Bipolar check-in # 66

Ooo chocolate and whine, love to join you. Inflation is the pits. I think the thinking at the grocery store is that if they use more bags you’ll feel better. Cause man, a couple bags only had one item it it!

So I have changed my primary care to a different clinic. Do I dare to hope I'll have a nicer GP than the one I've told myself I had to stay with, for the past 6 years......

The new medical clinic offers therapy for only 6 sessions unless there's substance abuse involved, then there's ongoing therapy and groups. I think that's excellent. I wish someone would get their act together and offer groups for other mental health issues.

I can see a therapist long-term at the clinic where my med dude is, but there's only one I'd be interested in seeing.That said, she's a woman and I'd much rather see a man for therapy.

I'm sure there are also other options for therapy, but I don't know...I don't think I'm feeling it at this time. This whole thing with Mary has been awful and I honestly don't feel like I'll ever truly trust a therapist again. I'm angry with myself that I stuck with her, kept believing in her, when my intuition was telling me otherwise, for years. There are just way too many therapists who keep practicing long after they should so they can pull in a salary, and I swear they know just how to hook a client in.

The only reason I am considering therapy is literally to do a short-term gig with the primary purpose of working through the grief and trauma I'm feeling from my therapy with Mary. I have the option of seeing Dr. B. next week; I could discuss the situation with him. The problem there is that he adores Mary (like, maybe a bit too much). So I'm not sure he'd be able to be objective, and the last thing I need is more crap.

In other news...106 degrees! When I was driving over to the clinic to drop off the new patient form, even though I had the car a/c on I was fighting falling asleep from the heat. When I stepped out of the car it felt like the Negev, the desert in Israel. So terribly hot that my thoughts were fuzzy. Too much.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina Well I’m feeling lousy today. Hope I don’t have an Asthma /URI brewing. Just very tired, still. Steve’s been coughing a lot today. Well we can’t find anyone to work on the oxygen concentrator’s ! Closest we have found that might be able to repair is freaking Atlanta ! Can’t even wrap my head around shipping cost. Not sure what we can do ! Might have to go back to renting but thats 50 something a month. Not sure how much more I can squeeze out of grocery money. Always something ! We treated the dogs for fleas and ticks 3 days ago and Gus has been feeling bad so I have to find another treatment K9 Advantage just isn’t good for him. Never had a problem with Dexter and Sirius. I think I need a bottle of wine and a bag of chocolate! Anyone wanna join me ?!! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That is just crazy about the oxygen concentrator. I'm really sorry. Sheesh.

I just ate a piece of chocolate cake. I haven't eaten chocolate in a long time. If I was a drinking woman I could use a couple of shots of stiff whisky right now. And maybe tomorrow, too

I'm overwhelmed. Miguel can't pay rent. So we have to figure that out. He's unwell but doesn't want to come home. He thinks he can power through. Monday he has to call and see if they changed his team.

I did indeed go to Florida to ease my grief. Sister and mom and I have had a wonderful time in perfect weather and fabulous water temps processing. We are headed home tonight.

There was a red flag flying and I decided to get in. The first time I did well. The second time I got in trouble. I remained calm and had a plan but remained in trouble. I worked my plan against the rip tide and ended up prone on the sand half way in the surf. I had been pulled two football field lengths from our chairs. Sister came to help me back. I wasn’t scared or panicked but I knew I was in significant trouble. Puts things in perspective.

A gentleman we didn’t know came up and gifted us 6 baby sand dollars out of nowhere. I’d like to think it was a parting gift from brother. A sign if you will.

It was a good plan to get out of town for awhile. It’s done us a world of good. Back to reality tonight but with a little less grief and more clarity than ever.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all.

Not sure what to do. My daughter found out I was thinking of joining a dating site which I have not even done yet. She is mad because she thinks I am trying to replace my wife and she does not think it has been long enough since my wife passed away. Now it has only been just shy of 7 months. I am not looking for sex just companionship I am so lonely it's not even funny I need to start going for more motorcycle rides. I just spend like 20 hours in my house all day everyday. I do belong to a widow and widowers group that us a support site and a dating site. I just really hate being all alone chatting online is fine but I miss being face to face.

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Wow she just flipped out on me for nothing. I guess her and I getting along for the last 7 months was to much for her. I love her but I'm not going to be treated like crap. Oh well it was good while it lasted.

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Hi @otroo. Please just see this as a situational argument/fight, not as an end to a blossoming relationship after a tragedy. I'd certainly hope it wouldn't be all that is needed for any negative change.

My mother died about 16 years ago, also suddenly and unexpectedly, like your wife died. I can say that when my dad started "dating" again, it made me upset, as your daughter is. My siblings didn't like it, either. That's very common in such cases. Very! But I now totally understand my father's (and your) need. I think 7 months is likely not overly premature --especially for men. [Forgive that I imply it's less so for one sex over another, but I believe the generalization could be backed up with data.]

My advice is to date "quietly". Your daughter need not hear about such dates until a serious relationship develops. Also, be careful that you, yourself, don't jump into or commit to a relationship prematurely. That can also be common with very negative outcomes. Being desperate to get companionship could make some people vulnerable to being taken advantage of by the wrong types, emotionally and even financially. With his last girlfriend, my dad started abusing alcohol, did shocking things in public, and went through the majority of his savings. She was happy with the gifts and wining and dining, but did little when he was in bipolar crisis.

When my dad started dating, he said some very inappropriate things to my siblings and me. As examples, he talked about a new companion way too much, gave details that children should not learn, invited her to holiday meals too soon after my mom passed (a few years would have been better), and even at one holiday meal he sat pawing at her in front of us and then declare she (the new woman) was the "love of his life". The latter, especially, is a total no-no, even if manic.

From one stranger to another, I'm incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the grief you're still feeling. With that said, my advice would be to absolutely sign up for that dating website. Twenty-odd hours a day in the house can't be good. It feels like living in her mausoleum. Maybe not for her body, but definitely her soul and spirit. Go for it. Find someone. Start the next chapter.

Good luck.

I hope you get the help you need and send a ton of good wishes along your way!

It's normal. Don't take it to your heart, but overlook it. Be ready for some verbal fights with your daughter and forgive her along "the road". Remember she is grieving as well. Things will be better in the future, but please remember that she still needs a father. Be kind and "fatherly" to her when the oportunities are there. Please try your best to not bear grudges toward her.

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Originally Posted by otroo Wow she just flipped out on me for nothing. I guess her and I getting along for the last 7 months was to much for her. I love her but I'm not going to be treated like crap. Oh well it was good while it lasted. Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

She's grieving in her own way and part of that might be the fear that her mother will be "forgotten." You and your daughter can get along again.

My opinion is that the companionship is a very real need.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I did indeed go to Florida to ease my grief. Sister and mom and I have had a wonderful time in perfect weather and fabulous water temps processing. We are headed home tonight. There was a red flag flying and I decided to get in. The first time I did well. The second time I got in trouble. I remained calm and had a plan but remained in trouble. I worked my plan against the rip tide and ended up prone on the sand half way in the surf. I had been pulled two football field lengths from our chairs. Sister came to help me back. I wasn’t scared or panicked but I knew I was in significant trouble. Puts things in perspective. A gentleman we didn’t know came up and gifted us 6 baby sand dollars out of nowhere. I’d like to think it was a parting gift from brother. A sign if you will. It was a good plan to get out of town for awhile. It’s done us a world of good. Back to reality tonight but with a little less grief and more clarity than ever. I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all.

I am so happy to hear that your Florida trip was a success! The sand dollars...do you know, a sand dollar is a symbol of not allowing anyone to undermine your feelings and opinions, and of pursuing your talents. Sure sounds like a strong and clear message from your brother!

Water is powerful, a strong conductor of unconscious energy. I have had some of my most life-changing experiences while submerged in water.

I didn’t sleep last night again so I’ve been up for 24 hours. So frustrated.

Anyway, I’m going to the movie theater with my friend later. We’re going to see Jurassic World: Dominion

My nose piercing is doing nicely, the piercer did a good job. I decided I’m getting my septum pierced in a few weeks too to celebrate 6 months of eating disorder recovery.

The cats are doing well. Maybelle laid in my arms and purred for 30 minutes, she’s so sweet. And Mustachios surgery is on Thursday. Excited about that, she’ll feel a lot better. I have to be up and drop her off by 7:45am, then pick her up at 4pm. My sister is giving me a ride there.

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Today is my husband's family's annual gathering in the park named for his dad. It's always so nice. This year instead of bringing food I spent only $3.50 on a huge flat of water bottles. I froze them and will put them in a Styrofoam cooler to take. There's never any water there, except what I bring for myself, and the temperature will be 102 degrees. I'm sure hoping for a breeze; fortunately, we do meet in the shade. David is picking me up, which I had to agree to because my car is almost on empty and I need at least $14 for 2 gallons of gas
It's nothing about David, but I prefer to drive by myself and listen to loud music on the drive over.

Neither of our kids will be there, though. My daughter is in NYC, but she wouldn't come if I'm there, anyway. And Noah and Kim are attending her best friend's wedding. The friend is getting married is a town on the coast...it will be weirdly warm there today, but still a lot cooler than here!
I hope everyone is having/has had a pleasing Saturday

Let's try this again. I tried posting but it told me I wasn't logged in and poofed away my post!

Today, N 3's girlfriend is having a graduation party. (She got her GED recently.). I'm not sure where it is but I hope I can follow my phone's gps and not miss any turns!

A friend agreed to have coffee with me this morning but the morning's nearly up. I don't want to be late for the party..

EDIT: I'm gonna be late for the party. My friend is picking me up in about 5 minutes.

I hope the party is fun @Moose72

Good news, my car isn't broken! Mechanic (had to go to a different one than my usual) said it was just water from the AC on a hot day. I could've sworn those puddles had a chemical sheen, but whatever. Aggravating bit was him charging $20 to get it on the platform and find out. That would've been whatever, but the mechanic's mood being barely concealed disgust coupled with a perpetual scowl didn't make me inclined to visit his business again. Being annoyed is one thing. Holding your customers in contempt is another. *Deep Breath*

Fun and annoying news in equal measure: I think my cat is trying emotionally manipulate me. I forgot to feed her a can of wet food before I went to bed (like I usually do). I fed her wet food that morning and she still had some dry food in the bowl, so the cat was not starving. I wake up about 5:30am to unmistakable sound of a hairball being upchucked from her sleeping area. I get up and find her waiting at her food bowl with an inquisitive chirp sent my way. No sign of illness. No hairball, even. Just a "Where's breakfast?" look on her face. This is the third time she done it. I don't know whether to be irritated or slightly impressed. Maybe both?

Finally, not really anything to do with anything in my life, but I thought it was fun. I watched a documentary on the octopus. Always found the creatures fascinating, but this documentary deepened that. Did you know that most of an octopus' brainpower is in its tentacles? And that those tentacles can work independently of the "main brain?" How would that work, cognitively? What would actual consciousness look like to one of these guys? On a related note, octopi are great problem solvers. There's plenty of videos about where they solve puzzles and complete tests and actually plan ahead. My favorite involved an octopus tasked with getting lunch out of a baby bottle with one of those rubber nipples on the top. He was able to get some tentacles in, but couldn't get the fish out, no matter how hard he tried. Eventually, in what I can only describe as an act of frustration, he grabs the top of the bottle, rips the rubber nipple off, grabs his lunch and gets out of there! Fascinating.

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Originally Posted by GoGo2 I hope you get the help you need and send a ton of good wishes along your way!

Thanks so much, and thank you for the darling flowers

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Originally Posted by Aurelius710 Good news, my car isn't broken! Mechanic (had to go to a different one than my usual) said it was just water from the AC on a hot day. I could've sworn those puddles had a chemical sheen, but whatever. Aggravating bit was him charging $20 to get it on the platform and find out. That would've been whatever, but the mechanic's mood being barely concealed disgust coupled with a perpetual scowl didn't make me inclined to visit his business again. Being annoyed is one thing. Holding your customers in contempt is another. *Deep Breath* Fun and annoying news in equal measure: I think my cat is trying emotionally manipulate me. I forgot to feed her a can of wet food before I went to bed (like I usually do). I fed her wet food that morning and she still had some dry food in the bowl, so the cat was not starving. I wake up about 5:30am to unmistakable sound of a hairball being upchucked from her sleeping area. I get up and find her waiting at her food bowl with an inquisitive chirp sent my way. No sign of illness. No hairball, even. Just a "Where's breakfast?" look on her face. This is the third time she done it. I don't know whether to be irritated or slightly impressed. Maybe both? Finally, not really anything to do with anything in my life, but I thought it was fun. I watched a documentary on the octopus. Always found the creatures fascinating, but this documentary deepened that. Did you know that most of an octopus' brainpower is in its tentacles? And that those tentacles can work independently of the "main brain?" How would that work, cognitively? What would actual consciousness look like to one of these guys? On a related note, octopi are great problem solvers. There's plenty of videos about where they solve puzzles and complete tests and actually plan ahead. My favorite involved an octopus tasked with getting lunch out of a baby bottle with one of those rubber nipples on the top. He was able to get some tentacles in, but couldn't get the fish out, no matter how hard he tried. Eventually, in what I can only describe as an act of frustration, he grabs the top of the bottle, rips the rubber nipple off, grabs his lunch and gets out of there! Fascinating.

Hurray about your car!!

That is absolutely fascinating, about the octopi

I didn't eat much yesterday. I had a piece of pizza after the procedure and I had a piece of cheese in the afternoon but I skipped dinner and fell asleep at 5:30. I woke up at 9:40 and had another piece of cheese around 11. I thought maybe I was overeacting a bit on the gastro doctor thing. Then for breakfast I ate a couple little European chocolate wafers and a frozen burrito and my stomach pain and nausea came back. So I mean, if I go without eating I'm ok. But thats not possible. I ate some broccoli around 9:30 this morning but I haven't eaten since and my brother in law is picking up Chipotoles for everyone but I turned him down. I'll eat some chicken and fennel later. Regarding yesterday I feel pretty good. Sleeping was tough but the pain went away around 4AM and I haven't taken any tylenol or used any ice today. My geodon 20mil is still not ready and its been 4 days now. Its still not a big deal though, the 20mil was added on in December 2020 when I was struggling real bad and in IOP and it was before my hysterectomy when I was still dealing with PMDD. So its probably not even necessary anymore and why I'm not feeling much without it.

****** does my stomach hurt right now. I've taken tylenol and a full zofran and I still haven't eaten anything since 9:30. I feel like my mom and my sister are talkng about how I'm being lazy and mooching and how I'm not working right now or doing much. I mean its kind of hard when your health is up in the air and you keep getting diagnosed issues and you keep needing procedures and stuff. Its not like I'm choosing to have this stuff happen. My sisters house is a complete disaster and its bordering on hoarding yet no one ever seems to address that issue. I don't know. Maybe shes just crabby because shes pregnant and has a UTI.

I had thoughts all last night of the kids in the Texas school shooting bleeding out while the police knew they were still alive. I can't believe they let that happen.

Edit: I guess everyone is just super concerned about me and whats going on with my health. My sister said bye to me which she never does, and my brother in law said hes been thinking of me. I am looking on the thin side (some of its due to weight redistribtution because of my injections) and I am not eating properly and I think they are noticing. I didn't eat anything the 4.5 hours they were here. Hopefully I get some answers at my gastro appointment on Monday about my stomach issues and I get the results of the thyroid biopsy by the end of next week or so.

So good to hear, Jennifer! I am happy for you that it was not only getting away, but "getting" wonderful weather as well.

Praying for you and your family!

Hi friends! It is because this forum exists that I am able to cling to life. I am tired and exhausted.

I didn't feel well this morning, but was able to get out after some hours. My tickets are printed out at the library and I have bought some new cloths. I'll buy a couple of trousers on Monday and so I'm done.

I visited a church when all was done because I will not have the chance to visit one tomorrow. I am invited to a birthday party. Even if I feel tired, I look forward to the party.

Best wishes to all!

I went to the graduation party. It was outside but it didn't dawn on me until quite a ways in that I could catch covid! Stupid me. N3 was there and didn't seem to be worried about that. N3's gf made out though. Every card she got had at least $40 in it and some had more- even $100! I wonder how much she got total- at least $500 or $600. EDIT: N 3 said she got $800! That's good for opening a handful or two of cards.

We decided to stay one more night to see one last sunset and headed home today. We made good time until we hit Atlanta. It was a barrel of laughs with all due respect to those that live there. I’m so exhausted right now from no sleep last night that I’m ready to go to bed for the night. Tomorrow I float!

We got home and all the flowers are still so beautiful from the service.

I have about 30 things listed to do to wrap up brother’s estate. These are initial…get the ball rolling things. Going to go at a pace that allows me plenty of time for rest, enjoyment of life and processing my grief.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful day. Hugs to all!