Bipolar check-in # 66

Yeah, Beth, give it some time to see if you adjust before making any judgements.

It is 12:34am (I usually go to bed at 9) and I am in a really dark place. I want to torch all my calculus and astronomy books because I'm too stupid to understand them and torch all my hiking/skiing guides because it feels like this (physical) pain will never end and I will never heal. I'll rip up my bible and use it to stable tables. Then it'll be useful.

I just want to rip my skin open and break all my bones and rip my muscles apart.

It’s not so bad. I had my gallbladder removed years ago. It was only functioning at 26%. I didn’t have the best diet when I was younger and add that to a diseased gallbladder?? I had the worst b
Nausea s d sickness after I ate. I never even got stones.

I never ate more then fennel at 6AM and then peanuts at 2PM yesterday. My stomach hurt so badly. By the time I felt like I could eat cereal I was too tired. So I just fell asleep. I woke up still in pain at midnight but I've eaten the cereal since and I feel sort of ok now.

My therapist is super insistent about me meeting with her supervisor who specializes in EDs and nutrtiton. I know my T said she wouldnt switch me to someone else. I just don't want her and this person to decide to "backdoor" me or "throw me under the bus" as they say in the shows I watch and decide to switch me to someone else. I'm not sure why my T all of a sudden thinks theres an issue. I don't think much has changed. The only thing I can think of is that I'm not wearing big hoodies right now so she can actually see what I look like now when I have a T shirt on. I don't know though. My mom says to maybe see how the gallbladder test goes first before agreeing to the meeting.

Hi, am checking in from my vacation. It is lovely here in Turkey (Turkiet). I have a wonderful view from my balcony which is chilly at the afternoon. Love that! We are very lucky that the European heat has not hit us so hard here. Spain and France have the worst heat with past 40 C (104 F). Here we have had around 27 C (80.6 F). Yesterday was the hottest so far with 32 C (89,6 F). I had booked a trip to see some ratings yesterday. So we went around in the heat. We visited a lot of places and ended the day with a boat trip. I enjoyed the trip, but I felt complete exhausted when I was back at my hotel. I laid down at my bed with pain all over, a headache and you name it. I was able to reach the restaurant for dinner, only ordered soup and bread. After that I took two Paracetomol together with my ordinary meds. I went to bed and slept for 10 hours. Feel better today. I will relax at the hotel this day, may be take a swim at the hotel's svimming pool in the afternoon. Hope to make the most out of the days that are left, just enjoy life.

Send good wishes and hugs to all of all of you!

Well, it's starting. Day 2 on no colestipol and my stomach is keel over hurting from all the bile going through. Took some Advil, but its not working completely. Couple that with frequent trips to the porcelain throne, it's going to be quite the day. Luckily, I don't have anywhere to be and an excuse to not go anywhere. I'm out of gas. I'm not sure if I can even make it to the gas station.

Means I don't have to deal with the family spy (AKA my cousin). My dad (without informing me) paid the busybody for a month of lawn care, and couldn't comprehend my lack of desire to have him over (of course he doesn't). Would be annoying, but ultimately bearable if he could come over, do his thing, leave and I could vacate in the meanwhile. However, I'm expected to be his ride. They want me to ferry a senior Harriet the Spy to my house, sit with him as he pontificates on too high grass or other yard features that bore me to tears, bear the brunt of his childish tantrums if he's not validated and coddled, and take him for cigarettes before returning home to tell on me to my dad. About what, I don't know.

I have enough GI trouble as it is to add stress to the mix. If I can avoid him, I will. I might ask the neighbor if I could borrow his mower for a couple hours. Up to him obviously, but fingers crossed!

I’m feeling much better today mentally and physically. Yesterday was tough. Mom and I were both grieving and I was getting over my respiratory illness. I should have tested for COVID but I didn’t want to know. I treated the symptoms and I was happy to be on a strong antibiotic already just in case. Today will be the first time I’ve felt like and am going to the pool in several days. It feels good to be getting back on my feet again. The pool water temp is fabulous I’m told.

Today I will buy those flowers, get the dog some tags and eat at the Cracker Barrel. I’m starting my day on the screened in porch with some spearmint, lemongrass, green tea. Lovely. I do have a rather long to do list now but I’ll pace myself.

My women’s bible study starts back with a reset and renovate theme starting in July. That will be my first foray back into socialization. We’ll see how that goes. Sister and I are taking mom and sister’s MIL to see Downton Abbey Monday but I don’t count that. I’m very relaxed about that.

I guess as @*Beth* says….it comes in waves. I’m happy for the reprieve today.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

It's called "The Kominsky Method".

I'm out of bed today. I made it to Sonic to get a couple sodas. I still can't really eat though. I ate a cup of Lucky Charms without any milk but I haven't really eaten since Thursday night. If I just don't eat though I'm ok. I'm not lightheaded. Just kinda anxious. Today I just have to throw myself into Top Model or into my book or something to get out of this slump. My mom went to Walmart to get a few things and my nephew has his little leauge game and I didn't want to go to anything and I think I'm just depressed for some reason or something. My 100 pound heavier 2.5.year older brother went to the doctor yesterday for a checkup and got a great report and I know we have established this many times so we don't need to discuss it anymore, but I still find it a bit unfair.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots It is 12:34am (I usually go to bed at 9) and I am in a really dark place. I want to torch all my calculus and astronomy books because I'm too stupid to understand them and torch all my hiking/skiing guides because it feels like this (physical) pain will never end and I will never heal. I'll rip up my bible and use it to stable tables. Then it'll be useful. I just want to rip my skin open and break all my bones and rip my muscles apart.

Did you get any sleep? How're you doing today?

I was feeling agitated all day yesterday, and having negative sui thoughts. Agitation kept getting worse, I felt like literally punching holes in my wall, I couldn't focus on anything and I just felt horrible. So I ended up taking a klonopin last night. I try to avoid taking it as much as possible and only use it when things are extremely bad. And last night was one of those times. It seemed to help thankfully and I was able to get to sleep.

Anyway, I seem to be feeling okay today so far. Mustachio is doing well, I gave the kitties their breakfast this morning then gave Stash (my nickname for Mustachio) her dose of pain medication. She has one more dose to take tomorrow morning then she's finished with the pain meds. She's definitely back to her regular self, she's purring, cuddly, playful, etc. She still has some time to heal and recover fully though. Maybelle is doing well, she's a happy cat.

I went grocery shopping today. Got some cannolis! One of my favorite desserts! Woke up at 4:30am and couldn't get back to sleep. Getting kind of tired now. Almost fell asleep on the bus ride to the grocery store. I need to get on the treadmill though so I'm not sure what I'm gonna do yet. I honestly don't feel up to it.

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Nope, no pizza here. I was just celebrating pizza and no cooking for Christina. I made sandwiches for tonight even though it’s not that hot yet. We each had half a chicken salad, tomato, lettuce, spicy spice mix on rye sandwich with a small portion of potato salad and a dipped macaroon cookie. I again made all my classes today. Aqua fitness class has gotten easier to sign up for. They went back to 25 persons and a lot of people are gone so I got in all three days this week and next week. The regular fitness class has no limit as it’s not as popular. I think they could have aqua fitness twice a day all five days and it would be full! I’m feeling the stretches tonight. As usual making the classes do boost my mood. Thanks to my car woes I can’t make it to my daughter’s and granddaughter’s birthday ( yeah, they have the same birthday &#127874 party. So they are coming here on their actual birthday and I’m taking them to pizza ranch. I’ve never been there before but apparently it’s my granddaughter’s favorite. Coconut chocolate dipped macaroons to everybody!! Calorie free!!!!

Yay to aqua fitness! You're amazing!

I love macaroons and macarons

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I was feeling agitated all day yesterday, and having negative sui thoughts. Agitation kept getting worse, I felt like literally punching holes in my wall, I couldn't focus on anything and I just felt horrible. So I ended up taking a klonopin last night. I try to avoid taking it as much as possible and only use it when things are extremely bad. And last night was one of those times. It seemed to help thankfully and I was able to get to sleep. Anyway, I seem to be feeling okay today so far. Mustachio is doing well, I gave the kitties their breakfast this morning then gave Stash (my nickname for Mustachio) her dose of pain medication. She has one more dose to take tomorrow morning then she's finished with the pain meds. She's definitely back to her regular self, she's purring, cuddly, playful, etc. She still has some time to heal and recover fully though. Maybelle is doing well, she's a happy cat. I went grocery shopping today. Got some cannolis! One of my favorite desserts! Woke up at 4:30am and couldn't get back to sleep. Getting kind of tired now. Almost fell asleep on the bus ride to the grocery store. I need to get on the treadmill though so I'm not sure what I'm gonna do yet. I honestly don't feel up to it. Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend

I'm so glad the kitties are doing well.

Ohhh, cannoli

How are you today?

I'm pretty good, just really tired. Probably gonna chill out and watch some Netflix. I've been watching a few different shows. Pokémon Journeys, Supernatural, and Bridgerton

How are you?

Glad you are feeling better today @Blue Bird. I really like Bridgerton.

Thank you Rainbow, Nammu, and Boots for the med encouragement.

I didn't take it last night annnd it took me about 90 minutes to fall asleep. I laid there absolutely relentlessly obsessing about therapy. It would not stop and I felt like screaming. *sigh*

The biggest thing that upsets me about the Caplyta is that I cannot safely skate when I feel off balance like that. Just walking is tough. Med dude's first choice was to continue 25mg of Seroquel at bedtime. It does help me sleep pretty well, but I am sleepy the next day, although not dizzy/off balance. But I wanted to give the Caplyta a try. Nammu, you're correct...I am going through a lot and so wish I could calm my mind.

Thanks to your encouragement I'll take Caplyta tonight and see how it goes. I have a lot to do today, but tomorrow should be less busy.

Wow 🤩, I slept great last night. 7-8 hours!

Sadly I can’t recall my dreams too well. Something about stealing money from the bad guys, and then losing it so got the bad guy to get money from the FBI and split that. Took place on planes and huge libraries and malls. Was entertaining and fun. More like a movie than a dream 😴

I got about 2-3 hours of sleep. SH'd this morning. I'm beyond agitated. Took my Klonopin (but the prescribed amount) so hopefully that'll kick in soon

@GoGo2, I wish I was with you, but instead I'm in the heat hell of France. Where I am it did indeed reach those high temps you mentioned. In fact, it became so unbearable (and maybe dangerous) that we quit the gîte we were in, losing money, and moved to an airconditioned aparthotel. We haven't ventured out since checking in.

I'll admit the new city we visited is far more charming than the others we saw. However, it's becoming clear (to me) that maybe France is beyond our reach, financially. I think Czech Republic would be the better bet, but Hubby has this resistence to it. Also, Hubby aims way too high, in general. I'm far more of a realist. I can also be happy living simply. He sees that as failure.

Oddly, unlike in Paris, and of course many other European countries, people where I am in France seem to speak little English, comparitively. Hubby and I have needed to pull from our long-term memories and speak some French. Of course exceptions are at hotels, but the gîte owner where we just left spoke zero English. The gîte owner for the one we had to cancel for next week was British, but she understood the cancelation, as there was no AC and the temps there will be God awful.

Heat issues are real concerns for people on antipsychotics. I have to be careful! My s-i-l just got back from a vacation in Scotland where she had to wear a jacket most of the time. Wish that was our issue.

Soupe, I think Czech sounds like a wonderful country plus you’ve got family around. That’s always nice. Interesting aside I’m Czech on my fathers side. I forget how much according to ancestry. In order of most to least, I’m German, Norwegian, English, Russian, Czech Irish but the countries I’d most like to live in are Germany, wales, Scotland and England. It will never happen though. I do get to live that though you and your husband, pulling up stakes and moving countries. I hope your husband does see how his home country is a good choice.

@*Beth*, I hope you will give the new med a fair shot. Perhaps the balance issue will ease as you adjust to it. I think most meds need at least three weeks before a firm judgement should be made. I've experienced some that took months for side effects to subside. Sometimes I learned it was worth the wait in the end. Patience does suck most of the time, though. Dang, have I had to learn it in my life!

Yeah, about meds. I tout latuda as my miracle drug but that first month was rocky. I ended up taking it at bedtime so I could sleep though the side effects. I’m very glad I stuck with it because I’ve had years of stability since then. Once I’m off the ambien I’ll only be on two psych meds. Propranolol and latuda.

Your points are definitely true. Also, my s-i-l so wants my husband and I to stay in CZ. I wish the language was easier for me to learn, though. If we ever want to buy a place in CZ vs France, it would be easier having Hubby a fluent Czech speaker, not to mention the family support. Plus, cost of living is lower in CZ. As financial stuff may change, I see that as so important. I think I'm getting past "the dream" and settling into realism. It took the trip to help weigh these out. But I don't think Hubby is quite where I am yet.

You have a cool varied ancestry, Nammu. Speckled from all over Europe. To my knowledge of my family trees, I'm pretty much around 84% English/Scottish background mix, with about 15% Irish. That's even what my sister's AncestryDNA test indicated, with only vague mentions of continental Germanic (which is what a lot of English have anyway) and 0.1% Finnish. Who knows about the latter! The family tree is especially well-established on my mom's side, and only slightly less so on my dad's. My most recent immigrant relative was my mother's maternal grandfather's paternal grandfather (her great great great grandfather) from Dublin. Some of the rest came in the early 1700s, with some before. Most all first living or later settling in the Delaware River Valley (NJ/PA). So, it's hard for me to feel like anything more than an American of colonial settler background and specifically a central Delaware Valleyan.

I'm totally clueless at the moment as to what will help me feel better. It doesn't feel 100% physical. But it doesnt feel 100% mental health either. Basically my sleep and eating are just both really really ****ed up and I don't know why. I've been up since midnight and I've eaten a bit so .aybe I just need a nap.

I just layed down for a few minutes. It did help my anxiety although theres still no desire to eat or even drink anything other then water. If I don't want a soda thats not really good. Maybe it is just some weird anxiety I've never had before. But the idea of Mountain Dew is turning my stomach a bit.

Like I'm just so scared I'm going to be in a lot of pain if I eat

My immigrant history is much more recent, mid 1800’s for dads side and early 1900’s for mum’s side. My mum’s mum and dad were both born in Germany. My uncle went to Germany in the 90’s and met our relatives. My grandparents knew German but didn’t speak it at all. My oldest uncle knew German though, but he learned it in the army. He was in intelligence.