Bipolar check-in #61

I went in to work late yesterday. I think I double dosed on seroquel the night before by accident because I was nearly non functional. I had to stay home and go back to sleep for awhile. When I got home I took a shower after dinner in an effort to stay awake but I still fell asleep from 6:30-8:30. Then of course I got restless and couldn’t fall asleep at a normal hour. I got up and did the dishes and watched my show. I took my PRN to calm the agitation because I felt like pacing the house but I didn’t want to wake anyone. Eventually fell asleep again around 1am.

Mood wise I kinda ran the gamut yesterday. Depressed, ok, agitated, ok again. My therapist is being nice enough to give up an hour of her Sunday morning and see me at 9am. She was on vacation last week so I didn’t see her. I honestly don’t have much to say in terms of coping skills since I’ve been using the ones I know. I guess I just want someone to complain to.

I’ve been overeating and I’m getting disgusted with myself. At first it was definitely vraylar but now I think it’s stress and emotional eating. My back is healed though so before I get dressed I’m going to do the yoga routine and core exercises. I’ll feel a little better at least if I do some movement. I’m also going to dye my hair. I followed advice from here and got the xmondo hair dye in super blue so I guess we’ll see!

I'm doing decently today. I'm still off physically. I am just having a lot of nausea and pain mainly where my surgery was. When I saw my doctor a couple weeks ago he said my pain was not surgery related. I'm really nauseated and headachy despite taking tylenol about 2 hours ago. I'm just going to have to hang on until Monday.

So far the lower dose of valium seems to be going ok. I do not seem to need the vistriel but I did drastically cut back, basically I cut out caffeine. I had been drinking 2-3 cans of Mountain Dew a day and then one Coke and then a medium iced coffee. Now I'm down to one can of Pepsi or Dr. Pepper and then caffeine free soda. But all these physical issues I was having before lowering the valium. And they are just making everything tough.

I just ate walmart brand chicken noodle soup. Although one of my mottos is "eat to live" not "live to eat." Which is one of the reasons why I am not over 200 pounds.

Hey everyone! I know I said I’d write again after my therapy session but I got distracted with other things and didn’t get around to doing it. I’m sorry about that! (not that anyone was waiting around for me to come back and bore you with details of my life lol). For the record, therapy went well. She’s very understanding of me and genuinely wants to help. It’s hard to find a good fit, but I think I really have with this one. I like she leaves me every session with something to help. Another tool in the toolbelt, so to speak.

So, I mentioned I wanted to pose a question this weekend to everyone to think about. Again, I want to stress this isn’t something I expect you to share or even spend considerable time doing if it isn’t something you want to do. It’s just I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the topic of “quality of life” and what aspects we can control and ways we can improve it. Obviously I’m looking at myself with the questions but I thought you all could get some benefit as well. So, here it goes. I will propose a series of questions and a few commentaries pertinent to me. The idea is maybe pick 2-3 questions in the list and think them through, and expand on how you can improve OR how much your life has improved because of specific people or things in your life.

1. When was the last time you did something just for yourself?

- I think treating yourself is important to a healthy lifestyle. It can be big or small, but always give yourself some comfort. It can be anything really – a new pair of shoes, a donut, 30 minutes in a bubble bath, a 15-minute power nap, Lazing in nice weather, spend some time in a hobby you life etc. Stress is a major component that make things like that seem not feasible. I think a lot of us underestimate the amount of psychological stress we can have from restriction for say, diet. Stress tells us there’s not room for these things in the day or time we can afford... but we can make it. For me personally, I treated myself to some slim jims. I have a craving for savory and meaty things. I am trying to eat healthier and obviously “mechanically separated chicken” among other wonderful ingredients in my meat sticks isn’t ideal for healthy eating. But life isn’t about being miserable. Give yourself a little love once in a while.

2. How readily do you allow others to help you?

- I touched on this the other day, but it’s something I really struggle with. I have to start by acknowledging I am part of a team of people wanting the best life for me. I have a psychiatrist, a therapist, family members who care and want to help me. Reaching out and allowing for it can be difficult but it’s really worth it in the long run. I wholeheartedly believe we should advocate for ourselves and the primary decision maker and person to help you is indeed yourself – but you can’t do it alone. I mean logistically you probably can’t prescribe yourself medicine, or give yourself therapy. Those things require others. Sometimes we need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to hear us out. Sometimes it’s a forum to just vent when we can’t seem to anywhere else. I told myself this the other day “Trust yourself enough to put a little trust in others”. In that same vein – show gratitude for those who love and support you!

3. Medications are never perfect, but are they doing the job?

-A question kinda hard to answer for most of us. Side effects can be killer. I remember my sister when she was put on Depakote, she gained like 50 lbs in a very short amount of time. She made the comment “I’m depressed because I’m fat and I’m fat because I’m depressed”. That’s the conundrum, right? Are the side effects tolerable or worth the benefit? Here is what I’m getting at despite my extreme example – are your meds helping you the best they can? I know I am guilty of living with side effects because or marginal help with mood stuff. I know I’ve been disheartened to find the right meds. This question varies a lot and depends on where you are with your mood and medications now but basically I’ll put it like this – If you are stable: are your meds doing all they can to help? Is there anything that can be done to make it better? Is minimizing side effects a reasonable goal at this point? I like to check in with myself before my psychiatrist appointment to ask myself questions like that. Medicine isn’t everything, but it surely can make a world of difference to manage our conditions! For me, my meds are at a good place. I feel OK and I don’t have any real noticeable side effects at the present time. I’m just glad my mindset is in a good place because I have meds that work (my therapist even made that comment).

4. What facet of life is most important to you right now and what can you do to improve it?

- The easy part is knowing where the end goal is in that area, I recommend coming up with a one or two minor things that can be done now to get there right now. Right now, my biggest goal since my mood has stabilized is trying to re-enter society by working perhaps, or just socializing or going places. I need to get used to dealing with people. Long term goal defined, my minor thing to help get me there is to post on this forum more and try to be more tolerant of others when disagreements arise (and they have in the past lol). I can’t say I can overlook past issues, but going forward I will try my best to be considerate, for my own personal growth

5. Do you know your triggers? Do you actively avoid them? Do you know how to manage and maximize your mental health?

- I know this one seems simple, but honestly education is the single most useful tool I think with mental illness in order to combat it. Bipolar is no exception, and in fact may be exemplar of why it’s so important. It’s important for you, and those who care about you. Personal stuff like knowing your triggers, patterns of cycling, etc. Just knowing how the disorder is categorized and how it affects others, how it works so to speak, is crucial. Brush up on your mental health and take down some suggestions to help combat some issues that come with it. For me? I keep a log of my moods. I also have more bouts of depression than (hypo)manic moments and so to help combat depression try to get 15 minutes of sunlight a day. (this is easier in the summer!), and finally, I read a lot of literature (for fun!) on psychopharmacology and new treatments and therapies for different disorders. I do it both because I like it and because it may give me some ideas. Remind me to talk to you guys sometime about the blue light and bipolar disorder!

Well, that’s it. Hopefully you made it through and don’t feel exhausted. I promise to keep my posts to a minimum from hereon out. haha

Its actually quite late in the day and I have not taken my second valium. I normally take my topamax at noon but I just now remembered to take that. I didn't feel the need to take any med today but tylenol.

Did consuming all that caffeine **** me up that badly? Not saying thats the cause of all my problems, there is for sure some legit physical stuff going on, but I had no idea how much better my anxiety and overall mental health would be if I stopped drinking so much caffeine.

I'm glad all the good (hopefully) new soda coming out this year is not Mountain Dew.

Hhhhhhhuuuuuuuugggggsssss !

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Sorry your kind of spinning your wheels from mood to mood. I hear you on emotional eating. I couldn’t stop after dinner last night. Ugh today I’m literally writing ever single thing I eat down on paper.

Hope Brad’s stuff works well !

Be kind to your self

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You can't take cogentin?,

what is your dose of haldol? I take 5mg twice daily.
This is a fairly new medication for me. I was hospitalized
because geodon quit working for me and had to find an

AP finally I just stabilized on the haldol with lamictal and
cogentin and 1mg of klonipin to sleep.

This is the fewest meds I have ever been on.
bizi BP1

yes caffeine can add to your anxiety.

The last big thing I did was purchase my Fitbit. It’s really helping because it tracks so many things and things are quite accurate. Small one.. I made a batch of brownies a few days ago. I portioned them out literally a teaspoon size due to being diabetic and one tiny bite a day doesn’t sound like much but it’s a huge treat and it’s been so long !

I struggle to let someone help me. Whether be my husband or friends. I struggle life long feeling like a burden ( Thanks Mom) even with my Therapist I’ll go off on a bit of a rant and then apologize for being a burden which he quickly points out I am not. It’s a struggle that at this point in my life will be with me forever.

Oh medications….. I’ve had good or Okay meds in the past and I’ve had some bad. I’ve gone stretches when I’m coping well sans meds. I wasn’t med free but what I was on had just stopped working. My attempt in September really was awful. I got lucky. I think that cemented in me that I need meds period. My current cocktail is doing well Geodon, Seroquel, Doxipen, Lamictal.

Most important thing for me right now is stay in a level of stability. I’m having to see a specialist next week and hopefully we will just go into a watch and see but very worried. Longer term I don’t know if it’s possible but I would love to find a very part time job. Living off SSDI is almost impossible so any income would be put away for a rainy day. I don’t know if it’s possible with such a long list of medical problems. It’s something I think about often.

I have such a mess of triggers. I won’t go into details even vague because I don’t want to trigger anyone. I’ve not had a easy life but it could have been worse. I think for me I just try and move forward in life. Change what I can and be okay with things that I have zero control of.

Thank you for throwing these important questions out there. After answering them over all I am doing WELL right now and it makes me happy.

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Both 1and 2 are easier to do now than when I was younger. I just ordered a food delivery and ordered cases of water. Always a pain for me. This is the first time I’ve had food delivery except for an occasional pizza. So it’s a big deal. I didn’t really need the water this week but I thought as long as I was trying the delivery service I’d get the water. And when the man brought it I asked him nicely if he could put the water on the bench not the floor. That’s something I wouldn’t have done in the past.

Number 3. Meds. I’ve also more tolerance for meds being a trade off. I’m just too old to handle the hardships that mania causes on my body. I’m more willing to accept weight in trade off of being stable. Stability is my goal above all goals in this point of my life.

Good question s

I started getting a bit of vertigo. I took a second dose of tylenol and all my meds besides my 160 mil geodon. I drank a gatorade to help with the vertigo. My walking was starting to become wobbly. So I just got into bed under my weighted blankets and put some vicks on. My second dose of tylenol was not working until I turned off my TV. I had been watching Project Runway. Theres no reunion on this season. At least on the DVD. which kinda sucks since the reunion would have been pretty good. I took my melatonin and I'm just trying to relax now now. I am honestly not sure this time if this is anxiety or medical. But I do refuse to take the visteriel. I gained 5 pounds in 2 days yet I only lost 1.8 pounds the next 2 days after going back to my normal eating. So I do have to be super strict since my weight can get so wonky so quickly.

It is after 4pm
and I am wondering what you ate today? What is normal eating for you?
just wondering.....
bizi

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi It is after 4pm and I am wondering what you ate today? What is normal eating for you? just wondering..... bizi

I second bizi's question, Md. Are you getting enough protein?

I did all my errands today even though it was frigid. Dropped the clothing donations off, went to get gas, did my Amazon returns, and got a new scratch pad and bed for my kitties. Cheeto really does seem less thin, and he’s definitely more active. I have no idea why he got sick but it does seem like he’s getting better, for now at least.

I ate far too much again. FAR too much. I don’t know why or how to stop. I mean for dinner I think the problem was I waited way too long between meals. I should have had a snack at 4 because we didn’t eat until 7. I guess I was also bored. Just sitting around inside sucks when I’m not depressed, but it was way too cold to go outside. Mortgage is coming up so we don’t have a lot of extra money to throw around, so things like the Franklin institute and things like that are out right now. Not much to do for free in the dead of winter.

Sounds were bothering me but only when I was super hungry and therefore already irritable.

I did do the yoga but hurt my lower back slightly. I’ve got to figure out which exercises are hurting and stop them immediately. I also think doing counter stretches as soon as I’m done will help because as soon as I realized my back was hurting I did a couple to lengthen my spine and stretch the lower back and it’s better now.

I feel like this post is flitting around but that’s just where my mind is today. A bit disorganized.

Edit: I forgot, I dyed my hair and it worked! It’s a blue-black, which is what I wanted. Subtle but noticeable, something fun that I don’t think I’ll get in trouble for at work.

Also I’m totally amped and restless now and feel like I need to get up and organize the microwave stand but that will be too loud.

I find my emotions come in waves. Especially anxiety. I've had several waves today and they are so unpleasant but they peak and decline and pass and then i feel fine. Anyone else like this?

The COVID news here is good, the experts feel Omicron has peaked. Heard that some countries are downgrading it from a pandemic to an endemic, like the flu. Spain is one of these countries. So ready for it to be O-V-E-R.

@wildflowerchild25:

Glad Cheeto seems to be on the mend. Sounds like you had a better day than yesterday even tho it wasn't flawless. I'm suffering with Winter boredom too. But it's January 22nd already, so we are nearing the end of this dud of a month and Winter will move along and eventually we'll be rid of it!

Spring is March 20 so less than 2 months to go!

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 ... Edit: I forgot, I dyed my hair and it worked! It’s a blue-black, which is what I wanted. Subtle but noticeable, something fun that I don’t think I’ll get in trouble for at work. ...

That sounds lovely!

I forgot: there have been no developments today to delay the re-opening in my province today on January 31 so New York Fries, here i come!

Great news Cheeto feeling better !!

I hope you can find out what exercises you’re doing that aggravating your back.. you back getting all messed up again is the last thing you need!

I love a blue black color. I bet it looks great on you.

Stay warm !

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In the past, I attended a number of DBSA support groups and had times when I left feeling worse. Truth is, sometimes people who are ill are not particularly supportive or pleasant to be around. Sounds horrible, but it is true. No fault in anyone leaving a meeting when they are triggered. In my old DBSA meetings (in-person), they split the meeting into two groups/rooms. There were times when I simply went to the group that didn't have a particular person in it. I know that's hard online, unless you can mute them.

Have you heard of the new online game Wordle? It's the latest thing that's going viral. My husband always did the NY Times "Spelling Bee", but has now mostly shifted to Wordle. Even today Google is featuring it. It's not too far from the idea of Scrabble.

Thanks, Christina!

I hope tomorrow is a bit warmer in your neck of the woods. I read you saying it's been chilly. I hope Richard is feeling better. Also glad to read that your tactile hallucinations are mostly gone. Those are particularly disconcerting types.

1. I totally agree with you that small treats are important in life. Frequent small pleasures can be equal to the rare big one in various ways. I relate to some of your examples. Also, for me even some (not all) cooking/baking projects are among my frequent small pleasures. I see them as fun. Really, anything that makes me laugh or smile is a treat for me. I try hard to laugh by watching comedy shows or entertaining myself and Hubby with humor. He entertains me (and himself), as well. Nature, music, all kinds of things.

2. I must try harder at letting others help me. I'm not always good at asking for it, either. This had been an issue most of my life. In general, I tend to keep a figurative glass wall between myself and others, and operate in an independent world...a bit of an introvert who can seem a superficial extrovert, at times. I know the reasons, but that doesn't fully help. I have discussed this with my past psychiatrist, and most of the therapists I've had in the past decade. It's a hard "protective" wall for me to pull down. "Protective" sadly also means "limiting" to a degree.

3. I can't really complain about my current medication mix. I've been pretty darned stable for the last year, with only very brief hiccups. It is understandable given my stressful move to Europe...during a pandemic. I don't have any significant side effects from my current mix. I guess I could say my Seroquel XR makes it difficult to get up at 5 am, but big whoop! As for weight gain, it could be far worse. Frankly, it's highly likely I could have been the same weight I am now even with ZERO bipolar medications. However, I can't say this about side effects of other medications I took in the past. Like for your sister, Depakote was a doozy. I reached my heaviest weight ever on the combo of Depakote and Invega, with just awful blood work results. Plus, I nicknamed Depakote "Depressakote" because I had a horrible depression leading to ECT. Depression, itself, didn't help me with weight issues. Others were also real doozies and did me more harm than good, in various ways. It's been a journey! Improved coping skills helped greatly, too.

4. I try to live in the moment, but would be lying if I said I had no goals for the future. Definitely more socialization. Integration, in general, including new language learning. Something I push harder than my husband is to find a more long-term living arrangement. We are currently renting a house. I want to own one again, not only as an investment, but for the freedoms one has when owning and the feeling of truly belonging to a place. I'm pushing to start looking, but it is hard to push my husband. This stupid pandemic also continues to be a barrier.

5. It took a while, but I think I know most of my triggers. This knowledge has been highly valuable, especially since I've learned good coping skills to fight (and anticipate) them. Yes, sometimes avoidance is one, but then sometimes avoidance perpetuates problems. I'm definitely not 100% in control of everything that triggers me, but I give myself a pat on the back for what I have achieved. I also feel more confident in the present and do some planning for future stressors.

Bizi and Beth, yesterday I had tuna and salmon and a lot of cauliflower and a few berries among some other normal things that I eat daily. I do normally get about 60-70 grams of protein a day.

Yesterday I ate around 1,320 calories plus some vegetables I didn't calculate. I thought yesterday was actually better then some other days I've had recently.

I had to double up on seroquel. I had to. I wasn’t going to sleep until who knows what time if I didn’t. I took the extra at 10:20pm and still didn’t sleep until at least 12:30am. I am super hungover today. I forced myself awake at 8am because I was supposed to see my therapist at nine but she forgot bc it’s 9:30 and I haven’t heard from her. Or she’s sick, who knows, maybe she has Covid. Anyway I’m not mad, it was nice enough of her to even say she would on a weekend and if she forgot or otherwise can’t make it oh well.

My eyes are so heavy. I don’t know what to do tonight if I can’t sleep again, I won’t be able to take 50mg and stil get up at 6:15 for work tomorrow. I’m thinking I’m going to take 25 at like 7 and if I’m not tired by 9 I’ll take another. Maybe that will space it out enough.

It’s 17 here so I don’t think we’re doing anything again.

My anxiety is kinda sucky today. It was like that all night and then I drank a can of cherry Coke zero and then I got a medium Coke zero with real cream from Sonic. I waited a bit to let those pass through my system before I took my first valium. Which hasn't seemed to have done much. I still don't want to take the visteril so I'm just hanging on as much as I possibly can. I did take an extra geodon 20 last night and then I was out of the 20's and I thought I couldn't get it refilled until the 29th. I remember taking maybe 2 extras and then a 3rd capsule was broken. But I don't know what happened to the others. But I found out today that the 20 is ready to be picked up. Which is a relief that I don't have to go without that and my 3rd valium at the same time.

But today I am once again just trying to hang on. But I'm wondering at what point do I need to stop hanging on and start taking control and start doing things like going back to work. I do feel like I should hear from my doctor first to hear whats up with the blood results. Then after that see where I am at.

I had planned on going to the library today but I'm not sure. I want to get back into reading so I can do some healthy distraction but I'm not sure I feel like dealing with crowds. Although I have no idea how busy this library gets on a Sunday. I may just read the book I got for christmas and go in the morning.

Edit: I did take the second valium about an hour ago. So then I thought maybe I needed to eat but it was still awhile before my mom got the pizza home. So I drank a Sprite zero and I took my Topamax. When she got home with the pizza I took my geodon she had picked up, with water and the pizza. Now I am just headachy and cold and getting that weird fatigue thing again. Plus I'm still anxious but I am still trying to hold off on the visteriel. I don't think I am at a code 12 emergency yet.

Code 12 is something I got from the SpongeBob episode "Imitation Krabs." I've been saying it when my anxiety or physical symptoms are out of control.

I didnt get to the library, I'll go in the morning. Today I've been reading the book I got for Christmas. Its a non fiction book on haunted locations in my state and theres a pretty big inaccuarate historical fact in it. Its actually pretty big that I am sure even people not from my state would be like wtf that is not true.