Bipolar check-in #70

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Originally Posted by Nammu I went to both aqua fitness and reg fitness today despite lousy weather. It’s cold. Around 27F and on and off snowing 🌨. I’m proud of myself for that, usually I let lousy weather dissuade me form doing things. In Texas it was the heat and up here it’s the humidity and the cold and snow. Found out there’s a book club on Wednesday! Yay! Not on fb and not online but a real in person book club! This Wednesday though there’s a birthday party for the November birthdays of the pool club.

Great job for going to aqua fitness and regular fitness! You're incredible, Nammu. 27 degrees?! Today was 58 and I was so chilled. Are you one of the November birthdays?

Where will the book club be held?

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Today my anxiety is better. I woke up around 1:15 and then worked out with my ab roller, my kettlebell, and my regular weights. I then drank a protein shake and fell asleep at 4 for another 1.5 hours. Today I went to Walmart and then to Whole Foods. My mom is at Sams Club buying bottled water since I've been using a ton of Mio. She also found variety packs of Skinny Pop holiday flavors of popcorn. My brother in law is taking me to the barbers the day before Thanksgiving. He knows of an LGBTQ friendly place. He is really excited to take me and I'm excited to get my facial hair trimmed. I just heard the Hershey Kisses bells Christmas commercial I have to see my pulmonologist tommorow and I don't get why because my sleep study was normal. I don't want anymore tests done. And yeah my sleep can still be crappy but I can handle it on my own. I plan on having my mom with me this time since he was grumpy last time. Like dude, I was reffered to you by another doctor for legit issues.

Your workout sounds excellent, so does the barber shop appointment. I like the Hershey Kisses bells commercial

Blah, I hope your appointment tomorrow goes quickly.

That is fantastic @BeyondtheRainbow! Wow, talk about a shocker!! Well, good, good.

It's Lenore!

I am. Some years my birthday falls on thanksgiving. Not this year thank goodness.

Oh the book club is at the Y. They are reading Breath, the new science of a lost art. It’s related to physical fitness.

I have a nasty cold.
bizi

@*Beth*


I'm showing my lack of connection to culture here, but who is Lenore?

Thank you!

I'm so sorry. I haven't missed not getting colds thanks to masking and distancing, something I know isn't possible with working.



Have you done a COVID test?

So, the anxious energy of the past few days seems to have died down to a significant extent. I'm back to normal rounds of Abilify after a couple of days without it. I didn't think that short a time without it would have had this effect and my PsychNP agrees. He's given me a small dose of a heavy duty PRN (Klonopin) for the meanwhile.

This is the time of year where, if things were going to go wrong, they would go wrong. All of my IP trips seem to occurr at this point of time. However, this feels like overkill.

I think what I'll do is fill the prescription, in the interest of utility and on the off chance I'm wrong. After work, I'll take a dose and test it out for any side effects.

Wellbutrin and, particularly, Xanax give me this perception of the world and even my own body moving faster than my mind could perceive it. I could swing my arm in front of me and my head would take a least a full second to follow along. I definitely couldn't do ladders or stairs, because I couldn't coordinate what stair or rung I was on.

I've had the side effects before, and I'd rather not repeat them if I can help it.

Start of the work week today! I've got a Black Friday promotion on a phone this week and several more next week. Should have a good commission check for the next few weeks!

I'm not doing the best today. I was anxious and nauseated and super achy last night so I rescheduled my doctors appointment for the 29th. Then I fell asleep on a basically empty stomach around 5. I woke up around 3:30 incredibly achy and anxious. I took a couple tylenol and ate a Lunchable. I didn't work out though. I weighed myself as soon as I got up and I was 2 pounds heavier then yesterday, but I look better then I did yesterday. Which is kinda weird but I had my mom take a picture and she says I look more muscular on the side too from the picture I took yesterday. Anyways I got my shot early today, I've had meds. I had some food. I just feel blah. I took Advil 40 minutes ago. Tommorow is my last therapy session. That may have something to do with my anxiety.

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Originally Posted by Nammu I am. Some years my birthday falls on thanksgiving. Not this year thank goodness. Oh the book club is at the Y. They are reading Breath, the new science of a lost art. It’s related to physical fitness.

My sister-friend of 53 years (she died of a heart attack when we were 58), her birthday was November 27th. When we were little girls we loved when it fell on Thanksgiving

Your Y is so active! I've always wanted a more active Y. Mine always seem to be very kid focused, which is great. I just wish they'd do more adult activity, too. And we have a very lovely senior center here in town, but the people are older than I am, even though I'm by age number a senior. So I don't fit anywhere in this town. I don't like that feeling.

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Originally Posted by bizi I have a nasty cold. bizi

Uggh, I'm sorry, bizi. Take good care of yourself.

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow @*Beth* I'm showing my lack of connection to culture here, but who is Lenore? Thank you!

No lack of connection! Lenore is pretty much an "underground" character.

Lenore, by Roman Dirge, is the Cute Little Dead Girl. She's (and her friends) a comic book character from the '90's. She's even a cartoon on YouTube. She is a-dor-a-ble

Hurrah for a good commission check @Aurelius710!

You know, I was lying in bed when I suddenly heard in my mind...

The sword of Damocles
Is hanging over my head
And I've got the feeling
Someone's gonna be cuttin' the thread...

...and I saw and heard Rocky in his little gold lame briefs singing Your mention of the Sword of Damocles brought it all on Lightened my mood

Barely slept last night. I have to take a number of things to knock me out so I sleep. Really, what a mess.

Some thief has been so cruel as to steal California from me. Yes, that thief has stolen the entire state and left a rotten remainder that is windy, chilling, dank, ugly, unappealing and resembles nothing of the state I knew and loved. He took the autumn I so loved as a child and plummeted us straight into a winter I want to crawl away and hide from. I'm done with it. Just finished.

She looks cute

A 3rd dose of OTC pain meds in 12 hours and my geodon and melatonin seems to finally be getting rid of this massive anxiety and pain I've had all day. I had to watch a couple episodes of Project Runway this afternoon to distract myself from everything. My blood doctor called to reschedule for December 8th. Which is fine with me since I don't get the point in seeing her if the level is fine. I hate going to the doctors I don't get these people who love going to them. I wish I wasn't traveling for Thanksgiving either. I feel like my sister is being reckless bringing a less then 2 month old out of state with RSV going around. But once again no one will listen to me. Anyways at this moment I feel ok.

Watched the jeopardy play off then went to the library and grocery store. Forgot it gets dark sooooo early now. Ugh, driving in the dark! But I have everything I need to make pumpkin bread. Yum. Found a recipe that calls for oj. Sounds good to me. Found the mini chocolate chips to add in, mmm.

Just couldn’t get up for the eight thirty aqua fitness class. Then when I got out of bed to cancel found out I had never signed up! So decision taken out of my hand. It was a snowy day anyway. Went back to bed until 11:30. Mum didn’t want to go to PT, so I coulda stayed in bed later. So a slow day.

We have a lovely senior program at the Y. They don’t call it that though, it’s called legends program and is open to anyone with mobility issues. At 64 I’m almost the youngest though. The aqua program though has no age though all of us are seniors. My friend there is the oldest she’s mum’s age almost, 94. In fitness class we sometimes take time to detail what we’re doing and various mindfulness activities. A couple of months age we had a challenge to take a 30 day gratitude photo everyday. Many of us did that and we spent half the class just sharing photos and things we we’re grateful for. It makes for a very friendly atmosphere.

I got my bridge prep done today. Two teeth pulled and the temporary bridge put it. I had a lot of piercings as a teenager, my facial piercings are gone now due to the need to look professional, but damn that tongue ring was the worst idea I ever had! Ruined my gums and now at 35 I need a bridge oh well, live and learn! Now I just stick to my ears.

I have decided to wear my mask at work at least for the duration of the winter. Covid aside, I had a cold last week (or maybe very mild Covid but I doubt it) and I’m not trying to be sick for the entire winter! These kids are just dirty! Flu went around a couple of weeks ago as well, I got my flu shot and it must have been helpful bc I didn’t get it, but seriously I’m already over it. Plus Covid is ticking up again. I scheduled my Covid booster for Friday and got CR his flu, and has Covid booster scheduled as well. He sometimes has a flu shot reaction so I didn’t want to get them at the same time for him.

It’s gotten cold here now. Not pleasant leaving Florida at 80 degrees and coming back to 46!

CR turns 12 on Saturday I can’t believe it! One more year until he’s a teenager!!! We’re taking him to his favorite place, the arcade at the shore. We’re meeting his grandma and aunt there. I’m going to try to get my mom to go out to the steakhouse with him on Sunday. I think she will, her therapist kicked her in the *** a little to get her to leave the house.

Hope everyone has a pleasant evening!

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Originally Posted by Nammu We have a lovely senior program at the Y. They don’t call it that though, it’s called legends program and is open to anyone with mobility issues. At 64 I’m almost the youngest though. The aqua program though has no age though all of us are seniors. My friend there is the oldest she’s mum’s age almost, 94. In fitness class we sometimes take time to detail what we’re doing and various mindfulness activities. A couple of months age we had a challenge to take a 30 day gratitude photo everyday. Many of us did that and we spent half the class just sharing photos and things we we’re grateful for. It makes for a very friendly atmosphere.

That is absolutely lovely! I like that..."legends program."

I asked David to bring me a few groceries because I am so low on things and have no money. He takes all of the small money out of the bank account so I can't access it. All of the "real" money is in his sister's control purposely to keep me from having access to it.

I was getting the cats' dinners ready, which also involves being exactly on time to test Sidney's glucose, feed her, and administer her insulin. It needs to be a very calm, quiet time with lots of soft talking, petting, and careful focus.

Suddenly, there's David beating on the door, yelling my name, beating, beating, beating, yelling. Of course the cats ran terrified, and hid. I opened the door for him, he walked in and dumped two bags on the table, huffing about where was I, didn't I hear the door - dumping the bags exactly where I needed to place Sidney to test her glucose.

I was furious. I've told him that if he comes here at that time to please, please let himself in (he has a key) very quietly. I have also told him, told him, and told him, that the doors here are hollow and thin, he need only knock very lightly.

And why didn't he use his key this evening? Because he won't set a bag on the (neatly swept) cement outside the door due to "germs" (he has severe OCD).

Oh. He forgot about the time. He forgot about the door. He forgot to mail the card I so carefully chose for our DIL's birthday. Oh, he forgets everything that doesn't benefit himself.

I knew what was coming and I said, "Leave. Now. Go." I barely slept last night. I have been fighting this depression and worrying and worrying. I am so damned lonely and alone in this town. My life has never been like this, I have always had people around me, and friends. Then he comes over here to torture me.

But he wouldn't leave because he wants "us" (me) to "turn down the volume." He means he wants me to shut my mouth, sit on my hands, and listen to him tell me all about himself. He throws fire in my face then blames me when I react. And always tells me, eventually, inevitably, before he finally does leave, that I am "mentally unstable."

A self-obsessed man who never could be a husband and father on his own, but is always a puppet for his snobby family and who is afraid to set an effing plastic grocery bag down, but I am mentally unstable because I am trying so, so hard to keep my precious cat alive. Because I am responsible. Because I had the guts to tell him his family made a fool of him. But the moment I said that so many, many years ago I knew he would always choose them over me and over his own children. So it was useless. And my daughter blames me for not getting out. But I tried so many times.

A miserable evening. But I did have a nice chat with a neighbor in the laundry room. She has such pretty long, black hair and the bluest eyes.

And guess what?! The temperature is going to be in the mid-60's in the coming days! Beautiful. Maybe in the afternoons I can open the windows some and the cats can enjoy that. I'm thinking I'll drag the light box down and plug it in tomorrow, get some of the therapy light in here and see if I can lift my mood. As much as I dislike hot weather I believe my brain is accustomed to the bright, high sun here.

I am so sorry you’re so depressed, Beth. I know that David is a piece of work (to put it nicely) and he always affects you negatively, which is not what you need right now. I really hope you feel better soon.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I am so sorry you’re so depressed, Beth. I know that David is a piece of work (to put it nicely) and he always affects you negatively, which is not what you need right now. I really hope you feel better soon.

I appreciate your kindness, wfc. Thank you. It was my naive mistake to try to force a man to be a husband and father when he was incapable of normally loving a wife, or being responsible for his own wife and family. His priorities were anything but us, and love really can't always make things work.

On a much happier note, what are the plans for CR's birthday? This is his 12th, right?

Beth, yes he will be twelve! We’re taking him to his favorite arcade down the shore. He loves arcades. I’d take him bowling the next day but unfortunately the carpal tunnel syndrome prevents me from even lifting my water bottle much less a bowling ball. The arcade will be enough. Then we’re taking him to longhorn steakhouse for his new favorite dinner, steak lol. He has expensive taste! I might also take him to five below to pick out a couple of cheap presents. Our main present was a new scooter which I bought a month ago so he could use it for a bit before the cold set in.