Bipolar check-in #65

I'm having a monster of a struggle right now. My therapist is still unwell, having trouble with her breathing. She'll be out for sure for my Monday appointment and Thursday is definitely up in the air. She's been out this week, of course - and out for our previous Thursday appointment. The month of April was hellish, the beginning of May was very rough. My last appt. with her 12 days ago was intense and I really needed to have regular appointments again.

In short, I miss her extremely. I have had a gift for her, some pretty Noah bells that hang up; I've been holding it for 10 days. It could well be the rest of the month, or close, before I see her again, knowing her history of lung issues.

This town is not very big and I know where she lives (I once looked up her address just for the heck of it, years ago). I am very seriously thinking about driving to (near) her house, quietly walking over there, and leaving the gift for her on her porch.

M. has never been SUPER tight about boundaries. I mean, she definitely remains professional, but she does tell me all about her family, their names, and events in her life. Definitely not as closed as many therapists are. I truly don't think she'd stop seeing me if I drop the gift off. Honestly...I don't know what she'd think. We're close; I know she feels closer to me than to most of her other clients. She HAS to realize that I am very much missing her. It's a lot to ask for me to just go on and on, not knowing when she'll return. 3 years ago, when I very first started seeing her, she ended up being out for 3 full months. And I ended up IP.

Ugggh, I'm so stuck.

Beth. Have you looked in to getting a new therapist? This has been an ongoing issue, I had no idea for 3 years! I think you said she’s 71. You clearly need a T who is more available. What about where you have your new pdoc? If her not being there is so unstablelizing you clearly need someone who can be there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Beth. Have you looked in to getting a new therapist? This has been an ongoing issue, I had no idea for 3 years! I think you said she’s 71. You clearly need a T who is more available. What about where you have your new pdoc? If her not being there is so unstablelizing you clearly need someone who can be there.

I know. Her health and absences are an enormous problem. Huge problem. Makes a mess of therapeutic continuity. And... just as real is how well M. and I connect, which is very strongly. She's a profoundly intuitive and wise woman, very kind and gentle to me (I've seen her be quite firm with some other people). But her health problems are very disruptive. Yet, the thought of finding another therapist who isn't my kids' ages, but is older than I am, and that I connect with...and (the biggie), having to re-introduce myself and all the "stuff"...I just don't have it in me. Plus, with my disability Medicare I don't pay, so there's the thing of finding a therapist who accepts Medicare, which isn't too easy.

Maybe leaving the gift at M.'s house is my way of letting her know how much her absences affect me. Maybe it's a way of dropping the ball in her court, because I feel so stuck about what to do. And boy, do I ever feel stuck.

Thanks for your reply, Nammu. It means the world, you know...just to reach out and have a friend grab your hand.

And yes - from the first 5 minutes I watched Call the Midwife a year or so ago I was immersed! I bought and read Jennifer Worth's books, too.

Re: midwife. I haven’t read the books, I should do.

I still can't breathe or swallow properly and its pretty bad right now and my blood pressure is pretty low. But every doctor and nurse I've seen and talked with this week didn't seem worried. So I guess I shouldnt be either.

As much as you don’t want testing vomiting will just make matters work as that causes damage of another kind. Get it checked out. I have to have esophageal dialation and it fixed my problems. I do need it done again I’m choking on everything which it what I struggle with more that vomiting.

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Glad you getting testing to figure out what’s going on.

Enjoy seeing M and celebrating Mother’s Day. What do you have on panned for Florida ? Just relaxing ? Oh a trip sounds lovely

Yay ! Almost pool time

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Please talk to your pdoc and or T. Be very careful I had a close call in September. I got very lucky.

Take care

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Beth I hope M can start being more consistent with appts that’s just hard to handle when it’s hit or Miss like it’s been lately.

She might love a gift and not think it’s crossing boundaries.

Glad you love you blanket. I might get one in the fall. Now that summer is here I can’t handle a blanket of anykind, sheet either even with the AC blasting. LOL

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Sitting on my porch in the shade and there’s a breeze so it’s actually comfortable.

My PsA pain is waking me up at night. Like Really?!!!!!!

I really wish I could get a new kitchen sink it’s stainless and old in a bad way. It’s just dull and I hate it. I have specific cleaners and polishes and it does little anymore. My whole kitchen is spotless but that damn sink ruins it. Ahhhhh maybe one day it’s low on a “ want” list.

We let neighbor Mennonites put cattle on our land last 3 years and refused to take any money of course. Today Wendall came over saying he’s bringing a load of gravel for the driveway that we have been needing so bad. Yes I’m excited over gravel lol


Yes Gus is nosey lol

Anyone have weekend plans???!

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Thanks so much for this! I've resisted buying ice cream lately- especially the tonight dough! I love that stuff. I could - and have- eaten a whole container in one sitting! Last night I wanted ice cream but my daughter had just treated me to fancy ramen at a sit down place - mine was hot plus it was hot out- so I didn't think I should ask for anything else. But boy! Was I hot from leaning over that steaming bowl of ramen! I kept having to wipe my face with my cloth napkin! I can see how you could feel justified in pigging out after exercise- I often treat myself after exercise with going out to eat. Not good for the budget either! I try not to take naps but that's because I usually sleep in till 10 or 11! I should set an alarm for earlier but I just don't.

Ooo nice 😊 the things we get excited about when we’re older certainly does change doesn’t it!

@*Beth*

I feel your pain about not wanting to “start over”. I still feel that if my T ever left or stopped seeing patients I would not get a new one. I’ve been with her for 7 years, it would be impossible to start over. She’s probably only about ten to fifteen years older than me but still, who knows what could happen.

However…you do seem just so upset when you can’t see her regularly. It’s a real conundrum, I know, with no easy solution unfortunately. I hope you can reach the decision that’s best for you!

I’m glad your bamboo blanket came in and that you find it so helpful! I get cold at night, not hot, so I don’t have that issue, but if I did I could understand how bamboo would be appealing! I’m considering purchasing a bamboo pajama set though.

Ain't that the truth!

That’s so nice of your neighbors!

I have TONS of house plans if we ever hit the lottery lol. Some stuff can be done slowly, like a new ceiling fan and a new side porch light. I really want a sconce on the kitchen wall above the table as the lights cast shadows right over where we sit to eat. But that will have to wait. My dream is to build a patio and a greenhouse but that’s likely never going to come to fruition. We’d be better off moving in a decade or so to a house that already has a patio! I love this house, it’s great for a first house, but when my son gets older and maybe goes off to college I want to look around in a more rural-ish area for a larger yard. I know RS would love a garage and more space to store his various vehicles (two large diesel trucks and a jeep Cherokee). Pretty impossible to afford anywhere with a big yard in NJ though. Even the more rural areas are being built up with McMansions. I’d love to take my grandma’s house but she specifically said no one gets it, we are to sell at split the profits to be fair to everyone. She knows there would be arguments among my dysfunctional family

This weekend I start work at my part time job, and then we’re taking my mom out to a belated Mother’s Day lunch. Then on Sunday we’re going on a hike in the mountains then to my grandmas to pick up a deck umbrella. She can’t stand throwing stuff out so we agree to take it under the guise of using it and donate/throw it out ourselves. I think she knows this but she still feels better if we do it!

Sending healing vibes for all your pain!

It has been 3 weeks since I fell and hurt my knees. I really think I should go to physical therapy to be evaluated and treated.
Both knees have different problems/pain when putting pressure on them like for my job. I kneel down on the floor.
anyway...
hugs to anyone who needs one.
(((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Ooo the thrill of watching call the midwife for the first time! I cried so much watching that show!

I was in the middle of Season 10 when something triggered my mind and I realized that I had already watched season 10 Darn Klonopin has destroyed my memory.

So I found season 11 on a PBS site and watched the first episode. I'm excited because the creators of the show have said there will be seasons 12 and 13!

It's interesting to me because when I had my babies I had to have c-sections both times. The first one went well. The second time, my son, was an agonizing birth. I had a good friend who was a midwife and had strongly discouraged me from having another cesarean section. I was young and insecure, so I listened to her - or tried to. After a 23-hour labor that included 6 hours of pushing (ridiculous) I finally begged for a cesarean. When he was born, my son weighed 10lbs., 7 oz. Huge. No wonder he got stuck!

My point is that I didn't have a good feeling about midwives after that birth. They tend to be anti-cesarean, which is foolish, as some people need to give birth by c-section. The show Ask the Midwife has helped me to have a much better feeling about midwives.

The books Jennifer Worth wrote are so interesting, as you can imagine. After I read them (a set of 3) I donated them to a little library. That was in the autumn so the books are long gone, otherwise I would be so happy to send them to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi It has been 3 weeks since I fell and hurt my knees. I really think I should go to physical therapy to be evaluated and treated. Both knees have different problems/pain when putting pressure on them like for my job. I kneel down on the floor. anyway... hugs to anyone who needs one. (((((((HUGS)))))) bizi

bizi. Please get checked out

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Sitting on my porch in the shade and there’s a breeze so it’s actually comfortable. My PsA pain is waking me up at night. Like Really?!!!!!! I really wish I could get a new kitchen sink it’s stainless and old in a bad way. It’s just dull and I hate it. I have specific cleaners and polishes and it does little anymore. My whole kitchen is spotless but that damn sink ruins it. Ahhhhh maybe one day it’s low on a “ want” list. We let neighbor Mennonites put cattle on our land last 3 years and refused to take any money of course. Today Wendall came over saying he’s bringing a load of gravel for the driveway that we have been needing so bad. Yes I’m excited over gravel lol Yes Gus is nosey lol Anyone have weekend plans???! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yay, gravel! That will be nice and easier.

What gorgeous land you live on. Seeing your pics is such a treat.

Did you already go to the Mennonite wedding? But no, I think it's in June.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 @*Beth* I feel your pain about not wanting to “start over”. I still feel that if my T ever left or stopped seeing patients I would not get a new one. I’ve been with her for 7 years, it would be impossible to start over. She’s probably only about ten to fifteen years older than me but still, who knows what could happen. However…you do seem just so upset when you can’t see her regularly. It’s a real conundrum, I know, with no easy solution unfortunately. I hope you can reach the decision that’s best for you! I’m glad your bamboo blanket came in and that you find it so helpful! I get cold at night, not hot, so I don’t have that issue, but if I did I could understand how bamboo would be appealing! I’m considering purchasing a bamboo pajama set though.

Thank you

I actually, reluctantly, made an appointment with another therapist at the new clinic where my new med provider is. I was going to check out another T and see what I thought.

2 days before my appointment the clinic receptionist called and said the therapist needed to cancel my appointment . So that was that. No point in going through it all to get another therapist who cancels.

I went to a couple of therapists before I found my current one. They were total duds. Well-intentioned, but just not a fit, at all.

I'm going to buy bamboo pj's in June. Amazon sells them.

I was sleeping well, but then had to get out of bed and move around some. Now it's dawn. Suddenly it warmed up yesterday. It's likely that summer weather has arrived. 90 degrees today, which means a/c this afternoon. I love having the windows open as long as possible, though. My apartment is tiny, but it has wonderful great big windows.


So I had that inspiration to drop the bells off on my therapist's porch. I couldn't shake it, so I drove over there, parked a bit of a way from her house, walked over quietly and quickly, and left the gift.

I came home and called my T's dear receptionist & asked her to text M., tell her that there is something on her porch. 5 minutes later the receptionist called and said M. says "you shouldn't have, but they're beautiful. I'm going to hang them up, the fairies will love them!" (We have talked about fairies in her garden.)

So I was glad I threw it out to the universe and dropped off M.'s gift.

Try not to do this. I think it really wouldn’t work out well for you. I know it’s hard but I think this would make it worse in the long run.

Edit - never mind I just saw your update. Glad it worked out for you

I wouldn’t go by that. They aren’t always right. If you think somethings wrong fight for yourself or get your mum to help. Don’t rely on drs always being right.

My anxiety is eating me alive. I was due to get a vaccine today and I’m totally incapacitated. I don’t know what in the world is going on with me. Ever since I STARTED and stopped that Wellbutrin, I’ve had a problem with serious anxiety. Klonopin does not help. Neither does Xanax. These med providers just don’t listen sometimes. It’s like them telling me that the Lithium was such a low dose that it wouldn’t hurt me and I have permanent kidney damage now. Give me a break.

Tomorrow is our family celebration. I’m looking forward to seeing M as I said. She’s only coming for the meal then leaving so I won’t be able to visit with her much but we had a nice hour long conversation yesterday. Also Florida is coming up just me and her so there is that.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

I’m so sorry, Ts are canceling on you. My last T in Texas I had for 11-12 years in all that time she canceled twice. Up here I tried a guy but we didn’t click and I just quit. There’s not much choice in this small town. And no one that knows ASL.

Oh so sweet. I just ordered bamboo PJs last night! They’ll be here Tuesday!