of death. I have intermittent periods like that. Intermittent, at least. I hope the cause of such a fear eases for you soon.

@~Christina, does you doctor know what's causing the hallucinations? Are you in a clear bipolar episode? Or could it be something else? I am convinced that bipolar disorder can show itself in some pretty odd ways, sometimes. I know I went thought some very odd periods in the past. They did eventually pass. But the waiting is always touch. Sending hugs.

Luckily, Hubby and I are indeed relaxing today. All I've done is house tidying and a little cooking, which are feel good tasks. It's almost 24 hours after my hair was done and I'm liking it even more. It does sometimes take a couple days to really know if you like it. I went from medium brownish auburn to between light and medium brown with lightish highlights. Next time I'll ask for more light highlights. The stylist suggested doing so gradually, to avoid hair damage.

We'll be heading to the Slovak mountains in about a week. I already created my packing list. Besides packing, all that needs doing is laundry. I am waiting for a new pair of hiking pants to arrive. I bought one last week at a local sports store, but got tempted by one at Amazon.de. Hubby doesn't know about the latter. Actually, I've been spending more than my norm. I questioned Hubby about my mood. He said no elevation, but recognizes that the extra Lamictal lifted me out of the mood slump. It's still good to check. I will curb the spending. I spent over 200 Euros this month on culinary stuff. My passion. My sister-in-law said she'd like our old "partial" set. Now I feel a bit frivolous, but his sister does need more "matching" dinnerware. She's far from financially strapped, but it's obviously not her priority to buy a new one.

Hey, Yes this is just a Bipolar episode. It's not often that I get the Hallucinations to this degree. I've only been on Lamictal , Doxepin ( mainly for sleep help ) and Xanax since last November. I truly do need a AP or A typical.. Been off any since November 2020.

I'm glad that your husband is able to watch your moods. Not all partners or family actually pay much attention until it hits the fan. My Wish list on Amazon is a mile long, somethings could be a need but most was a want.. I am glad I dont keep my bank info stored or I'd be in so much trouble money wise lol

I hope you enjoy your trip, I am hoping you will post pics.

[Moose72]

We had our meeting and I took photos of the kids. Got at least one decent one of each kid- though N1 doesn't like my favorite one of her. Then my mom and N1 got in a debate about current wages vs when my mom was young. And N3 and I were trying to leave but we got stuck by the front door unable to leave while this discussion was going on. Lucky for N2 she and her bf left early. And I still have this migraine since about 5 p.m. taken 3 of 4 migraine pills out of the last 24 hours already. I hope I sleep it off. I don't want to be up all night with it.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I made the buffalo ranch shredded chicken in the crockpot to put on hoagie rolls, it may not look pretty, but it's really good. Spicy and the meat is really tender from cooking on low for 5 hours. This is the first time I've cooked an actual meal in many months

Looks delicious ! I'd give just about anything to have that right now lol

[VerMOZZica]

Not a whole lot to report here. I do have something I`m looking forward to coming up. I`ve just been feeling so sad and lonely and when I`m not feeling that way I`m feeling irritable. Today I haven`t felt well at all and it showed. I`m really missing my dog too. He passed away in April and I really miss him . He was always at my side and now that he`s gone I feel a giant void in my life and I feel so alone. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. I don`t want to cry in front of anybody and tell them how I`m feeling.

I hope all of you had nice weekends and I`m sending out hugs to all that want them.

[~Christina]

Fibro pain is just beyond awful.

Hallucinations just awful too. I can still fact check so there is that.

I did have to go out day to pick up meds for myself and my husband different places in different towns.

Oh this Rexulti crap. Twice a notification has been sent to my provider about it needing Pre Auth. I have called and then asked my pharmacy to resend the notice to dumb nurse, and then again today. The NP order this the 2nd, Yes holiday weekend I called dumb nurse on the 7th. She says no notice well nothing nothing nothing called the 10th. Again not a damn thing. Today while picking up other meds I again asked them to resend the notice.

Normally I am "be my own best advocate" !! Right now I have zero ability to even be remotely polite with dumb nurse. I doubt I am going to wake up and be able to call either. How incompetent can one person be??

I see my T Wednesday, I doubt he will be happy about this. She started in June so she isn't "new" The old nurse that was there 25 years trained her for 1 month !!! So My opinion she is just dumb, useless and very careless.

Maybe the universe is telling me that I should not be taking this medication? At this point I can't help but think that anytime I might need of NP for medications that it will be a Cluster F due to this idiot?? How could I think not?

I am in just in a miserable, nasty, rude, annoyed pissy mood.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm hoping that the soon to be autumn season will bring some mood relief to many here. I don't know about others, but the cooler temps and lovely autumn scents used to be a mood lifter for me. I loved the changing colors of the leaves, but I doubt they will be that spectacular in my new country home. It's hard to compete with the ones in the northeastern and mid-Atlantic states.

Hubby and I have been relaxed since our busy week ended. Kind of an "Ahhhhh!" I am now looking forward to our upcoming trip to the mountains, when before my Lamictal increase I was not. I'm so glad because this trip is a belated big birthday present. Before my mood lifted a bit, I was feeling guilty that I would dread the trip.

It's kind of funny when Czechs communicate with Slovaks. Czech and Slovak are different languages, yet about 93% mutually intelligible. Closer in commonality than Spanish is to Italian. Neither Czechs nor Slovaks try to speak the other language. They just speak their own languages to each other. I'll admit that it confuses me. I'm having a tough enough time learning Czech, let alone hearing a different, but similar language.

We're already fairly prepared for the trip. I've pre-planned all of our remaining meals at home, to use up foods that would spoil, otherwise. We bought lots of water and snacks for the trip. My packing list is prepared. Hubby can basically use mine, save maybe the dresses. I have chosen three dresses to bring. It will be fun to doll up a bit. All three fit me fine. If they didn't, I'd be sad.

[Nammu]

What a lovely night. I went to bed a bit after midnight and woke up a bit after 8. Ahhh. It was wonderful. I read for a very short time, turned out the lights and went to sleep like a Nero-typical person, slept well until 8! Had a multiple weird but mundane dreams mostly about malls. No flip flopping, no tossing and turning. Wow 🤩

[MuddyBoots]

I've had a very productive morning. I thank caffeine for that. I'm not usually a coffee drinker but we had some flavored creamer I wanted to try so I did and one of my friends from IP wanted me to buy myself a pumpkin coffee for her so I did that too (first pumpkin coffee ever and it was really good). But yeah, went to walmart and the bank, started some laundry, think I'll go to the park whene I'm done with laundry.

I'm told my meds won't be ready until tomorrow and I'm afraid it's going to be like last time where I completely run out and they still haven't done the prior auth. I talk to my NP on Friday. I don't have an appointment with my therapist but I did call her and I think I'm going to ask for either weekly sessions or hour long sessions for a bit.

Oh, and while I was in the hospital my dad drove my car all the way down to Boston. He ran a toll (so I got a $1.60 bill) and left a container for weed in the center console (it was empty, so presumably he was driving my car high). Also, now one of my tires need air (I hate doing this alone so I put it off and I know I shouldn't but I do).

I'm so nervous about running out of meds again. The docs/pharmacy are trying to get the meds covered by insurance but I'm still waiting on a prior auth from ~three weeks ago on vraylar. Not too worried about the invega sustenna because getting on patient assistance for risperdal consta was pretty easy but the regular invega (which I probably will only take for another month until they put me on the max dose of the shot) is where I'm concerned.

But I am so happy to be home with my kitties. This time I'm legitimately ready to be home. I'm still struggling with eating but I think being home is better than being in IP for that. I have stashes of safe foods in my bedroom and I don't feel like a beetch for wasting so much food because I don't make it in the first place (I tried asking the hospital staff to just not send me any food, that didn't go over well). My cats are gaining their winter weight, our ~2 yr old is like 12 lbs now. And our garden is prime. Cherry tomatoes, raspberries, chili peppers and more abound!

[Brentus]

@Soupe du jour I hope you find ways to a appreciate the season change there! For me, Autumn and Spring are nice season temperature wise. I consider them the high-low end of the same season sometimes. Summer is very hot, but I don't spend much time out in it, only to walk this year; and winters are what kill me. Unless there is snow -- everything is just cold and dead. I am not a fan of winter coming. I'm sure you'll enjoy your trip.

Do many of you use religion/prayer to help with symptoms? I have found church going and prayer to be beneficial for me i the past ... but I am almost known to be a little weird about it. I did once almost upend my life to become a priest, or more debt by getting a second masters degree in something I'd never even use (Catechetics). I also should point out while I've never had any psychosis -- my sister's psychosis is all religious based. I know being religious is not a problem or a *warning sign* but recently I've had a lots of thoughts about going back to church and praying a lot. Because of my past actions, I'm a bit leery of the idea. Just curious if anyone here finds help in their belief system.

Also, just a werid note -- I put my DNA SNPs through one of those health/risk assessment things. Turns out, I have a higher risk of a lot of things, and many I have. [I mean, some genetic markers are closely linked to a disease, while others not so much..] So, when it said I have a very high risk for Amblyopia-- which I have, i wasn't surprised. But the psychiatric ones were interesting. Again, risk factors and genetics are not indications you have it, nor are they concrete but may be "suggestive"; but recurrent depression was high, anorexia was high (which is odd, I'm curious the study behind the link to those genes), PTSD was very high, and some others (Schizophrenia and a personality disorder was an above-average risk). Oddly, the bipolar affect was a bit of a lower risk than average.

Again, I'm not reading too much into this, I just think it's interesting they have studies that have at least some association between genetics and these issues figured out. It's not surprising a lot of the high risk issues are things I do deal with.

EDIT: and just a fun thing -- the service does this: "all your trait-associated SNPs are combined to create a truly unique piece of art in the style of Wassily Kandisky". I personally found it kinda cool and decided to use the image as my avatar here.

[Mountaindewed]

Therapy wasn’t the best today. She was fine I just didn’t have the motivation or energy to do a session today. I didn’t try very hard. At one point I was just going on and she wasn’t saying anything and then I said “you’re not buying any of this are you?” And she said “no” I mentioned a picture of Squidward that reminded me of her. She asked which one and I said it’s one where you can tell he’s seeing through everyone’s bull ****. And she said “yeah that’s how I am” I was very anxious the whole time because I only took half a Valium. But then when I left her office I realized that I was actually pretty exhausted physically instead of anxious. I came home and my mom dropped me off to do some shopping. And my brother is passed out in his bed snoring. Which is super unusual for him. He never takes naps or goes back to sleep. So for us both to be this unusually tired is a bit concerning.

But today besides feeling tired I’m feeling fine I’m just not really trying.

[Mountaindewed]

I actually just took my temp and I’m 99.2. So I don’t know if I need to be worried or if I need to contact my therapist and be like “hey so I wasn’t actually super anxious the whole time like I thought I was. I was actually exhausted physically and I have a temp of 99.2.”

I don’t know if I should concern her

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow

@Soupe du jour I hope you find ways to a appreciate the season change there! For me, Autumn and Spring are nice season temperature wise. I consider them the high-low end of the same season sometimes. Summer is very hot, but I don't spend much time out in it, only to walk this year; and winters are what kill me. Unless there is snow -- everything is just cold and dead. I am not a fan of winter coming. I'm sure you'll enjoy your trip.

Do many of you use religion/prayer to help with symptoms? I have found church going and prayer to be beneficial for me i the past ... but I am almost known to be a little weird about it. I did once almost upend my life to become a priest, or more debt by getting a second masters degree in something I'd never even use (Catechetics). I also should point out while I've never had any psychosis -- my sister's psychosis is all religious based. I know being religious is not a problem or a *warning sign* but recently I've had a lots of thoughts about going back to church and praying a lot. Because of my past actions, I'm a bit leery of the idea. Just curious if anyone here finds help in their belief system.

Also, just a werid note -- I put my DNA SNPs through one of those health/risk assessment things. Turns out, I have a higher risk of a lot of things, and many I have. [I mean, some genetic markers are closely linked to a disease, while others not so much..] So, when it said I have a very high risk for Amblyopia-- which I have, i wasn't surprised. But the psychiatric ones were interesting. Again, risk factors and genetics are not indications you have it, nor are they concrete but may be "suggestive"; but recurrent depression was high, anorexia was high (which is odd, I'm curious the study behind the link to those genes), PTSD was very high, and some others (Schizophrenia and a personality disorder was an above-average risk). Oddly, the bipolar affect was a bit of a lower risk than average.

Again, I'm not reading too much into this, I just think it's interesting they have studies that have at least some association between genetics and these issues figured out. It's not surprising a lot of the high risk issues are things I do deal with.

EDIT: and just a fun thing -- the service does this: "all your trait-associated SNPs are combined to create a truly unique piece of art in the style of Wassily Kandisky". I personally found it kinda cool and decided to use the image as my avatar here.

I’m Catholic , my religion and prayer has helped calm me down a lot, it helps my anxiety and gives my life meaning, which gives me a reason to live. I find comfort in my faith. And I find it fascinating to study.

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[Blue_Bird]

I just took a nap, it felt sooooo good. Like it was so cozy and nice. I was under my weighted blanket and wearing a light jacket , I was nice and warm and felt so relaxed.

My anxiety is a lot better than yesterday.

My quarterly pest control inspection went well. And I talked to my apartment case manager and she’s gonna put in a referral for me to go to that mental health coping group that meets every last Friday of the month in the community room downstairs. They do things like art, music, meditation, journaling, etc. it’s for people who have mental health problems.

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[Blue_Bird]

@Sapien , pumpkin coffee is so good! I’ve been looking for pumpkin spice creamer but last time I went to the grocery store it wasn’t there. I’ll try again next time I go shopping next month.

I hope you’re able to get your meds

Kitties are the best! I used to have cats, they have since passed away and I haven’t had any in almost 2 years but I’m supposed to be getting a kitten soon. I miss having a cat around. They’re really the best companions ever.

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[Brentus]

All this talk about pumpkin/fall season foods. I picked up a box of Little Debbie Pumpkin Spice Rolls. They did not disappoint. LOL. It's a nice little sweet treat.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow

@Soupe du jour I hope you find ways to a appreciate the season change there! For me, Autumn and Spring are nice season temperature wise. I consider them the high-low end of the same season sometimes. Summer is very hot, but I don't spend much time out in it, only to walk this year; and winters are what kill me. Unless there is snow -- everything is just cold and dead. I am not a fan of winter coming. I'm sure you'll enjoy your trip.

Do many of you use religion/prayer to help with symptoms? I have found church going and prayer to be beneficial for me i the past ... but I am almost known to be a little weird about it. I did once almost upend my life to become a priest, or more debt by getting a second masters degree in something I'd never even use (Catechetics). I also should point out while I've never had any psychosis -- my sister's psychosis is all religious based. I know being religious is not a problem or a *warning sign* but recently I've had a lots of thoughts about going back to church and praying a lot. Because of my past actions, I'm a bit leery of the idea. Just curious if anyone here finds help in their belief system.

Also, just a werid note -- I put my DNA SNPs through one of those health/risk assessment things. Turns out, I have a higher risk of a lot of things, and many I have. [I mean, some genetic markers are closely linked to a disease, while others not so much..] So, when it said I have a very high risk for Amblyopia-- which I have, i wasn't surprised. But the psychiatric ones were interesting. Again, risk factors and genetics are not indications you have it, nor are they concrete but may be "suggestive"; but recurrent depression was high, anorexia was high (which is odd, I'm curious the study behind the link to those genes), PTSD was very high, and some others (Schizophrenia and a personality disorder was an above-average risk). Oddly, the bipolar affect was a bit of a lower risk than average.

Again, I'm not reading too much into this, I just think it's interesting they have studies that have at least some association between genetics and these issues figured out. It's not surprising a lot of the high risk issues are things I do deal with.



EDIT: and just a fun thing -- the service does this: "all your trait-associated SNPs are combined to create a truly unique piece of art in the style of Wassily Kandisky". I personally found it kinda cool and decided to use the image as my avatar here.

I find eastern philosophy helpful. But not religion per sae it’s kind of a combination of Wicca, Buddhism and Native American beliefs. Very nature inspired. Connection with the whole cosmos, part of the whole and not a center of the universe view.

Love your new avatar, very cool

[Mountaindewed]

I called my new therapists office. My current one suggested I do that in order to see where I was on the wait list. I was told there were 4 people ahead of me but I was also told by my current T that the new one will be taking in clients starting in September. So I called the new office. And there’s still a list. The list isn’t really moving. And I’m number 5. She only does telehealth which sucks. I asked if it was permanent and the receptionist said until Covid calms down. Which could be never. So I emailed my current T and told her what I had heard. I also told her I wasn’t feeling good and I told her about my low grade temp. I just felt like it is the right thing to do during these times. She’s not vaccinated and she can take whatever she wants to from the info I gave her. I just felt like I should have told her.

I was careful last week but not incredibly careful. I still ate out twice in 2 days and I stayed at a hotel and I did a lot of shopping. I most likely don’t have Covid though.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Fibro pain is just beyond awful.

Hallucinations just awful too. I can still fact check so there is that.

I did have to go out day to pick up meds for myself and my husband different places in different towns.

Oh this Rexulti crap. Twice a notification has been sent to my provider about it needing Pre Auth. I have called and then asked my pharmacy to resend the notice to dumb nurse, and then again today. The NP order this the 2nd, Yes holiday weekend I called dumb nurse on the 7th. She says no notice well nothing nothing nothing called the 10th. Again not a damn thing. Today while picking up other meds I again asked them to resend the notice.

Normally I am "be my own best advocate" !! Right now I have zero ability to even be remotely polite with dumb nurse. I doubt I am going to wake up and be able to call either. How incompetent can one person be??

I see my T Wednesday, I doubt he will be happy about this. She started in June so she isn't "new" The old nurse that was there 25 years trained her for 1 month !!! So My opinion she is just dumb, useless and very careless.

Maybe the universe is telling me that I should not be taking this medication? At this point I can't help but think that anytime I might need of NP for medications that it will be a Cluster F due to this idiot?? How could I think not?

I am in just in a miserable, nasty, rude, annoyed pissy mood.

How terribly aggravating. A dumb nurse can really create an obstacle to proper treatment, and the opposite is true.

Try not to take dumb nurse's and negligent pharmacist's actions (or lack thereof) as a sign that Rexulti is not for you. I feel sure that one has nothing to do with the other