Bipolar check-in #64

I was on my way to see T and interstate was shut down. Took me an hour and half to get there. I eve left early. All well. You have to be there within 15 mins of appt time to be seen. Luckily I made it

Today is my normal therapy day and I'm about 20 minutes away from my transference T's office. How ironic. I'm feeling some things I'm not gonna lie. Not just about her though. Just about the move in general. Its been almost a year. May 11th. Today has been good. Just the normal shopping I do when I'm in my homestate. Later we have dinner plans at a familar resturant with my uncle and his girlfriend. I've always been very close to my uncle and nothing changed between us when I came out. He actually called me to talk to me after my mom texted him and he told me how accepting he was of me and stuff. Anyways, I've been close to his girlfriend too and she is accepting but not quite understanding. She still accidently deadnames me and makes iffy comments but she means well. I hope it won't be a late night.

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Originally Posted by Nammu Beth I hate that your in a bad place cognitively. You’ve had a rough time of it lately. Went to aqua fitness this morning I was number 8 on the waiting list but there was only one extra person with me in the small pool! Gees. I leave the pool a bit early so I can grab one of the 8 private dressing rooms. I got there early too so I could sit in the hot tub, but I couldn’t, it was closed today. And most frustrating is that I signed up by 7:02 for next’s weeks class and I’m number 8 again! I really didn’t want to go this morning but I have my pdoc appointment today and wanted to be able to say I went. I have no excuse but laziness for not going today.

Aw, please don't be so hard on yourself. You're amazing about attending fitness classes! You probably needed a day off. I'm sorry about the frustrations, though. Oooh, I wish I was in a hot tub this very minute.

Thank you for your kindness. You know, I'm quite sure that all the many years of Klonopin has done cognitive damage to my brain. But lately, I haven't been very stable, so things are worse.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird hugs to everyone struggling and hugs to everyone else too My sister is dropping off Maybelle tomorrow morning to live with me, I'm going to keep her and Mustachio in separate rooms for a couple hours so they can sniff through the door and get used to each other's scent before I let them meet face to face. I'm super excited!! I finally got some sleep last night, I was up for well over 24 hours before I finally fell asleep. I have been doing some cleaning today, trying to get my apartment looking nice just because I've been lazy lately and haven't been keeping up with it. Well, to be honest I was extremely sore for a few days after I did all that exercise so it was kind of hard to get up and move around. Also excited because I may be getting some McDonald's tomorrow for a treat. It's been about 109 days in recovery from my eating disorder and I'm very proud of myself for that. I haven't restricted/purged/binged the entire time which is a major record for me. My cat wakes me up everyday by cuddling, purring, and licking my nose, so I get up to get her her breakfast, I say "do you want breakfast!?" and she starts meowing and getting super excited, she's so sweet I'm getting a scratching post/hammock combo thing for the cats, ordering it in a couple days, and some catnip, new toys, and a brush for them. They should be happy

How exciting that Maybelle will be joining your family tomorrow! I like the idea of a cat hammock. I've seen pics of cat hammocks people have crocheted - wish I could do that. I've never had a cat hammock, but I had hammocks for my rats and they would all pile in there and snooze. It was adorable.

How wonderful that you finally got some sleep.

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Originally Posted by Pinny Aww Beth I hope you get some more sleep! And I hope everything goes well with your kitty! That must be so difficult to balance and choose between foods and work out what’s best for them! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling with interactions! That sounds so tough, I’m glad you aren’t blaming yourself. Remember to be kind to yourself! Just like how you are so kind to others on here! Lots of hugs

Thank you, Pinny, for all the kind words you've given me about my cat, Sidney. Support from you means a lot

Oh how exciting you’re getting a second cat, they can keep each other and you entertained. Glad you got some sleep.

Whew, did I ever make a mistake. So I was awake between 4 and about 8. Finally fell into a weird sleep, bizarre dreams, kept waking up, very cold, put socks and a bunch of clothing on, etc. Finally, I gave up and got out of bed. I felt horrible. My heart was pounding, I felt weak, when I blinked my eyelids felt very heavy, in general, I felt like I was almost passing out. I went to take my morning meds and...uh-oh. I realized that I neglected to take Klonopin last night. I haven't missed a single dose of K-pin for at least 10 years, because I get such bad withdrawal if I miss even one dose. Holy cow, I'm glad I wasn't having heart failure or something. Of course, I took my morning dose and finally, about an hour later, I'm feeling better. Wild.

While I was up during the night the news came through that Putler has cut off gas supplies to Poland and to Bulgaria. It's very disturbing news altogether, and I'm deeply concerned because I have friends that are so close they're like family in Sofia, Bulgaria. My Goddaughter there has a little one, a precious little girl, she's only 3. I'm very concerned about them at this point. I just cannot understand how that man is being allowed to continue these monstrosities. I expected more from the world in this year of 2022, more protection for vulnerable people.

Wow missing one dose does that! Man I’d be so wild to be off it altogether cause I’d hate that hanging over me. I get horrible withdrawals from the ambien. That’s why I wanted a pdoc, to get me off of this stuff. Never ever have I been not able to just quit a med when I wanted to. I got such bad withdrawals and they continued for weeks. Absolutely can’t stand the thought that a little pill can do that to me. I envision horrible scenarios where I can’t get a med for one reason or another, being chained to it is a nightmare for me. I’m so sorry they got you hooked on that.

I ran today! First time running since I broke my hip, didn't even hurt that much! Of course I only ran about 200 yards but it felt good. I can't wait until my car repairs are done so I can go hiking! Tomorrow I think I'm going to run around the block which is about a quarter mile.
---
sending hugs to everyone who's struggling

I’m better today. In a sense anyway. I heard a voice this morning but at least I don’t hear voices that talk to me. Usually just one thing like someone calling my name. And it was just once.

I was so physically and mentally tired this morning I felt like crying. I certainly didn’t feel like going to PHP. But they don’t let you skip unless you have like a medical appt or something. If you don’t answer the phone they call your emergency contact and if they can’t verify your safety they send the cops for a “wellness check”. I’m sure cops love taking time out of their day for a “wellness check” on a mental health patient. So I went. Sometime during third group I switched back over to furious. I was so desperate to self harm but thankfully PHP has those re-freezable ice cubes so I squeezed those. Kept getting up and switching my melted ones for fresh ones. I was going to go to the gym but I was so hungry I thought I would collapse so I came home and now I’m over it. I think I’m gonna do a YouTube workout instead.

I still want to self harm badly but I won’t, I cant, I can’t be forced IP again.

I’m so sorry to those who are currently struggling. I hope this passes quickly and you feel better soon!

So I am doing well, just very tired today. Still struggling with hypersomnia I think but it’s manageable at the moment. I tend to go to bed at 6-8ish but I had a nap earlier so I’ve made it to 9 tonight. It’s quite frustrating still, why do I need so much more sleep!

Besides that my mood has been alright. I’m managing work. I’m back now properly, after a phased return. Everyone senior to me have been very supportive I think, to my face at least, I don’t really care what they say behind my back.

I still get down and quite sensitive, but I’m working on separating this out. I think my meds are working, but I’m not quite there. If that makes sense?
I’m going to start going to the gym again after going away next week!

I’m just going with my mum and sister to a cottage on the coast! It looks lovely! It’s right on the beach and I LOVE the beach! Despite it being a Scottish beach so it’ll prob be raining/windy/cold

I think it will be good for the soul

I hope you are all taking care of yourselves and being kind to yourselves! Lots of love and hugs

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Originally Posted by Nammu Wow missing one dose does that! Man I’d be so wild to be off it altogether cause I’d hate that hanging over me. I get horrible withdrawals from the ambien. That’s why I wanted a pdoc, to get me off of this stuff. Never ever have I been not able to just quit a med when I wanted to. I got such bad withdrawals and they continued for weeks. Absolutely can’t stand the thought that a little pill can do that to me. I envision horrible scenarios where I can’t get a med for one reason or another, being chained to it is a nightmare for me. I’m so sorry they got you hooked on that.

Yep. And I am desperate to get off it. That's what benzos do - especially after 20+ years. It seriously scares me to remain on Klonopin, but the withdrawal is sheer hell. I've tried it a few times, verrry slowly - over a full year. I did manage to get down to 1mg/day rather than 2mg/day, but after that I was physically a wreck. I truly had a very difficult time with walking because the withdrawal affected my muscles or something.

I've always taken the K-pin as prescribed...when I was first on it in the late '80's benzos were considered a miracle med. Now I'm sometimes judged harshly by doctors for being on a benzo. Well, times and medicine change. They need to take that into account.

I fully support your desire to get off Ambien. The sooner, the better.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I’m better today. In a sense anyway. I heard a voice this morning but at least I don’t hear voices that talk to me. Usually just one thing like someone calling my name. And it was just once. I was so physically and mentally tired this morning I felt like crying. I certainly didn’t feel like going to PHP. But they don’t let you skip unless you have like a medical appt or something. If you don’t answer the phone they call your emergency contact and if they can’t verify your safety they send the cops for a “wellness check”. I’m sure cops love taking time out of their day for a “wellness check” on a mental health patient. So I went. Sometime during third group I switched back over to furious. I was so desperate to self harm but thankfully PHP has those re-freezable ice cubes so I squeezed those. Kept getting up and switching my melted ones for fresh ones. I was going to go to the gym but I was so hungry I thought I would collapse so I came home and now I’m over it. I think I’m gonna do a YouTube workout instead. I still want to self harm badly but I won’t, I cant, I can’t be forced IP again.

Stay strong. We're in the same boat right now. Gotta keep maintaining.

Oh yeah, Beth I remember the 80’s too, they just threw benzos at everyone back then. My first diagnosis was ptsd and I was so skinny from the anxiety and lack of sleep and they had me on that long one that you could snap into three tiny pieces. Can’t recall which benzo that was but I’m so surprised I could walk on the amount of meds they had me on back then. I became so dislocated because of the meds. My night meds caused me to sleepwalk. I’d get picked up by the cops and somehow they knew to take me to hospitals instead of jail. Thank god. I don’t know how I avoided getting physically hooked on the benzos from those days I was on them for years. I was on all of them at one time or another. Seemed like it was the med of choice back then. Since I recovered from the ptsd my anxiety has been much better and no one has suggested meds for anxiety since about 10 years ago. All that therapy paid off.

I'm still very groggy from my surgery and have sent out one confused, (hilarious), nonsensical email so I'm not yet ready to be posting on here. But I wanted to let pople know I'm ok, just very, very tired and trying toget through the fatigue that seems to be a big part of procedures for me.

Be back soon!

Take your time.

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Originally Posted by Sapien I ran today! First time running since I broke my hip, didn't even hurt that much! Of course I only ran about 200 yards but it felt good. I can't wait until my car repairs are done so I can go hiking! Tomorrow I think I'm going to run around the block which is about a quarter mile. --- sending hugs to everyone who's struggling

That is ***wonderful!***

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Originally Posted by Nammu Oh yeah, Beth I remember the 80’s too, they just threw benzos at everyone back then. My first diagnosis was ptsd and I was so skinny from the anxiety and lack of sleep and they had me on that long one that you could snap into three tiny pieces. Can’t recall which benzo that was but I’m so surprised I could walk on the amount of meds they had me on back then. I became so dislocated because of the meds. My night meds caused me to sleepwalk. I’d get picked up by the cops and somehow they knew to take me to hospitals instead of jail. Thank god. I don’t know how I avoided getting physically hooked on the benzos from those days I was on them for years. I was on all of them at one time or another. Seemed like it was the med of choice back then. Since I recovered from the ptsd my anxiety has been much better and no one has suggested meds for anxiety since about 10 years ago. All that therapy paid off.

It is a blessing when therapy helps that much.

Yes, the breakable benzo is Xanax. And that was something notable - benzos were made to be easily swallowed, they taste slightly sweet, and they are easy to break.

Ahhh yes the cost of everything is crazy but it sounds like you’ve been busy but enjoyable.

I will check that person out. It’s pretty shocking just how many people die of Heroin over doses. Very sad.

I was only to NYC once back in my 20’s a friends daughter lived in NJ so we went into the city for a couple days. Was very enjoyable. We walked our feet right off lol so much to see and do.

When do you head back ? Have you any plans to make a trip to France in search of a real home ? I hope you can find a great place to settle.

Hugs !

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Today is my normal therapy day and I'm about 20 minutes away from my transference T's office. How ironic. I'm feeling some things I'm not gonna lie. Not just about her though. Just about the move in general. Its been almost a year. May 11th. Today has been good. Just the normal shopping I do when I'm in my homestate. Later we have dinner plans at a familar resturant with my uncle and his girlfriend. I've always been very close to my uncle and nothing changed between us when I came out. He actually called me to talk to me after my mom texted him and he told me how accepting he was of me and stuff. Anyways, I've been close to his girlfriend too and she is accepting but not quite understanding. She still accidently deadnames me and makes iffy comments but she means well. I hope it won't be a late night.

Wow, your uncle really loves you. That's what life is about. I had an awesome uncle, I really miss him. Enjoy your dinner.

Thanks for checking in, Rainbow!

Hey all!
I should probably make a separate thread, but i'm pressed for time and also not feeling great.
Just had a thought or question, rather, do many of you have your bipolar in check? you don't have to answer if this is invasive. I'm just wondering because ever since being on a stabilizer, I have not gone up. Is this normal? I seem to recall hearing a lot of stories to the contrary. That's what I was getting at. I understand meds don't work for all, but is it normal to like never go up? I don't know. I kinda miss being high (since I'm always just kinda low now)

Beth ! Just going to hug you tight okay ?

Nammu I hear you on the throwaways. So much stuff is so cheaply made yet expensive that it winds up needing to be replaced. Sad

Wild. I’m glad that you’re not worse that actually means alot ( I know the feeling)

Bluebird. Yay ! The day has arrived you are expanding your family ! I can’t wait to see pictures

Pinny. Good for you going back and things going well. Yes I’d not give a damn about what others think. Take care of you.

Whatever. I just kept eating last night after dinner. I was so mad at myself this morning when my blood glucose was elevated. But I can’t change what I did to myself. So I’m giving myself kindness and grace. Don’t beat yourself up too bad

MM wow I can’t believe Miguel is finishing college. I remember when he was just a lil boy. Time is flying !

Jennifer. Oh I’m so sorry your Mom is going with you on vacation I agree you need a full break. Are you still out and about with friends ??

Rainbow.. so great to see your post. You take all the time you need . You know where I am day or night

I saw Richard today. We started a new Type of Therapy called Internal Family Systems ( IFS ) few weeks ago….it’s really interesting. It’s confusing at times but so far it’s okay. Im hoping that it will continue to help me understand myself better. I’m really interested in continuing it.

Steve worked a lot on my car the last week it’s been needing lots of maintenance work. I glad it’s done. I still have no idea how we will ever fix the truck we owe almost 1 1/2 years left to pay for it so not sure how we can afford a new engine until we no longer have a truck payment. I hate having just one vehicle.

I am pulling out a frozen pizza for dinner. It’s a mushroom and truffle oil and it’s very tasty…. I just have zero ambition to actually cook a “ meal “

Started season 3 of Stranger Things last night. Amanda bought us the series for Christmas. It’s a oddly enjoyable series.

Hope everyone is having a good day. The weather here is glorious low 70’s and sunny. All our trees are coming back so pretty. Love it ! I’d prefer no pollen tho lol . I have allergy meds and Sudafed so it’s tolerable.



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Originally Posted by giddykitty Hey all! I should probably make a separate thread, but i'm pressed for time and also not feeling great. Just had a thought or question, rather, do many of you have your bipolar in check? you don't have to answer if this is invasive. I'm just wondering because ever since being on a stabilizer, I have not gone up. Is this normal? I seem to recall hearing a lot of stories to the contrary. That's what I was getting at. I understand meds don't work for all, but is it normal to like never go up? I don't know. I kinda miss being high (since I'm always just kinda low now)

Hi gkitty, When I was on a higher dose of Lamictal I had no "up" at all. It felt flat to me and I hated that feeling. Now I'm on only 150mg of Lamictal and I don't have that flat feeling anymore. Of course, I don't feel quite as stable, either.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina Beth ! Just going to hug you tight okay ? ..... I saw Richard today. We started a new Type of Therapy called Internal Family Systems ( IFS ) few weeks ago….it’s really interesting. It’s confusing at times but so far it’s okay. Im hoping that it will continue to help me understand myself better. I’m really interested in continuing it. Steve worked a lot on my car the last week it’s been needing lots of maintenance work. I glad it’s done. I still have no idea how we will ever fix the truck we owe almost 1 1/2 years left to pay for it so not sure how we can afford a new engine until we no longer have a truck payment. I hate having just one vehicle. I am pulling out a frozen pizza for dinner. It’s a mushroom and truffle oil and it’s very tasty…. I just have zero ambition to actually cook a “ meal “ Started season 3 of Stranger Things last night. Amanda bought us the series for Christmas. It’s a oddly enjoyable series. Hope everyone is having a good day. The weather here is glorious low 70’s and sunny. All our trees are coming back so pretty. Love it ! I’d prefer no pollen tho lol . I have allergy meds and Sudafed so it’s tolerable. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you so much, dear Christina. I love your tight hug.

More and more, I've heard about IFS. I am looking forward to you letting us know how you feel about it.

Pizza sounds so good right now. Enjoy!

Ugh. David and I raised the kids with only 1 vehicle in the family. I don't even know how we did it. I don't think I'd have the energy to manage that now. Having to pay on the truck while it's not running is a shyte position to be in. I feel so bad for you, especially because you're in the country.

I saw something about Stranger Things. I'll check into it. I need a new show.

Have a beautiful evening. How's your pain level been?