Bipolar check-in #59

So as I said last night I took 30mil of melatonin, 2 zzquil gummies, and 2 Benadryl. I wasn’t feeling the greatest physically and I had therapy early in the morning. It was hard hiding how I was feeling so I was honest with her about what I took and why. She gave me this peanut butter chocolate protein drink from the staff fridge and then decided that I should call the poison control center or the nurses hotline just to make sure I was ok. Of course I was freaking out I was going to go inpatient but she said since it was not a S OD she didn’t think I needed to go IP but she wanted to make sure I was ok physically. I asked if we could call the poison control center right then. So she she called them and didn’t say who she was or who I was for confidentiality purposes. She just said she was with a person who had taken a lot of stuff last night to try to sleep. The poison control guy said I had taken a lot and to not do it again but if I was alert and breathing ok. Which my therapist said I was, then I should be ok but to talk to my doctor since obviously what I’m doing isn’t working. So after my T and I made a loose meal plan. I had her bring in my mom towards the end to explain what was going on so she was aware. She said she really appreciated me being honest with her. I’m glad I can finally be honest with a therapist because she knows about eating disorders and the others didn’t.

I liked that this therapist didn’t just say you need to go to the hospital. I like that she took the time to call the poison control center herself. And it was nice of her to give me a protein drink too. She said that she cared about me and just wanted to make sure I was fine. And that we were a team.

But basically today I’m drowsy and I have a med hangover and I’m kinda anxious. But I was happy with how therapy went.

So glad you're okay!

Yeah me too. I’m still feeling the effects of all that stuff and I feel hungover and I want greasy Chinese food. But I’m glad I have a more understanding therapist who isn’t immediately like “yup you need to go to the hospital because you are a danger to your self.” the way a lot of other therapists would be like. She did ask if I was being honest when I said it wasn’t a SA and I said yes I was being honest with her. It was just to sleep through my hunger.

And she also isn’t discouraging my dieting and weight loss either like my other therapists had been doing. She said my goal weight is reasonable it’s just how I’m doing it that I need to work on.

That's what I told them at the hospital last month- that I was just trying to get to sleep by taking all the meds that I did, but they still put me inpatient anyway.

I am having a panic attack because I feel like there are chemicals in me trying to kill me. I hate when this happens it’s always so damn scary

I know how hard it is to pull out of something like this because you're thoroughly convinced it's true but think for a moment that it's not true- if you can. There likely aren't chemicals in you trying to kill you. It's just your brain gone "bad" for a while. Maybe a long while or maybe a short while. Can you at least see that it could not be true?

I can, it’s just that I can feel the chemicals in me poisoning me. Like it’s physical feeling and it scares me. So how to do I convince myself it’s not real when it’s also a physical feeling that happens alongside the mental thought of I’m being poisoned, it’s frustrating. I just want this to stop. It hasn’t happened since like February of this year ,I don’t know why it’s suddenly happening again

I’m in my hotel room enjoying my wine and watching cable after a nice float in the pool. I just took a bubble bath with lavender baby wash and lemon verbena soap from Trader Joe’s. I think I need to do this once a quarter. I feel stress free and human again. Hallelujah!

I did it! I got myself off to aqua Zumba tonight. After two weeks of skipping I dragged myself out the door. Of course it’s very nice out today and I can go and come with just my wrap on. I’m so Leary of using the changing room. I’m going to try my best to go tomorrow morning but I’ll have to go dressed and change there. I haven’t done that yet. I’ll need to give myself a pep talk in the morning to get going.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I’m in my hotel room enjoying my wine and watching cable after a nice float in the pool. I just took a bubble bath with lavender baby wash and lemon verbena soap from Trader Joe’s. I think I need to do this once a quarter. I feel stress free and human again. Hallelujah!

Ahhhh....that sounds divine

I ate unhealthy southern comfort food tonight lol yum!!

I am doing better. No creepy crawlers feeling or numbness. Trying not to stress about school. Hard but I’m trying!!!!

Shadddddd up about real tacos !!! I'm just jealous LOL

Ben is lucky to have you in his life. the fact that visiting her grave really shows you what a good man he is. You know I love the guy!!

I'm staying in bed too long. I'm still sleeping well ( hope that stays) but I wake up in the AM and Ithen I'm just lying in bed with my mind wandering around. Need to get a handle on that I think.

In other news next week our temps are going back into the 80's NOOO Thank you ! In fact I told my News guy on Facebook that I do not approve, He said he will do better the following week .. LOL Hes a really nice funny guy and loves to interact with viewers. Well all my news people do !

Hugs to anyone in need

My heart is absolutely broken. I had to put down my cat tonight. I don't know what to do. I'm so devasted.

I’m sorry I’ve been so self-centered in our conversations lately. Idk what was going on with me. Just glad I’m doing better and I’m here for you allllllwaaays(said like Severus snape!)

Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s so hard.

I am so, so sorry. I've been through that and it is horrible. Just focus on knowing he/she knew you loved him/her right up to the very end.

It all happened so suddenly with her. She started having issues breathing so we called the vet for an emergency. Honestly yesterday she was fine. She had a lot of fluid on around her lungs and come to find out, she had some tumors on her mammories that metastasized to her lungs. It was cancer. He could pull the fluid off, but this would just happen again. She was struggling so hard to breathe when we arrived, and obviously was suffering. He said he wasn't even sure she would make it through the night the way she was acting and what he was seeing in x-rays and ultrasounds. We couldn't bear to watch her go through that. We were with her every moment until the end. It hurt so bad to watch her go. The vet offered to bury her for us. We accepted.


Literally yesterday she was fine, it happened so suddenly the decline. She was the sweetest cat in the world. Everyday we would play together and I'd pet her. She was someone who got me through some hard times -- she was almost an emotional support cat for me. We did have her 11 years. She was old. She beat the odds anyway, she had feline leukemia and fought it off. That only happens in like 30% of cats. She lived a good life, and a happy life -- and she was loved. She was so loved. She knew that, hopefully until the very end.

She used to always give me kisses. Even tonight before she passed. I'm going to miss her so much. I'm will bawling my eyes out. I don't know how to handle this. I have no regrets with doing what was necessary to make sure she didn't suffer. I just miss her so much.

I'm so sorry for your loss

My headache is finally gone after 25 hours, ibuprofen didn't do anything for it which is weird because it almost always works for me.

I left a message with my psychiatrist about the weird paranoia stuff I'm dealing with again.

Edit: spoke too soon, headache is back, keeps fading in and out

I am glad my therapist and I called poison control yesterday. While I was not in danger I was very drowsy all day and it was reassuring to know I wasn’t hurt. I just had a med hangover. I tried eating Chinese food thinking greasy food would help. Which it didn’t. I went to the store around 3 to get some peppermint and mint herbal tea. Then around 4PM I just fell asleep. I didn’t take any melatonin or Benadryl or any sleep med. I didn’t even use my sleep lotion. I slept through dinner and I slept until 5AM. I’m feeling a lot better today. I’m giving myself an eat whatever I want to day, just so I can continue to be stable. My moods are ok. They have been fine all day. I could use my first Valium today since I’ve had a lot of caffeine. But today I am doing much better physically. Yesterday my stomach hurt really badly like I had pulled a muscle. My mom said it was just surgery stuff.

But yeah I’ve had 2 **** ups this week and it’s only Wednesday. The heavy lifting on Sunday that required a few calls to the doctors office on Monday, and the med thing yesterday in therapy. So that’s why I’m just taking it easy today and not worrying about dieting or organizing or anything. I did organize the fridge with all my drinks this morning and I did go to the gas station and Dollar General, but that was it. I’m still having some chest pain where I had my top surgery. My mom says it looks ok it’s just probably still the suitcase pain.

But overall I still have felt very stable mental health wise since my surgery. I’m looking forward now to my trip the week before Thanksgiving and then Thanksgiving itself. My mom said my cousin probably won’t be invited because the 3 people who can tolerate her won’t be there and there’s already going to be 20 people which is a lot for my cousin and his wife to handle who are hosting it.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I feel like I achieved something today. I made cake. Nothing fancy like soupe, it’s just a mix, but I did it. In a bit I’ll go to the store to hopefully get pumpkin spice frosting. It’s spice cake and October so I thought that sounded good.

I’m really happy with myself for getting more motivated to do more. For years my bipolar was in control. Since my new meds 5-6 years ago I have achieved stability and to be honest at first I didn’t trust it. It’s only been recently and slowly that I’m climbing out of the pit of fear. Fear that the moods would come and obliviate everything. I’m slowly doing more and more of what the normals think of as everyday natural stuff to do, or life!

I still haven’t ventured into the changing rooms at the Y yet. I didn’t sleep last night so I didn’t go this morning. I managed about 45 minutes of sleep after the alarm went off. That remains my biggest obstacle, sleep. I like having vivid movie quality dreams I just wish I’d get more regular sleep.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow My heart is absolutely broken. I had to put down my cat tonight. I don't know what to do. I'm so devasted.

I am so, so sorry.

So far, so good with the Lamictal. Because my inept pdoc never got around to approving a refill and by the week-end I was completely out of it I had no choice but to go cold turkey. I've done so; it's the 4th day and I have no withdrawal problems, at all. I do feel more energetic and clicked in. I hope I'm done with the Lamictal. It stole my personality.