Bipolar check-in #67

There are a few wildfires now, although we do not have smoke or ash here. A Chinook helicopter flew low over town, so loud the windows shook. It was headed to one of the fires. David traveled in Chinooks in Vietnam, he said they're enormous and can carry a tremendous amount of equipment, even several tanks.

Speaking of loud noise, jerkos started the 4th of July early this year and have been setting off illegal fireworks since last week. The poor animals, my cats included, get so frightened from the booming noises. BUT! Enough people have complained and the cops are finally cracking down. Last night 2 guys were caught setting off illegal fireworks and each were fined $1,000. Way to go! It's all ridiculous, anyway...wildfires and fireworks. Now that makes sense

A gloriously beautiful evening, all windows opened. I wish my mood was better, I feel so tired and rather depressed. 3 day week-ends are usually a challenge for me.

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Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 I see my first client tomorrow!

Oh, wow! Let us know how it goes!

Rainbow, I'm so glad today has been easier, overall. Enjoy cuddling up.

I'm sorry about the wildfires And I also hope you feel better

I'm also sick of the fireworks, they set them off all the time here in the summer, it's not legal but people do it anyway. They also set off some extremely loud things too that almost sound like explosions. It stresses me out and it scares my cats as well

So today I'm making my final payment towards what I owe my college so I can go back to school in the fall semester. I haven't been in college in a few years. Just had to take time off because I wasn't doing well mentally. It took me over a year to pay off what I owe but I've finally finished!

I signed up to volunteer at a local place that serves free meals to the community. So I'll be there doing kitchen prep for lunch on July 18th. They have a community dining center and serve 3 meals a day to anyone who wants or needs to eat. They also do a lot of other stuff for the community. I'm looking forward to it, a little nervous but excited to. I'm gonna try to start signing up for 2-3 shifts a month and see how I do with that. I want to get more experience for when I start part-time working somewhere (hopefully the library, still waiting to hear back about that, maybe I'll call and check on the status of my application next week after the holiday)

My apartment building had a cookout/potluck thing yesterday for an early 4th of July celebration, it was nice and the food was good

I'm very excited about the changes coming in my life and pushing myself out of my comfort zone

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend

Apparently my husband does have bronchitis. His doctor prescribed an antibiotic. I'm on day 2 of taking the extra Seroquel I was prescribed. I feel I'm sleeping well, but do still wake up in the middle of the night and then get up early, so it's certainly not extra sedating at this point. I would think it would be. I will say I've nevertheless had motivation issues.

@Blue_Bird, congrats on making that last payment and having a plan to continue your studies! That's great! That's also wonderful that you'll be helping with volunteer food prep. That would be something I'd enjoy doing.

@HALLIEBETH87, that's so cool that you have your first client! Please let us know how it went. My nephew in Prague is a psychologist and has clients. His have mostly been college age. Is yours adult or younger?

Thank you! I hope your motivation improves Soup du jour and hope your husband feels better/recovers soon from his bronchitis

What fantastic news. Congratulations on your volunteer job, 2-3 shifts is a doable goal. Greats news about being able to continue with school now!

Soup sorry your hubby has bronchitis. I know you have to keep looking for housing but can you take a few days off so he can rest up?

Thanks, Nammu! I think we will, but not fully. We have no house visits tomorrow, mostly because it's the weekend. Czechs don't generally work on them. Not even salespeople. However, we likely will go to the garden center to get flowers. We won't go overboard, though. Perhaps I'll be doing most of the planting.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I'm sorry about the wildfires And I also hope you feel better I'm also sick of the fireworks, they set them off all the time here in the summer, it's not legal but people do it anyway. They also set off some extremely loud things too that almost sound like explosions. It stresses me out and it scares my cats as well

Thank you, Birdie

The "explosion" sounding ones are usually homemade fireworks (i.e., bottle rockets, etc.). They are dangerous because they can start fires. It's sad, because the 4th used to be a fun mid-summer holiday, but now it's all about terrified pets and upset people.

A HUGE congratulations on your new endeavors! How exciting

I used to like the forth. It was a fun day that started with parades. My cousins and I would wear our 6 shooters with fresh rolls of caps to the parade and shoot them in the air. Must have bothered the horses in the parade but they were well trained. Then we’d have a picnic lunch at home with aunts, uncles and cousins. Then after dark we’d go to the fireworks. But now there’s no parade here. The one in the other towns have no horses and I don’t think kids are allowed to have cap guns. They moved the fireworks downtown where theirs no parking. I don’t know it seems the forth changed in the 80’s to just an excuse for adults to act out and get drunk. I don’t go near the crowds anymore. I don’t trust others to be sober so I don’t want to be on the road. I just stay home and yell at kids to “get off the lawn”

I'm just super bummed about my stomach issues. Its really affecting my quality of life. I didnt eat dinner last night. I had a pack of cashews this morning. Then I had a Coke whicu I did fine with since soda is ok on my stomach. Then I got a Coke float from Sonic. The Coke part was ok. I ate some of the ice cream but it started getting to me. I had another Coke and I'm trying to eat another package of nuts. My sisters doctors appointment went ok. It wasn't too bad. They are giving her some medicine so she can hopefully pass the stone without surgery. So its good that its not serious enough that she needs surgery ASAP. But my brother in law was super hangry so they all went out to eat and I really wanted to go especially to the place they were going to but I just knew I couldn't do it physically. After my mom is done she is going to the grocery store to pick me up some of my safe on my stomach foods. But I just don't know what to do about this. I got my valium picked up though. I had 2 left. My mom didn't tell me how worried she was that the pharamacy would be closed today and I'd be out of it. This is the only pharmacy that will fill it because its a controlled substance. So if the pharamacy was closed, I'd be out of luck for who knows how long. Luckily she didn't tell me she was freaking out so I wasn't freaking out myself. But it worked out. Now I just have to figure out what to eat so I don't pass out or be in a massive amount of pain. I already have a headache from lack of food.

Short one today.
My father came by this morning to drop off some stuff and moan about how downtrodden and put upon he is by... everyone. Typical for him, so I let him rant. Dad apparently noticed, so he turned his venom to me, saying I was making my mother lonely by not cleaning my house. My house is as clean as any other, but he always finds something. My mother and I have had to talk him down from calling the exterminator before over some gnats. By some, I mean three. I could scrub my house until it shines, but it would somehow be insufficient. If he really wants that level of scrubbing, I told him what I needed. He didn't listen.

Only real errand of the day is going to get a phone card. Service ends of the 7th, but with the holiday, I might as well.

I don’t remember whether I posted yesterday or not but what I didn’t say was that I was having a terrible time with SI and I was ashamed of it. It was incredibly strong and I kept thinking that I couldn’t do that to my family so soon after. I did contact a crisis line.

Today is the complete opposite. I feel great! I’ve been down to float and bought begonias, had my healthy smoothie, walked in the park, visited with neighbors and done some housework. We’re going out later for errands and to eat (bourbon glazed salmon, steamed broccoli and baby carrots. Yum!).

Usually for the fourth…we attend a pool party cookout and go and listen to the Symphony at night with a huge fireworks display to finish up. It’s fantastic. I’m not sure mom is up to the Symphony this year. I’m not real sure I want to be around large crowds either. The last two events we’ve had recently have ended in mass shootings. What a shame! Gun violence is getting out of hand everywhere it seems. We will attend the cookout for sure.

I’m going to make the most of my good day. I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Jennifer I’m glad today is a better day. Sounds pretty wonderful. May you have more just like it.

I don't want to tell my mom I'm concerned about having a medical emergency when she's gone. I don't want her to be concerned. Something isn't right with my stomach though and I don't want to collapse while she's gone from not eating much. She picked up a lot of fruits and vegetables and some soup and applesauce and some muffins and cookies. So I should be ok. I just don't want to worry her. I'm also almost out of my zofran but I have 2 left and I take one a day so that should get me until she gets back anyways. She suggested I come and stay at the hotel and not worry about the BBQ but I told her I couldn't even manage the car ride. I wonder if shes concerned I'll have an issue too. I have to figure out this stomach thing though this doesn't seem very normal and its not passing on its own like it would if it was just a bug.

I keep smelling something burnt and I feel super strange I almost want to go to the ER.

I ate a plate of london broil. It kinda helped me not be so freaked out. But it didn't make me feel better. I do now have 2 extra valium so that will be my next step. I'm still smelling that burnt stuff

So I'm so mad. Miguel's degree came in and it just says "Bachelors of science in applied science" no concentration, no minor. He can't get a job with that! He now needs to go after a masters he doesn't want to at least until he's stable but I don't see how he will get a job. This sucks. I'm trying to find a new place to live and H paid the bills the wrong way so now I don't have enough money to pay Miguel's bills.

I'm so stressed I just want to cry and give up. Why can't I just ****en be normal?

What his degree says isn't that important. Nobody will ask to see it. He puts the details on his resume. Under education he'll put "BS in applied science with concentration in ___, minor in blank" or something like that (I didn't have a minor so I'm not positive where that goes but it does go on there in the education section). I have 2 bachelors degrees and only one is on my diploma but both are on my (now useless) resume. I was stressed at the time because my degree is for my biology degree which has much less to do with my career field than my psychology degree. But it all worked out.


I'm sorry money is so tight. It's hard to relax when there are money problems.

I am much better today. I’m about a week off of nicotine so the initial withdrawal has calmed. And honestly I just got sick of being so upset.

Yesterday right before I went to work my SIL texted me threatening sui again. Since I was already upset it upset me more, not out of fear she’ll do it (I know she won’t, she’s very Christian and afraid of going to hell) but out of pure desperation of not wanting to deal with it anymore. I said she should go to the ER and she refused. I didn’t want to involve police because they can’t be trusted for mental health concerns. So I just said I’m going to work and I’ll check in tomorrow.

She checked in today with a long lament about how she’s defective, she’s a terrible person, etc. again, it is not that I don’t care, it is not that I don’t understand, it’s just that I am not a qualified therapist and I am unable to take on her trauma while handling my own. So I gently told her that I was so sorry she was feeling so bad and she needs a therapist, so please put her name on the waiting lists. When she inevitably comes to me again I will have to repeat my boundary, that she needs to speak to a professional.

Anyway I got good news that the manager gave me off on Sunday. I was supposed to work sun-tues but she wants to even out the hours and distribute them among the team so she said choose Sunday or Monday to take off. I chose Sunday bc Monday will be time and a half so now we’re going to have a little picnic at my grandma’s house on Sunday. Should be fun!

Dad Update

Things are going in the right direction. Dad is being nice to my sister, R, and he's even said how appreciative he is for everything R has and is doing for him.

Turns out Dad can afford a a certain nice assisted living facility and they have them all over the country. The plan is for Dad to work hard in rehab for 2 or 3 weeks. Then move him to California a short drive from where my sister and family live. So by August he should be settled in his new home! His condo will need sold but he can afford this place without touching his savings for a while. And they're not sure what level of care he will need yet- the price gets very expensive if you need round the clock care, of course. He has no clothes at this point as someone- maybe his ex girlfriend who has been a lot of help to my sister- got rid of all his clothes. The condo is back in order and ready to be sold. So by August he should be all moved in in California. It's just a LOT for my sister to do. His direct deposits will need moved as there isn't a branch of his bank in California.

R said she feels like she doesn't know what she's doing and is a little overwhelmed. She likened it to when she had her twins- her first pregnancy. There's just so much to do and you're learning as you go.

All of this is positive! My dad said he will try his best in rehab. I think living near my sister and family will really help. Plus he gets 3 squares a day that he can choose what he wants every day from a menu. R can visit him several times a week. A doctor said that with the shape my dad's lungs are in he gives him another 5 years but he also said that he could rally and live another 20! I hope this is the beginning of many more years for my dad that are HAPPY ones!

Tomorrow we go to my cousin's annual 4th of July picnic/gathering. He has such a nice place- all decked out in 1950's style. He has a nice yard for gathering outside and tomorrow is supposed to be 80 to 85 and partly sunny so I may go inside but really everybody stays outside. I hope nobody has covid like the last family gathering. My LEEP procedure is a week from Monday and I'd hate to have to reschedule! It should be a good time if I don't catch covid! I just got my second booster on Monday but it likely won't be "turned on" by Saturday. Doesn't it take a few weeks?

I had another better day. I decided to not have my car repaired at the place I went yesterday because the one part he told me the price of another place had priced $100 less (and I need 2 of them). So that's $200 and the place doesn't have great reviews. It was a good decision; the guy was rude and pretty much slammed the phone down on me and that's not the customer service I'm looking for. I called a tire store in my home town that I trust and got a referral for another garage near home. Tuesday I'll call them and get things arranged. It's hard to schedule because I get home Wednesday afternoon (I hope), have pdoc Thursday and a trip to the city Friday to see the podiatrist and do some shopping with my mom. Then I have therapy in the city Monday and a vet appointment for my cat on Tuesday. So scheduling any repairs is going to mean dropping off the car and leaving it until it is ready. I hope that doesn't mean borrowing my mom's car. I hate that. I'm always afraid I'll have an accident in her car. I wouldn't call myself the best driver and that makes me hyper-aware of every near risk.

I made it into the chicken coop again tonight. This time they needed feed. I felt bad; they were really hungry but they had a good bit of food left last night. Hopefully this lasts a few days.


I also went to town to get some stuff from AAA. We're taking my nieces to Niagara Falls in August. Turns out AAA doesn't hand out as much print stuff now; they give you links or QR codes or something to look up the information online instead. It's definitely good for the environment. I bought gas which is $.60/gallon more here than at home thanks to a sale at home pressuring the stations into lower prices. I still am shocked every time it takes more than it used to take to fill the tank to get half a tank. I don't go below half a tank anymore, I can't stand the idea of putting $80 in at once.


My sister's dog is funny. If you ask if she wants to play ball she goes to where the balls are kept and dances outside. Then she returns it once and the 2nd time she starts rolling with it. Eventually she will wind up just resting her head on the ball and looking tired. She's already taught me she is not going to bring the ball up the (small) hill; I have to walk down to the flat part if she's going to play. She sets all the rules .

I thought I'd broken their new SodaStream but today I realized that I had to pull a piece out and I think it's fine. I pray it's fine. I'll pay to replace it but I just really don't have money to do that.


Anyway, it's good to not be panicking so much. I need to get a shower and get relaxed for bed. I really may wait and shower in the morning. I'm not planning to go anywhere tomorrow so there's no hurry. Honestly it's so humid and my hair so curly I could probably go a couple days before you could tell I hadn't washed it but I try to not test that theory.

Hope everyone is having a good night!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I used to like the forth. It was a fun day that started with parades. My cousins and I would wear our 6 shooters with fresh rolls of caps to the parade and shoot them in the air. Must have bothered the horses in the parade but they were well trained. Then we’d have a picnic lunch at home with aunts, uncles and cousins. Then after dark we’d go to the fireworks. But now there’s no parade here. The one in the other towns have no horses and I don’t think kids are allowed to have cap guns. They moved the fireworks downtown where theirs no parking. I don’t know it seems the forth changed in the 80’s to just an excuse for adults to act out and get drunk. I don’t go near the crowds anymore. I don’t trust others to be sober so I don’t want to be on the road. I just stay home and yell at kids to “get off the lawn”

I hear you. When I was growing up and when my own kids were growing up the 4th was such a nice mid-summer holiday. The parades were so much fun, as were bar-b-ques and picnics. The fireworks at night were absolutely beautiful! Neighbors enjoyed each other's displays. No matter the neighborhood, there was a sense of community pride. People took pride in handling fireworks safely. It was a holiday to respect the good of the U.S. But now we're an angry, divided nation and that shows in so many ways.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I am much better today. I’m about a week off of nicotine so the initial withdrawal has calmed. And honestly I just got sick of being so upset. Yesterday right before I went to work my SIL texted me threatening sui again. Since I was already upset it upset me more, not out of fear she’ll do it (I know she won’t, she’s very Christian and afraid of going to hell) but out of pure desperation of not wanting to deal with it anymore. I said she should go to the ER and she refused. I didn’t want to involve police because they can’t be trusted for mental health concerns. So I just said I’m going to work and I’ll check in tomorrow. She checked in today with a long lament about how she’s defective, she’s a terrible person, etc. again, it is not that I don’t care, it is not that I don’t understand, it’s just that I am not a qualified therapist and I am unable to take on her trauma while handling my own. So I gently told her that I was so sorry she was feeling so bad and she needs a therapist, so please put her name on the waiting lists. When she inevitably comes to me again I will have to repeat my boundary, that she needs to speak to a professional. Anyway I got good news that the manager gave me off on Sunday. I was supposed to work sun-tues but she wants to even out the hours and distribute them among the team so she said choose Sunday or Monday to take off. I chose Sunday bc Monday will be time and a half so now we’re going to have a little picnic at my grandma’s house on Sunday. Should be fun!

Egads, the SIL situation sounds difficult. Is your brother aware of her texts to you for help? If she's a member of a church it seems she could receive counseling through the church.


The only people I ever talk to about my mental health (or lack of) is here and my therapist. I might mention something small to David, but rarely. It is so very hard for me to be upfront if I am not feeling good. I have a friend of several decades & her mental illness has become worse over the years. Some severe self-injury and multiple hospitalizations. Not infrequently, she messages me on Facebook or calls me, wanting to really dump her bad feelings. My heart goes out to her, but too many times I feel like I'm barely hanging on myself.

I think what I'm saying is that yes- it's necessary to establish and re-establish boundaries with some people. I feel for you.

On a lighter side, the picnic sounds so nice. Enjoy!