Bipolar check-in # 66

I'm somewhere between anxious and (very) relieved because I'm seeing Dr. B. tomorrow. I have a fear that I'll get a call that he's out and I have to cancel. That's what happens when you have a T who is frequently out and needs to cancel a few hours before your appointment...therapy cancellation PTSD

I'm going to tell Dr. B. about the major issues I'm having with Mary's frequent and prolonged absences and get his read on the situation. Ideally, I would like to see her once/week (when she's there) and see him once/week (regularly). But I don't think therapists want clients to see 2 T's at once, do they?

Jennifer, if you can possibly just drop a line, please do. We are all worrying about you.

I have to zoom my therapist tomorrow I don't like that but we still have our nephew and no car seat to take him. There's the bus or cab (Uber/Lyft) but I'm me and don't trust they're safe. So I'll zoom.

@Jennifer 1967, I'm so sorry to read this. I can only imagine how painful this is for your mom, you, and the rest of your family. Wishing you all strength during the stressful chores in the near future and the grieving process. I know you've been unwell lately so need extra.

I think that I might be in a mixed episode or experiencing atypical mania.
I’m sleeping fine for the most part. Well, it is 3:30AM & I feel like a god and kind of just better than everybody around me but that last part ain’t mania, honey child.

I have heard about people lose sensations down there I could not imagine not feeling pleasure ever again.

Sent from my SM-T733 using Tapatalk

Perphaps a bit TMI, but since the subject is brought up anywyays, most of the time I can not feel sensation and it does frustrate me, but being in the assexual category, it is not really an issue but more of an annoyance.

Good morning. I really appreciate your support and concern. It has been such a comfort to me. Thank you. My daughter is asleep beside me and has not left my side since we found him. She will need to go home today and that will be the true test for me. She’ll come back for the funeral. My sister was going to Florida next week so for now my plan is to get through the funeral this week and then let sister stay with mom next week while I go inpatient. I am calling my med provider for additional support in the mean time. I’m too shocked and numb right now to think of self harm but I’ll go inpatient pronto should that idea start circulating. Thanks again.

It is not even 8 and already my day has not gone great. I woke up early at 11:30 and I only got back to sleep for an hour. My anxiety is really rough. I went to put my last case of hard to find caffeine free Coke in the fridge and the case is covered in some kind of mold. I don't know if I'm more upset by the fact that I can only get caffeine free Coke out of state or alarmed that theres mold in my garage. I guess I'm just anticipating bad news today from my doctors. I'm also not looking forward to my at home visit from my insurance company. I don't know. Maybe everything will be fine. My Hollister order is out for delivery so I'm hoping the stuff fits. I went up a size in jeans just to be safe and then I ordered my normal size in the shirts.

I am so sorry to hear this, Jennifer! I know you loved him much and cared much for him!

No, I don't think so. Usually one has to choose. I wouldn't have told him that your wish is to continue to see another. Perhaps it is wise to tell him in a few sentences about that you need a new T because the one you have is sick very often. Be prepared to meet his questions. What ever they are. Remember that he does not know you and have to ask the way he usually asks new patients. I would have thought about "what is my worst problems. What do I need help with?, if I were you. Be prepared.

Good Luck!

I’m so sorry for your loss Jennifer

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Take good care of yourself, Jennifer!

The hike was good! Good company and good weather! For now I'm sitting here resting. Later on I will make dinner.

Best wishes to all!

Yesterday was an ok day. We went to the Memorial Day parade but it was much shorter than in years past so it was kind of lame, especially because we had to put up with CR’s whining about being bored. I told him to walk the half mile back to the car and stay there (knowing he wouldn’t) and he stopped grumbling. I can’t stand the whining, he’s eleven!!! Stop it! Totally my fault, but I’m working on changing it. Better late than never I guess.

We started helping my mom clean out her garage. And by we, I mean RS and I because…wait for it…my brother didn’t show! He texted me around 8:30 and said they were sick with fevers. YEAH RIGHT, sick with hangovers is more probable. But I’m done being mad about it. I gave them the benefit of the doubt and they dropped out, so I’m just not going to ask for anything from them anymore. If they choose not to be involved that’s fine. It’ll just take longer for us to get her fully moved. My mom did very well with getting rid of things. She basically kept nothing. We kept all the gardening stuff for ourselves, and some stuff was salvageable for donations. I found a bunch of stuff that had been on display in my and my ex’s apartment and I gave most of it away. Souvenir whine glasses and shot glasses, mostly. We don’t drink and they don’t hold good memories so bye bye.

There were a couple things that my mom said that my brother had said he wanted but I said sucks for him, he should have been here. So I’m not saving anything in the hopes he’ll come get it. I’m not even going to tell him what it was because he probably forgot about it anyway.

We did find a really cool antique of my dad’s that I am absolutely keeping because I love antiques. It’s a milk bottle holder from who knows when. RS had the idea of turning it into a floating shelf somehow. It matches the rustic farmhouse decor I’ve set up in our house, so it’s perfect!

I walked a lot the last couple days. My goal is take a 1mile walk every day. Today that’s not going to happen, I just woke up at 8:30 and it’s already 80 degrees. It’s going to be 94. No way. But the rest of the week is supposed to be upper 70s/low 80s so I’ll be able to go in the AM after my back and knee loosen up. I might see if I can get a home treadmill some day for extra hot or extra cold days. I was going to get a recumbent bike but if my knee is bothering me that day it’ll be too painful. I have to prove my commitment to walking first though.

I’m feeling pretty down today, hopefully that will improve even though I’m stuck in the house. It’s too hot do even drive anywhere honestly.

I used to have to take 10mg of haloperidol for it to work… maybe you need a higher dose? But then I did need cogentin as well for the side effects so maybe not so good.

Also I remember reading when I was about to go back on it at one stage (didn’t end up doing it) that it can also cause insomnia - so I guess it doesn’t always help with sleep.

Sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry for your loss Jennifer. Take it easy on yourself. I think your plan is a good one, don't feel afraid to go IP earlier though.

Mild depression has lifted but paranoia is creeping in... been taking thorazine to help every day lately.

Took mum to the cemetery yesterday and stopped for burgers and ice cream. Was very very hot & breezy finally the storms passed though and we have a nice day today. Nothing on the agenda but returning mum’s shirt to the fed ex drop off.

I’m antsy and easily irritated. My sleep is less hours and very light. Sunday I start 10mg. Ambien. I have had a couple good dreams but over all the quality of my sleep is suffering. I tried the extra latuda, nothing.. One night I tried the extra olizapine (sp) and nothing. Both of them had the same effect as a brown M&M . 😂 too agitated to paint or read. I’m way behind in my library books. One is due tomorrow but I’m just now half way though it.

WOW, hope you keep up with your good intentions. I try to take a walk every morning. It is good for the physical "spirit" that cooperates with emotional feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 Good morning. I really appreciate your support and concern. It has been such a comfort to me. Thank you. My daughter is asleep beside me and has not left my side since we found him. She will need to go home today and that will be the true test for me. She’ll come back for the funeral. My sister was going to Florida next week so for now my plan is to get through the funeral this week and then let sister stay with mom next week while I go inpatient. I am calling my med provider for additional support in the mean time. I’m too shocked and numb right now to think of self harm but I’ll go inpatient pronto should that idea start circulating. Thanks again.

Thank you for checking in. I've been seriously concerned about you. I know you're smart about this, so forgive me for saying it anyway. Please reach out to whoever you can...us, of course, but med stuff, definitely IP if needed, anyone safe. I'm sending love to you, Jennifer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 ....... And by we, I mean RS and I because…wait for it…my brother didn’t show! ...

I don't even have words.......

Going to get my nose pierced on Friday, super excited!

Have kept up with the working out and eating healthy, going to continue it

Right now I'm just listening to some music. I have an in-person appointment with my therapist on Thursday. First in-person appointment with her in over a year, we've been doing video appointments due to covid but she needs me to sign some paperwork so I need to come into the clinic that day so I can sign them during our appointment.

Picked up my meds at CVS. Bought some cat litter. Was nice to get out a bit

Practiced ukulele for 30 minutes earlier today

Hope everyone is doing okay and to everyone who isn't

Do you think it's possible that I'm having the non-sleep mania symptom while meds are controlling other mania symptoms? Or am I fooling myself? I can't tell what's-what at this point. By that, I mean I can't tell what is due to Mary's sudden and prolonged absence and what is leftover from that monster med provider woman, and what is stress-related/mania. I know I feel weird, "noisy" mind, music, sped up. But not...ugh, I don't know what I am or I'm not.

Managed 2 1/2 hours of horrible sleep. Either the Haldol dose is too low or (as unlived pointed out) it's actually causing me insomnia. I guess the only option left is to do the 25mg Seroquel. Uggggh. I am shaking all over, like a sort-of shivering, but not cold. I feel like I'm collapsing. I'm either tired, or I'm not tired. I can't tell anymore.

My blood labs were so improved, not being on Seroquel. Makes me very sad to go back on it, yet I'm genuinely concerned about this lack of sleep.

The temperature is just lovely, but this dry wind has been going on for nearly 2 weeks. It sounds pretty and rustly, but my hair is getting longer and it gets all messed up from the wind. Static. Annoying.

GoGo, Dr. B. is Mary's effing colleague, he knows me well. Actually, sometimes people do see two T's at the same time. Apparently it's a "thing' now. I'm not into withholding information or lying to anyone, that's not my trip. So thanks, but I'm not sure I fully comprehend.

I bought tie-dyed blue organic cotton pants with 30" bells and 32" long to wear with my platforms. Oh, such fun

Maybe Mary is dead & they're just not telling me? Or perhaps this is an alternate universe? I have no doubt that she cares about me and feels close to me. She's one of those follow-the-rules people and she's "not supposed to" contact clients. Still, it seems like an email wouldn't be outrageous, given the situation.

Anyway, I'll see Dr. B. this afternoon. I wish I was better able to remember what he looks like. He's really tall. My father (my real one, not the Destroyer) was 6'3" and was a pitcher for the NY Yankees. But that was long before I was born.

A daisy for each of you- a whole armload for Jennifer

Hope you get to feeling better.

Sent from my SM-T733 using Tapatalk