Bipolar check-in #64

I do things like that too, put something in a prominent place so I’ll see it. It works for a few days then I don’t “see” it anymore, it’s just part of the background. I tell my doctors straight up that I only do medication am and pm, I can’t remember any other times. Antibiotics are short term so I can manage that, mostly

Beth, This sounds like the starting of an episode.
I am sorry. I hope things get better for you. You are always so kind to us, please be kind to yourself.
look up excoriation disorder.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I had no idea there was a "real" name for dermatillomania. Again, thank you! Now I have a scientific name to tell my med provider. I've had the disorder since I was a young child. So, for about 55 years. But in all that time it has never been as bad as it's been since the horrible last session with that damned pdoc. It's embarrassing to admit, but I literally lie in bed tearing at my cuticles these past 2 weeks. I'll spend a good hour or more doing it. It is absolutely an anxiety thing. While I'm tearing my skin it feels like I'm doing something to help alleviate the bad feelings - but my fingers are so sore and scary-looking. I have pretty tattoos on some of my fingers and on my hands; the tattoos draw attention to my hands, thus, to the raw places on my fingers. Ugh.

/QUOTE]

I have a trick for this. It works for me anyway. I get those blister bandaids that are really thick rubbery stuff and put them on any finger that I have opened up or that is really sore. They stay in place long enough for the prior damage to heal and if I pick at them nothing happens because the bandaids are made to stick for a while. The last time I was IP I had them on 7 fingers at one point. But it really does help me and I pick a lot less than I used to.

And yes, the flea meds are for my cat!

Well I’m not having a good day. Slept terrible when the alarm went off I had just gotten to a deep sleep. Took me a few minutes to get moving and I signed on to sign up for aqua fitness next week, sigh, was late it was seven minutes after 7 and already I was on the wait list! You can sign up starting at 7! I just felt so sad and down that I canceled today aqua and went back to bed.

Was awake but dreaming. That happens when I don’t sleep enough but I dream. Then I got up for fitness class. Pushed myself to get there and almost left cause so down. The low pressure rainy day wasn’t helping. But I got though it by telling myself I can do anything for one hour,…45 minutes, 30 minutes then finally I could tell myself there was only ten more minutes. Tomorrow I have my fitness evaluation I hope I sleep tonight.

Then it was time to go pick up the groceries. Mum said just as I left she wanted prunes. I told her I wasn’t going in the store just picking up the pre ordered groceries. But…. I did go in. Of course there was no close parking, but I told myself at least it’s only sprinkling now. Then when I drove up to the pick up area there was a bunch of cars parked there. And nobody around to bring the groceries. Then I had so much fun on the drive back.

It’s pouring out again and traffic is heavy and a guy in a red pick up behind me on the entrance ramp pulls out in front of a semi passes me and the car in front of me then swerve s back into the right lane to exit and almost hits a car and the interstate is full of cars and semis! Sheeze I sure hope I can sleep tonight. I’m not that far down on my taper that it should be this bad. I’m thinking of adding the extra 20 of latuda he gave me.

I had my phone appointment with my doctor and he prescribed the Wellbutrin. I talk to him again in two weeks. I just have to have it delivered tomorrow and start it on Friday and i should be on my way to feeling better.

Holy moldy Burning man is $575 and that doesn’t include the car fee $140 I always wanted to go to the burning man.

I’ve not been well at all. I think I’m either losing my mind or going into a depression. Everything came crashing down around me yesterday and I didn’t handle it as well as I could. I got some bad news about my health that I’m not ready to talk about yet. There were other things that happened and then the final straw was losing the car keys when I had a social event last night. I never got to that social event.

I had a pleasant Easter despite M not being there. I’ll meet her half way Sunday to visit. We had a good meal and a scrumptious gourmet Strawberry cake. Everything was good really.

I’ve not been taking my medicine as prescribed. I can’t say why. It’s hurting me.

My friend has become a problem. It hurts and it’s all my fault. I invited this friend back into my life with all the hurt that goes along with that. I need to cut ties and heal and move on. Today is rough but I will get back on my feet and be stronger than ever. It just hurts right now. My friend turned out to be fair weather at best. It’s disappointing. I should have known better. I did know better. Shame on me.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

I was sooooo depressed the last three days. I hadn’t told RS bc I knew he’d be very upset as I’ve only been out of the hospital for a week but I had to bc my clinician was going to call him. He was indeed very upset and mentioned taking off to Florida to live if I went back to the hospital.

I know he was not serious but this is the second time he’s said something like this. But I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t actually do it. I know how hard it must be to care for me in this state. I told him he’s not alone in feeling that way and lots of caregivers feel the exact same way. So much so that there are many support groups for different types of carers. I know that NAMI used to run one for people caring for others with serious mental illness and they probably still do. RS would never go though. He knows what he said was a little hurtful and apologized immediately.

I know I’m not doing everything I can to help myself either and now I feel guilty about that. I have to admit my (possible) trauma actually did happen But it’s so scary…it will be so painful. See I can’t even write definitely here.

I did at least write about it in my journal which I haven’t been able to do so that’s a start.

I’m feeling better today so far, I’ll probably feel like crap at program but as long as I feel better when I come home it won’t be so bad.

Oh some good news - we got our new mattress yesterday and I did not wake up in unbearable pain today! I stretched my back out before I got out of bed and it did not scream at me when I put my feet on the floor lol. Of course I did not sleep on my back, and I must do that when my wedge pillow comes in (I’m snoring again bc I gained a lot of weight :-/) so hopefully it will continue to feel better. It’s pretty wrecked from those hospital beds.

Oops! I think I did too.

Yes it is lousy feeling like the addiction comes before you! Caleb told me the other day that he can go for over an hour without smoking- like at an airport or on an airplane- if he "has to" but that's the thing, isn't it: he doesn't WANT to not smoke every 15 minutes- or sometimes even less than that when chain smoking. Or maybe it's every 10 minutes I don't know- whatever it is it's too often for me. He doesn't care that maybe I don't enjoy being around smoke so often. And when he stays at my place he's going to want to smoke on my balcony which the lease says is strictly prohibited and you can get in trouble if you let your friends smoke on property! Addictions suck. What's worse is the mental addiction. The physical isn't as bad as the mental gymnastics they have to go through to justify smoking to themselves. Usually it's just "I want to so I'm going to. Period!"

Sapien? I was thinking of you too.

Beth, I have not found CBT to be of much help either. Does the T offer any DBT? She says she misses seeing you. Wow, no T has said that to me (I suspect they may be schooled that way in this area Or maybe I really am/was a ''horrible'' client.

Yuck. I'm sorry about the mouldy pie.

Our trifle was bought from the supermarket, mixed berry trifle.

(tbh, papa bear is more into cooking than I am. A step witch might have factored into that. )

Sending hugs