Bipolar check-in #67

I found out my daughter is in town to celebrate July 4th with my ex husband and wasn’t planning on telling me even though we talked just last night and she knows how much I am struggling. Even a meet up for a cup of coffee would have been nice. It hit me really wrong and I ended up hanging up on her and blocking her from further communication. Her behavior has been hurtful for some time but this latest slap in the face was a last straw for me. I guess I’m taking a sabbatical from my daughter and from other toxic people for some time (I’m thinking months) until I get a little further down the road of healing. It is what it is.

I’m so sorry you go through that. You’re a good person.

The bird body is handled. I told my sister if the cat brings me a squirrel I'm going home. She's caught one before but when she was younger. She's a tiny cat so the size f things she catches is pretty impressive. I just hope she's done hunting for the rest of the time I'm here.


I need to make some dinner. I'm so spoiled. My sister doesn't have a microwave and I never knew how reliant I was on mine until I didn't have it. I'm learning I'm fairly lazy when not forced to be productive

Actually she would be considered my “ex” SIL I guess, she’s the sister of my first husband who died. We remained friends. She does not belong to a church, she practices on her own. She is very isolated (much as I am) but she doesn’t even have the benefit of a supportive husband; her husband is an emotionally and verbally abusive monster. They also have an adopted daughter with severe emotional and behavioral difficulties. It’s a very stressful situation and I understand but again, I can’t help her get out of it and I just can’t take the time to teach her all the skills I’ve learned. She needs her own therapist to teach her.

The picnic should be fun, I like going to my grandmas once a month or so to keep her company and help her do things around the house (well RS does that).

Small bit of nice news: I regained access to an old service I haven't used in nearly 3 years. Basic gist: It's like Fandango but it's connected to Amazon, so I can use my Amazon balance to pay for tickets. Last I checked I have around $20 on my account. More than enough to go see a movie. Nice thing to have in the back pocket!

Couldn't sleep at all last night, so I did a few job applications at 3am. One, which was fancy enough to require a cover letter, looks like it deals with logistics behind medical certification. Could be interesting. Could be glorified data entry. Either way, I hope they call!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Yeah I gained about 25-30 pounds on Zoloft in just about 3 months. Then I went off it because I had enough. My doctor was confused by my weight gain. Then again they are always either confused, in deniel, or don't care about psych med weight gain.

That's the truth

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed My cat was indoors only and he would catch voles that would come through a hole in the wall and he would drop them onto my moms bed at 3AM. He was always so proud of himself. I kept my door shut at night so he wouldn't do that to me.

Ohhhhh, yyyuuuuccckkkkk

If there were something to catch in this house I have no doubt this cat would find it. She's a tiny but mighty hunter. I will now be checking my bed before I go to sleep though!


When I was going to be a big sister my mom took me to pick out a kitten at the shelter to give me something all mine to love. I insisted on the biggest cat they had and they encouraged 2 cats to keep each other company. One of them had health problems and the other one was a mighty hunter/constant mama. She was always leaving presents on the front porch and having kittens in weird places, the most notable of which was the middle of my bed. Well and the rafters of the laundry room was another rather amazing place. I seem to remember her bringing some of her catches inside to her kittens (which were definitely no longer on my bed).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I found out my daughter is in town to celebrate July 4th with my ex husband and wasn’t planning on telling me even though we talked just last night and she knows how much I am struggling. Even a meet up for a cup of coffee would have been nice. It hit me really wrong and I ended up hanging up on her and blocking her from further communication. Her behavior has been hurtful for some time but this latest slap in the face was a last straw for me. I guess I’m taking a sabbatical from my daughter and from other toxic people for some time (I’m thinking months) until I get a little further down the road of healing. It is what it is.

Ooooh, ouch. I am really, really sorry that your daughter has done that to you. That hurts. My daughter fairly frequently talks with David and occasionally sees him, when she's in Calif. It was me, not my husband, who was there for her without failure while she was growing up. He was a good dad in many ways - but definitely did not have the level of parental devotion that I did, no way. I can't help but think that my daughter is purposely trying to hurt me (for God knows what reason) by communicating with him, but not with me.

I'm just saying...I know all too well the mean sting of such a thing. Feels really super when you're already down and they give you a good, hard kick.

I'm sorry, Jennifer

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aurelius710 Small bit of nice news: I regained access to an old service I haven't used in nearly 3 years. Basic gist: It's like Fandango but it's connected to Amazon, so I can use my Amazon balance to pay for tickets. Last I checked I have around $20 on my account. More than enough to go see a movie. Nice thing to have in the back pocket! Couldn't sleep at all last night, so I did a few job applications at 3am. One, which was fancy enough to require a cover letter, looks like it deals with logistics behind medical certification. Could be interesting. Could be glorified data entry. Either way, I hope they call!

Ooh, a movie sounds divine! You're so lucky

Fingers crossed for your job search xx

so you are not on the vrylar now?
bizi

I just let the dog out to pee one last time and guess what? The cat has provided me with another rodent. I didn't get close enough to see what one in the dark. Regardless, unless she cleans it up I have ANOTHER dead animal. OH and it seems likely that a fish is dead too as I don't see one that should be in the tank. There's nothing floating and nothing on the bottom so that may be cannibalism.


I'm the most lethal petsitter ever.....

(Please know I'm not complaining about these things. I do get freaked out but I'm mostly laughing at the absurdity of the situation. My BIL told me before they left that she doesn't really hunt anymore. So far we've had one bird, 2 mice, a mole and a mystery rodent. I think my BIL lies . )


I hope to get to sleep soon without being awakened by thunderstorms. My mom said there was a risk south of a road I'm just barely south of so we'll see. For now the only noise is fireworks. Which I wish I'd bothered to go watch outside. I didn't realize it was a whole display until it was mostly over. I don't know how the dog would have responded if left alone with the booms though; she tolerates them but doesn't love them.

I tried to convince the cat no more presents. Since she made it 3 hours I'm guessing out deal is off.

Going home is coming soon. 3.5 days. 3 nights.

Thank you for sharing your adventures with us. It’s been so interesting and funny! I’m glad you’re mostly laughing about things. You’re doing great!

Hi @bizi, I had bursitis in my knees for quite a while after a bad fall on them. My GP diagnosed it and only gave me a brochure describing exercises to do. As wrote, it took at least a few years for them (especially the left knee) to go back to normal, but they did. Unlike you, I didn't have to kneel on them. If you do have bursitis can you consider knee pads? The kind certain workers wear? That would be better than continuing to irritate them so much.

When I first got the knee injuries, I should have probably gone to the hospital, but didn't. My lower legs initially swelled up. We only just put ice on them. I had a black eye and scrapes and pain on my arms, too. I 100% blamed that injury on bipolar mania as I decided to run down a steep hill out of anger.

I probably laughed more than I should have at the "lethal petsitter" bit!

Weirdly enough, that cat reminds me of the black lab I had as a child. I grew up on a relatively large farm (40 acres) where the neighbors were nearly a mile away on each side. Plenty of space to explore. Anyhow, this dog made it her mission to protect the house from ANY wildlife that wasn't our barn cats. Labrador retrievers being hunting dogs, I found a fair share of surprises over a fair share of mornings. Good dog. Sweet dog. But boy did she live up to her breed's reputation!

hey soup thank you for your response to me. I appreciate your input. am so sorry that your injuries took so long to heal.

That was a long time for them to heal. Goodness who has time for that?I don't think I have bursitis.I don't think she gave me any exercises to do.
I made an appointment with my regular doctor on wednesday at 8am. yikes I am not a morning person. But I can get up when I have to, just set the alarm and try to go to bed sooner. I want a cat scan to see if I tore a ligament, specifically on my left knee.
thanks again soup.
hope you are well.
bizi

@BeyondtheRainbow, cats sure are super killing machines, yet they're so darned cute and soft.

@Aurelius710, I hope you do get to enjoy a movie from that balance. Good luck with the job applications.

@giddykitty, it's nice to see you back here.

Yesterday, Hubby and I went to Bauhaus (like Home Depot) for some packing materials. There's no telling how soon people will start viewing the house we're renting. We want small valuables packed away sooner than later. What a task! We then drove to a better garden center and bought more than I wanted, thanks to Hubby. We planted them all as soon as we got home. We will likely get to enjoy them for the whole summer, before needing to move. Perhaps some we can take with us, wherever we go. Most were established enough to look good from the get go.

I believe a lot can change in 6 months. New perspectives, healing, a stronger version of myself. I’m looking at Christmas to re-engage. I will let go and let God until that time while remaining open and flexible to His guidance.

I lost my brother who was also a good friend, I got rid of virtually all of my online relationships when I was cat fished and now this thing with my daughter. I feel somewhat adrift right now. Disconcerting for sure.

As a recovering codependent, I believe I will focus on myself and my needs for the first time in many years. I’ll make it an adventure to find myself again. Fun, exciting and easy.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

Have you heard of Griefshare? It's a grief recovery class that is Christian related although they say non-Christians can benefit too (it just relates things in grief to Scripture in the workbook part). It runs 13 weeks and you can repeat it as many times as you want. I found it really helpful and I know Otroo did too. It's offered through churches and hospice around here.

Wonderful! Thank you! I googled classes in my city immediately and found one for mom and I to attend at a church near us. Thanks for sharing that with me.

You're welcome. I hope it helps you as much as it did me.

Add one chipmunk to the tally......gross

I feel pretty good today. Better then I have been feeling lately. I think its something I'm eating. I got through the night without too much of an issue although I did take one of my 2 extra valiums. My mom stopped at a couple stores we used to go all the time in our old state and picked me up some stuff I took for granted before we moved that I can't find anywhere around here. I did laundry and read a bit basically I just feel ok physically for once and I'm not too stressed about anything either today.

Update: my energy level has majorly dropped. I know I haven't been eating very well lately and since my mom hasn't been here these last 2 days I've really slacked since no one could bug me about food. I weighed myself a couple minutes ago and my weight isn't getting concerning but I am losing kinda fast now that my sleep has improved and I'm on that new med that causes me to lose my appetite.

I told my therapist about all this so she can tell whoever it is I'm meeting with. I was half asleep when I sent the email. I don't really care anymore if she switches me since she probably will throw me under the bus anyways. I just hope she isn't too pissed at me for emailing her in the first place and rambling about all this. She can get testy sometimes.

But I might as well be honest. I still think some of it is medical stuff though.

I don't know how I'm going to explain to my mom the lack of food I've eaten while she was gone...

She came home. Asked how the food was. I told her what I ate. She looked around a bit and probably saw all the unopened stuff on the counters but she didn't say anything. I don't think she looked in the fridge at the full tupperwear containers or in the garbage at the lack of wrappers. She did have a weird tone but shes probably just tired. She got me all my favorite candy and picked up my Mountain Dew from my uncle while she was gone.

I’m in a rut. My sleep quality is down and tonight I lower the dosage to 5 mg. I do sleep but lightly. This is making my exhausted. Not tired or giving me the ability to take a nap. Just leaching energy away from me and I don’t want to do anything. I’ve seen 3 movies in 24 hours and umpteenth TV. I’m just vegetating. I’m even reading a romance of mum’s because it’s easier than going to the library and finding new books. I’m soooo tempted to take more ambien to get one good night of sleep. But that would throw out the weeks I’ve spent getting down to 5 mg. Ugh, I feel so lazy.